


The True Cost of Freedom

by Batbratsandsuperkids



Category: Attack on Titan, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, attack on titan manga
Genre: Armin is your emotional support blonde, F/M, Major Character Backstory, Non-cannon science to make reader relevent, eren is a little manipulative, follows the plot of SNK, follows the plot of attack on titan, he is very manipulative actually, mikasa is sus sometimes but you love her regardless, reader has a massive secret, reader has pretty bad anxiety, reincarnation theory, slowburn, titan science gone wrong, you're not from inside the walls, your best friends with the main trio
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:34:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 37
Words: 149,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29798886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Batbratsandsuperkids/pseuds/Batbratsandsuperkids
Summary: There's more to the story than you know, and the same goes for Eren. You joined the 104th training corps because something in your heart told you that was where you needed to be, it's where you felt your fate reside. With a giant hole in your memories, best thing to do is make some new ones, right? You got along with everybody very well, but the connection between you and Eren? There had to be some science behind that. However, as time went on the answers of life came just as hard as the years rolled by.With every question answered, the people in your life changed. However, you never thought Eren would change. Not...not like this, at least.Even so, will you eventually stop him? Or will you join him?
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Reader, Eren Yeager/Reader, Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein, armin arlert x reader insert, eren yeager x reader insert, eren yeager/reader/armin arlert
Comments: 39
Kudos: 70





	1. 1: The Right Path

**Author's Note:**

> THERE WILL BE MANGA SPOILERS, SEASON 4 SPOILERS. Go into this fic knowing that if you aren't caught up, something might get spoiled  
> Hi, This is my first real work that I'm putting out there, main character is you, this is supposed to follow the events in the anime, the plot and everything. Although some things come out of order to you as the reader, because I wanted this self insert to make her pretty important. It's gonna be kinda cheesy, but here we go! Sorry if I've made some spelling errors and typos, I'll fix them as I find them :P I also may have made some little plot holes, but dont worry I'll fix them as the context rolls around for me to do so! Hope you guys like this, I'm just trying to have fun with it(:

_By the time you read this, I'll have already left. I don't want you and Dad to take this the wrong way, I'm thankful for everything in life that you've given me but this is what I want to do with my life. I don't want to make this letter too sappy because I know that you won't be able to put it down if I do, but I just really needed you guys to know that just because I don't have blood from either of you, you still raised me as if I did. Those nights where Dad would stay up with me all night helping me practice speaking correctly, exhausting days that made me realize how much of a saint of a mother you are just by your patience alone? You're the reason I can even write this letter today, don't you think that's insane? I know when things get hard I won't be able to walk right into Dads study and sit on the floor while he lets me talk about what's been under my skin for hours. I know that when I wake up at night from a bad dream again, you won't be in the room right next to mine. But I need to do this. I need to follow my heart, I'm just afraid of breaking yours. So please, I promise that I will come home._

_Also. This is going to be kinda awkward if dad finds this letter before you do, if that's the case then, well I refilled the biscuit stash before I left. I'd never break your guys' heart twice in the same day, what kind of daughter would I be? I told myself I wanted to keep this short, so I will. I'll come back and when I do I promise I'll cook as much as possible to make it up! Sound good?_

_Love, Y/n_

Your mother clutches the paper in her hands, cold gray eyes widening in a feral state of maternal fear. The blonde woman feels every single hair on her body stand up pin straight while her heart begins to pound faster, more aggressively. "Y/n..." her voice is low at first, dropping the letter as if her body had suddenly decided it has a new mission, moving without even her telling it to "Y/n?!" She hollers through the house, now storming her way to your bedroom. Loud footsteps even through her slippers, It goes to signal the awakening of her husband, who doesn't even get past the bedroom frame of their room before your mother has grabbed the tall brunette by his left shoulder and lead him into your bedroom. Telling herself, that when she gets there you'll be sleeping soundly in bed just as you always do. She can see it now, the image of your soft h/c hair draped over your face, drool forming in a puddle on your pillow when you lay on your side. In her head, she's already picturing how many limbs you've got uncovered by your blankets, just so that way she can tuck you in while you're unaware, unable to reject the overbearing mothering if you're sound asleep. 

"She's _gone_. She did it, our baby is _gone_." The woman's voice just absolutely _breaks_ with that last sentence. Her daughter, who she only had for the last two years, was gone overnight. Just like that. Two years doesn't seem like a lot of time, but in this exact moment as she falls to her knees, bringing her husband down with her, it's like she's relieving every single second that's passed since you came into their lives. Seeing every single moment cross her by, from the first time she saw you up until she sat across from you last night at dinner. She remembered the way you essentially kicked her out of the kitchen so you could cook their favorite meal for them, the way you cleaned every nook and cranny of the house, in fact....this whole month? She recalls you being much more helpful than usual with chores, doing favors....this whole time.

"What? Samantha-" Your father starts, but he's quickly cut off to the sound of your mother wiping her runny nose on her arm and getting up to walk back to the main room of the house where she had dropped the letter you wrote for them. Your father follows with dread in his eyes, watching the woman before him walk with haste. Even from behind her, he can hear the sounds of his wife choking back pained sobs. It hurts him, god does it hurt him so bad. He hasn't seen Samantha cry like this in years, glancing down at her hands noticing how bad they're shaking. Already, he can feel a deep pit dwelling in his stomach. 

The wood below their feet creaks loudly as the woman, who is already barely holding herself together, crouches down and picks up a piece of folded parchment off the ground. There's not even a moment of silence before it's shoved into his chest with hands so cold they feel like they'd break if she hit them on something. Your father slowly opens the parchment, as soon as he see's that first sentence? Everything clicks in his brain. His brown eyes look back up and meet the eyes of his wife, who has her hand to her face with her thumb below her chin and her other hand wrapped around her elbow, as if that's the only thing holding her together. "Luka, say _something,_ or so help me I am _walking_ to the nearest enlistment center and-"

"She'll come home. I just know it, I know you do too." Luka says, holding the woman's face in his hands, with his thumb he wipes away a warm tear off your mothers skin. He watches the liquid smear into one of her crows feet before he pulls her in and holds her close to him. The action seems to only enable to incoherent sobbing that woman finally lets loose, her body falling with his as he holds her around the back of her shoulders with a hand running through her straw hair ever so often. He feels the knots of her bedhead, the way the light reflects off her golden hair through the window reminds him of those flowers you would pick for them during the spring. That thought hurt, but he knows that next season those same flowers will bloom, and you will return just like they do. Afterall, dont cadets get some time off after every year?

"But the _titans_ , what if-" Samantha cuts herself off, not daring to even finish that sentence. Not wanting to simply utter the words that follow. The thought of a titan killing you, or being the reason that you died, especially so young...it only makes this reaction to your sudden departure more alarming. She should have known, or at least she tells herself this. Every single time you brought up the military the woman would just shut you down. She never reacted to you this way for anything else at all. The only thing that would bring that emotion, that negativity, that refusal to support you, was joining the military. Hell, you could sit up all night with her and ask her question after question about titans and that was fine. But having any involvement with being around them? Never again. She would not allow you to ever come that close to death again, the woman doesn't even want you to see it. She knows that even if you had some goal to join the safest brigade out there, being the military police brigade, there's always a chance. Hell, wall Maria was compromised. Anything is possible. 

"Y/n wanted to join the military. At this point there's nothing we can do about it until she comes to visit, that's the reality of the matter right now." he starts, humming softly afterwards while stroking his wife's hair, who at this point has basically melted into his lap in a puddle of her tears, both her legs swung over his left thigh while she sits in the openness between his legs, slowly rocking her side to side. "That girl is a tough nut to crack. We'll see her again, I promise to you that our daughter will come home."

The house is filled with the sounds of Samantha, your mother, crying softly. Or, at least it just started that way. Small gasps to get any air into her lungs would soon turn into pained wails and sharp inhales. Your father, Luka, did all he could to keep her at ease but there wasn't much he could do. All he could maintain was a calm way of action just barely, and it was all for the woman right before him. How could he possibly stay strong for her if he was also falling apart? This wasn't too much of a surprise to him, in hindsight really. You'd always openly admired the bravery it took to even enlist into cadet training, one day he even caught you and one of the neighborhood kids playing together and pretending to be soldiers at some point. Although he never complained because you weren't the one coming home with scratches and bruises on your arms and legs, never you. Though...your mother obviously had some bones to pick with it. He let it continue after that, you seemed to really enjoy pretending to be a soldier. Who was he to keep your childish fantasies at bay? In hindsight, maybe letting you play pretend with that kid wasnt such a good idea, if it just influenced you more.

Luka knew that a day would come where you would make a choice like this, but even more so, he knew that he was going to have no choice but to support you. Why? Well, you'd just simply do it without them anyways, and somehow he just knew, that your judgment for the direction that you pursue in your own life is the right one. After all, there's no real way to stop a kid who's got a heart full of bravery and curiosity, is there? But deep down...the man was scared that one day your future captain would appear at his doorstep with or without your remains. That was truly his fear, and the thought shakes him to his core. It's a nightmare that he never wants to have, because he knows it would never end. 

*

The sun. It's so nice, the weather today is breathtaking. 

It's the thought you have right now, while you stand in formation, eyes directly upwards or settled on the horizon. You watch as pheasants fly over head, a large group of them all in the formation of a V, you hear them calling to each other in loud caws. Makes you wonder what kind of things they're saying to each other, even if that is a weird and silly thing to think. You wonder if birds have their own language, where each honk or caw means a specific word just like humans do. Guess that's not a super weird thought, is it? Humans are capable of learning more than one language, why couldn't birds have their very own? 

"Straighten those spines, piss-ants!" The loud voice that booms through the lined up crowd of new cadets, your new comrades, shaking you out of your daze. Out of your vision while you dart your eyes away, the V of birds slowly fades out of your personal little existence of a world in your head. One where maybe you could talk to birds, know what they're doing for the day. Where were they going? Not like you'll get to know, though. A small sigh escapes your lips as you direct your attention forward, and keep it there. 

"The 104th cadet corps boot camp starts now, allow me to introduce myself," The man starts and walks closer up to the front row, you look past a shoulder length blonde standing directly in front of you to see the man of the stern and rough voice speaking. He has slightly tanned skin, no hair, and very noticeably sunken in eyes. Apart of you wonders how that happened, was it stress? Was it age? Maybe both? The beards kinda weird, though. Not like you'll ever say it out loud, this man is truly terrifying and you'll be listening to him for the next three years. Not to mention, it's kind of rude to say it. But oh you can definitely think it. "I'm commandant Keith Shadis and you _will_ grow to hate me!" Ah, yeah that's kind of the gist you were getting. Super demanding, super threatening, very intimidating drill sergeant? Best to always assume you're on thin ice for your own self preservation right? From this point on...things are gonna be much more different than you were used to in your life. But isn't that the whole point? This is what you want, this is what you feel like you need. Structure, discipline, _willpower_. 

"Training is gonna be a white knuckle ride through hell," _good_ "If I've done my job, you'll be waking up from a cold sweat from memories of this place every night for the rest of your misery filled lives!" Well, you wouldn't go that far. You already have not exactly the best sleeping schedule, or routine for that matter. "Right now? You're all nothing! But over the next three soul crushing years, you'll learn to take down your own goliath. Remember this moment when you come face to face with them," He says, shouting even louder if that was even possible at all.

The word Goliath repeats in your ears and runs circles through your brain. That's such a cool word? You don't even know what it means, it just sounds like such an astounding thing. A goliath, huh. You'll have to ask someone about that, you can't help but feel a little shake in your left leg, excitement filling your body like electricity. Which is weird, you mentally note to yourself, seeing as this man before you all had just called you piss-ants not even two minutes before this. Yet you're standing before him with a solid salute while every muscle in your body feels like its under pressure to react, now, or at anything. You're filled with droning tension that just seems to grow tighter by the minute.

"Because right here, right now. You have to ask yourself one very important question." Shadis continues in his speech, which sounds like it's reaching it's final peak. You feel the blood in your body pump slowly getting faster as each moment passes, you've waited for what feels like an eternity for this to happen. Realistically, it's only been two years. But something about this choice... it feels like fate. Like, you were _meant_ to be here. This is the life you're supposed to live. Two years is nothing compared to feeling like you were born for this, right?

"Am I a fighter?"

Y _es._

"Or am I feed?"

_No._

"Am I gonna be ground up to human pulp between two boulder sized teeth?" 

_Absolutely not._

"Or am I gonna be the one to bite?!" 

_Yes!_

Standing there in your salute, uniform fresh, new and clean. This all feels so surreal, not like a dream but this is definitely something else. The sun rays beam over your face as you sport a look of pure determination, unfiltered and raw the feeling that this gives you isn't even something words can describe. 

_I'm gonna make myself into a fully capable soldier, one that even my parents will grow to be proud of. I'll be the strongest fighter that I have to be for myself._


	2. 2: Humanities Comeback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin unintentionally scares the piss out of you

"You, mop-top!" Shadis yells in your direction, but his eyes don't meet yours. Instead they latch onto the boy in front of you, whose entire posture stiffens at the name calling gesture to degrade him. Your attention isn't on Shadis at the moment, because wow. He really could have called on you first if he had just looked a little past the person before you. You know you're confident that you're supposed to be here, but being called first? You don't think being everyone's first impression of the, well first impression, would be very comfortable for you. And almost immediately, at least you don't feel so weird about the thought now based upon the golden haired boys first initial reaction. His knees buckle for just the smallest of moments almost completely unnoticeable, that is if you weren't paying attention in the first place. 

He's a thin boy, you'd say personally in your own opinion. His shoulders aren't so defined, if anything it looks like the light brown cadet corps jacket makes them look _bigger_ than they really are, as if the boy doesn't quite fill out all the seams or curves of his uniform quite yet. Regardless if he had grabbed the wrong size when first brought in, or if that was truly actually their smallest size. The boys blonde hair bounces in attention to follow the movement made from yanking his chin more upwards, you watch as the longest point in the middle reaches just below the nape of his neck, and stray strands leave from behind his ear.

_"Mom can I braid your hair?" You asked, gleefully running to the woman's side and allowing your knees to fall to the ground. You're grinning as you lower your chest closer forward and rock yourself back to sit on your ankles. Its something you wanted to be good at, you'd always watch your mother with admiration while she sat in front of a mirror and did her nightly routine. Everything about that woman was just so angelic, even the light wrinkles around the outer corners of her eyes. The way her lashes sat delicately atop peaceful eyes that turned just ever so slightly downwards. You understood that this was her way of taking care of herself, like a daily mental awareness check. The way that she would hum to herself, the effortless actions of her thin fingers with well groomed nails weaving into her damp strands of hair._

Your throat tightens in an uncomfortably dry way, why did that memory just take advantage of your fixed calm composure? You let out a very quiet cough to clear it, afraid of drawing attention to yourself, everything seems to be happening way too slowly for your comfort, _what the hell?_ You were prepared for this, though? This feeling in your throat doesn't leave, but it also moves to your chest in a tight clench that makes you have to manually remember how to breathe for a moment there. You truly didn't believe that you'd miss your mom this much, especially this early for consideration. Yes, of course you knew you were going to miss your parents, that's unsaid. But this just felt painful and unfair in this moment of weakness, just because you saw the same shade of blonde in the way the boys hair adjusted.

"What do they call you, Maggot?" Shadis shouts, stepping closer to the boy in question. He slams his fist to his chest and adjusts his other hand behind his back, you witness his knuckles turning white while his chipped short nails dig into his palm. It makes no sense to you why you keep following the boys actions, maybe it was an attempt to ease your own nerves. Because hey, you're not the only one anxious right? "Armin Arlert from Shinganshina, sir!" He shouts in a voice that does in sound like it would come from his body. A slightly panicked undertone to what sounds like would normally be a pretty mellow voice darts directly to Shadis. 

"Seriously, why would your parents curse you with such a dumb name?" The commandants voice is taunting in a tinging way, holding the same loud tone as before. You cringe wondering how you'd react if someone said that to you in front of a bunch of people you didn't know yet. "It was my grandfather, sir!" Armin shoots back, though he gives a respectful glint to the way he speaks, obviously this time he spoke for himself this time. No trace of anxiety to be found in that one sentence, somehow even managing to sound slightly dull near the end. "Cadet Arlert tell me why a runt like you is even here?" Shadis leans forwards, getting in his face. "To help humanity overcome the titans!" He shouts back, his head moves again just a little bit. Shadis moves back just a little bit and puts his hands over his hips for support, an eyebrow raising as the wrinkles around his eyes seem to deepen further into his skin. Man, this is going to be a real adjustment to you. For the past two years you've never seen anyone look so stoic in a way that makes you feel uneasy like this. The closest it would ever get is from your mother when you'd mention wanting to enlist to the scouts to join the military, her crows feet would dramatically stretch in the matter of an instant with you, and that was considered scary enough. But this? Oh you'd gladly take a broom beating from your mom for bringing up the military over this. 

"Great to hear, you're gonna be a light snack for them! Row three about face, runt." He shouts, planting a large hand on the top of Armins skull and turning him around forcefully. Your face twists up in confusion before your soft e/c eyes go wide whilst he's slowly turning to face directly. The act against his own will at the exact moment gives him a shocked expression too, before he even locks eyes directly with you behind him. You stare at round, pond like blue eyes right before you. The eyes have the exact same expression as you right now, confused but reasonably alarmed from two people who both seem to have an uncomfortable way of responding to things that don't make the most sense right away. 

_"You," he_ pauses,

"What's that stupid _look_ for?" Keith Shadis, _the_ Commandant of the 104th cadet training corps in the south district _shouts_ downwards to you, and you only. All the blood in your face leaves directly to your neck, draining all the color from your cheeks and nose in the matter of a split second. Allowing all the temperature of the heat to drop directly under the collar of your gray button up shirt. 

"Huh," You softly let out, lips turning a twitch upwards just ever so slightly in an unnoticeably way of questioning, as if you were asking if this was really happening in this moment? You were really being put on the spot because you actively showed that it was something that was on your own mind, and that here lies in your own fault. Damn it, you mentally curse to yourself allowing you to set this as an internal note to use for later. 

"How does someone who looks like they're two pencil drops away from having a heart attack get into the military?" He shouts at you, walking around Armin and leaning directly in front of you, it's only a moments pace but his forehead is suddenly inches from your own. The sound of the birds from earlier cawing in the distance as the wind passes, everything is just _ringing_ for you. "And what do they call you," the man pauses and adjust his eyes narrowly to you. This feels like you have an option to get out of this phase and he's seeing if you'll take it. "other than timid, that is." He finishes with an insult just as he had done to Armin mere moments ago. 

"I'm Y/n L/n from Trost district, Sir! I've enlisted so I can become a well respected soldier, Sir!" You shout back, wiping the frazzled look off of your face and replacing it with one mere change at a time. You feel you can regain control of the way you react now that you get what's happening. The air around your arms whoosh while you bring your fist up and slam it into your chest, other hand swinging gracefully behind your back, open palmed before slowly curling your fingers into a delicate hold against the inside of your soft hand. Eyes full of any determination you can muster up. Everything feels so damn tense, this is just what he does. You have to rationalize things realistically, how else are you gonna get through the next few years if you dont? This is all supposed to happen anyways, right? Isn't his job to weed out the ones who are meant for the fields? That's not you. You aren't meant for the fields. 

Shadis' face loosens ever so slightly, but still holds the same tone. 

"Row four about face!" He tells you sternly, you take no hesitation and with a quick, "Yes, Sir!" You turn yourself around as he goes from person to person, some more scared than others and some ever so casual. You notice that he walks past quite a few of them without even questioning. It makes you wonder, if Armin hadn't been turned around like that and made you react that way, would you have ended up being passed? 

Armin hears you let out a sigh of relief, and watches your back loosen up as the commandant walks away from the two of you and continues going through the other recruits. There's a good handful of people all from Trost, and they all seem to have stood out to him in one way or another that makes their names all just barely linger on the back of his mind more so than the rest of them. 

You listen to Shadis go in on a girl named Mina Carolina, who basically confirms to him that she is, in fact, a worm. You don't know if you would have gone that far, but the more people speak the less anxious you feel about anyone seriously remembering that you choked up. Your eyes wander around to the other recruits, taking in all their names and faces. A couple of them you've seen before, mostly the ones from Trost. 

"Now what do we have over here?" He barks at a recruit whose face you cant see due to the taller mans figure looming over it, "Jean Kirstein, from the Trost district Sir!" that familiar voice sends nostalgia down your spine. _No way, he really did it too?_ Since nobody is able to do anything but stand here and wait for this section of the weeding out is over, everyone for the most part is left to their thoughts. The time and silence either making them more confident or more scared. Instead of either of those, you just remember how many times you beat that kid up with random sticks while you'd fight over who gets to take turns pretending to be a titan and who gets to be the soldier. Life is certainly weird like that, one day you're a kid playing a mockery of the real life and death consequences that happen with choosing this path, and the next before you know it, you're allowing yourself to be exposed to the real battlefield. 

"And why are you here, cadet?" He asks, "To join the military police, sir. The best of the best." He declares, it's weird how his voice sounds, but yeah that's definitely Jean. You haven't seen the boy in at least half a year, does six months really make that much of a difference? And he's outright stating that he's going to rank in the top ten just by saying he's going to join the military police, well. It would be embarrassing if he didn't preform well now that he's announced that out loud, he's just setting expectations higher for himself that way. 

"Do you?" Shadis asks, Jean takes no hesitation and answers with a confirmed "Yes," Which is probably only so short because in the next moment he gets headbutted to the ground. You try not to wince from how that must feel, while Shadis yells at him about nobody telling him he was allowed to sit down. 

Yeah, that seems to be about how the rest of this introduction goes. People come and go, say different things or try to prove they're worth something in under a sentence before their Sargent just drills them back into reality. He calls a boy named Marco titan fodder right after the boy had exclaimed that he wants to work close with the king. Another boy, short with shaved hair with the new nickname 'Q-ball', does his salute wrong and gets lifted by his skull. Weirdly enough you hear Armins boots shift behind you from that action, almost like he was wondering if that could have been him instead. 

And then there was that _one_ girl. And oh _god_ do you wish you had whatever it was swimming around in her brain that made her uncaring of how the commandant perceived her up until now. 

"Shes eating a _potato?_ " you hear someone whisper very quietly to your left. Truly, what an eventful day. Right? At least everyone at one point felt the same anxiety as you, when Sasha Braus asked him if he truly doesn't know why people eat potatoes. 

*

Eren and Armin recount how weird of a day it's been, while they stand with Mina and Connie at a cabin dorm. "Man, I thought Shadis was gonna kill potato girl." Connie says, leaning over the wooden railing. His eyes lift up over the sunset as the four of them watch Sasha run in the distance, as her punishment. Marco walks out of the door from the cabin, placing himself next to Connie and leaning over the railing with him, elbows folded opposite of each other.

"I know, what a hell of a first day. It's kind of funny though, being told to run until the sun sets didn't seem to effect her as much as losing meal privileges' for a while did." Eren says before Connie says that he remembers her saying she's from Dauper, which is a small hunting village up in the mountains.

Armin suddenly remembers the weird encounter he had with you, turning his head to Eren and the rest to speak up and share what happened in his perspective today after everyone else has done the same. 

"I think I scared that girl from Trost who was standing right behind me on accident, what was her name.." He mumbles the last part to himself, Eren cocks and brow at his blonde friend as if asking to continue the story. "The one from Trost?" He asks, Armin gasps and pushes out his left hand and slams his right fist over top of it as soon as he remembers the name of hers. 

"I think it was Y/n L/n if I'm not mistaken, when Shadis turned my head around like that I don't think she was expecting that to happen. I just feel kinda bad because when I saw her she seemed more freaked out than _I_ was, and I was the one getting my head turned like that-" Armin is quickly shut off by Connie who interjects with a groan, "At least you weren't lifted by your skull!" Connie jabs a finger at his new friend, Armin nods in understanding of course. 

Eren changes the subject when he see's a wagon pulled by horses being pulled out of the grounds, asking what everyone thinks that is up there over on the trail. 

"Those are the dropout recruits, they'd prefer to work in the fields after today. That's where you go when you unenlist from the cadet corps without being dismissed by a higher up." Mina says, Connie jabs Armin in the side and makes a snide comment. "Ya think Y/n is on that wagon after you scared the shit out of her?" Armin huffs out some air, and politely removes Connie's elbow from the side of his ribcage. That did kind of hurt, though. 

"It's a normal response to something like this, you shouldn't make judgement calls about someone based off that." He glances over to Mina, who had not even tried to deject when Shadis called her a worm straight to her face. Connie's eyes meet Armins and focus on where Armin's are pointing. It's only then he remembers the worm comment about Mina too, and cringes at the sentence he said. It did seem kind of rude, when he just meant to poke some fun at the blonde. It's just that Armin doesn't look like he could step on a bug even if someone paid him to, it's pretty gold that he spooked someone by getting his head whipped around like that.

"This is the way it is, even if it's your first day." Eren starts, everyone looking back to him. Connie, looking for any excuse to get his metaphorical foot out of his mouth, is more focused than anyone else for that reason alone. 

"If you can't stand the pressure, you gotta leave. I can't believe anyone would rather pull _plants_ than _fight_." He declares, everyone's tone changes and suddenly Marco pipes up. "I know about some of us, but you never mentioned where you came from, Eren." Marcos voice is as friendly as ever, Eren hears it and gives a small smile to his friend Armin while slinging a hand over his shoulder.

"The same as Armin, I'm from Shinganshina." The air is tense, "Oh wow, that means.." "You saw it, you were there that day." Marco snaps his head over to Connie and scolds him for a second, "Quiet-" "The colossal one, did you see him?!" Marco shoots Connie a look that he only ignores. Maybe the boy wouldn't be sticking his foot in his mouth by saying dumb things so often if he had just listened to those around him, right? 

"Yeah. Yeah I did." Eren says, his voice different from before. He see's Armin from the corner of his eyes turn his head in the other direction, curious what could be distracting him Eren glances over and sees the girl from Armins story about today.

She's wearing a gray button up, out of her uniform she's in a shin length soft lilac pleated skirt, brown boots tied up just about an inch under the hem of the skirts fabric. His emerald eyes fixated on her presence, Armin scared her? She has a stone look on her face, nonchalant e/c eyes with shoulder length h/c tied tight into a ponytail with hair from her front framing her face. She looks like a normal girl, but it's the eyes, he thinks. There's something in them that makes him wonder if it was really Armin that frazzled her in that moment. 

"I'll be right back." Armin says to his friend, "I'll meet you in the mess hall soon." He finishes, giving his friend a smile before walking off in the direction of the girl. "Armin what're you doing?" He asks with curiosity, Connie, Marco and Mina have all started talking about food now at the mention of the mess hall. 

"Huh? I'm just gonna go apologize. I just feel bad about earlier, that's all." The boy shrugs his shoulders and with that he's off. 

Eren wonders to himself if Armin really is sorry because it's not like he did anything wrong, Shadis is the one who turned his head around like that. sure it was unexpected but the way he described it, he must have over exaggerated right? Eren recalls how immediately after Armin was torn a new one, a girl behind him was called out. Remembering that he had partially called her a coward without saying it, instead calling her timid and asking how someone like that could end up choosing to even think about joining the military. Well, that's how he remembered it at least. 

_I've enlisted to become a well respected soldier, Sir!_

That's what you said after words, the part of the story Armin forgot to tell. Nobody else unless they were paying attention or happened to hear it would have remembered.

Eren did remember this part, though. 

"Eren, come on lets go eat!" Mina and Marco nudge him off the steps of the cabins foot, as the four of them make their way to the mess hall. 


	3. 3: That Girl

"Yeah, that's right. I saw the big guy." Eren says under the light of the lanterns in the mess hall. Staring before him, a large group of cadets have surrounded his table with question after question. He's sitting there, chewing on a piece of bread while Thomas Wagner steps back in shock, a pale expression on his face. On one hand, Eren likes that he has something these other cadets don't have, and that's the knowledge of having seen a titan up close. But on the other hand, he isn't going to lie to himself, there's a part of him that's shrinking inside his head with minimal discomfort. "Exactly how tall was he?!" A cadet in a black button up t-shirt and a red vest asks, a few more cadets chime in their thoughts. Connie is kneeling on the ground with his chin resting on the table, cold fingers curled around the edge of the wood. He can feel the heat of Mina standing close behind him, and some other cadets standing closer as maybe one or two more join in around the table to hear Eren's tall tales of the horrors of Shinganshina. 

Armin and Mikasa aren't next to him, Eren wonders where Mikasa is, at least. He figures Armin is probably still with that girl from earlier, Y/n. Though he didn't think that it would take nearly this long. Seriously, though. How damn long does it take to say sorry to someone? In the amount of time it took Eren to eat half his bread, and majority of his soup, he could have said sorry about five different ways and been on with his own day. Why did he even need to apologize anyways? Well, it really is in Armin's character to go out of his way like this. 

Snapping out of his thoughts when he hears his new comrades talking in shocked voices, almost in disbelief. He lets out a sigh that goes unnoticed, "Woah, wait though I heard he stepped over the wall completely!" Lifting his spoon to his mouth, Eren sips on what's left of his soup as his eyes watch the other kids around him. "That was the rumor in my village too!" Another voice pipes in. Eren rolls his eyes after swallowing his spoonful of mushroom and root soup, "He was big, sure. But he wasn't _that_ big." He finishes, holding his spoon still before dipping back in for his last bite, but another question kept him from continuing on finishing his first meal of his life here. Glancing down at the almost empty tin, he frowns to himself at the fact that Mikasa and Armin were still nowhere to be seen, and he had finished his food without them basically at this point.

"What did it look like, Eren?" Mina asks, leaning forward on the table just a little bit and placing her chin in her hands, now directly next to Connie just a couple inches at a taller height then the bald boy. One of her black pigtails adjusts on her left shoulder, falling just a little. 

"Had a mouth like a corpse, and no skin just muscle." He says quickly before turning back to his tin and dipping the tip of his spoon back in. For a moment he pushes around a piece of mushroom while everyone gasps and banters between each other again. The candle on the table flickers from all the air in the room not being able to remain still, eyes focused back to reality Eren takes another sip of his soup. 

"What about the armored titan? Didn't it break through wall Maria?" Eren looks up with a cocked eyebrow, teal eyes staring into the person who had just asked. "Is that what they're callin' it? In all the panic, it was just another titan to me." Eren replies, going for his last bite before he decides it's time to through the tin out. 

"What where they like?" 

Eren freezes. His eyes, his mouth, his blood, his hand. It all stops. His eyes go wide with a dark look over them, skin paling just a little as his breath goes shaky. He stares at his spoon with fear in his eyes as the memory of that blonde, smiling titan ate his mother. The image played through in his memory like a sick song that went on repeat as slow as it could, he could even recall the shoe that fell off her foot and the way that her legs snapped at an unnatural angle as the titan took a chomp down on the woman who birthed him. 

He drops his spoon in the tin, the metal clanging and echoing as the room fell silent. slapping a hand over his mouth, everyone around the boy thinks he's about to lose his dinner as a sick expression crosses over his eyes. A pin could drop in this room, and everyone here would be able to hear it. There's a few people who immediately regret asking questions and smothering the boy with the rumors they had heard, an uncomfortable feeling twisting at their gut. Were they just making this boy relive his trauma for them to hear a cool story? The guilt in some of them made them a little uneasy, but yet nobody stepped away from the teal eyed brunette. 

Marco sighs for a moment, the sound of Eren choking down a faint gulp is his indication to speak up. "Come on, that's enough questions alright," Marco starts, the freckles on his tanned face illuminate in the direction he turns his head. "I'm sure he'd rather not relive everything that he went through that day." He finishes, Connie adjusts himself forward and opens his mouth. 

"Sorry..we didn't mean to-"

"It's _not_ like that!" Eren snaps himself out of his daze, the image of his mother leaves his head. His voice is louder this time, more emphasis in the things he says. He picks up the last half of his bread, and vigorously bites a chunk out. Smirking while he takes in some good chews of the bread, he suddenly has an entirely different look about him. 

"Those stupid titans, they're really not that big of a deal. If we focus on mastering the omni-directional mobility gear that they give us, then it's titan pay back time. I've waited years to be trained as a soldier and all of a sudden the reality is sinking in, I'm joining the scout regiment. After that I'll send the titans back to hell, I'm gonna butcher them _all_." Eren says, it sounds like the start to a speech, while he holds a half eaten loaf of bread at least. He's got this look on his face, it's determined for sure but there's something else to it too. He's getting so worked up, and without his two friends there to calm him down or ease him slowly, he can feel that anyone who doubts him is gonna taste the wrath of his judgment. 

"Hey, are you crazy or something?" Eren's eyes dart directly into the direction of a boy with light brown hair that grows on top, with darker hair underneath. He analyzes the boys face, noting that it looks rather _long_. "Not that it's any of my business," He starts, and Eren thinks to himself that he's right, it really _isn't_ any of his damn business. "But joining the reconnaissance is like a death sentence." The long faced brunette says, he has a shit eating smirk on his face that Eren notes. God it just makes him wanna smack it off him. Eren pulls his head back and stares at the boy, while the boy just rests his chin on his hand and keeps giving Eren that same stupid smug look.

"We'll see, or I guess I will. You seem content hiding in the interior walls with the MP's." He says, a look on annoyment on his face directly exactly towards him. He looks at his clothes, grimaces when he see's the vest. Of course he's an asshole who wears a vest, it just makes sense. Something about it just seems so goddamn annoying to Eren. 

"Look, I'm only speaking honestly here kid," _Kid?!_ "I think it's better than being some loud-mouthed braggart, tough guy, wannabe who's pretending he's not as scared as the rest of us-" He's quickly cut off by the sound of Erens bench scraping against the hard wood floors, clothes rustling as his posture aligns straight upwards, towering over the annoying horseface as he sits in comparison. He looks at the look on Erens face, eyes covered by a shadow of his hair, eyes seeming more dark and sunken in at the angle he can see him from. 

"Are you trying to pick a fight?" Eren asks, to which Marco pipes up and heads over to Jean with a "Stop it, you guys." Really at least trying to make an attempt to settle the room. To no avail, though. Marco watches as both of them stand up to each other and get in each others faces, on the other side Connie is watching the exact same view. Now it's evident that Eren is the shorter of the two males in this situation, but not that it matters. He's so sure that he could still kick this guys ass and lay him out, in front of everybody if he even had to. Yeah, and this is why Mikasa and Armin would have probably been helpful to keep this situation from happening. 

A bell rings, and everyone in the room lets out a soft gasp as if they had forgotten what time it was. Erens eyes dart to the door for a moment before looking back at the boy before him, the bell continuing to echo in the distance. 

The taller brunette sighs, and gives Eren a soft smile. 

"Hey, I apologize. Sorry for calling you names and dismissing your choice of career," He pauses, to outstretch a hand. Eren's eyes narrow as he stares at the hand before him, as if analyzing if this is a safe bet. He looks back up, eyes trailing the arm to the shoulder, finally landing on his eyes. "What do you say, put 'er there kid." He finishes. Eren really wishes he'd stop being called a kid.

"Right, yeah I'm sorry as well." Eren says, his hand going to smack his out of the way instead of shaking it, a smack of skin goes through the whole room while Eren makes his way for the door. At this point, there's no more reason to stay in the mess hall anymore, he'd already eaten and his friends aren't here. the only people who are, are people who wanna know what happened that day two years ago, and assholes who wanna doubt him. His thoughts are just to get on going. 

That's when Mikasa walks across the room from the same direction but further behind where Eren was and follows him out the door, he hadn't seen her yet but she was making her way over there to him. 

"U-Um excuse me!" Mikasa stops in her tracks, the long raven haired girl staying still for a moment before turning around. Keeping Eren in her eyesight's for as long as she can before turning around slowly. 

She's faced with the sight of the person who she just watches almost get in a fight with Eren over, except this time his face is beat red and he's struggling to get his words out. She doesn't even raise a thin black eyebrow to him, she just stares at him with an empty gaze until he can figure out how to speak again. 

"I- uh I just wanted," he pauses, "I mean, I've never seen anyone like you before," The boy pauses again, eyes darting to the floor as his face only heats up even more. "I mean um, I'm sorry- you have really beautiful black hair." His voice is shaking so bad, it's almost pitiful. 

"Thank you." she says softly yet stoicly, the boy doesn;t even get the chance to introduce himself and tell her that his name is _Jean_ before she's already turned her back and walked out the doors. Her angelic voice plays on loop in his head, a soft 'thank you' that he'd do anything to hear again out loud. 

"Wait-!" He says, running out the doors after her and stopping at the steps before the entrance.

"Would you lay off, it's not a big deal." Eren's voice gets to Jeans ears from the distance, it's followed by Mikasa's own voice. The one he'd wished was talking to _him_ , right now. He watches from his distance as their figures get smaller just slightly, but they're still in earshot. 

"It's just that you get so worked up and you _don't_ think things through. What happened in there was just an example." She replies, Jean here's her say something about how this time she chose not to step in, but next time that she would. 

"Again with this? If you insist on worrying, you might wanna start worrying about how long your hair is. Gonna be some freak accident if it gets caught up in the ODM gear." He says while brushing a hand under the nape of her neck and throwing up some of her silky dark locks. In her other hand, she takes a strand and rubs it between her fingers. 

"Okay, fine. I'll cut it."

Jean's face is frozen. Lips parted in disbelief and eyes covered by the shadow cast by his hair. If his blood could harden in his body and make him a statue, now would definitely be the time. Connie walks by, humming a small little tune to himself and just as he passes Jean, a heavy hand is wiped down his back.

"What the hell?! Did you just wipe something on me?!" Connie barks at the taller boy, arms fumbling behind his back to try and get to where Jean just swiped. 

"Don't worry. It was only my trust." 

*

"Have you seen Armin? I didn't know you were just sitting there watching me, but Armin didn't come after you did." Eren says, grimacing at the thought of Mikasa just watching over his shoulder without his knowledge. To be fair, he had done it to her a couple times himself. But over a stupid argument like that? Maybe she was just trying to see something for herself. 

"He wasn't with me, no." She replies while the two walk to their cabins. She was planning on hanging around Eren for a little before heading to the girls cabin, walking up the hill as the small building comes into sight. "That's weird. So he spent that whole time with her, huh." Eren mumbles. Mikasa raises an eyebrow at the boy besides her, and Eren opens his mouth to talk again until two figures sitting on the wooden steps come into vision. 

"Armin!" He shouts, taking off and legging it to his blonde friend. The closer he gets, he realizes that girl is with him. It's Y/n, and they look like they're having a lot of fun together, they hadn't noticed him and Mikasa yet. "Armin!" Eren shouts again, this time louder with his hands funneled around his mouth to make it reach him. 

"-and that's how friction works, isn't that cool? Watch this." He hears the girls voice say, she hadn't even noticed him. Armins eyes meet Eren, while the girl is rubbing her hands together with a piece of fabric between them. _Weird_ , he notes. Armin ,motions for his two friends to come sit down with the two of them, and as soon as Mikasa and Eren get there, Armin opens his mouth to talk.

"Guys, this is Y/n," Armin pauses, the h/c girl which is _you_ , sitting next to him looks between the raven haired female and the brunette boy all while rubbing your hands together. Suddenly, a mischievous grin shrouds your face as you make direct eye contact with Eren. A thought had just popped into your head. "She's that girl I told you about earlier." Armin finishes, motioning to Eren. Mikasa looks at Armin, and then you again.

 _What were they talking about?_ Mikasa thinks to herself, but her thoughts are cut ever so short as she watches you extend your hand to Eren, that wide grin still on your face underneath big excited eyes. She watches Eren extend his hand out to shake yours.

Oh, and Eren does.

Z _ap! Crackle!_

For the faintest of moments, you could have sworn your eye caught something there. 

"What the hell was that?!" He shouts, feeling a weird sensation in the tips of his fingers as you two made contact for the first time. It was weird, it was so fucking weird. He had never felt that before, and your face looks shocked too. Your eyes dart back up at Eren, e/c tones dancing around the black iris's of the middle going wide. Normally when you shock someone like this it doesn't feel that strong, damn even your finger kind of tingles a little. 

"I'm so sorry, oh my god I didn't think it'd be _that_ strong." You start apologizing profoundly, Armin lets out a couple hearty laughs, holding his stomach and pointing to his friend, who just has the most unimpressed look on his face. You end up burying your face in your hands to try your best and avoid eye contact. You genuinely feel bad, you were just having fun.

"That's what happens when you create _friction_ and touch someone, she says it's like energy that your body can make on it's own if you use it the right way." He clarifies, wiping a stray tear from his eye. He looks between Mikasa and Eren, who aren't nearly as impressed as he was when she explained how it worked after doing it to him on accident. 

"H-Hey, I don't want everybody to start off on the wrong foot here. She wasn't being malicious or anyth-" Armins voice is cut off once he see's what Eren is doing.

He's gritting his teeth together while rubbing his hands pretty aggressively on the fabric of his shirt, looking back up to you just a moment before poking his finger into your forehead. You tilt your head forward slightly, feeling absolutely nothing come from Erens attempt at trying to get payback on you. 

"What?! Why cant _I_ do it?!" Eren shouts, looking down at you and continuously poking his finger into your forehead as if trying to force it to work. You shove his hand away from you the next time he does it, man what the hell is he trying to do? That clearly isn't it.

"Here, you're doing it wrong-" 

Armin listens as the two go back and forth, he looks back over to Mikasa who just has been standing there and witnessing them like idiot fools. The blonde pats the wood next to him, as if asking Mikasa if she wants to come and sit with them. The sounds of you and Eren bickering over how wrong he's doing it, and then him asking how he could possibly be doing it wrong if all he had to do was rub his hands together fills his ears.

Armin's glad he made a friend today that seemed to get along with Eren, Mikasa however said something about needing to head back to the girls dorms so she can turn in for the night. He gave a small frown, but he understood that it was late. And with that, she had turned on her heel and took off. Maybe him and Eren should let you go back on down, too then.

"Okay- Eren I think you got it- _Eren_ \- Eren you can give it a _rest_ now!" He shoots his head in your direction, the sight of Eren rubbing his hands together in a different way and then poking you on the shoulder or the arm a couple times makes him stop and smile. 

He really wouldn't mind spending the next three years here if he was sure to have more moments like these.

This is truly the start to something great, right? 


	4. 4: A Dream or a Memory

The girls who share your room are all waken up with the sound of a loud scream, the one who sleeps below you is the first to react to it, though. It doesn't take long for all of them to shoot upright in their beds, but it's followed by the sound of your body only hitting the floor.

The girl who sleeps below you watched as you fell off the edge of your bed, back hitting the floor and knocking every bit of wind out of you. Your back arched in pain while your other hand remained fixated on your eye, covering it and continuing to scream. 

The whole night had been a little uneasy with the other girls, you had a habit of sleep talking in a way that really seemed to creep them out, and now it's seemed like you just woke up from a nightmare so bad it had a physical effect on your body. They all watched in shock as your body inched and writhed on the floor, your other hand gripping onto the fabric of your shirt and tearing below your chest. It suddenly hit them that this might be a medical problem, when the thought of you possibly being dramatic was thrown out the window the moment they noticed your body started convulsing at their feet.

"Someone go get Shadis!" 

*

"This is so stupid. I don't get to train today? Not even at all?" You asked, watching as all your new comrades got to be hooked up to the training gear outside through the window. So far you had spent your whole day in the infirmary, hand pressed to the glass you watch as Eren Yeager is lifted up by his waist into the air.

"That's your concern? You might be getting sent to the fields, cadet L/n." Another voice pipes up back to you, it was one of the nurses. You don't bother to look back at her, but only keep your eyes on Eren as his body swings completely forward and his head goes straight into the ground. You grimace, watching the fall. You could basically hear his head make contact with the ground from here. 

"I'm about to have company, nurse." You mumble to her, turning your head away from the glass, "Would you please sit in your cot? I won't be asking you again." She says, sweetly. You give her a sigh and do so, moving away from the window lined with wood. "Can I write a letter to my mother?" You ask, turning your head to the redhead before you. She was really cute, maybe around her late twenties. You wanted to be a professional as possible for some reason, referring to the woman as your mother and not your mom. It didn't make a difference other than the way it made you sound, honestly. You sit there in your cot, a long cotton white nightgown and an ice pack on your head going back in place. 

"We already wrote one informing her of your accident, but you can contact her if you'd like too." She says, coming over to you with parchment and a pencil. You wince, knowing your mom is probably gonna have a complete meltdown if she got the military's letters without yours coming in after with a full explanation. All they would tell her is that you had a seizure and got sent to the fields, while on the other hand you could tell her what really happened.

But this? It's not ever happened like this before. The nightmares? Absolutely. This reaction to it? No. The worst it's been is having a screaming headache as soon as you woke up, not a full blown seizure. It doesn't help that you can never remember the dream in it's full length, but it's the same one every single time. The screaming and the crying was something that you thought would go away with age, but even after two years you still awake with pure fear that shakes your bones. Thank god it doesn't happen every night, but why the first night here? 

"Thank you miss." You say, smiling as she brings over a tray for you to write on. Sadness fills your heart for a moment, the last thing that you want to do is get sent to the fields. All your life as far as you can remember, you've wanted nothing other than to be a soldier. Maybe being a soldier would help you remember your life before your parents took you in after the fall of Shiganshina, right? It's part of what you thought about when you set your sights on this plan. 

That's right. You don't remember anything about your life up until two years ago on that day, your mother said that a soldier found you on the verge of death and brought you on the very last ship out of there. After that you were transported to an orphanage and the rest is history, your mother and father adopted you and gave you a sheltered life inside Trost from there. It's been assumed that your birth parents lived in Shinganshina, and were probably killed during the attack on the walls but there's honestly no real way of knowing what truly happened to them.

But one thing is for certain, whoever they were? They were... _strange_. You didn't understand how to speak like other kids at your age, you knew most words but your parents spent a year and a half teaching you the language of the land until you spoke it just as perfectly as everybody else. You knew an entirely different alphabet than your parents did, and to this day they never understood what any of it was. They just assumed you either made it up, or something in your brain didn't click the way that other's did. And the last option was that your parents were _more_ than just strange. But regardless, there really is no actual way of knowing what happened to your birth parents. So, it got chalked up to you just being a sheltered kid at the time.

You needed to stay in the military. You need answers.

You put your pencil to the parchment, starting to write but the sounds of the doors opening took your attention away and it was then the sight filled your eyes. Eren, slumped over in the arms of someone who you don't know the rank of, but he's definitely in charge of something. With that fall you watched the boy take earlier, you figured it would probably only be a matter of time until he showed up in the infirmary with you. Deadpanning, you stare at his face and realizing he took an even worse spill than you thought, so much that _steam_ was practically coming out of his scalp and his eyes were glossed over white. 

"Eren...?" You ask, seeing if the boy is awake while the higher ranked officer drags his body to the cot and lays him down, not the most gracefully but what can you say about dead weight? It's heavier that way, isn't it? The nurse comes running in, military uniform that's slightly different from the others rustling as she rushes over to the unconscious boy. Your eyes fixate on him, more so the steam coming off of him. 

_You've seen it before_. You don't know how, you don't know when, but this sight? It's familiar. You recall that it's not exactly normal for people to steam like that unless there's a temperature difference, say Eren's body was extremely hot and he was being exposed to cold air. Maybe then, it would make sense. Your eyes narrow on the boy, your sudden interest in him went from him being Armin's friend, to someone who doesn't make too much sense now. 

"Not now, you can talk to him when he's up!" The nurse darts to you, voice not exactly in a yell but she has a rushed way of speaking. She rushes to the boys side, and pulls the curtains around his cot and you can hear the sound of tape ripping.

How bad of a fall did he take?! You shove the thoughts aside, ignoring Eren to go back to writing that letter to your mom. Yeah, things are weird. But maybe if you just focus on something else for a while it'll distract you. 

You go back to what you were doing, the sounds of the nurses chatting over Eren's unconscious body, the phrases "Not cut out" and "Send to the fields." enters your ears. You frown, staring at the curtains that move. Is he really gonna be sent back? Are you? You know one thing, and it's that neither of you deserve that. There had to be a reason why Eren failed, and there had to be a reason why you had a seizure. 

the nurses finish up with Eren, quietly wheeling a kit out with them as they go. Seems' that they're fine with the idea of leaving the two of you alone here, probably because he's too injured to get up and they don't even understand what kind of state you're in. Regardless, you begin to write your real thoughts down in the silence of the room, aside from the air in the window that seeps in it's way.

_Dear mom, and Dad I suppose. But we both know mom's gonna get this message first, right? It's my second real day here, and I got kicked out of training for the time being. They wanna send me to the fields, I know they're gonna give you guys a letter about what happened, but I'm fine. It was just a nightmare again and they're over-reacting._

You stare at the words you just wrote, and start erasing them vigorously. You grunt, not knowing exactly what to say to the woman. That woman gave you everything and you just walked away from it. The reality of the matter is sinking in for you, the disrespect in your actions, the hurt you've caused. You already knew that ever since you left, that woman is probably going back to puffing on cigarettes', and crying in your room. She probably sleeps in your room, in your bed with your blankets. You know that she wont wash them, holding onto the scent of you. She would probably wear your clothes if they fit her, and she's probably brushing her hair with your own brush. You feel your eyes burn, tears threatened to come out. This is what you want, it's your dream. But why did it have to hurt the ones you love so goddamn bad?

"Knock knock." You recognize that voice, and the sound of it forces the tears back into your eyes. No, there's no way you can let that person witness you crying, of all the people? Definitely not him.

" _Kirstein_ ," You say, eyes widening in surprise as you watch his hand curl around the door, unknowing that Eren is across from you behind the curtains. Hah, how amusing the thought is. You remember last night how before you went into your cabin, you heard Eren telling Armin about some jackass that shit all over his dreams in front of everyone during supper last night. Sounds about right. Jean kind of _is_ a jackass, or at least now he is. When you two were kids though, you were probably the jackass between the two. 

"Couldn't handle the last beating I gave you, come here for more, Jean-boy?" You ask, smirking, calling him by the name you'd hear his mother call out on nights that the sun went down when you two had played for so long that both your parents got worried. He doesn't return the amusing or catty behavior, only walks towards you with a serious tone in his eyes. You can tell by the actions of his movements that this is serious, and he's come here for a better reason than to be bullied by you. It's only then you realize he's not exactly that same kid, but you catch a glimmer of it in the way his face refuses to twist up at you even when he tries. It's like his eyes refuse to show you just how angry he is, instead they show you disbelief and pain.

"Why did you enlist in the cadets?" He asks with a booming voice and narrow amber eyes. "Wh-" You're about to say something, but his hands go to your shoulders and he's shaking you back and forth. Your e/c eyes widen in shock, he's never been this forward with you, usually you remembered he was a timid kid. He was a little chubbier, he was never even able to keep up with you in races between the other neighborhood kids. And now he's standing here by your bedside, shaking your shoulders back and forth with gritted together teeth. His jawline is more sharp, not soft and round. He looks so different, you almost question if this was even the same Jean from before. Wait, how did he know you were here?!

_Damn it, my bunk mates are spreading rumors about me now? They're telling everyone I had a seizure?_

"Are you _crazy?_ You're gonna die out there! Idiot- I knew you'd pull something like _this._ " He says, that last part almost to himself. His head hangs between his shoulders, hands on your own stiff ones, you feel his fingers gripping the fabric over them and squeezing. "Does Samantha know, that you're here?" He finally asks, raising his eyes at your own. 

Your face drops all expression of concern for the boy. Jean didn't just cross the line, he picked it up and used it to tie you down with that statement alone. Your lips, pursed together into a thin line, eyes so wide that it feels like they're about to shove your eyebrows above your own forehead. Jean see's this, and instantly he thinks of his encounter with Eren last night.

_No way. She's got that same stupid look on her face._

Your hand is raised in the air, Jean doesn't even process this as your palm makes contact with his face, the slapping sound being the only thing in the room. Thank god the nurses had left before Jean got here, you're sure that would have been enough to get you written up. 

"What gives _you_ the damn right." You say sternly, a blank stare with unmoving eyes lock onto his face as a red handprint starts to glow on his pale cheek, his head still turned in the other direction from the force of your smack catching him off guard. You can't believe there was a moment you were excited to be in the same training group as Jean, you never would have thought he'd turn out this _entitled_. It hurts your heart, in a way. This was the one person you knew from home, and he doesn't even want you here? 

"I don't want you near me, just leave me be." You finish the statement, while Jean slowly takes his hands off your shoulders. Honestly, what the hell? Why would he bring up your mother like that, he has absolutely no right. What about his own mother? How does she feel about him joining the cadet corps? you realize that comparison probably isn't nearly as dramatic as your own mother, though. And that apart of him has a point. His mother and your mother were close friends, so he probably has an inside scoop on how Samantha is doing based off of what his mother probably writes to him.

But little do you know, Jean doesn't read any of those letters his mom sends him. He only asked this because of how he remembered your mother being. Jean himself recalls the first day you came to Trost from the Orphanage, because it was the first time he'd seen something so _sad_. He remembers the limp in your walk, the dried blood in your at the time short h/c hair, even the scattered bruises that covered your entire body. Why? Because it was the only time he's ever seen you injured. And he remembers after that, the next time he saw you? You had none of those injuries. It was almost like a blessing that you didn't have a single scar on you, Jean dates back every single time his mother would send him over with a Dish for Samantha and her whole family, only to see you perfectly fine. You would normally be sitting at the table playing with dolls that you made out of straw, until one day you came outside to play with him. And wow, doe Jean remember how rough you played as a kid. He's got a couple scars to prove it, seeing as a couple of them were from _you_ playing too damn hard. 

Jean stares at you with hurt in his face, though your expression never falters from the moment you raised your hand. Still, that same disappointed empty glare directing towards the light haired brunette before you.

"You should leave her alone, _horseface._ "

A voice across the room grunts out, bringing both you and Jeans attention to the body who speaks it. Eren is standing shakily at the side of his bed, hand wrapped around curtains that pull all the way to the left, exposing his body. He's wearing his training uniform still, but it's completely loosened in every way it can be, and a wrap is placed around the base of his skull all around his forehead. 

Your eyes light up at Eren, just barely. Jean see's this and rolls his own while looking away from you, but at Eren.

"Of _course_ the two suicidal maniacs found each other," Jean groans, getting up from your side and making his way to the door. He doesn't look back at you, but he talks to you from the distance before he takes off. That statement makes you a little angry, face heating up so quickly that you feel like you may just be like Eren and start steaming, yourself. 

"You better make it in the top ten ranks, Y/n." It's the last thing he says to you before he takes off, knowing that it means he probably want you to join the military police so you can be safe. And with that he was gone, and you felt everything in the air go quiet again, until you look back at Eren.

And oh boy, he looks like he has so many questions for you.


	5. 5: An Uncomfortable Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reader gets kinda bullied sorta if that's a trigger for you idk man girls are mean

"I was wondering why I didn't see you during aptitude training." Eren says, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow at you. You look away, realizing the note was available for him to see that know time. He could see your letter from where he was standing, and at this point you wonder if Jean saw it, too. Though Eren's way too far to read it, it's clear that you were doing something detrimental. Your facial expression doesn't hide it, either. 

But eren was...looking for you? Why? That's kind of weird, or something. You wonder how Armin and even Mikasa did on their aptitude training, wondering even more so how they're doing knowing that Eren failed it. 

"I had an accident this morning, that's all." You say quietly, taking up the blanket from your cot and wrapping it around your shoulders. It isn't exactly something you wanna talk about, those nightmares are something you're certain nobody else would understand. The way they feel, it's like they're more than that. Everything that happens to you in those dreams feels more real than anything you have felt in your whole life, especially the end of it. But, those are the only parts you can remember of it. If just the ending hurts this much, maybe it's better you don't know what the first half of those nightmares are full of. 

"So I heard, y'know at first I really thought you just skipped out on training altogether." He's avoiding saying something that he knows and you don't. You can feel it in the way he speaks, like he's avoiding touching a certain subject. You give him another sigh, and pull the blanket tighter around you. Messy h/c hair, a little longer now that it's out of it's tie. 

"You can just tell me what you heard those girls say, I'm probably gonna get shit from everyone else too." You finally let out, looking up at the teal eyed boy with an embarrassed expression. It's obvious he knows, and it's obvious that probably everyone within the corps knows too. You didn't get bunk mates like Sasha, or Mikasa, or that blonde girl with the bun, or even that other blonde girl with the wide blue eyes who just seemed so nice to you when you passed her by yesterday. No, not even Mina. You got three complete strangers who didn't really seem to take a liking to you right off the bat, they had all come from the same village and already made up their mind that the three of them were all they had needed. It didn't help that they all were kind of sour, in their personality at least.

Eren sighs, and looks in the other direction.

"Does it _matter_ what they're telling everyone? So what if you get nightmares. I think that's _better_ if they know that, so when you prove that you're stronger and braver then them you'll make them eat their _words_." He states, almost directly in a threat to you. It's like he was telling you that you needed to stand up and get over it, what a weird way to console someone. He's got a determined look on his face, thick brown eyebrows furrowed together and a fist in front of him as if he were punching the air. This boy sure is something else, that's for sure.

But he's got a point, he's got such a strong point. What were you thinking, getting so sappy over those girls giving you a hard time. Where's the version of yourself that just slapped Jean for questioning your life goals? Eren sees that your facial expressions change while you process his thoughts, and he gives off a kind smile when he notices your frightened face goes from that scared one to what he could only describe as a future _Warrior_ realizing their potential. 

"You're right. This damn establishment is _not_ sending me to the fields!" You shout up at him, eyes glimmering in that same way when you stated your reasoning for being here in the beginning, "I'm going to be a well respected soldier, regardless of how I sleep at night." You finish, both your fists balled up so tight to the point that your nails are digging into your fists. Eren's eyes widen, he's absolutely astounded. This girl sitting right before him acorss the room might just be the only other person who truly gets it on the level that he does. Sure, Armin and Mikasa understand why he's doing this, but they don't feel it. He knows that Armin gets it more than his adopted sister does, but neither of them match up to the level of pure promise that you just showed him.

"You're not going to the fields either, Eren. I just know it." His eyes snap back to his reality, staring you down as you've got a closed eyed grin, and a thumb pointed up to the ceiling directed at him.

A red tint across his cheeks, he turns his head to the side and retorts back to you.

"I'm not going to the fields, it was never an option to begin with." He's gotta get some damn help on that mobility gear, though. He's a little, no scratch that, hes incredibly embarrassed that he failed at it. And now you're sitting right before him chanting that he can just do it if he puts his mind to it?! You don't even know if you can do it. 

*

"Just remember the basics, and you should be fine." Mikasa starts, you stare at her pale face as she speaks to Eren. It just hits you how pretty she is, you cant really help but stare at her while she speaks with a voice that just fits her face so well. Not only that, but she's super talented. You heard Armin talk about how she was doing it perfectly even on the first try, to the point that the higher ups picked her out of the group and said that she was the standard everyone should be aiming for. You're with the three of them doing extra training because Eren insisted you come with them, and Armin was more than okay with the idea. The only one who had any issues with it was Mikasa, you don't know why. But it kind of hurt a little, you really want to be her friend too. everything about her is just...wow she's just amazing, isnt she? You'd swear you could fall in love with a girl like that if you liked girls. Strong-

"Y/n, you're up after Eren. So I hope you're listening too." Mikasa voice knocks you out of your thoughts, it's stern and demanding, not as soft as when she was speaking to Eren. You nod in understanding, a bead of sweat dropping down your temple. You wonder if she could maybe read your thoughts, deciding to wipe your brain of any weird thought like that. No, you don't have a crush on Mikasa. More like a...what is it? You don't know, you think you just wanna be as strong and adept as her. Maybe that was the case, but the best you can do is whatever it is she does. If that's even possible, at least. Your eyes land on a wrap that's tied tightly around her wrist, did she hurt herself?

The sun is setting and it makes the surroundings even more beautiful, even if it is just dirt that the four of you stand on. "No need to try any fancy maneuvers. Just focus on your balance." Mikasa says, hands going to Erens waist and hooking him in more securely. You can see the uncomfortable look on his face as it twist up in the other direction, but alas she removes herself and she goes to stand back. You place yourself on the other side of Armin, looking over to the blonde only to get a kind smile from him. 

Armin was extremely nice, he was also smart. God, you could talk to Armin for hours about things. He's so informational, and he's interesting, too. You were a bit of a book worm, you don't know why but you've always just been drawn to information and knowledge, and that's exactly what Armin seems to enjoy too. It's nice to talk to someone who has an open mind. He even talked about the outside world, maybe once or twice with you. Though he never mentioned anything too deep, as if he was trying to gauge your comfortability with the thoughts and ideas that he has about what's behind the other side of those big ass walls. 

"distribute your weight evenly between the belts on your waist and your legs," Mikasa finishes, and Armin cuts in his two cents. "Loosen up your stance a little bit, if I could do it then I know that you can. Both of you, actually." Armin gestures to you besides him, Eren looks back at his blonde friend next to his new one with a concerned look on his face. You look over his features, wheres the boy that demanded you put on a show for those others?! The one that told you to make those other girls eat their words.

"Eren, I know you're capable, you've gotta do it." You state, a stern look on your eyes while a polite smile takes place over your lips, you look between him and Armin, wondering why Armin had to put himself down like that just to uplift Eren. Sure Armin was scrawny, and a little weaker than everyone else here. But that has nothing to do with balance. You frown, wishing that Armin really would give himself some more credit. You think that he definitely deserves it. 

"Okay, a lose stance but balanced. Well, let's give it a shot Armin." Eren says, Armin nods and raises the wires.

"Y/n, wanna help me out?" He says, going to one side of the crank while you walk to the other, the look on Mikasas' face tells you not to do it, as she was making her way over there first. You raise your hands up at her in protest and give her a smile.

"I think Mikasa was gonna do it, maybe next time though." You say in a cheery tone, giving Mikasa her space. You really don't know what it is about you that makes her dislike you so much, and only you seem to be able to notice the girls feelings towards you so it's not like you can say anything about it to anyone else. You'd just have to wait for an opportunity to talk to her in private. It really does hurt your feelings, and you know how stupid that sounds but it just does. 

The two of them turn the cranks on either side of the poles, you watch as Erens body is raised in the air and-

He hits his head again. This time maybe even worse.

 _Shit,_ you think to yourself. If you get it done perfectly after Erens' failed attempt? He's gonna feel like crap. But at the same time you shouldn't pretend to do bad just to save his own feelings. What the hell, you don't even know if youre gonna do well at all. For all you know you'll end up just like Eren, on the floor.

"Y/n, it's your turn now." Mikasa says, voice dull and quiet. she's already helped Eren out of his gear, who is now sitting on the ground next to Armin in disbelief.

"O-Ookay." you say, stepping where Eren once stood. You flinch as Mikasa puts her hands around your waist and secures you in, they're not harsh at all? you were half expecting her to be a little aggressive with it, because you had assumed she doesn't like you, but she's being gentle with you.

"Are you ready?" She asks, looking up at you, silver eyes showing no actual important emotion towards you, yet her hands double check ever belt loop to make sure that you're in safely.

"I- um yeah." you stutter your words, taken completely aback by the sudden kidness- no it's not even kindness! It's common decency, don't get it confused. Your mind is just a weird mix of emotions, but at the bottom of it all the heaviest one is the guilt you feel for Eren.

Your face is bright pink, Armin is the only one out of the three to notice it before he starts to get to his side of the crank while Mikasa gets to the other side. He gives you a look that you don't see, and glances back to Eren who's just been sitting with his head hanging between his knees the whole time, staring at the dirt. It's hard to focus on helping you out when all he wants to do is tell his brunette friend that he can just try again tomorrow.

Inch by inch, your feet in brown boots raise off the ground, you feel yourself wobble, resisting the urge to grab the wires next to you. But...you do it! You can do it, you're body feels like it's almost levitating off the ground, almost! You stumble forwards once or twice a couple times but you always manage to catch yourself.

You don't show everyone how excited you are, though. You keep it to yourself out of respect for Eren.

*

Looks like Eren and you are both getting the same treatment from your peers. Everyone laughing about how you, someone who has plans on being a respectable soldier, has nightmares so bad that it causes problems for your bunkmates. And on the other hand, everyone else is laughing about how Eren, someone who said he's going to kill all the titans, can't even use the ODM gear. You hear chattering about Eren, all of it makes you just wanna dig your fork into the table.

He isn't sitting with you, either. After you did so well, he's been real quiet to you. Armin asked you if you wanted to come sit with them, but you decided to keep your distance. If Eren wanted to talk to you, then he would. You figured it would be best to just let the boy breathe. You're sure in enough time he'll get it down, and when he does he'll probably say something to you again. It's just a matter of time, you've got hope for him after all.

You watch the steam escape from his head, again. 

_There's really something weird about that_. You think to yourself, staring from across the room like an absolute weirdo. For a moment, you make eye contact with Eren, gulping and looking away, but only to your food. Sitting alone at the table really makes you look weird, especially with the rumors about you going around. Everyone's saying that you talk in your sleep, but you don't even know what it is you say. You're almost afraid to find out, honestly. A dream you don't remember, but now everyone knows what you speak in your nightmare? That's kind of horrifying. 

" _Mommy don't hurt me, please_!" You hear a girl whine as she jams her elbow into your back, chortling laughter as she walks away. Your face turns red and you stare in thought at the table. You listen to her set herself down at a table on the other side, laughing with her friends.

"Isn't that the kid from yesterday who said he'd kill all the titans?" You hear a voice say.

"That girl is _messed up_." Another one from the table away from you mumbles to another friend.

"Well, I bet they'll be off to the frontier tomorrow." Another voice interjects.

Your eyes are already filling with angry tears, nobody has the right to what happens in your head, especially if you can't even remember. Where the hell do they get off?! You're holding your chest, wondering what your mother has to do with any of this.

The only parts of your nightmares that you remember are when a woman with the same colored eyes as you slides a long tube with a needle under your eyelid, a really weird looking syringe. And it's not just that, you can always see _something insect-like moving inside the glass,_ the tube is long enough and hollow enough for _it_ to swim around. She's usually wearing a short white coat, with blood splattered all over the front of it, and there's loud yelling from two different men in the background. You remember watching her thumb come closer to your face as she's pushing whatever liquid and _thing_ is inside the syringe into the membranes under your skin around your left eye socket. You know that she's saying something to you, but you cant make out the words. All you know is that you're in a room full of annoyingly bright white lights, lights you've never seen so bright anywhere else. If you had to guess, you'd swear you were in _heaven_ if it weren't for the actions happening to you every time you're in that room that exists in your nightmares. 

And now everybody else knows, too. It's so goddamn embarrassing. You don't know how much they know, they could obviously only know what you've said in your sleep. But it's the fact that you don't even know is what's driving you absolutely nuts. 

"We don't have enough food to feed worthless rejects." You see Mikasa jam her elbow into Erens side from the corner of your vision, the urge to get up and leave is so damn tempting. Everything is just so....uncomfortable. Armin keeps looking at you from his seat, a worried look in his eyes when he finally gets it that you and Eren are in the same boat, even if you can use the gear, you're still hurt by something. Armin doesn't particularly associate himself with anybody he deems rude for no reason, or mean for that matter. So he hasn't exactly heard the rumors going around about you, but what he overhears in the mess hall really breaks his heart. He feels like he's violating your privacy, with every new bit of information that he hears whispered from one girl to another. 

"You're Y/n, right?" A males voice is presented to you, you look up after a moment of just staring at the table. It sounds polite enough, so you feel comfortable making eye contact. Your soft e/c eyes glance upwards to meet two boys standing before you, one beefy and blonde, and the other tall and lanky. 

"I'm Reiner, this is Berthold." He says, extending a hand to you. Your nervous eyes watch him, slowly extending out your hand and taking in his strong one. Your eyes wince as his grip is tighter than you would expect, not knowing the anxious look on Berthold's face while it's out of your view. 

"Can we sit with you?" You listen to him ask, wondering why he would wanna sit with you while everyone else here is calling you a freak. "Um, sure." You reply, watching as the two take no extra time in waiting and plant themselves right in front of you. While they sit, their height goes away and from behind them, for just the faintest of moments, you're accidentally making eye contact with a blonde girl whose hair is tied up into a bun. 

Her eyes are so damn cold, narrowed directly on you. It was just by chance that you happened to see her, but by the way she was looking at you?

She had already been in a deep stare at you this whole time. Something about that just shakes you to your core. 


	6. 6: The Secret

"So where are you from?" Reiner asks, smiling in a coy way as he eats a piece of bread from his plate. You don't really say much to them, mostly just confused why they're even giving you attention in the first place. Todays really just been fucking with your head, and tomorrow you get a last shot to continue your training. Tomorrow is when Shadis gives you and Eren a final attempt to show off your skills with the ODM gear, though you've proven you can do it yourself away from higher ups, you're just worried about Eren.

"Trost." You answer quietly, looking at the tall brunette next to him. You can tell eye contact is hard for him, because Berthold is the first to break it. Something is really weird about these two boys, but you focus on them instead of the girl behind them. Every time you glance at her, she isn't looking at you anymore, but she still scares the shit out of you. You'd rather not put yourself in a situation where you have to talk to her. Not to judge a book by it's cover, obviously. you wouldn't mind the chance to get to know her, but now is definitely not that time. you're never against meeting new people, but time and place matters. 

"Look, we didn't come over to give you a hard time. _Heard some stuff those girls were saying_ , we just thought that you shouldn't sit alone. We can go if you want us to, just say the word and Bert and I here are off on our own way!" He chimes at you, giving you a wide closed eyed smile. "Hell, if you want even we can give you some ODM tips. Tomorrow is your last chance to prove you can stay here, right?" He asks, you simply sigh and get up. Looking at the two boys who remain sitting down, you rest the tips of your fingers on the table and open your mouth again to speak to them.

"I appreciate it, but I think I just want to be alone for a while. Thank you two, though." You say, waving your hand off. You really do come to appreciate what the two boys were doing, at first you didn't really know about it, but. They did seem nice, you guess. But now isn't really the time where you want to be social. You're just feeling kind of down.

"Maybe another time, then." Reiner says almost with a certain voice that knows he's gonna get his way somehow, and you pause for a moment before giving the muscular blonde a nod regardless. "Sure thing. Rain check, then." You reply, and with that you were off on your way, out of the main two doors.

You needed to get some sleep tonight if you wanted to be ready for tomorrow.

*  
  


"Eren Yeager, Y/n L/n, are you ready?" Shadis says to both of you, two sets of mobility gear training poles have been set up right next to each other for you and Eren to use at the same time in front of everyone, the whole 104th training corps is watching. You glance over to Eren for the faintest of seconds, snapping your attention back to your Commandant and hoping for the best that Eren doesn't screw up again. It would really suck if he got sent to the fields, you really think that he's a lot like you. Plus, for all you know if Eren got sent to the fields, Armin and Mikasa might just go with him. 

There's a very large chunk of you that wants the four of you to stay together. You know deep in your heart that there's no way you come in comparison to the friendship that the three of them have separately, but there's really something about those three people that draw you into their lives as much as you wanna yank them into yours. You know that you might not ever be considered as good as a friend to them, because of how tight knit they were, but you don't wanna go into a career filled with death and destruction with nobody by your side either. 

Eren has this impossible to kill drive, he knows what he wants in life. You understand that better than anyone else, it's amazing that amount of courage he put in you that day in the infirmary. You want to have that kind of energy around you if you're going into a battle with the titans. Eren's attitude really makes you feel comfortable, it's like he's your other half. You wouldn't et Mikasa hear that, though. Its a safe idea to keep some boundaries, and you don't know if that's stepping over them or not. 

Armin, smart as ever. You and him brainstorm ideas at the drop of a dime. He's so incredibly smart, he knows his way with words too. You respect him just as much as you wish he'd take a little more pride in himself at the same time, however. You know Armin can be a strong person if he puts his mind to it, his brain is just astounding though. You think that's the most interesting thing about him.

Mikasa, where do you even start? She's quiet and strong willed, strong as hell too, actually she's just strong in _general_. You bet she could bench press you, Armin and Eren combined. There's nothing you wanna do more than train with her in the mornings, just anything to be more like her. She's the kind of soldier that you want to be, and you can tell by the way Eren looks at her that he feels the same way. When she picks up something too heavy for anyone else, he's always the first one to puff out in jealousy. You on the other hand? You make sure Mikasa always see's that you've got nothing but admiration for her. Anything to show that she has no reason to dislike you. You don't think she's warming up to that idea yet, though.

Shaking your head to get out of your thoughts, you are really a little too worried about Eren failing this, aren't you? If the worst happens, you'll still make it. You'll still be the one standing at the end of the day. You'll still be able to continue your training, why does it matter if they don't? You need to focus on yourself, and only yourself. Oh how the contradictions you have start to appear ever so slowly. 

"Yes, sir!" The both of you shout, chains rattling in the metal loops as you both move from the gesture.

 _I'll do this...I can do this! I may not have talent...but I've got more guts than anyone else here!_ Erens' thoughts are loud in his head, "Begin!" Shadis shouts, and the both of you are slowly hoisted up.

You both are doing it, your eyes shoot wide open in Erens' direction and for the first time since he saw you do it perfectly, he's looking at you with the same expression. Your mouth makes a smile, and his does too as everyone before you both cheers you guys on. Loud praise from your peers, god it makes your heart so happy. _Take that, bitches!_ You think to yourself, grinning so wide that you feel like your cheeks are about to split. 

"I did it..!" Eren says quietly, you hear it and start nodding to him in excitement. "Of course you did it, Eren." You reply, smiling at him. Your eyes go forwards again, and you see Jean staring at you from the back of the ground. He's standing there with his legs crossed, arms too. It's like he wished you had failed here and got sent to the fields, or home. What an asshole. Why the hell is he being like this?! If anything, you should be the one kicking that kids ass for joining the training corps. If he doesn't make it in the top ten ranks, he's gotta have to chose between the Garrison or the Scouts. And you know damn well that arrogant shithead isn't gonna join the scouts, no matter what. The day that Jean choses the scouts is the day that pigs fly. You make eye contact with him, as if saying _Look at me. I'm doing it, and I'm doing it just to spite you._

But only one remains upright. The praise is cut short when Eren's body is flung backward into the ground. 

Your eyes falter on Erens body, looking him all the way down. The way your hair covers your eyes and casts a shadow over your face makes Eren uncomfortable in a way he doesn't even wanna think about, looking away he stares upright at the sky. Shadis walks up to the two of you, you remain upright in your gear perfectly still, while the commandant is staring down Eren. You can't keep your eyes off Eren, disbelief and shock at the same time dance in your eyes.

"N-Not yet, I'm not giving up yet!" Eren says, though he's dropped to the ground once Shadis tells someone to drop him. You're followed suit, someone lowering you to the ground as well.

"Cadet L/n, you're free to continue. Join your peers." He says sternly, without even looking at you. "But if you have another medical _accident_ like that again, you're getting sent elsewhere." He's still staring at Eren. You give the boy one last glance, a sorry look on your face before turning around and making your way to Armin and Mikasa. 

Eren drops to his hands and knees in front of everyone, a loud gasp from him is heard all around everyone outside. 

"I....I..." Eren starts, you can see his eyes shaking from where you stood with Armin and Mikasa at your sides. Glancing to Mikasa, her face is showing no change. Apart of you wonders if maybe she wants Eren to fail here, they do seem really close in a way you don't quite understand yet. You look at Armin, who has the same look on his face that you do. _Thank god_ , you think. Something about Armin and you feeling the same way really puts you at ease, but in this case it just means that Eren is done for. That's not really something that leave your thoughts calm, though.

In your head you're going over your goodbyes to the three, knowing by their expressions that once Eren is kicked out of the training corps, they're definitely going to follow suit. You realize now that Mikasa is gonna go wherever Eren goes, and Armin doesn't want to be without them. They'll have no problem leaving here, and forgetting that you existed in their lives. They'll have just moved on as if they never met you.

And you had to be fine with that thought. You didn't grow up with them, like they all did. Whatever it was that made the three of them so close? You didn't have it, and you never would. Apart of you wonders if Jean really is your best bet for friendship, but you don't think the two of you will end up going to the same Garrison for some reason. Apart of you just knows that Jean and you don't have the same future in mind, you're both too different now. You'll always cherish the fun memories you had with him as a kid, but the battlefield is where you belong. Not behind some stupid walls that might just fall one day. Your future rests in the betterment of humanity, finding answers and fixing problems. Not some corrupt plan to take advantage of the poor. That's how you see the military police, anyways. The only reason you see yourself joining them would be to fix the broken system that has been going on for years. Such deep corruption probably seeps as far as the cadet corps, there's a reason why only the top ten get to join. The ones trained best to fight titans are the ones who get the furthest away from them. Makes no sense in a system that would be positive, right? It wouldn't fly. 

"Wagner, change belts with Yeager." 

Your eyes widen, looking over at Mikasa and Armin who have the same expression. That's when you notice that Berthold and Reiner are standing next to you and Armin. You look over at them, and Reiner just gives you a smile before turning his attention back to Eren. _Why is he going out of his way to be so nice to me?_ You wonder to yourself.

Regardless, you're watching as Eren and Thomas switch belts. Wow, and that really seemed to be the problem, because next thing you know you're watching Eren use the gear correctly, and with ease. He's even bouncing a little bit. _How could I have doubted him?_ You think, eyes wide as you stare at his figure. He looks at you, as if thinking the same thing. He's got that look again, and boy does it feel refreshing to see. The Eren you were introduced to is back in business again. 

"Your equipment was defective. The fitting on your belt was damaged, I've never heard of this part getting damaged, I'll have to crack some skulls at maintenance checking." Shadis says, and that's when you glance at Mikasa who see's you look at her.

You noticed the look on her face, and you can't help but think that she had something to do with Erens' equipment failing due to how fast she wiped the look off once you noticed her. _Damn it,_ as if this helps building a friendship with her, you're totally screwed. Because now she knows you're suspicious of her. You wish you could take back the action of looking at her, but this is something you're not going to bring up to anyone. Not even Eren, because what if he just tells her? The last thing that you want to be doing is pitting the three of them against each other, what gives you the right? You're never going to tell anyone what you just witnessed. Nobody is going to ever know that this thought crossed your mind. This is something that you keep to yourself, forever. 

"So he managed to stay upright for a bit...even with a broken belt?!" You hear someone say, smirking at their astonishment in their voice. Of course Eren did, and you're glad he's finally getting that recognition. 

"Th-Then did I pass?" Eren asks, staying upright but now struggling just a little bit due to the long amount of time he's had to use it. He's got sweat building at the temples on his head, worried that he'll get no as an answer. 

"You're fine. Commence training." 

"I did it! I really did it!" He shouts, raising both fists in the air and looking directly upwards. 

Eren looks at both you and Mikasa, but then he focuses harder on the raven haired girl next to you. 

"He's looking at us, as if to say 'See!'" Armin says, You nod your head and smile, only for Mikasa to speak up.

"No... he's relieved because we won't have to be separated now." She says, without looking away. You, Armin, Berthold, and Reiner all look at her in a certain state of disbelief, as her soft voice went on. So she really does have some deeper bond with him, one that you don't think Armin could even get to. There's something else between Mikasa and Eren, it's much deeper than his bond with Armin. 

Part of you wants to understand it. But you know that your first priority is becoming a soldier. You cant get caught up in their lives, but at the same time you really desperately want them to be apart of yours. All three of them. What is this contradicting feeling? It almost...hurts? 

*

**Year 850 [2 years after enlistment]**

You're running in the rain, heavy backpack rustling on your spine. The weight is nothing to you, after all every other morning you get up and train with Mikasa before everyone else is awake. At first it was a struggle, but once the girl gave up on trying to fight off your incessant desire to be her friend, she finally let in. It started with her quietly doing things with you, just being in your company. And then it turned into fixing the way you did things wrong, telling you that you'd end up putting yourself in danger if you got used to doing things the wrong way. It was the same way she would interact with Armin when it came to training, so you guess you came to learn that Mikasa's way of showing people she cared for them was making sure that they stay safe. Makes a ton of sense, right? 

Over time, you did end up becoming important to the three of them. But, you were still lacking in the closeness that they originally had. You can't complain, though. You get it, you really do. Plus, it made up for the relationship that you lost with your mother. Over the time that passed, you grew upset with her. She wasn't the sweet and angelic woman who took you in anymore, she became angry and depressed. Every letter would start with insults, and they'd end in apologies for them. Your mother was truly losing it, she would beg and plead for you to come home but in the same breath call you a selfish brat and tell you that she hopes to never see you again.

She would straight up write to you that she doesn't care about what kind of dreams you have, and that all you should focus on is the safe life you were given instead. She would write in detail about how she missed you to the point you'd be crying in bed, body shaking with guilt. You couldn't even think of the woman without feeling nothing but misery, it was easier to keep her at a distance until this was over. Your father on the other hand, remained neutral. He even started writing letters to you himself, and those were the ones you enjoyed getting. It just hurts that your mother and you don't see eye to eye anymore. And you know there's never going to be a time where things are normal between the two of you again. The damage has been done, you already know how she truly feels about your decisions. When you were so worried about breaking her sweet little heart, it turns out that she was capable of stomping all over your own in the most painful ways possible. 

Mikasa, Armin and Eren weren't your only friends though, at this point. You became close with Reiner and Berthold, their kindness towards you started as weird but then it just became normal. They'd ask you questions _all the time_ , and they'd let you talk about _yourself_ as much as you wanted to. They just wanted to know _everything_ about you, too bad for them that there wasn't much to know. Connie was also a _legend,_ and one that you got to call a good friend along with Sasha. That girl was definitely crazy about food, but her instincts? Absolutely uncanny. you're certain that Sasha could hear titans from miles away if she was given the chance. That girl's a damn _hound_. 

Not to mention Marco, he's such a great shot with a rifle. He's the reason that you're so good with your aim now, the freckled boy one time spent weeks with you on the shooting range until you were just as good as a shot as he was. Not to mention that he was excellent at planning, not half bad at all. The only weird thing about your friendship with Marco, was Jean. No matter how much time passes, things seem to always be weird between the two of you. Your respect for Marco doesn't reach Jean at all, he got none of it from you. Even though he was excellent at ODM gear. You only see it as a waste of talent, knowing that he just wants to hide inside the most interior wall where it would probably never be used. 

Snapping out of your thoughts, big trees with thick bases surround you and the rest of your group, the sound of boots splashing in the muddy puddles and gear clattering is all you can hear. 

"You're too slow, run you laggards!" Commandant Keith Shadis shouts from besides you all as he rides besides on horseback. 

"What's wrong, Arlert? You're falling behind!" you hear him shout, fighting the urge to look back at your blonde friend. If you do, then you'll lose your focus. And number one priority is you, you need to become that soldier you've always dreamed of. But the guilt that grows in your chest at the idea of not helping your friend really tugs at you. Especially since you're so far ahead of everyone in a small group of other cadets who are preforming extremely well. 

"Feel free to remove your equipment, the titans can munch on you easier that way!" You hear him shout, grimacing. The idea of Armin being so slow that a titan could approach him gets under your skin, if this were a real situation you would have definitely slowed down to help him out. Grades don't matter on the real field, so you slow your pace. 

You watch Shadis speed up past you while your body slowly starts to leave the view of the ones up ahead, the ones in the lead. Jean turns around and looks at you while running, seeing you fade from his vision. He clenches his teeth, _why is she throwing away a good grade? She needs to rank in the top ten with me and Marco,_ he thinks to himself. He knows that at this point, you two don't see eye to eye anymore. But he doesn't care, all that really matters when it comes to you is that you rank in the top ten. He has a plan to confront you when you're obviously given the choice to chose to go the the military police. You're a great soldier, you've really lived up to the expectation that you set. Jean knows you're capable. And, he's got a specific argument that he knows you can't deny.

"Armin!" You whisper shout, running at his pace now. The blonde boy is panting, huffing and struggling to keep up. He looks at you with a shocked expression. "Y/n? What are you doing back here, weren't you in the lead with Jean?" He asks, you just give the boy a dull look, while someone else slows their pace down to the two of you as well.

"If this was a real mission, do you think I'd let you stay back like this?" You ask, raising an eyebrow. Armin returns a look to you, opening his mouth to talk between pants as sweat drips between his eyes and dips off the tip of his nose. "This isn't the battle field, though. This is graded! You're almost at the top of our class right now, why are you throwing that away?" He asks, barely able to speak as he's trying to just catch some damn _air_. 

"Because you're my friend, duh. If you fail then I guess I'm just gonna have to fail with you then, Arlert." Why the hell did you say that?! Your eyes dart directly in front of you, hoping that that's the kick in the gut he needs to pull himself together, because you can't exactly take your words back. You really regret it, you _know_ that you come first, you keep telling yourself this every single damn day. Every training exercise ends in you somehow putting your grades in jeopardy because someone you care about gets left behind or isn't doing as well as the others. It's a common trend that you and another cadet have developed. 

"Give me that." The voice of the form who had slowed their pace down behind you two came from nowhere, looking at the form as it snags Armin's equipment off his back and onto his own. It's Reiner, of course it's him! He's the other cadet who keeps dismissing their grade to help others. Its one of the things you've come to like about Reiner, and why you continued talking to him after that night two years ago at the table. You grin, although you understand that taking Armin's Equipment off his back wasn't the way to go about it. There's no way Armin wouldn't feel guilty from that helpful action. You know the boy well enough now to understand what makes him tick, and that right there? That was one of them. You watch in anticipation, seeing how the two will exchange words. You've really got hope for Armin to step it up, you've always been his number one supporter alongside Eren. You truly do believe that Armin is strong as hell, he's just gotta find that tough boy inside himself and bring it out. You know he's more than capable. 

"At this rate, we'll fail out!" Reiner says to both of you, holding both his own and Armin's backpack while Armin gets his moment to run normally without all the extra weight and keep his breath going at ease. Hearing Reiner mention failing out reminds you of those girls from two years ago, they had failed out of the corps way long ago. You remember how happy it felt watching them leave, and you got new bunkmates after that. Mina, Krista, and Ymir.

"Reiner...you're gonna lose points just like Y/n." Armin says, exhausted. His eyes look over both of you, worried beyond belief. You look away from Armin and stare forwards, adjusting your hands on the straps. Yeah, you've probably already lost multiple points just this week alone. All that training with Mikasa was paying off, last time you checked you were in 6th place right behind Eren. Though it's not final yet, obviously your rank can change at any given moment on any specific day. 6th place is never guaranteed, Jean ranks one below you in 7th, maybe he'll swipe up and steal it. 

"Just don't let them find out!" Reiner shouts back to Armin, amber eyes glimmering underneath the green hood that you all had in common. "And don't make me change my mind." He finished, you look at Reiner just as he looks over at your eyes. You know that Reiner is a helpful, big brother type of figure for everyone here. But lately whenever you stop back to help someone, Reiner stops back with you. It's like he was going out of his own personal way to make sure that you aren't the only person being helpful, you'd prefer that to the other option you've come up in your head. The other reason would be that you assume he's got a thing for you, and you just hope that isn't the case because man you really wouldn't be able to return those feelings, _sorry Reiner_. 

Feelings, you don't really have time for stuff like that. Being a soldier is the top priority. And you're glad you're not the only one who see's things like that, because some of these cadets sure seem to have forgotten why they signed on. You and Eren have made fun of those who seek out affection like that when you're in private with him, it honestly make no sense between the two of you why anyone would join an establishment like this and then _fall in love_ with someone you work with. Honestly, its crazy isn't it? You'd just be asking for a broken heart in the worst way possible. 

Even Jean has a stupid little crush on Mikasa, oh you'd beat the hell out of him if he ever tried anything on her. Not that she can't handle him herself, of course. But him having a thing for one of _your_ friends? Unspeakable. Not allowed. Never happening. the day you witness Jean make a move on your raven haired friend is the day he loses both his limbs. Can't have him getting in her way, she's literally so much stronger than you. It'd be a shame to watch all that talent get swept up by some dumbass boy like _Jean_ of all people. Plus, he's not good enough for her in your opinion. But, you don't really think that anybody would be good enough for someone as perfect as Mikasa. 

Feeling sick at the thought, your focus comes back again when you see Armin do exactly what you thought he was gonna do. If there's one thing that boy can't take, it's anyone doubting him, or putting themselves at risk for his benefit. 

"I will not slow everyone down, even if it kills me!" Armin goes off, running up to Reiner and snatching his backpack off the taller blondes back. You smirk in excitement, following up behind Armin and passing him. "Hell yeah, I knew you had it in you!" You shout to him as you pass him, giving the boy a wholesome smile. You see him smile at you before you continue heading forwards to the front again, trying to get your old spot next to Jean in the lead back. 

You end up running next to Eren, who's a couple yards behind Mikasa. Lately she's been pushing herself harder, you remember and instant in where Eren and Mikasa got into a fight, apparently that happens sometimes. He had shouted at her and told her to work hard for herself, and to stop underperforming just because Eren wasn't where she was at yet. That was a really scary night, you really didn't think anybody had the gall to yell at Mikasa like that, but Eren did. And watching it with Armin when it happened really made you uncomfortable at the time, the way he yelled at her just got under your skin in a way that made you wanna hit the boy. But at the end of the day, it turned out he had a point. Because ever since then? Mikasa has consistently been in spot number one. You watch as she speeds up, reaching Jean. 

"Hate that bastard." You mutter to Eren, now running at the exact same speed as him. your eyes are fixated on him, as if waiting for him to pull a move on her so you could end it right then and there. 

"Tell me about it." He replies, grunting while trying to push himself further. 

"You know what, Yeager? Maybe one day I _will_. But, you've gotta _beat_ me first." Using his last name during training exercises became something you just did, it felt more real for you that way. You give the boy a cocky grin as you run past him, tailing behind Mikasa.

"You're _on_!" He shouts back to you.

*

Now you're in the woods with everyone, the sunlight beams through the gaps in the tree branches. Laced up boots, tightened straps, the ODM gear sits heavy on your body as you swing through the trees. You tail behind Annie and Bertolt, watching them get kill after kill. They're pretty good at everything they do, you've noticed. Especially Annie, because in your head as a little secret you don't tell anyone, you kinda see the blonde girl as competition. It's not the same way you see Eren as competition, though. It's not fun or interesting.

Something about it just feels entirely too _raw_ and unprecedent. You always make sure that you're absolute best performances are when she's on the field with you. You're not as scared of her as you used to be, she's a strong candidate and you wanna push the boundaries to see how far you can go. You're nowhere near better than her, but everyday you get just a little closer. 

You find a titan training dummy that Annie has set her sights on, from behind her you shoot one of your hooks above her head and swing your body downwards from above her, slicing deep into the fake flesh of the dummy right in front of her. 

"Woohoo!" you shout, shooting your hooks in the other direction while sticking a tongue out at the girl. She doesn't even humor you with a response, just gives you that same cold look she always does. Obviously she doesn't see you the same way you see her. She's a rival to you, and to her? You're just annoying as hell **_as far as you know._** Almost makes her wish she missed the days where you were too scared to confront her to the point it was _weird_. She'd recall how you literally _shook_ if you had to stand too close to her. You'd resemble a scared dog who just heard something too loud. 

But not anymore. 

You're already on your way to another dummy titan, until a hook is shot at the tree right next to you, crossing your wires and sending you to the ground in a tangled mess. 

Your body rolls in pain, hitting one tree before landing finally. You're in a secluded part of the forest where nobody else is around, nobody but you and whoever the hell just shot their wires at you. You gasp for air as your back arches in pain, feeling all the wind knocked out of you really sucked. You're sure to have a bruise after this, one that lasts for a whole day even. You've come to learn that no matter how badly you get injured during training, somehow you just manage to heal faster. But to be fair, you've never had any serious injuries as of yet. 

"Why do you insist on doing these things, Y/n." It's Annie? She hardly acknowledges you when you've beat her in the past more than this, it was just a dummy this time. Why did she have to stop you when it came to _that?_ She intentionally went out of her way to drive you out into a part of the woods that nobody else was in, not even the Commandant. the two of you are completely and utterly alone, there's nobody here to record what happens for a grade or a write up. 

"Ouchh, how is that fair? If you wanna beat me you have to do it the right way, I won't have any of this _cheating_ crap." you say to her, watching her walk towards you body that lays on the dirt. Your voice is whiney and annoying to her, she watches your form as she steps closer to you until she's stepping over your body, both feet on either side of your ribcage while she stares at you downwards.

This is...threatening. It clicks in you that she's done this on purpose, now. You know she doesn't like you, but what is this supposed to mean? You stare up at her, eyes wide as hell while her blue ones only narrow down into your skull as if she could burn a hole right in the middle between your eyes. 

"If you yell nobody will be able to find us, I can promise you that." She says, tone completely changing from antagonizing to serious. You watch as fear starts to enter your heart while she raises a hand, blade clutched between her fingers. What the hell is she doing?! 

She's lowered the blade to the tip of your chin, tilting your head upwards to stare at her more clearly, Your h/c hair falls back out of your face as you look her over. There's really....nobody in sight, is there? Your heart starts to pound, and you feel the blade dig into your chin while blood starts to drip down your neck. _Oh god, oh fuck, why can't I move?!_

"A-Annie what are you doing?" You ask the blonde, feeling a small pool of blood start to build under the fabric of your shirt in the crevice between your collar bones, this is really starting to hurt. You can feel a burning sensation from the blade as it digs further into your chin, drawing out more blood as the seconds go by. You hiss out in pain, squinting your eyes but keeping them on her. 

"I'm testing a theory." She says to you, she's never spoken this much to you before, not at all. She usually keeps her answers when she talks to you one to two words short, the less time she spends around you the better off she feels. 

Steam starts to rise up out of the wound on your chin, and Annie gives you a smile that just _scares_ the _shit_ out of you. It's like you're being thrown back to that night two years ago when you first saw her, the steam covers her face as it rises in the air, she removes the blade off your chin. You've never seen her smile, ever. And you've definitely never seen someone smile like _this_. 

"Hm. I thought so." She says, watching as the wound starts to close at the base of the new sore. Your eyes widen in disbelief, watching the girl before you raise her blade in the air, holding it above her head once again. She strikes it downwards, you flinch and brace yourself for impact, expecting her to dig it into your face and end your life right here and now. Is this what's gonna happen?! Killed by one of your own comrades?! And why are you just sitting here, and taking it?! 

She slams the blade into the dirt inches away from your face, leaning downwards and using her other hand to hold your chin in her hands and force you to look her in the eyes. Your lips are centimeters from hers, feeling her warm breath on your cheeks as she opens her mouth to speak to you. she's digging her nails into your face way too hard, you can feel them scratching open the skin on your cheeks, causing water to well up in your eyes from the stinging sensation. 

"Stop these annoying games with me and maybe I'll keep your secret to myself, Y/n. We have a lot of talking to do after all of this is over." She says, stoically. Her voice doesn't match the expression on her face, she's got this weird smile that makes every bone in your body feel like its turned to liquid, and every drop of blood feel like it's hardened. 

"I..I.." You trail off, unable to even think of a response for the blonde girl hovering over you, she's got one knee placed between your legs and your damn face in her hands, with a blade drive into the ground right next to you! She has the complete upper hand here. 

Your heart is pumping harder than it ever could have, you watch the steam rise above her and then you realize where it's coming from.

It's coming from _you_.


	7. 7: The Growing of a Stronger Bond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fluff and fear

You stand around while everyone else is sparring with each other. Your hand doesn't leave your chin, _there's not a single wound on you_. How could that even be possible? It doesn't make sense, you know you heal from injuries fast but that was a _cut_ to your chin that she took to the middle of your throat. In the matter of hours, the whole thing healed up. You had to go to your dorm and change your shirt in a haste right afterword's, you couldn't let anyone see you with that much blood on you. It seriously looked like you bled enough to die, jesus. The whole front of your shirt ended up being stained in blood and sopping wet, this wasn't your average papercut. If you weren't able to heal like that, Annie's cut to your throat would have ended your life right there. She must have been pretty certain in whatever theory she had in herself to be able to do something like that to you. If she was so prepared to take a life if she was wrong. 

You watch Eren and Reiner from the distance, seeing Eren take things a little too far with the taller blonde and knock him down on his ass just a little harder than he had to. This is another training exercise, one of you has to pretend to be a bandit and the other has to pretend to stop the bandit.

You're really just standing in the middle of everyone, doing absolutely nothing but twiddling your fingers essentially. Everyone has a partner, though you don't see the point in this training exercise. Normally you'd be rushing to Erens' side to have a battle with him, seeing who can take the other down, or your next bet was Mikasa just to see if you could pick up a new trick from her. But you just feel extremely dull, and empty right now. Hours ago you thought your comrade was going to kill you in secret and hide your body in the woods, and she had every ability in her personal little arsenal to do so. Annie is such a capable person, probably one of the most here. 

You see Annie make her way across the dirt field, eyes widening in fear as she passes Reiner and Eren. They say something to her, making her stop in her tracks and face them. _No...not Eren_ , your thought is cut off when you realize just how many people are around you, she'd never do something like that in front of so many people.

"Y/n, what're you doing just standing there?" It's Jean, of all people why did he have to approach you today? You did notice the commandant staring at you, though. He was writing something down. Damn it, you weren't following the lesson and he just charted it down. Lately it really feels like you've been throwing your grade away. 

"I'm thinking of ways to beat your ass, Kirstein." You retort back to him, seeing him holding a wooden knife in his hand. "What is it any business what I'm doing to you?" You finish, removing your attention from Annie and delivering it on Jean. To be honest? This feels much better than staring at the blonde and fearing for your life. You'd seen Jean pretending to put in a real effort with the sparring attempts earlier, knowing damn well he doesn't care too much either.

"I don't know what I ever did to you to make you see me this way, but whatever it is I'm sorry." He starts, giving you a tired look. His amber yellow eyes don't falter one bit, and he anxiously moves the wooden knife between his hands. you scoff sharply, positioning your body in a position of defense. 

"If you win this fight against me I'll tell you. Does that sound fair?" You ask, raising an eyebrow at him. You really did need a distraction right now, you can't keep focusing on how scared you are of what Annie could do to you. This is something you're gonna tell Armin later, oh you're not even gonna wait. He needs to know about this, something isn't right. 

"Huh?" Jean starts, but before he gets a chance to inquire you, you're already swinging a leg to his gut and making contact with it. He grunts in pain, doubling over while you stand back and get ready to kick him again. You gave the boy absolutely no warning, maybe that wasn't fair. But the second kick that swings into his side, he grabs your ankle and yanks you towards him to stop it from making contact with his body. You let out a gasp as his hands find their way to your knees, and he pulls you directly against him, only for him to shove you to the ground and hover over you.

"I'm not going to fight you like this, I don't wanna accidentally hurt you or somethin'." He says, hands on his hips while he gives you a long look over. You scoff, swinging your left foot around your body and underneath him, sending him to the ground with you. Jean clutches the knife harder in his hands, he's the bandit. 

"I don't think that's possible, horseface!" You say to him while stealing Erens' insult, getting on top of his back and pulling your arms around his neck from behind. Were you just taking your feelings towards Annie out on Jean? You were squeezing kinda tight, the sound of Jean choking for air was evident the harder you squeezed. You didn't even realize his face was going blue, but a couple other cadets did.

Jean moves upwards, pulling your weight on his neck heavier only for him to slam his back into the ground, thus crushing you under him while he rolls to the side and breathes in for the smallest of moments before taking the wooden knife and shoving it at your chin, moving it downwards and placing the fake blade against your neck. He's got a knee between your legs, and a hand on the other side of your face.

The image of Annie doing the exact same thing with her _actual_ blade is replaced in your vision, causing you to freeze up and give Jean a look of absolute pure fear. His eyes go soft as he tosses the wooden knife away from him, he doesn't like the look you just gave him. But there's no way of him knowing that it wasn't for him. Still...he doesn't like it. This isn't normal, not from you. Why the hell do you keep looking at him like that?!

"Done yet? I just won. Can I get some answers finally?" He asks, extending a hand to you to help pull you up. You stare at it before you, narrowed eyes as the scared look slowly slips away from your features. You exhale through your nose sharply, you really thought you'd be able to win in a fight against Jean, but maybe now isn't your best moment. You're sure you could still annihilate him another day. 

"I didn't say I'd tell you now, but fair is fair." you reply, smacking his hand out of your face and getting up without his help. "I'll tell you when I feel like it." You say, getting up fully and looking around your area. Jean sighs, crossing his arms. The boy just gives you an annoyed look and throws his hands up.

"Why do I bother? You spend so much time with Eren, you're practically becoming him. Don't come crying to me when you realize he's only gonna get you killed bringing you into his stupid fantasy one day." He says to you, about ready to walk off. You open your mouth to say something, but Jean just shakes his head, as if saying he doesn't wanna hear it.

He's truly fed up with you. 

That's when you see both Reiner and Eren laying on the ground with their legs over their heads. Damn, Annie must have taught them a lesson. 

_We have a lot of talking to do after all this is over._

Annies words replay in your ears, watching as Mikasa made her way over to the blonde girl after seeing Eren on the floor like that. Ah, at least some things in life are still normal. 

*

"It can't be helped, before wall Maria fell, only the few in the survey corps needed to know how to use ODM gear, to save the knowledge base from incline." Armin is talking aloud, using his arms in expressions as he talks like he always does. You, Eren, Armin, and Mikasa are all sitting at the supper table in the mess hall.

"Yeah, and even then only a good handful of those people knew how to excel in them at the time. At least its more common now." You reply to Armin, always being apart of his conversations was what you were known for between the three of them. Mikasa and Eren would sometimes watch while you and Armin held debates between each other, and then you guys would ask them whose side you were on. They never knew how to answer, honestly. It's not that they wanted to chose a side, it's just half the time they didn't get what the hell you two were talking about. 

You hear Jean boasting about his skills from the distance, fighting the urge to roll your eyes, you just focus on Armin more. But one glance at Jean and you see him giving longing eyes to Mikasa _again_ , it makes your blood boil. The way he's looking at her with his chin in his hands, eyes half lidded with that stupid smile on his face. Last time you caught him doing this you chucked your tin of soup at him, you however only promised not to do it again because of the way Sasha cried in your arms at the waste of food. But to you, covering Jean in shitty chunky soup wasn't a waste. 

"He's fawning over Mikasa again." you mumble to Eren, who's already been looking at Jean this whole time. "I wish he'd just get the hint, hey can you pretend to be involved with Mikasa for like, a day? Maybe it'd get him off her tail." You suggest quietly, keeping Armin and Mikasa out of your little conversation with Eren.

"Huh? No that's- what the hell?! Mikasa is like a sister to me, Y/n!" He whisper shouts to you, causing you to laugh and chortle at the boy. "It's not like you guys are related by blood, right? Plus, if you don't then maybe I just will." You joke, only causing Eren to hit you on the side of the head softly with the back of his hand. 

"What are you two talking about?" Mikasa asks, giving you a look. Ah, she still does it to this day. You all might be closer friends now, but sometimes she still gives you that look that you've seen since day one. She wouldn't be Mikasa if she didn't. "Oh, nothing. We're just fighting over your love and affection, isn't that right Eren?" you ask, wrapping an arm over his shoulder and making direct eye contact with Jean. You say it loud enough for him to hear, so he rips his sights off Mikasa. _Gotcha, loser._ you think to yourself. Something about making Jean jealous really makes you feel a level of power and confidence you've never experienced before. Maybe it's because at one point the two of you were good friends, and all he's done since then is disappoint you. 

"But it's worth remembering, if you want to join the military police anyways!" You hear Jean shout, finishing whatever nonsense he was saying before hand. Not that you were paying attention, but Eren sure was. And not in the good cool way, either. You looked at the brunette next to you, he had that look on his face again where he's about to go get himself in trouble. You shoot Mikasa a look, cutting out the funny fake-flirty behavior and nudging your head in Erens' direction. She looks over at him, and then you again. She nods her head, as if thanking you for letting her know he's about to have another episode with Jean again. Somehow though, it's okay when you do it. She never intervenes when it's you getting down Jeans neck, usually though that would be Armin who yanks you away before a fight breaks out. And by fight, you mean decking Jean in the face knowing full well that he wouldn't hit you back.

"I hope I can get in..." Marco sighs in admiration, you watch the freckled boy sit next to Jean and sigh. Marco's gotta be the only one whose reasoning's you agree with for joining the Military Police. He's got his own little belief that the king is someone worth risking your life for protecting first hand, it's the one thing you don't agree with him on though. You've even heard him talk about ideas he has to fix the system. One night the two of you stayed up chatting about all the ways that the King could set new laws in to fix the underground, but it was highly unlikely any of those would happen until someone else came into power, though. Marco even admitted to you in private one time that maybe he doesn't wanna be around the king so much as he wants to rank up in the military police and fix how broken parts of it were while also being _close_ to the king. He's genuinely the only person you see supporting going to the most inner walls, for those reasons alone. Boy is a saint, what can you say? If anyone deserves the safety of those walls, it's definitely him. Because he's actually do something good about it.

"I can't imagine a greater honor than serving near the king." He says, eyes filled with bliss. You look away from Marco and back to your food. 

"Marco!" Jean smacks his friend on the back of the head, suddenly you and Eren are both transfixed on their interactions and whatever it is Jean has to say, while Mikasa and Armin start their own conversation now that you've lost focus in what Armin was saying about the gear. Mikasa however, keeps her eye on Eren every couple so minutes due to the warning you gave her. 

"Cut the noble act and tell the truth!" Jean starts, your eyes follow back over to Marco yet again, wondering if he'll tell Jean about those plans he told you on one of those practice nights you two had with the rifles. Then, you wonder if Jean even knows about that tiny plan Marco has. 

Marco see's you watching him carefully, and he gulps knowing that you're aware of all of it. Does he think Jean would react differently to him if he knew how he thought? That's...weird? Isn't it?

"You want to join the military police, because it's deep inside the walls, cushy and safe."

"No!" He retorts immediately, watching your face give him a soft smile. _You got it Marco, stand up to that jerk_. your thoughts stop while Marco continues talking, "I really think that.." He's cut off by the voice of Eren next to you, frowning at Erens' timing. If he had just waited a couple more seconds, maybe Marco would have gotten off his chest what he'd been needing to tell Jean. You understand it, the want and internalized feeling to make your goals clear. You shoot Marco a sorry look, and he just nods his head. It was worth the try, right?

"An easy life, deep inside the walls? Until five years ago, this was considered deep inside the walls." Eren says, lifting his mug to take a sip as Jean turns to face him.

"What's your point, Eren?" Jean asks, raising his voice. The candle before Eren flickers a little, while he slams his mug down on the table. With closed eyes and a soft expression, Eren continues his sentiments towards the taller brunette at the other table away from him,

"You don't need to go to the interior, I don't think your head will fit in the walls there." You stifle a giggle, not letting it escape past your lips. But it's obvious to everyone else in the room that what Eren just said really made you wanna point and laugh. Here lies another reason you get along so well with Eren, you both dislike the same person to the same extent, it makes things fun. 

You hear some laughter from Connie and Reiner, allowing yourself to let out a little laugh out now that you know everyone else is okay with it. Obviously you wouldn't bully someone like this, unless it were Jean of course. You're not one for making someone's life a living hell, but come onnnnn. This is Jean of all people. Once he grows some real genuine courage, you'll cut him some slack. Hell, maybe you'll even apologize to him. 

"You-" Jean starts, but Eren cuts him off.

"Don't you think it's strange? That we're training to fight titans, just for the top ten to end up the farthest away from them?" Eren states the point you were thinking earlier, you cross your arms sitting next to him and look around the room. 

Annie comes into frame, and suddenly every bit of confidence you had leaves your body. You're reminded that nothing here is normal anymore, and the sounds of Eren and Jean arguing fade out in the background as you and Annie have your own little staring contest. Except, she's sitting there with that same blank stare on her face, while you're across from her shitting bricks. You cant rip your eyes away, and she refuses to let her own ones leave yours. The look on your face is unmistakable for fear, the dark circles under your eyes become more prominent. You had really just forgot to tell Armin about what happened?! What the actual hell, and now that you've got the chance to she's staring you down as if threating you to dare tell a soul.

You really spent the rest of your day, without her on your mind because of the company Eren and the gang gave you. Up until the moment you saw her again.

You fail to pay attention to the fight that Eren has gotten himself into, not watching at all even as he steps up out of his seat and gets in Jeans face. All you can do is stare at _her_. 

Jean grabs Erens shirt, and Eren flips Jean into the ground. You don't see a single second of it, which is what causes Armin to notice what you're looking at, because of all the people to take enjoyment out of something like this, wouldn't it be you?

He turns around, and see's that it's Annie you're looking at with that fear in your eyes, completely frozen solid. She isn't looking at you anymore, though. So he rips his head back and grabs your hands, leaning across the table and rubbing your fingers between his. 

"Mikasa-" Armin's about to ask the girl to go settle the two boys down, while he works with you. But Mikasa is already up out of her seat and next to the two boys. He sighs in relief, eyes trailing back to you, who hasn't moved in moments. You're absolutely frozen solid. 

"Y/n, what's going on?" He asks softly, dragging a thumb over the back of your hand to try and do anything to get your attention. He knows this might look weird to other cadets, it wouldn't be the first time someone spreads a rumor about you and Armin being a little too close for comfort, but, at the end of the day the three of them have learned some stuff about you that nobody else knows.

They've all seen you at your worst, waking up screaming from a nightmare that they didn't understand since you'd never explain it to them. The way that you'd usually snap out of your daze was when one of them made some sort of physical contact with you. Eren was the one who did it the least, he could never do it as good as Armin and Mikasa did. There was always something in the way, he was simply just unable. It's not like he didn't try, though. Something about it just made him feel weird, or _confused_. He was really awkward about it, too. One time he just made things worse. 

Mikasa one time let you cry and scream into her lap while she ran her fingers over your hair. That was the worst they saw it ever get, though. And afterwards you'd always act like it never happened, and if anyone brought it up you'd just change the subject as fast as possible. At this point they knew better. It was just apart of being friends with you. They understood that you had some issues to work through, and they supported you through it regardless if you let them in on it or not. 

"Y/n, do you wanna leave the mess hall?" He asked, watching as you nodded without looking away from Annie. something was not right with you today, he's never seen you go catatonic like this out of absolutely nowhere. 

Eren continued yelling at Jean, while Armin took you out of the mess hall in silence and kept you out of everyone's eyesight. 

You followed behind Armin, dull empty eyes as he lead you out by hand. On the way out, the two of you saw Shadis on his way over there, probably from all the commotion.

What would Annie do if you told anyone? She almost killed you so easily, she could have. She had every opportunity to. What if she does this again? She said she has something to tell you, so you know one day she'll come for you like that again. If you tell Armin, you'll have to tell Eren and Mikasa. If Mikasa finds out, she might take it personally depending on how much she actually cares about you, you can never tell with her. You don't think she would, though. It's not like you're Eren, or Armin for that matter. 

You sit down on the cobble steps, away from everyone else with Armin. 

"Y/n...what's going on, I'm really worried about you, I'm sure the others would be too." He says softly, lowering himself to your height. He watches as you bring your knees to your chest and cover your ears with your hands, eyes still wide as hell. Despite how tough you are, the three of them know that under all of that is a soft, scared little girl who doesn't remember the first nine years of her life. They're fully aware of your full story, though you might not know most of Mikasa's. All you know is that she was adopted into the Yeager family a year before the wall fell, don't know why or how. Just that she was. But they know everything about you that you know, which again, isn't really a lot. The only thing that you keep to yourself is the details of those nightmares. That's your secret from them. You don't want it going around again like your first night here. You still, to this day, don't understand why you has such a violent reaction like that either.

"I...I don't think I know that yet." You say under your breath, clasping your hands tighter on your ears and squeezing your eyes shut tight. There's something about Annie that scares you in the same way your nightmares do. It's like she was a figment of your imagination that crawled out of hell to torment you, now. You no longer see her as the rival you did just a couple days ago, because now you wanna avoid her at all costs, stay away from her as long as possible. You've decided that whatever regiment she joins, you'll avoid it at all costs. Even if she choses the Scouts, there's no way you're gonna follow her especially outside the walls where she could kill you and dispose of the evidence that much easier. 

Armin sighs, wishing that he just knew what was going on in your brain. It's not long before Eren and Mikasa are joining you both outside in your little secluded place, walking closer to the two of you.

"I'm such a coward." you say to yourself, feeling tears finally fall out of your eyes. After all this time with your body threatening to cry these past few days, the tears finally escape. You almost died today, and none of your friends knew. 

And they couldn't know.

"That's a lie." Mikasa said, adjusting her red scarf. "I'm with Mikasa on this one, you've been real weird lately." Eren says, looking you over while he watch's Armin try his best to console you, but the tears just stream out like a river this time and the three of them are left to stand there in front of you. 

"I-I can't even talk about it, the nightmares, today, anything." You mumble softly, shutting your eyes while the three of them suddenly stare at you with a shocked look. "What happened today?" Eren asks, confused. He knows there was a moment in training today while you went missing from the group during the titan dummy training exercise. 

"Was it when we were using the ODM gear on the dummy titans?" He asks, your eyes shoot up at him and the expression he gets just gives him his answer. You fight back the urge to tell them everything about today, but you just don't feel safe to do so. The fact that they're already giving you this much selective attention already makes you feel guilty enough. How could you be a strong soldier if you're gonna sit and cry like this all the damn time?! Don't they ever get tired of babying you every time something happens in your life away from them? You're relying on them too goddamn much for your own comfort. This needs to end somewhere, you can't keep doing this to them. It's unfair to keep them in so much emotional stress. 

Eren walks past you and sits down, Mikasa following suit and sitting on the other side of you while Armin remains in front.

"I know we've never asked out of privacy, but I think it's time you talk about what happens in those weird dreams you have all the time." Eren says, looking upwards as the stars twinkle in the sky. There's not a single soul around any of you, if you're gonna tell them the full story on everything you remember, now's the time.

 _Stop being the center of attention all the damn time!_ Your voice shouts in your head, causing you to snap some sense into yourself. You think of anything, anything other than the truth. You need to tell them something, or else at this point they won't leave you alone with it, and it'll become a bigger deal than it already is. What else is bothering you right now, something that seems reasonable that isn't Annie or the woman with the syringe from your dreams.

Your mother. 

"It's just my mom." you say, pulling a piece of paper out of your pocket. Truthfully, you always kept one of her letters on you. You hand it over to Armin to read, watching him open it with ease and carefulness.

"I know it's wrong for me to be crying like this, I mean you guys all lost your family. I'm so sorry for being selfish like this, I just don't know what to do anymore with her. I understand that I should just be happy to still have her, but-" You say, hiding your face in your lap. Hiding it, so that they don't see the fact that you've got no expression to show on the topic. You can't seem to muster one up either. Armin reads the letter, frowning before looking back to you.

"Can I show this to Eren and Mikasa?" He asks, you nod while hiding your face as the two read over the things your mother said to you in the fine words she wrote down. 

"This is..."Mikasa mumbles, eyes widening just slightly while she goes over the words. Part of her can't help but think of Erens mom, reading about how the woman never wanted you to join the cadet corps and enlist in the military. Though, Erens mom was never this harsh towards him. 

After Eren is done giving it a once over, you feel his hand rest on top of yours.

"I want you to understand something, Y/n." Eren says, not looking at you. You take your head up, and look over at the boy, the same as his two best friends do. 

"From now on, I don't want you to second guess yourself like that ever again." He says, you look at him confused, and Armin chokes back protest to Eren. He can't just tell someone that? Armin understand that there's something deeper to you than the other two get, something about the way you think. Because he gets it too, he understand the anxiety and the dreadfulness more than anyone else here. He knows that there's something that just makes you like this naturally, and there's nothing wrong with it. 

"What..?" You ask, looking at him more intensely,

"I don't surround myself with cowards. It's an insult to me that you'd call yourself one." You sit there next to him, shocked. His hand pulls away and he stands back up, followed by Armin and Mikasa. Both boys extend their hands to you, helping you get up.

"If someone is giving you a hard time again, all you have to do is tell me." Mikasa says, but she isn't looking at you. It's like she isn't too comfortable making a statement like that to you, yet. But here she is, doing it anyways. She has her arms resting at her sides, but she still doesn't wanna give you her eye contact. You stare at her in disbelief. Did she just...offer to take care of someone for you in the same way that she'd do for Armin and Eren? Your heart skips several beats, unable to control the urge to lunge forward and hug the girl.

You hear her gasp in surprise as your body makes contact with hers, shoving your head in her shoulder and wrapping your arms around her torso. It's not long until Armin walks forward and wraps himself around both you girls, hand extended just to yank Eren into the massive hug. He says something under his breath, trying to get Armin to leave him alone and that he doesn't want any part in this massive weird hug, but yet he stands there with his arms wrapped around the three of you anyways once he gives into it.

In hindsight, this was probably one of the happiest moments of your life. And the these are the three people that gave it to you. You seriously never thought that this would happen, you never thought that they would let you in on their private little life like this. You can't help the tears that fall and seep into Mikasa's shoulder, feeling Armin's hand on the top of your head and Eren's hand around your waist. You have to choke back from sobbing into Mikasa's shoulder, it's bad enough you're soaking up her scarf. Oh, when was the last time she washed that thing? Best not to say something about it now. 

"H-Hey! Enough with the water works now!" Eren yells, pulling away, giving everyone in the massive hug an opportunity to get space. His face is flushed red, and he's kicking a rock out of annoyance as he heads on back without the three of you.

You've officially become important to the three of them in the way that you never thought you would. It's a kind of feeling you've never felt before. This, it really is one of the happier moments in your life. You decided in this moment, wherever the three of them go, you'll probably end up following them too. Your life now has more meaning than just being a soldier, now that you've found people who have the same goal in life as you.

In the end, two hundred and eighteen trainees graduated by the end of the time in the cadet corps. The whole year that passed, you never told Armin and the other two about what Annie did to you. There were times where you thought about it, but you never were able to get the words out. If you told them, you'd also have to tell them why she did it. How could you explain what she did? There's no way you could put it in words. It felt wrong to keep this secret from them, but really you did it out of fear. 


	8. 8: Night of the Graduation Ceremony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I may have messed up some details here, I forgot what was and wasn't cannon when I wrote this chapter

**[The night before graduation, outside the walls.]**

"I think it's her. The founding titan has to be her." Annie says, sitting on the log with Bertholtd and Reiner, "I checked it out back then, when I cut her neck it started to heal." She finishes, Reiner nods in understanding, pressing his hand to his chin. Bertholtd looks between his two comrades, scratching his scalp. 

"In the beginning of the first year, didn't someone say she was sleep talking that she had to _find_ the coordinate? I think there's more to it." He says, recalling three years ago on that day that's what caused their suspicion of you to begin with. Rumors went around to everyone that you were talking crazy things in your sleep, at first they were going to ignore it until someone said something that raised their suspicion.

Apparently, in your sleep you had said that your job was to find the coordinate and break something, among some other details. There was something about your mother hurting you, and there was something about the ocean. But those two didn't matter to them nearly as much as the fact that for some reason, you had said that you _needed_ to _find_ the coordinate. The coordinate is just another word for the founder, from their understanding. What you had to break? They don't know. And quite frankly, they don't exactly care. All they knew is that for some reason, it was your goal to find the coordinate and come as close to it as possible. The gritty details around it meant nothing. 

The very second day here, and the three of them got so lucky that a lead just happened to land in their lap? That's too much good luck. Nothing is ever that easy. They decided to wait until graduation to act on weather or not they were going to bring you back to Marley, if they brought back some random girl with no titan abilities they'd be in deep shit. 

"Yeah, she has a habit of sleep talking. Maybe she doesn't remember anything. I think there's still a possibility that she isn't the founder, there's no records of her existing here before we did. I think it's suspicious." Reiner adds on, watching the flames of the fire dance in the middle of the three of them. "The founding titan was here before we were. If Y/n wasn't here at the time, then there's no possible way that it's her. Which means we have two potential intelligent titans on Paradis that we need to take home. One being the founder, and the other is something we don't know about." He finishes his statement, sighing and looking over at the big walls in the distance. All this stuff is so...complex.

"If Y/n had the founding titan, don't you think she'd remember something by now though? It's been five years since we destroyed the wall. That's more than enough time for something to trigger one of her memories." Bertholtd questions, it really would be way too easy if this was the case. It makes too much sense, it's almost funny how easy this was. If you really were the founder, then all they have to do is get you in a position of weakness, turn into a titan, and then consume you. And considering the emotional mess that Annie has made you recently, it wouldn't be hard to get you in that emotional compromise to make you vulnerable to an attack. 

"We're wasting time debating if she is or isn't what we're looking for. Regardless, we need to take her back with us even if she isn't the founder. One way or another, she's a titan that much is clear." Annie is louder than before, cold eyes staring upwards at the two males before her in the dark, lit only by the light of the fire.

"There's also the Attack titan, that went missing-"

"Here's the plan. Perhaps Y/n isn't the founder, we still move on with our plan to attack tomorrow to draw whoever the founder is out while the scouts are out on their mission. One of us stays close by Y/n, or keeps an eye on her and makes sure that during the chaos a pure titan doesn't eat her." Reiner starts, explaining the new plan to the two before him.

"Best case scenario, the founder exposes who they are and Y/n isn't it. We take them both anyways, once we know who is who and what they are. Some other day we come back home victorious with more than we were asked of." Reiner finishes his plan, balling up his fist and smiling with a winners grin. "We don't do anything brash until we have confirmation who the founder is, and if it happens to be Y/n? Well then we just got lucky." The three sit in silence, watching the flames move and the wood crackle. 

Reiner was telling Annie what to do again. She looked at the ground, stick in hand as she drew patterns in the dirt. She wishes that it wasn't order after order, of course she'll still follow them without question. But the pain in her gut grew the more someone told her to do something like this. It wasn't the consequences of her actions that made her feel this way, it was the fact that she hadn't had a single say over her movements in the last five years. Reiner was always trying to be the leader that nobody asked for.

"Right." She says, watching the stars for a brief moment. They're more pretty than usual tonight, apart of her wonders if anyone else is looking up at the stars too. 

*

"Today, you trainee graduates will be given three options. You can join the Garrison, protecting the towns and reinforcing the walls. Or the Survey Corps, who risk their lives outside the walls for the betterment of humanity. Or the military police, who serve the king, protect the people, and protect internal order of the citizens. Of course, only the top ten students whose names were just announced can join the Military Police." You listen as you stand behind your friends, staring at them as they're lined up vertical to eachother. 

You ranked in 12th place, standing next to you was Ymir in 11th. You and her weren't that close, though you spent the last two years in her dorm with Krista and Mina. She just never showed any interest in you, and you were fine with that, honestly. Ymir seemed to be doing her own thing all the time.

Mikasa scored spot number one, obviously. You're not surprised by that little fact. You knew from the first time you saw her in action that she was gonna be the top of the class. Number two was Reiner, followed by Bertholtd, then Annie and after that was Eren. You keep your eyes peeled on Annie as she stands next to your friend, you swear that if she tries anything all of your calm and collective feelings go out the window. You had spent a year trying to get over your fear of her, and lately you think that it's finally starting to go away, or at least decrease into a normal rational thought. 

Jean was in 6th place, Marco in 7th. You're happy that Marco ranked so high, although you wished maybe he had gotten just a spot higher out of spite for Jean. But you know that boy deserves his spot just as much as everyone else, even if he was throwing it down the shitter in your personal opinion. You can't believe Jean really just wants to go be a MP just out of his own self preservation. 

8th place was Connie, followed by Sasha and then Krista. The top ten really seemed to reflect this years cadets, it was a strong group. There's a part of you that's a little sad you didn't make it as far as you wanted, wondering that if maybe you didn't go back for another cadets so many times, you would have ranked higher. 

It was a sacrifice that you deemed worth it, in the end.

*

Everyone is cheering, raising their glasses and drinking beer. You can't believe the higher ups really allowed you guys to drink this stuff tonight! And even better, Annie is nowhere for you to see. So you can relax and celebrate with your friends. 

You hear Sasha and Connie exclaim, clinking their drinks together and drowning their faces in them. They were saying they'd never go hungry again, and you're glad that the two of them get to feel that peace in their life knowing that they'll live like that. Your eyes wander the room, catching Jeans. He's been looking at you all night, mug in hand and a sour look on his face. You didn't make it into the top ten, which completely shattered his plan to approach you and try to convince you for your own safety that you have to join the MP's with him and Marco. It didn't matter to him that you two weren't on good terms, he'd rather have you hate him and be alive, as opposed to see him as a friend again but be dead. 

The look in his eyes is something you haven't seen in him before, and he doesn't even bother to look away in defeat when he see's you staring at him. You don't have it in you to be mean to him tonight, something is obviously hurting him. It's best you probably don't make it worse, for once. 

"Y/n." Mikasa gets in your head, causing you to snap all of your attention and thoughts back to reality. Your reality was with them, sitting at this table in celebration with your friends, hell at this point you were gonna start considering them family. You already started writing to your dad about the trio, mostly gushing about how you found someone just like you, in an attempt to prove that you weren't crazy for this desire to fight so goddamn hard for humanity. You'd also tell him about how smart Armin was, not to mention Mikasa's strength. Your dad wrote back the next week after you told him about them that someday he wanted to meet your friends, and that they were welcome over when you felt comfortable enough to face your mother again. In a way, he wanted you to bring them with you to make coming home easier. Luka, your father, wasn't gonna lie to himself. Everyday that he didn't see you was a day of his life that he felt was missing the source of his love. If coming home for the first time meant that you drag three other soldiers along with you? Well he guesses that it's just gonna have to be one big dinner party for everyone then. And your mother? Well, she'd have to get on board or jump ship.

"Hm?" You ask, raising your mug to your lips and taking a long, hard swallow. you were really trying to drink this stuff as fast as possible and as much as possible. It really made your head feel funny in a way that you liked. Your cheeks were flushed red, and your eyes were sleepy looking. And every time you moved, objects moved in the opposite direction! This was so much fun, no wonder your parents always hid their wine and beer from you whenever they got it on the rare occasion. 

"You're drinking that too fast. Please eat something." She says, looking away from you and back to her own cup. Mikasa has had some to drink too, it seems. It doesnt effect her the same way it effects everyone else, all you've been able to notice in terms of difference is the fact she's easier to talk to than normal, but she still looks away every time she expresses your importance somehow. 

"Anything you sayy~" you reply in a sing song tone, picking up a small loaf of bread and chewing on the end. It's so goddamn dry, though. You kind of hate eating it, but again it's what Mikasa asked and you remembering hearing a story about how after the walls fell, Eren refused to eat. What did she do? Jam a loaf of bread down his throat. You can just imagine the sight! A little Eren throwing a fit, being dramatic as usual, just for Mikasa to jump in and be the sense of reason with a brute amount of force. The thought makes you laugh, and Armin just gives you a soft smile. It's nice to see you so happy, especially after all that the four of you have been through. It's been over a month and a half since your last nightmare, that's the longest you've gone without one. Eren might not address it to you, but he's the most happy out of everyone that you don't struggle like that at night anymore. 

"Y/n I'm gonna cut you off if you don't stop being so weird." Eren says, rolling his eyes while he watches you attack the end of the loaf, holding it in two hands and ripping it in half like Sasha. He puts his hand in your hair and ruffles it, you simply swallow the bread you'd been chewing on and sigh.

"If it makes you feel any better," you say, sliding your mug across the table and landing it in Armins' possession, "You can do what you want with that, then." You say, giving the blonde a smile as you watch him lift up the mug and pour it under the table while you're looking directly at him. Your jaw drops to the floor, staring at Armin in disbelief. "Someone else could have enjoyed that, ya' know." You say to the blonde, who only holds back a laugh. You raise an eyebrow at your friend, as if questioning what he was going on about.

"Is now the best time to tell you that you backwashed all your food into the cup, or do you want to pretend I didn't just say that?" He asks, watching as Eren starts to laugh from your side. You feel your face go bright red from embarrassment, whining to Armin about how he could ever betray you like this and expose you to everyone. 

Eren is suddenly surrounded with other cadets who have just come to your table, everyone is curious to see where he's gonna go, especially Mikasa. You and Armin, however, all of the attention was placed on your two friends. You kinda just existed off in the sidelines with him over there. At some point, you did get a little overwhelmed by the amount of people coming to attack Eren with questions, so it was a safer bet to sit directly next to Armin. Surprised at the fact you could even walk right now, he makes room for you none the less.

You sit and watch everyone shower the two in questions on where they're going, listening to Eren respond every single time. "You seriously aren't joining the military police?" It's a question, one asked by Thomas. 

"Hey, Armin." you say, nudging the sober boy with your elbow, all without looking away from Eren. You watch his head turn to look at you in your peripheral vision, leaning forwards to see what you were looking at exactly. "Yeah?" He replies, putting his hands on the table and picking at a piece of wood that stuck out of the surface.

"Tell me why I've never noticed.." You trail off, narrowing your eyes. You don't know where that sentence was going as you stared down at Eren. Armin looks at where your eyes are pointed, and then he looks back at you, and then to Eren once more. 

"Noticed what?" He asks, watching as you turn your head away from Eren and look back at the table. Armin wonders where you're going with this, normally you're no stranger to speaking your thoughts, but tonight? That beer seems to have made you more comfortable with the deeper ones that you keep to yourself.

"Well-" you start, but you're quickly shut up by Thomas yelling in Eren's direction. 

"You'll never beat them!" 

Everyone is now turned to look at the two of them, your eyes widen in shock as you watch the event taking placed right before you. Thomas shuffles uncomfortably in his feet where he stands, opening his mouth to talk again now that all eyes are on him. 

"You do know how many, tens of thousands have been eaten, right? We lost over twenty percent of our population, and that just what we know for sure. Humans cannot defeat titans." The tone in the room drops to complete silence, and suddenly the idea of titans devouring your friends fills your head.

An image of Eren being eaten, Armin being crushed, and Mikasa being thrown. The fear that one day, you'll be alone. Because if something like that happened? You'd have to continue your life without them. You...you don't know what you'd do if something horrible like that happened to the three of them. If Eren died because of a titan, well...

You don't know what you'd do. The rational part of your brain isn't exactly thinking right now, and Armin can tell. He can see it in your eyes, the way they race between your three best friends. You fight the thoughts, and shove them down as far as you can. You still cant get the images of their corpses out of your head, though. You spent so much time having fun and making memories, that you almost forgot that the whole point of this was to go face death. 

"Scratch that thought, Armin." You whisper, eyes leaving Eren's figure and going back to your lap.

"So?" Eren chimes up, asking Thomas a real question. He doesn't give him time to answer, though. "If you think we can't win, you'll just give up? It's true that humanity has only suffered defeat until now. But, we didn't know anything about the titans back then. Fighting them head on is pointless, we did lose. You're forgetting that the information we gained only helps us for the next time! Will we abandon the tactics that cost tens of thousands of lives to develop, and let the titans eat us without a fight?!" He pauses, but his voice is so loud, and it booms through the mess hall. Ah, you've missed hearing one of Erens speeches. It's been a little while since the last time he went off about titans and humanity. Armin cant help but notice the way you're always so transfixed on every word that leaves Erens mouth. Its like he's watching a scene that nobody else has the context to.

"Hell no! I'm going to exterminate all the titans," You watch him ball his fist up in front of him, you stare at the boy in admiration. You didn't start out by wanting to kill all the titans, if anything you wanted to help out humanity in smaller ways at first. But over the years, Eren seems to have convinced you that outside the walls is where the battle that matters is. "I'll escape these cramped walls! That's my dream, humanity isn't finished yet." He finally exclaims, his face bunched up in anger and spite. He's angrier than usual, this time. Weird, you only saw him take about two sips of his drink. 

You stare at him in silence, seeming to be the only one in the room who fully gets and understand what his heart is going through. Armin and Mikasa understand, of course they do. But, they'd never understand it in the way that he does. Your the closest person who gets it like that. You watch as his eyes...are they watering? You focus more on him, but it's not for long because just like that, he's run off. 

"H-hey!" You shout, "Wait, Eren!" Armin says after you, taking off on foot at the same time Mikasa does. You stumble up out of your seat, and follow behind them. You can't run as fast right now, but your body does it's job and makes it way outside as you follow your two friends, who run after Eren,

By the time the three of you reach Eren, you see him wiping his eyes with red cheeks while he sits on some stairs. You watch Mikasa adjust her scarf as she walks up to the boy, placing a hand on his back before sitting next to him while Armin does so on the other side. You plant yourself next to the blonde, and watch the three.

"Eren...when you were talking about your dream," Armin pauses, Eren just sighs and opens his mouth to reply to his friend in a knowing tone. "Yeah, I got that from you. To live outside the walls, not inside like cattle." You watch him, one wrist resting on his knee which rests on a higher step than his other foot. You glance back at Mikasa, she's got her ankles crossed and she's twirling her thumbs around each other in her lap. 

"I'm joining the survey corps." Armin says, this statement causes Eren to choke out the air that was residing in his lungs. Your eyes dart to the boy, surprised. You thought he had the best written test scores? He'd make a great engineer, though. That's what you thought he was gonna do with his life, honestly. 

"You got the best written scores, you should use that to your advantage!" Eren replies, a bead of sweat dripping from his hairline. "I wont hold you back, even if it kills me." Armin states as his final piece, Mikasa opens her mouth and her voice fills the air pleasantly.

"I'm joining the survey corps, too." She says. "Hey, you're the valedictorian! You of all people actually deserve to go to the military police!" Eren shouts to her, eyes fixated on her face in shock. Mikasa clarifies that if Eren joins the military police, then so will she. She states that she'll go wherever he does. "You'll send yourself to an early grave without me by your side." She finishes her final statement, Eren looks away and grabs his head, seeing you in his vision to his left where Armin is sitting. 

"Y/n, don't tell me-" "You already know, Eren." You cut him off quickly, giving the boy a smile.

"I'm joining the survey corps too. I can't just let you three hog all of the fun, right?" 

And with that, the four of you had decided. It's off the the scouts, right? That night, the four of you spent more time looking up at the stars than you had spent talking. You'd share glances with your three friends, but mostly you'd pay attention to Eren for a little longer than the others.

_Why the hell do I feel like this? Maybe beer is not that good of a thing, after all._ You think to yourself, ignoring the thought you had almost told to Armin earlier. It didn't matter.

*

"Look, it's captain Levi!" You hear another cadet yell, you stand between Armin and Eren as you all watch the scouts on horses appear in your vision. This was gonna be your future, and wow is it damn cool. "They say he's as strong as an entire brigade!" Another voice pipes up, you watch in anticipation as each horse passes.

"They're totally different than five years ago." Eren says, you look in his direction and nod. "There are so many people who have high hopes for the scouts, now." He finishes, a redhead from behind him in a low ponytail pipes up.

"Everyone's cheered up, there haven't been any problems in five whole years." She starts, a tall boy with short dark hair adds onto her previous words, "They've even improved our fixed canons! Maybe the big titans won't come again." He exclaims, only for Eren to get heated up over the comments that the two of them made.

"You can't seriously believe that, just because you two stupid lovebirds have each other!" He shouts, moving his hands in fists as he talks, face going red from annoyance. Armin dejects, raising his hands peacefully and laughing softly. 

"You think that we're a couple?!" The redhead shouts, facing away and taking her attention away from Eren. "Sure looks like it, huh?" You laugh, putting an elbow on Erens' shoulder in agreement with him. War is no place for feelings like that, though you supposed sometimes it can't be helped when both parties are so desperate to avoid the reality of it's horrors. It's kind of pathetic, really. What happens when one of them dies, huh? How's that love gonna feel then?

"You're getting ahead of yourselves!" The tall boy shouts, covering his face with his sleeve. Oh, so now they were just making it obvious. 

Eren is fuming in his spot, he honestly can't believe how naïve those two are, and you stand there by his side in agreement without even knowing just how it looks to Armin. That boy really sees everything, doesn't he?

"Hey, you guys!" You hear an officer speak up, looking at the crest on his coat....it's a Garrison officer. You've never seen him before, he's tall with blonde hair, and matching stubble. He's got a hazy look in his eyes, and what seems like a permanent pink tone splashes across his cheeks. 

"Hannes!" Eren yells, you watch the smile form on his lips slowly and it makes you shake your arm off his shoulder. Something about being so close to him suddenly made you a little uncomfortable, so you kept your distance and went back to Mikasa and Armins' sides. They seemed happy to see this guy, too.

"I heard you all graduated yesterday, hard to believe you're the little kids that I remember." Hannes starts, until his eyes land on you standing between Mikasa and Armin, fixating in confusion. "And this is...?" He draws on, only for Armin to hold your wrist and raise your hand up with his.

"This is Y/n! She's from Trost, but we met her during training. She's a close friend of ours, Y/n this is Hannes." Armin explains, the name suddenly makes sense. Didn't they tell you about this guy? He saved Eren and Mikasa when they were all kids that day, right? You stare at the Garrison officer in astonishment, eyes wide with admiration. Suddenly, a memory hits you. One that you haven't remembered in years.

Eren is about to say something, but your voice interjects as you step closer to Hannes with wide, unknowing eyes.

"From Shinganshina- do you know a soldier named Adam? I don't know his last name, only his first, He's taller than you, had dark hair, and wore a clip in it." You're almost shouting at the man, with Armin's hand still on your wrist, in an attempt to pull you back almost.

You watch Hannes's eyes meet the floor. There's a look on his face that you didn't wanna see. _That was the soldier that saved my life, that day_. You just wanted to meet him, again. "I'm sorry for being rude, it just came across my mind for the first time in years. So..." You draw on, voice sounding a little more desperate this time. Eren puts his hand on your shoulder, sensing the air getting too tight for comfortability. The warmth it gives you is calming, but the reality is really starting to sink too far in. Mikasa notices this and narrows her eyes on the back of your head. 

"What a coincidence, you guys." Hannes says to the trio, looking past you. "You're that girl Adam sacrificed his life for that day, huh?" Hannes says, pulling something out of his pocket. Your eyes follow in fear, did he just say sacrifice? So... that man was dead? Right when you were able to remember details about him, you just find out that he's _dead_? 

Hannes places something in your hands, and then turns his attention back to Eren. 

"I'm still sorry. I wasn't able to save your mother." Hannes says to Eren, while your eyes fall in your hands to see a pocket watch. Was this Adams? You open it, staring at the engraving inside, the initials A.P on the interior clasp. He just...gave this to you? You look up at Hannes, confused eyes while he and Eren have some kind of conversation.

It's about Erens' mother, you chose now to close your mouth and be respectful. 

"It wasn't your fault, Hannes." You hear Eren say, after he had been shaken up for a moment hearing the first initial words come out of the blonde mans mouth. Hannes looks shocked, although Eren continues to speak. You look over at Mikasa, knowing that the story Eren is telling is just as much hers as it is his. You send the girl a soft look, slanted eyebrows that show concern. You mouth to her "Are you okay?" She simply nods her head in response. You just felt the need to give the other girl in your group a small check in, how she feels about things matters to you too. 

"We aren't ignorant anymore, I'll never let anything like that happen again. We're gonna defeat the titans." Eren says, although at the end of his statements it seems like he's overwhelmed himself talking about his mom, because the next thing you knew, he had taken off running again. 

You sigh, not this again. 

You look at the pocket watch in your hands, and then back up at Hannes again. Understanding, this really is the last piece of Adam that exists now. That soldier is the reason you made it out alive, whatever he did to save you, your life was the result of that.

All the lives you save in your future, well that's all thanks to Adam. 

"It was nice to meet you, Hannes. I hope to see you again sometime." You say nicely, following Mikasa and Armin after saying your goodbyes. They're definitely going after Eren. Why does he always gotta be so damn dramatic? 

You swear, somethings off, though. 


	9. 9: Battle of Trost Part 1

**[unknown location]**

Your eyes slowly flutter open, taking in the darkness. There's a dim light, in the shape of a line close to the floor. Though for some reason, you can only see out of one of them. You know that both your eyes are open, but vision only comes through the one on the left.

_Where am I?_

You try to get up and move, but your arms and legs feel trapped in a way that you can't feel. You feel sweat cover your body, making your clothes stick to your skin like wet paper.

_Wasn't I just with Eren and the others?_

The sound of loud footsteps can be heard outside, the faint noises of civilians screaming for help.

_Why is it so dark?_

You try to open your mouth, but metal and cotton between your teeth keep you from doing so.

_What's in my mouth?_

You try to wiggle your fingers, feeling the sensation in your head but not physically. Something is wrong. Something is horribly, extremely wrong. You try to kick your feet, you can feel yourself doing it inside your mind, knowing that your brain is sending the signals, but you can't actually feel anything. Your body is wrapped in rope, you can feel that much at least.

_Why am I tied up?_

You hear more sounds of screaming, a faint gunshot in the distance from what sounded like it was above you. You move your head against the floor, feeling something warm and sticky that smells like copper. It's leaking from your face.

_Is this blood? My blood?_

Your consciousness begins to fade again, unable to help the feeling as your eyes roll to the back of your head, the small compact space your body had been thrown into overheating from the steam your entire body was emitting. You didn't know where you were, the last thing you remember was trying to catch up to Mikasa, Armin and Eren. Next thing you know, you woke up here in this confined space. You can't recall if you _ever_ caught up to the three of them, all you know is that you were trying to _catch_ up to them.

You try to open your eyes again, adjusting to what very little light in the room there is. Focusing as hard as you can, trying to point out anything useful. There's not much, other than a pile of something close to the door that smells bad. You try to focus harder with your one good working eye right now, noticing that brown and white fabric around two long tube-ish shaped objects, and an off-white rougher looking fabric in the same shape but longer. Both were in pairs of two.

You can't make out what it is, squirming your body and grunting to get closer. It hurts to move, and you feel your hair stick to the floor and drag along with your body as you inch your way closer to the objects you're trying to look at. You've only got one functional eye right now, it seems. _But that doesn't make any sense?_

You're getting closer, realizing the light in the room that you see is actually from under a door at this point. Wiggling your body like a worm, you come close enough to realize what that pile is.

"MMMHPHHH!" You yell into whatever is being used to gag you, looking at the fingernails attached to fingers right in front of your face. You can't believe what you're seeing right now, those are your _limbs_. And they're not connected to your _body_. Hyperventilating, you can feel vomit start to bubble up in the back of your throat, unintentionally rolling on your back by accident. Eyes watering, tears running down them in pain as you choke on your bile, whimpering into the gag even more between choked gargles of mushroom soup and bread coming back up your esophagus. 

"MMMPHHH! MMMPHHH!" You try screaming out for help, but nothing comes out other than muffled groans that are silenced due to the cotton in your mouth. Whoever did this to you wanted to make sure you stayed quiet.

You feel your throw up start to come out of your nose, trying as hard as you can to rock your body to the side just to keep yourself alive. Are you really going to die in some cramped closet, with no limbs while you choke to death on your vomit? Is that what life had planned for you? 

You shake your body as hard as you could, slamming your head into the ground over and over again. Your face was starting to turn blue, feeling your stomach acid mixed with food start to fill your lungs. It was happening, this was actually happening. You were dying, with nobody around you to record how you passed. Nobody was going to know what happened to you. This familiar feeling of detrimental fear was once again taking over your body.

You move your hips upwards, slamming the back of your torso into the ground, unknowing that there was a nail on the floor pointed directly upwards at the base of your spine. 

_Live!_

You let out a pained shriek, eyes turning white and snapping open fully, electricity in the air crackling as the room lit up shades of green and yellow. You feel your hair on your body stand up straight, your back arching as your limbs began to force themselves to grow out of your joints starting with bones, followed by muscle tissue, then skin. The electricity in the air only intensified, the cramped space becoming even tighter, and tighter. Your teeth clamp down on the metal in your mouth, snapping it in half and breaking every tooth on the bottom half of your jaw in the process, blood filling your mouth and dripping down your sides as it leaks down your chin. You feel like everything is getting smaller-

Or where you getting bigger?

**Boom!**

* 

[ **2 hours before, HQ]**

"Out of the frying pan and into the fire! I have faith each of you will serve credit to your regiment!" 

Mikasa hears the voice shout in the room, she ignores it though. She's ran into HQ looking for Eren and Armin and you, so far she hasn't had any luck with any of it. The Colossal titan just broke through the wall and destroyed the gate, opening up Trost to the titans. She runs past Hannah and Franz, seeing the taller brunette with short hair placing his hands on the short redheads shoulders. He's telling her how he'll protect her, no matter what. 

"Armin, what's wrong?!" Mikasa stops at the sound of Eren's voice, eyes darting into the direction of the two boys. Armin is crouching down next to some gas canisters for the for the ODM gear, struggling to fit the two notches together that administer the air into the cylinders. 

"Don't worry- I'm fine." The boy says, voice shaking. He has a shadow cast over his eyes and every muscle in his body shakes aggressively. "Just give me a second for my nerves to settle, this is bad, isn't it?" Armin asks, trying not to panic. Eren squats down to his height, putting a hand on his shoulder. In doing the action, he thinks of you for a moment. Between the four of you, typically it's you and Armin that get the most worked up about things and need to be calmed down, now it was just Armin's turn.

"There's a hole in the wall eight meters wide and we have no way to plug it, that huge boulder near the front gate was our best bet, but we couldn't figure out how to hoist it in place!" Armin shouts, clinking the metal together no longer trying to make the pieces fit anymore. "U-Unless we seal the breach the entire city is as good as dead!" Armin shouts, jamming the metal pieces together more aggressively now. The sounds of cannons fire in the distance.

"How long do you think before they take wall rose? Seriously?! How long- _think about it_ , they could just wipe out the human race if they felt like it in just an afternoon-!"

"Armin!" Eren shouts, grabbing his friend by the wrist. His eyes widen, giant blue orbs shoot at the gas canister before them, freezing in his tracks. "Listen to me, stop focusing on the past and look ahead!" Eren starts, voice beaming at the boy with a grunt in his undertone, he's definitely stressed too.

Eren has sweat dripping down his temples, his hair sticks to his neck in places. "We're not gonna be the victims anymore!" He says, causing Armin to freeze completely to an all together half. No more shaking, no more whimpering and yelling. Armin just freezes, and deeply inhales before letting a long one back out. 

"Sorry I...I'm okay. Y/n, how are you holding up-" Armin turns to look at Mikasa for the first time expecting to see the h/c headed girl standing besides the raven haired on. But he doesn't. She isn't with Eren either. He knows that in a situation like this, you'd probably have a good head on your shoulders. But you're nowhere to be seen.

"Mikasa? Where's Y/n?" Eren asks, suddenly realizing that you were in fact missing from the place, "I thought she was with you." Mikasa says to Eren, Eren just looks to Armin and begins to talk again. "Well I thought she was with you." He says to his blonde friend, who had already stated that he thought you were with Mikasa.

All three of them thought that you were with the other one of them, unaware that you were actually with none of them this whole time. They had lost you on the streets of Trost right before the attack happened?!

"Shit."

*

"I want everyone to split into four squads as practiced! All squads are responsible for supply runs, message relay, and enemy combat under the command of the Garrison!" Armin has a hard time focusing, looking for your face in the crowd of cadets and trainees, so far no luck. Eren and Mikasa are doing the same too, but all of them are trying to retain information at the same time. It's tricky, searching for you while their whole world is falling apart. They can;t focus on one without forgetting about the other, only hoping that they can just put their faith in your abilities that you're kicking and screaming your way out of some situation wherever you're at. They know you're tough, but at this moment it's all they can really do about it. 

"-Rear guard will go to the elites! I expect you all to man your posts, the advanced team has been wiped out!" Everyone gasps, their eyes all looking up in the crowd. This can't all be happening, really? "That's right! The outer gate is history! titans are _in_ , this means the armored titan is likely to show up at any given point! If, and when he does, the inner gate will also be history!" Eren doesn't see any trace of your face in the crowds, peering his head around while avoiding making it obvious, yet he still take sin every command and sentence.

"Is this real..."

"Please be a dream..

"God, what if the bastards managed to bust through wall rose."

"Quiet! Those on the vanguard be ready! Your mission is a very simple one, defend the wall until the evacuation is done! Now, be aware that desertion is punishable by execution! If it comes to it, lay down your lives, dismissed!" 

Eren wonders if maybe there's a chance you're with Jean, it's not likely but it's possible. You both came from the same village, and the same street basically. If there's someone that you would go to first when it came down to your actual family, maybe he thinks it would be Jean considering how close his is to yours? 

*

"Why'd this have to happen now...just one more day and I'd be heading to the interior." Jean says, holding a hand over his head. Krista is near him, consoling a soldier who was throwing up, rubbing his back and asking if he was going to be alright. Jean watches with a look on his face, eyes shaking and wavering. There's no way he was this close to the comfy life he wanted, and then something like this happens. He grits his teeth together, grunting and storming off. 

Jean walks past two figures crouching down in hiding, holding their heads between their knees above their feet. He's staring downwards, listening to everyone say their personal prayers, some are going to the gods, some are saying it to the walls. Everyone has their own thing that makes refusing to believe this just a little harder.

Without paying attention, he walks directly into Eren, chest slamming right into Erens forehead. A look of pure rage crosses Jeans face, fighting the urge to throw the shorter boy into the ground. "Move it." He grunts, shove past Eren.

"Is Y/n with you-"

"Why the hell would she be with me? Isn't she always glued to _your_ side?" Jean barks back. The audacity Eren has to ask Jean where you are, as if he isn't partially the reason why you and Jean don't get along anymore. If anyone knows where you are, shouldn't it be that suicidal maniac?

"What the hell, what's wrong with you?!" Eren shouts, Jean only steps closer and gets in his face, the sunlight beating down into the side of his scalp, making his sweat drip more prominently. "We're all about to be titan chow, you expect me to be calm right now? This is probably exactly what you want, isn't it?!" Jean shouts in Erens face, spit planting on his cheeks as he reaches up and grabs the shorter boy by his shirt, lifting him up. Mikasa hears the commotion from the distance and rushes over.

"You little psycho, your whole life aspiration is to be eaten by a titan! I was one day shy of shipping off to the MP's!" Jean says, continuing to shout directly in Erens face, getting close by the second. Eren can feel his breath directly in his eyes, trying not to grimace too much while Jeans spit keeps splattering all over the place. In all the years he's known him, Jeans never blown up at him like this. Eren can see why, to be fair.

"Jean get ahold of yourse-" 

"NO, I don't happen to be suicidal-

"DAMNIT, SHUT UP FOR A SECOND." Eren rips Jeans hand off his shirt, going back to his ground level and slamming Jean into a stone pillar of the building cover they were standing over, removing Jeans face from the sunlight as Mikasa came closer into frame, now able to hear more clearly what the two boys were yelling about.

"We're trained for this, aren't we? WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LAST THREE YEARS WERE ABOUT?" Eren pauses, eyes fixated into Jeans. "We survived, we stared death in the face and we lived. Not everyone can say that, can they? Some people couldn't take it and either ran or were thrown out. Hell, some people actually died, but not us!" He yells, Jean's face changes drastically, his eyes wide and his mouth parted in dumbfoundness. 

"AM I RIGHT? We powered through, for three years, what's one more day? You can do this, Jean. The Military Police will still be there for you tomorrow." Everyone around was listening to Eren speak, though he had one more thing to add before letting go.

"Now I'm going to ask you again. Have you seen Y/n anywhere? Incase you haven't noticed, she's _missing_. Is there anywhere she might _go_?" Jean looks at Eren, confused.

"What do you mean she's missing?" Jean says, realizing that the two of them weren't looking for her simply just to see her, no they were looking for her because she was actually _missing_ missing. 

"I take it that means you don't know then." Mikasa says, looking at the ground. "I can't do this right now. We have a mission to do. I'll keep an eye out for you guys, though." It's the last thing Jean says to the two, telling himself that he isn't doing this for Eren, he's doing it for himself. If anyone's gonna find you, it's most likely going to be him.

There's no way you've gotten yourself into any real trouble, right? 

"Eren," Mikasa goes to the boy, now that Jean had left and Daz had followed suit after Jean had barked some order at him. Her gear makes heavy noises with her body, the clunking sounds moving as her legs did.

"If things take a turn for the worst, I want you to come find me, alright." She says, Stoic eyes as ever. Eren shales his head, "What? Are you serious? We're in completely different squads.-" "Look this is going to get ugly and when it does the plan goes out the window. Come and find me so I can _protect_ you." Her forehead is inches away from his, "Who the hell do you think you are?" Eren starts to go in on her, but someone from behind them gets in their conversation.

"Ackerman, you're with me. You've been assigned to the rear guard on special orders. Lets get moving." 

"But sir I'm a cadet, I'll only slow you down-" Eren slams his forehead into her own, knocking her back a good couple inches. She stands there, holding her head in her hands, Eren coming closer. 

"You've been given a direct order, I suggest you follow it, _pull yourself together!_ " Eren is beyond pissed, there's so much going on and now he has to deal with this too? He continues shouting at her, saying that this is bigger than the two of them, reminding her that humanity is on the verge of extinction and that she should have a little more perspective.

"Just promise me one thing...whatever happens, don't die out there." He ripped his hand away from her, giving her a look of disappointment before he walked away.

 _Of course I'm not going to die. Neither are you, Armin or Y/n._ Eren's thoughts are towards Mikasa, feeling insulted that she'd even say something like that.

"I hadn't planned on it." 

_No...I wont allow myself to die!_ Erens thoughts run through his head, making his way to his squad. This was the start of his first mission, with or without you or Mikasa. 


	10. 10: Battle of Trost part 2

**[2 hours after the initial break of Trost's gate]**

"Look at it this way, Armin." The boy can't help but worry, and maybe just a little too much. He wonders if he seems to be the only one who's taking your disappearance seriously. He had already reported you missing to the higher ups before he was sent out in battle, though he wasn't exactly the only one who had to report somebody gone. There was a big handful of active missing persons right now due to the chaos of the city, your name just happened to be at the very bottom of the list. 

"It's a golden opportunity, I mean if we prove our worth as soldiers right here? We'll rise up in the ranks in no time, completely avoiding rookie status." Eren doesn't face him, staring over the roof tops of Trost. Armin looks over where Erens eyes fall, it's just the city. He wasn't looking over at anything in particular, was he? There's something just a little off about the brunette, he's talking like his normal self, but there's something behind his eyes that seems just a little cracked. He wasn't showing it, but you were obviously on his mind.

Armin's hair moves in the wind, trying to process what Eren just said. The sky is blue today, barely any clouds in view other than the ones off in the far distance that threaten to make their way closer. He knows you would have loved this weather today. Going on their first mission like this without you just didn't feel right, especially after all that training you had all spent together. You wanted nothing more to be a soldier, and the first chance you get to show your skills, you're nowhere to be found. 

With a softening face, and kind eyes, Armin just gives Eren a soft smile. "Yeah, that sounds good." He has to focus right now, its going to do nobody any good if he's worrying about you like this, maybe that's why Eren isn't making such a big deal about things right now. The scales of reality tilt heavier in the favor of humanity needing the most attention, and he's sure that Mikasa is probably scouring the areas that the two of them can't get to. Convincing himself that by the time this mission is over, the four of you will be together again. He's just gotta make it through right now. That's all he can hope for.

"I'm with you all the way." He's got a victorious smile on his face, bright blue eyes shimmer in the sunlight before Eren. "Now, now boys." The sound of Mina Carolina's voice shoots between their figures, both of them turn to look at the black haired pigtailed girl. She's got a hand on her hip, standing before her other squad mates with a grin. "You're not the only ones in your class, so save some of the glory for the rest of us." Her voice is full and cheerful, "Good luck beating us to the punch a second time, Eren. No head starts for you this round." Thomas declares. 

"Oh is that a challenge?" Eren sounds excited, bringing ease to Armin. "Listen up, whoever kills the most titans gets bragging rights." They all stand on the red paneled roofs, speaking some morale into the air before they take off to start their mission. "Heh, you better not fudge your scores, then." 

"Squad 34, move out! The vanguard needs support!" A Garrison captain from the roof across from them yells, signaling Eren and Armin's team to move out. Everyone turns to look at Eren almost all at once, putting him in charge of the squad. Turns out Eren is the one who's gonna be captaining things from the start, isn't he? Armin's got faith in him.

"Right, give 'em hell!" The whole group cheers, running forward and advancing. They all jump from roof to roof, shooting their wires from ledge to ledge and flying their body across the open air. In the distance, Armin see's a building collapse in on it's self with what seemed to be no given warning. _What the hell was that?_ He can't exactly separate off and go look for himself, but he mentally notes to his thoughts what building it was and what was around it, so that if he got the chance to go look later he knew where to go. Something about that seemed really strange, there were no titans in that area and no military stationed in that part of Trost. 

He had seriously underestimated the amount of titans that had gotten in, this is just a nightmare. He knew it was bad but this? They're everywhere. They keep coming in through the breach, too. Nothing seems to be stopping them, not even the cannon fire outside the walls. "There's so many of them!" Mina shouts, speaking the thoughts that he had been trying to process as calmly as possible. "The vanguard has been completely overwhelmed." Thomas says, the group of them all swinging through the air together. "I don't believe this, those guys always talked so big!"

"We've got an abnormal!" Eren shouts, Armin shoots his wires to a building off to his left and dodges the interaction, landing on a roof while watching a titan come flying through the air with it's limbs outstretched. Grimacing in pain as he had slammed his shin into the roof material, Eren hangs off the gutter by his hand before him. They all watch as the abnormal titan hits a clock tower, slowly showing it's face to the group. When it does, it reveals Thomas hanging in his mouth, "O-Oh my god...pl-please help me." and in one solid swallow the boy is eaten alive.

"Eren, wait-!" Before he can get his friend to stop, he's already taken off towards the titan. Armin watches in disbelief, though his ears pick up on something sounding from the distance that seems to be getting closer. If Eren had just stopped and listened to what Armin was about to say, maybe the next events that happened wouldn't have taken place.

Staring towards that building that collapsed earlier, he noticed something weird about the ground around it. The dirt is raised, like something had dug it's way out from under the building. The raised dirt patterns in the ground weren't there before, something moved away from that area between the time Armin first noticed the building and now. There's a distant rumbling sound, it echoes from that specific area. He knows titans can't dig, _but what if they could?_ It would explain the ground looking like that. That's not possible though.

"You bastard!" Eren's voice booms through the houses, "I'm gonna _kill you_ for what you did to my friend!" He had already long unhooked himself from the roof Armin and the rest of his squad was at, taking charge on his own. Eren clearly wasn't thinking, and even worse everyone here viewed him as the squad leader, so they took off just like he did without direct and understanding orders. Eren had just _left_. 

"Wait, stay with the group!" Armin hears one of his team mates shout, but he takes off towards his friend knowing he has no other choice. Eren had just done a suicide charge without any planning or communicating, this wasn't going to end well, and if Armin didn't do something about it then it was going to end just the way he was fearing. 

Armin is trying to catch up, the shouts of Eren getting closer, he's yelling at the titan. "Good luck getting away!" Armin isn't even close to him, pushing his fingers harder on the triggers of his gear to release even more gas, trying his best to reach. The supply team should be of aid soon, so he isn't the most worried about how much gas he's using right now, but it is a concern.

Eren raises his blades to take a swing, Armin watches the scene play from the distance. A titan from below jumps upwards, chomping down on Erens leg and sends him flying into a roof, his body skidding to a stop several houses away. "EREN!" Armin shouts, staring at his friends body in the distance from another roof. Mina and Samuel are zipping through the air, a massive hand smacks the male down and makes a bloody mess out of his body. Mina can hear the way his bones crunch upon impact, gasping and losing her focus. Another titan pulls on one of her wires, slamming her body into the wall of a building before going to her body with it's ginormous hands.

Armin is watching all his squad members get destroyed.

His legs shake, boots heavier than he suddenly remembers them being. He drops to his knees, he feels so helpless. All he can do is listen to the sounds of his friends screaming for their lives, bones crunching, and blood gushing. Apart of him is suddenly glad that you aren't with all of them, because he honestly wouldn't know if you'd be one of the ones screaming and pleading for your life right now. Even Eren was taken out by a titan, he saw it happen before his own eyes, there was no mistaking it.

_Why...why, my friends are being devoured and all I can do is sit here and watch._ His eyes shake intensely, pupils the size of pin needles, stomping footsteps come their way towards him, in view is a gray haired bearded titan, picking him up by the back of his cadet jacket and hanging him over it's open mouth. Armin doesn't move a single muscle, staring downwards as he looks into the throat of what he thinks his final resting place is about to be.

The ground starts shaking, that rumbling noise from earlier is getting closer. He's unable to see the dirt being pushed up in a quick path behind him, but the sound bounces off his eardrums the same way that his heart pounds heavy in his chest. _What's wrong with me, why can't I move?_

He's dropped into the mouth of the titan, suddenly snapping out of it. He yells out, digging his nails into the tongue of the monster to slow himself down as much as he can, the slime from the saliva inside it's mouth covering his body and making it hard to have any grip or hold onto. 

A hand grabs his own, it's _Eren?!_ His face is covered in blood, his other arm was being pressed against the roof of the titans mouth with a blade sticking between it's front two teeth. He managed to get from the roof across from him, and perched himself between the jaws of the titan that had just tried to swallow him. Armin grunts, being thrown out of the mouth and landing heavily on the roof he was just on before the titan had tried to devour him.

Clay tile shatters under the weight of his body, Armin crawls himself to the edge of the roofs ledge and sticks his arm out. "Eren!" He shouts, reaching to grab hold of his best friend. He watches, Eren has one foot resting against the bottom teeth of the titan, his stump of a leg being pushed into the gross mouth. He had one hand hanging by his side, it's what Armin was reaching for. If Eren would just stretch his hand out, Armin would be able to grab it and pull him out, right?

"I refuse to die like this, _understand?_ " Eren mutters, voice more gruff than he's ever heard before. He's using every bit of power in his body to keep the jaws of the titan open, Armin can't do anything other than stare in shock at the willfull actions he's witnessing. 

"Armin, listen to me. We're still going to the outside world... _all of us_." Eren pauses, extending his hand out of the titans mouth, reaching for Armin's own hand. "The things you told me about, I have to see them...I have to." Eren finishes, wide teal eyes make direct view of Armin's own tear strained blue ones. 

"Eren _, NO!_ " Armin shouts, pushing his body as close as he can to the ledge in an attempt to make one last straw at grabbing his hand. Although, it's too late. The jaw of the titan snaps shut, sending Erens newly severed arm flying past Armin. 

A blood curdling scream fills the air, nothing could compare to the pain in that tone. Armin had just watched his closest, most important friend die right in front of him.

*

"Wake up, Armin! Hey?!" The sky is gray now. It's gotten a little darker, not by much. But it's enough to tell that some time has passed between the last time he was able to focus on what was going on. His blue eyes adjust to the sight in front of him, fuzzy at first. Connie has his hands on his shoulders, and he's yelling into his face to get him to pay attention to him. "Can you hear me? Come on!" More shaking, his vision becoming more clear by the second. "Snap out of it!"

"I need you to talk to me, say something!" He didn't know that Connie was about three void responses from smacking some sense into him, it wasn't necessary though seeing as Armin was able to regain all focus back now. His eyes seem to gain more or less of a dull color. 

"There you are. With me now? What's going on." Ymir, Krista, Connie, Jean, and Sasha were all on the roof with Armin, now. They had somehow found him and were able to meet up with him. "Where's your squad?" Connie asked, noticing how it was just him alone on the roof. 

"Squad?" Armin asks, trying to make an understanding of what's going on. Connie has a concerned look, one hand resting still on Armin's shoulder. "Alright then, let's get you on your feet. You shouldn't be out here alone," Connie pauses, a disgusted look on his face temporarily shadowing his features. "What the hell is this slimey stuff all over you?"

Every memory comes crashing back to Armin now. Starting with how you were lost at the beginning of the day, to watching his friends die, all the way until he gets to the part where he watched Eren get swallowed right before him.

Connie stands before him, shocked. Armin is screaming with his hands on either side of his head, making an anguished look on his face and slamming one of his fists into his temples. "You're worthless! Why cant you just die?!" Armin shouts to himself, squeezing his head between his hands and lowering it to the ground.

Connie has to grab the boy by his shoulders to keep him from slamming his skull into the roof, he's starting to lose it. Armin had been in a state of disassociation ever since he watched Eren die, so many things happened right in front of his eyesight that he simply didn't even notice after that due to the fact he wasn't in his own head anymore. It was until Connie yanked him out of it that he was himself again. Although, that came with the price of facing reality.

"H-Hey you need to pull yourself together," Connie starts, but Armin has started scream crying into the ground and shaking his head aggressively. Letting out pained wails, "Where is everyone, Armin?!"

"Let it go, Connie. He's it. The rest of them are dead." Ymir says, one foot elevated on the very tip of the roof with her head turned to face him. She isn't looking at him fully, but a side glance is what she sends his way. "Damn it, don't talk like that!" Connie shouts, causing Ymir to fully turn back to face him this time. 

"Take a look around you, isn't it obvious? We can't waste anymore time here with _him_. We gotta move on." Ymir declares sternly. If you were there to hear her talk about Armin like that, you would have already lunged yourself across the roof and started trying to pummel her regardless if she was able to fight you back and maybe beat the snot out of you. Dismissing his life like that was something that would have sent you over the edge, especially in the state that Armin was in currently. But you're _not_ there. 

"You're not making any sense, why would the titans ignore him?" Connie asks, confused as can be. "I dunno. Maybe they thought he was already a corpse, or something. When you get right down to it, that's the real tragedy here. Eren and the other's bust their asses, and the one left standing is Armin." Ymir says in final, it's clear Connie feels the same sentiment towards Armin as you would, given by his next reaction. 

"Alright, that does it _bitch_. I'm gonna shut your mouth up permanently!" He shouts, grabbing one of his blades and stepping towards the brunette freckled girl. She has her hair clasped up as usual, it moves in the wind as Krista runs in front of her to separate the two squabbling. 

"Both of you, stop it!" Krista shouts, extending her arms as if telling Connie that if he wants to get to Krista, he has to go through her. Ultimately, it makes sense the small blonde girl would do such an action. "Look, we're all at the end of our tether, okay? We're seeing our friends being killed like it's _nothing_. It's normal to be upset, angry, or even antagonistic in times like this!" Krista shouts, trying to defend all emotional spectrums of someone having a trauma response.

"Look at my Krista keeping the peace! After all this is over, you are _so_ gonna have to marry me for sure!" Ymir swings an arm over the petite girls shoulder, smiling with closed eyes and laughing. Armin remembers all those times you would joke like that about Mikasa, he knows you weren't being serious like Ymir probably was, but listening to it made his heart hurt. He'd do anything to hear you make a stupid joke like that again, even more so if it meant he got to watch Eren fight with you over it, exclaiming how weird you were. 

Connie mutters something, going back to focus on Armin. His extended hand is rejected, Armin declining the help. He gets up on his own and walks away, while the other cadets look over the edges of the roofs and notice something a little weird.

"Hey...are those titans?" Sasha asks, looking down. Everyone turns their attention to her, looking at what she's pointing at. It's like there are tunnels in the ground, all shaped in the form of curves, so they weren't digging downwards. Massive ditches hold a good couple titans in place, keeping them at bay. But they weren't digging? It was like they had fallen into the holes on accident. What could have caused those craters in the ground, and how did they not notice it until now?! There will still titans around them, but the ones in the craters would be easy to take out if they had the equipment for it. They were stuck in the ground, like it was a prison.

Annie and Reiner stand besides each other, wide eyes in shock and alarm as they see the sight.

"I thought you said you changed your mind and took care of her so she wouldn't get in the way." Annie says ever so quietly, pointing a blade to the path of raised dirt that goes between the houses. It's gotta be at least three meters wide in diameter, but the path seemed to go on throughout the whole city in weird patterns. _She knows what she's doing. This is intentional._

"I thought I did, too." 


	11. 11: Battle of Trost part 3

_"Come home to us someday, my sweet little Y/n."_

Large red muscle tissues extend from your face onto a mass of flesh in front of you, all connecting at the base of something you can't see. Everything around you is red and hot, sweat drenches your hair and rolls down your face. Every fiber in your body is telling you to keep pushing harder, moving your arms in a digging motion as you keep following your gut instincts.

_"You aren't a warrior, or a soldier. You're our Goliath."_

An unknown voice of a woman goes on in your head, something about her tone is very familiar in a maternal way. You can almost feel delicate womanly hands on your shoulders as you keep pushing your body to it's limits, not knowing where you are but following the natural animalistic signs that you're doing what you're supposed to be. It feels so natural, the way the dirt feels in your hands. You crush rocks and cobblestone between your long, sharp fingers. You're going directly upwards, a bright light slowly coming into your field of vision, replacing the shroud darkness. 

_"You're doing more than proving that us Eldians aren't devils, this is deeper than that. Once you start to remember us, you have to pretend that you don't. Please, it's for your own safety. You'll be alone on that island, the Warriors are not your allies. They won't know that you're the same as them."_

A pang of sadness floats behind your eyes, whoever this woman is she was obviously important to you during the years that you don't remember. You feel a warm embrace in the back of your mind every time her voice smoothly soothes you in the back of your brain.

" _Now go bring us the coordinate. You have to break the-"_

_*_

Armin took off, saying that he was going to rendezvous with the rear guard. 

_I was wrong, this world hasn't become hell, it's always been hell. I just couldn't see it before now, we're condemned. All of us have been since the beginning._ Armin thinks back to when he was a kid, how he'd get bullied and beat up by some other kids that lived in the neighborhood around him. He would often get beat down into a wall, the three boys would have fun in stomping and battering him as much as they could. They'd tease and taunt him for the books he read, they'd even go so far as to destroy them by ripping the pages out in front of him. 

_Strength preys on weakness. It's a very straight forward arrangement, actually. My friends they- they tried, they knew how the world worked._ A young Eren and Mikasa would run over and end Armin's torment every time they knew it was happening, Armin knows of several times when they were kids where he'd watch Eren clock someone in the face, and Mikasa throw a boy twice her size over her shoulder like it was nothing. _They were so strong for me, someone who only brought them down. In their eyes I was a victim, I needed protection._ Despite not growing up with you the same way he did with his other two friends, Armin recalled moments during his training years when you would go out of your way to keep him safe during the more dangerous acts of practice. 

One time his wires didn't shoot out of his gear due to it being faulty and jammed at one point. You had swung under him in a heartbeat as if you had been watching him the whole time and caught him in mid air, keeping his body from slamming into the ground below him. The way you had done such an action always made Armin confused. He didn't know why you guys ever bothered so much and so hard for him, all he felt was that he was something you guys had to protect. The countless events and instances of you going over his scratches and bruises after practice missions, one event you even stitched up his arm to save him from having to go from the infirmary because he was too ashamed to receive help after failing so bad. 

But all he wanted was to stand shoulder to shoulder with the other three of you. He didn't want you to go out of your way and risk your grades for him like you did, you threw away your shot at potentially joining the military police for him, and Armin knew that. If it weren't for him lacking in the training, and being the reason you went back so much, you would have graduated in the top ten ranks somewhere with Mikasa and Eren. He feels responsible for that. He didn't want Eren and Mikasa to save his ass every time in the same ways, either. He didn't need them to stick up for him every chance they got in the way that they did.

He wanted to be strong like you guys, he wanted to be worth something. 

Shooting a wire at a wall of a brick building, it doesn't penetrate into the material and bounces off. Armin's body is sent to the ground after he slams into the surface, holding his shin in pain. He pulls his knees to his chest, leaning his head against the wall that just failed him. Tears cascade down his pale face, _This is how it all ends, isnt it? I'm going to die here like this. Eren tried to protect me, and-_

His thoughts are cut short when he hears panting behind him, turning his head to the source of the desperate sounds. It's Hannah, the girl from before. She's the one that you and Eren would give a hard time over her obvious relationship with Franz. He watches the redhead push her hands into her lovers chest, trying to do CPR.

For a moment, the false imaginary image of you hovering over Eren's body instead of Hannah and Franz is in his eyes. He see's you trying to give Eren CPR, begging and pleading that he just wake up. He knows you would. _Oh god, if Y/n isn't dead, she doesn't know that Eren is._ Armin's thoughts are scary, you're one thing, but Mikasa? The both of you combined reacting to Eren's death isn't something he wants to think about right now. He thinks that the two girls would grow to hate him, wishing that he died instead of Eren. Obviously that thought was wrong, but he wouldn't know that.

He see's the way you look at Eren when you think nobody is watching. _She can lie to herself and everybody else as much as she wanted to_ , he thought. All those times you and Eren would make fun of any couple who got together in the three years of training, Armin had begun to understand it was a projection of the way you really feel. And today is exactly why you said the things you did. An event like this, taking someone you care about away? He knew that you did it because you were smart enough to get it through your head the one day you might not come home off the battle field, or vice versa. There was no time in a reality like this for such a _stupid_ , trivial thing like love. Humanity had to come first. Build a world where people _can_ love each other like that, in the meantime _forget_ that the whole concept even exists. War is no place for romantic feelings.

He gets up, and walks to Hannah. she seems to grow more desperate by the second, trying to get Franz to wake up. Once Armin get's closer, he see's it. Everything below Franz's waist is ten feet away from upper half of his body, entrails spilling out and barely connecting the two halves together. Hannah kept doing CPR as if she didn't see her lover was in no shape for something like her attempts to work. His body had been severed almost clean in half.

"Hannah...What are you trying to do?" Armin asks, voice dull and quiet. "Oh god, Armin! Help me, please! Franz quit breathing and I can't wake him up!" Armin's blood ran cold, he knows that she can see how effortless this is. He knows that she can tell he isn't going to wake up, so why does she keep trying to hard as if she thinks he will? 

"He won't respond to CPR! Come on baby, you got this! Stay with m-me!" Hannah cries into the sky, pushing her hands down on his chest again and again, as much as she can. "Somebody, help us!" She screams, tears cascading down her face as Armin lifts his hand to his head, palm covering his forehead between his eyes and fingers digging their way through his golden hair against his scalp. He tightens the knuckles of his fingers, slowly pulling at the roots and gripping it until he feels hot white pain reach his neck. 

"Hannah please, it's not safe on the ground we have to get you on a roof top." He says, digging his hand harder into his face. Armin is really trying to keep it all together, he can feel himself falling apart seam by seam with every traumatic thing he witnesses. "NO! I'm not leaving him like this!" She screams at Armin, refusing to look at him.

"Hannah...you don't understand, Franz isn't waking back up again." _And neither is Eren_. "Please stop, please stop doing that...I-I can't watch." Armin looks away, he keeps imaging you and Eren instead of Hannah and Franz. His brain is so painful, why does it keep making him think of his friends like this? It's like he's trying to make himself feel worse. He doesn't understand why he's reacting to his newfound trauma like this. 

*

Mikasa slices through the nape of a titans neck, steam dancing around her body as she slays titan, after titan, after titan. The girl is a pure killing machine, everything Eren aspired to be. The blood of the monsters lands on her body, and face. It only evaporates into the air like the rest of them. _The world is a cruel place._ Her thoughts reign in her mind. _If you want to live, you have to fight. It's the only way to win._

"That's it, we're done. Now scale the wall." The garrison captain said to her, though she had other ideas in mind. She didn't care about the way Eren yelled at her back before she was sent out with the elites, she was going to go stay by his side. She made Carla Yeager a promise the day she died, she was going to protect the woman's son and keep him safe to her best abilities. In addition to that, she wanted to know if Armin and Eren had found you yet, she wanted to make sure that the three of you were all okay. She couldn't lose anymore family than she already had. Her mother, her father, Carla, and Grisha. She couldn't handle it if she lost anyone else.

"I should go help the vanguard withdraw, Sir!" She says, turning on her heel and shooting her hooks off away before her temporary captain has a chance to detest against her. "Ackermann, wait!" He shouts, to no dismay as Mikasa has already sent her body into the air. Her thoughts are the only thing that keeps her company as she soars her way to where she assumes Armin and Eren are.

_It's a cruel world, but I have a place in it. Eren...as long as you're in my life, I can fight to the bitter end._


	12. 12: The Revelation

In the span of two hours, the evacuation of the entire populist was complete. No civilians fell prey to the wrath of the titans, however the same can't be said for the countless soldiers who perished, buying the people time. 

Mikasa shoots her wires at a building, having made her way across the city finally. Her sharp gray eyes scan the area, witnessing countless soldiers in capes and without capes just standing on rooftops. The soft rain patterns down on her dark hair, causing the lone strand between her eyes to stick to her forehead. _Why isn't anyone going over the wall? They must have heard the withdraw signal._ Her thoughts are stopped short with a gasp as she jolts her head over to HQ, seeing nothing but a mass of titans climbing all over the large building that erupted out of the ground almost royally. She looks in the distance again, and see's a group of cadets more familiar to her, it's Annie, Reiner, Bertholtd and Marco. She sets her sights and heads off in their direction.

*

"Hey, Jean! What are we gonna do?!" Connie shouts in desperate worry to the boy who is sitting with his head hanging between his knees. The sight is one full of defeat, really. The rain pelts the back of his head, making his hair stick straight downwards. "We can't _do_ anything." He pauses, bringing up a strong yet faltering weak arm, holding his head in his hands as his elbow rests against his knee. "We finally got the order to withdraw, and we're all out of gas of course." He says, eyes carrying a dark shroud of sinking reality. "I can't believe this is how it's gonna end, because of those disgusting cowards. Even worse, there's a damn abnormal trying to snuff us out." Jean finishes, looking to the burrows around them. Sasha had pointed out the weird patterns on the ground. Though it seemed helpful that whatever the titan was doing happened to trap some of the regular brain dead ones. But the thought of it randomly showing it's ugly face and turning it's attention to them was something Jean kept playing on loop in his mind. They'd never seen a titan dig before, it was either an abnormal or something _worse,_ like that day five years ago. If the titans learned how to dig, then humanity was done for. What's going to stop one from digging all the way to the interior? They wouldn't even know what hit them before it was too late if that was the case. For all they knew, that's what that titan was doing. They hadn't seen it submerge out of the ground yet, the lack of understanding really kept them all on edge. 

It almost made him think of a cat that would play with a rodent, treating it's food more like a toy than a meal. They weren't only surrounded, but they were stuck. No gas, no hope, only fear. 

"Don't think about that right now." Connie says, clenching his jaw. He was aggressively trying to ignore that fact, too. They all were. "But, did you mean the supply depo? What is going on? Where are they?" He exclaims while throwing both his hands out to the sides, his gear rattling on his small hips and frame. "They all lost their will to fight. I can understand why, but they abandoned their duty to supply us, while they barricaded themselves inside HQ. Titans have swarmed the place, which means we can't just get the gas ourselves." Jean says, tone dark and empty.

"Then why are we waiting?! We gotta go, start thinning their numbers so we have a chance! I swear, if Y/n was here right now she'd beat the snot out of you for talking like that." Connie says, voice loud and furious. You had grown so close to your peers over the last three years that at this point, everyone knew you well enough to understand that if you were here right now, you'd be the last person sitting and sulking in self pity. You would have probably said some speech in a way that Eren does, but with a more reasonable tone to it. Hell, you'd probably call everyone who refused to listen to you a brainless coward. "But she's not." Jean mumbles, only for Connie to interject again.

"Sitting here on this roof is totally pointless. Eventually the titans are gonna come for us. We don't have much gas left, we'll just waste what little we got if we try to run away. And without our mobility," He pauses while taking a closed fist and slamming it against a tank to his right thigh. "We're completely screwed!" He shouts.

"You're using your head for once, Connie. Nice going, but I'm just not sure if we got the number needed to pull off a suicide mission like that. The veterans in the vanguard force have all been wiped out. How exactly do a bunch of rookies do a life or death charge like that? I mean...let's assume half of our force even survives the initial result, then what?" He says, wondering what it's actually like inside HQ. If they get off these roofs, sure that's one thing. But what would be waiting for them over there? 

"The supply room is probably crawling with titans or the three or four meter range. I don't see us accomplishing much in there." He thinks back to what Connie said about you beating the hell out of him if you heard him talking like this. Maybe you would, or maybe you wouldn't. Jean can't know, because you aren't here. You haven't been here since the beginning. It's starting to become more suspicious than it is worrisome. You're most likely dead, but how? And when did it happen? Jean thinks it's going to be a mystery that never gets uncovered. There's too much destruction to make sense of anything anymore. 

Connie sucks in air between his teeth, hissing an inhale until a dry exhale sounds past his chapped lips. "It's hopeless." Jean sighs, with closed eyes. "God, what a dull life this turned out to be. I never even got to tell her just how I feel." He mumbles to himself, thinking of Mikasa in this moment. Eren was dead, you were missing, Mikasa was probably dead, and he was most likely going to die. Everything just seemed to falter on....well, hopelessness. 

"Come on guys, we can do it! That one titan has trapped so many three to four meter ones, right?! Let's go! It's not like they can get us if we get close to them, we just have to worry about the ones that aren't stuck! If we all work together, we can make this happen, I know we can! Alright, I'll even take the lead!" Sasha shouts from another rooftop, it's to no avail though. One cadet has blood splashed on his face from a former friend, another sitting against a chimney with glossed over eyes. Sasha tries her best to smile, but it falters when she glances and see's that Armin had come around again. She hadn't noticed the blonde come up to the roof when he did, as if he appeared out of thin air in her vision. How long was he sulking there for? He had been so quiet that nobody seemed to notice he was here again. 

The long haired brunette makes her way over to him, hair in a ponytail bouncing with her head. "Armin, it's time to go!" She says in a hurry, but her face falls when she sees his. He's got this dead look in his eyes, expression cracked. It's not that he's smiling, but there's something off putting about the face he's making to no one in particular. He doesn't answer, he doesn't even look at her. If she could knock on his skull like it were a wall, she's sure that nobody would come to the door right now. It's obvious, Armin wasn't himself right now. 

She sighs.

Off a little ways from her, Annie stands next to her comrades and opens her mouth to talk.

"Reiner, do we move out?" She asks, eyes like daggers. She doesn't turn her head to look at him, showing no real interest in putting effort into the way she speaks, but her blue orbs give him a side glance. "Not yet, we have to let them gather up first." Reiner says, while Marco to his left opens up his mouth to speak. 

"It's not use. there's too many of them. I don't think any of us are going to survive this. I've come to accept my pending demise. I just...wanted my death to mean something, I guess." Marco says as his voice falters, the trio besides the freckled-faced boy look to him off the side of their peripheral vision. 

"Mikasa?! Weren't you in the rear guard?" A random cadet shouts, a few heads turn as the sound of clay tile slams behind them with gear rattling. There she is, the 104th training corps' strongest soldier. "Annie!" She shouts, startling the blonde out of her deep thoughts, her head turning to the commotion. 

_Mikasa?! She's alive!_ Jean thinks to himself in the distance, seeing the girl he had grown feelings for over the last three years run to Annie. For a moment, he wants to run up to her and bombard her with so many questions, but the look over her face stops him.

"I know how bad things have gotten. This is a selfish question, putting personal matters in the forefront," She pauses, all four cadets turned their face to look at the startled raven haired girl. They'd normally seen her so cool, calm and collected. The sight before them isn't the same Mikasa they've known for the last three years. She's covered head to toe in water from the rain that pelted earlier. Her clothes stick to her skin, sweat berating her hairline. 

"But have you seen Eren's squad?" She asks, assuming that you'll be with him and Armin at this point if they had any luck in somehow tracking you down. "Some squads made it back," She looks away. "But I don't know about Erens." She finally lets out, calmly. Reiner from her side juts a thumb in the direction he witnessed Sasha going earlier. "They found Armin, he's over there." Mikasa breathes heavily, looking at her blonde friend sitting against a chimney in the distance. 

"Armin!" She calls out, a sense or urgency carries her voice through the wind. This seems to get Armin out of his trance, a volt of fear rising up every inch of his spine and reaching the back of his throat. He could vomit right now, if there was any food in his stomach.

_Mikasa! I can't...How do I tell her what happened to Eren?! I survived, that means nothing. I'm so useless! I wish... I had died with him instead._

Unknowing to the thoughts that plague his mind, she knees down before him and softens her voice to the boy she called one of her closest friends. "Armin, are you okay? You're not hurt, are you?" She asks before anything else, eyes scanning every inch of his body that she could view. She needed to know that he was fine, first. 

His head moves downwards, biting the inside of his cheek painfully. Mikasa lets out a soft gasp, eyes slowly widening as she starts to put two and two together, but she refuses to acknowledge it until Armin confirms it to her. She stands up again, this time her eyes scanning the area more frantically. "Where's Eren? Have you found Y/n?" a single tear slides down Armin's face in hiding from Mikasa own features. "Armin?" She asks again., only for the boy to whip his head up at her, revealing the expression he carried so heavily. She lets out another short gasp.

"They were...the cadets of squad 34...Thomas Wagner Mina Caroline," His voice shakes as tears fall into his lap, hands clutching the leather straps over his thighs. "Eren Yeager...these brave soldiers upheld their duties. They died valiantly in the field of battle!" Everyone around them drops their facial expressions, almost shocked. Some understood that Eren probably died, but hearing Armin confirm it hit an urgent sense of reality to them. 

"Please...no." Sasha says quietly, almost to herself. "His whole squad was wiped out? The same will happen to us if we try to act like hero's..." Another voice says, a little more loud for everyone to hear. It's like he was unintentionally placing doubt in everyone around him. 

"I-I'm so s-sorry Mikasa. It-it should have been me that died, not Eren. F-For all we know...Y/n is gone too. I couldn't do a thing!" He shouts the last part up to her, mumbling everything else only for her to hear. "I'm worthless.." He mutters, the tears fall past his chin, some into his mouth. The salty taste is the only thing he's had in hours. Mikasa slowly gets to his level again, placing a calloused hand to the back of his. Her palms are cold, freezing actually. 

The ground rumbles below them, causing the building to shake. Whatever that one weird titan they hadn't seen was doing earlier, it must have circled back. They listen intently as the shaking suddenly stops. It seemed to have settled itself down right underneath them. Out of everyone's eyesight, Annie, Reiner and Bertolt all look to one another in hidden concealed panic.

Nobody else knows what that titan _really_ is, other than _them_. "We need to get off this roof, _quickly._ " Reiner says quietly, not allowing anyone else to hear. The three of them don't understand why _**you** _have chosen to stay in a silent hiding under them all. Nobody else knows that _**you're** _inside that thing they're all so unsure of. Fuck, they still don't even know what you are, really. 

"Armin." She says his name, making him look up to her. His round, fear riddled blue eyes meet up with her sudden sharp cold ones. "Calm yourself. We haven't got time for you to be emotional right now." Referring to the rumbling that suddenly went quiet in an alarming way, among other things. "On your feet." She demands, holding his hand gently yet pulling him up with her own body against his will. 

"Marco. If we eliminate or bypass the titans around HQ, we can then refuel our gear. Allowing us to get back over the wall. Is that assessment correct?" She asks, though it sounds more like an order. Armin watches, seeing the difference in Mikasa and Eren take charge was astounding. Eren hadn't even communicated his plans once during the time he was acting as a captain for their squad, making him realize that Eren might not have been the best fit for such a role. Though, he thought maybe it was due to the headspace his friend was in. 

"Well yeah, sure. But there's just too many titans between us and there. Even with you on point-"

"I can do it. I'm strong, _real_ strong." She starts, raising a blade up in the air above her head. Her red scarf dangles in the wind away from her neck, dancing. "None of you come close, you hear me? I am a warrior!" She shouts to everyone, not seeing their faces. "I'll slay all the titans that block our path, even if I have to do it _alone_. As far as I'm concerned? I'm surrounded by a bunch of unskilled cowardly _worms_!" She yells, pointing a blade of the group of men and women before her. 

"You all disappoint me. You can just sit here and twiddle your thumbs, just watch how it's done!" Her blade is moving back to her side again, another cadet speaks up to retort to her. "Mikasa! Are you out of your mind?! That's nuts!" followed by, "You can't be serious?! Trying to take them all out on your own?!" Another voice cuts in, too. "There's no way you can hope to beat them!" 

"If I can't beat them, then I die. But if I win, I live. And the only way to win, is to fight!" With that, she's taken a step off of the roof and shot her hooks at another one in the distance, sending her body flying through the air. She had repeated the words Eren said to her _that day_. 

"Hey!" Everyone stares in shock, she had really just taken off like that, huh? 

"You know, I was expecting something a little more motivational and well spoken." Jean mumbles to Connie, face dark. But he snaps himself out of it, and quickly too. He sheers his blades to his side, gripping the hilts with his fingers on the trigger safely. 

"I blame _everything_ about this on you, Eren." He says quietly, before raising a blade in the air just like Mikasa had done. "Hey! Don't just stand there, were we taught to let our comrades fight alone?! Unless you are a coward, in which case stay the hell out of my way!" And with that, Jean was off after Mikasa. Unsure if it was the unsaid feelings he had for her that drove him, or the reality of this being his last real shot at living.

"Never expected that from him." Reiner says, the three of them see an opportunity to get as far away from this area as possible. _If another intelligent titan doesn't show up, then Y/n is the founder_. Annie thinks to herself, scanning the area for any other titans that may be acting out of character. None so far. She was beginning to see this whole thing as pointless, if they had already known of you like this from the start. _Come on, give me something._ Annie finishes up her thoughts, as she watches everyone else jump off the ledge of the roof in orders after Jean. Sasha had shouted something, calling everyone a bunch of chickens. Even Armin got himself up off his sorry little ass. 

*

"Everyone, follow Mikasa! Get to HQ before you run out of gas!" Jean screams back.

Mikasa slices through a nape, pushing her body as hard as she possibly can. "Woah, Mikasa is such a badass!" Connie exclaims, wondering how it's possible that she's flying so fast ahead of them. 

Armin stares in shock, _No! Mikasa is just using too much of her own gas! She could run out at any second. It doesn't matter how scared she is, once we lose our mobility we're as good as dead!_ She swings her blades through another nape, blood spraying over her face only for it to evaporate in thin air just as quickly. 

_I can see through the veil of her composure, she's letting adrenalin_ _distract her from grief...at any time she could-_

As if his thoughts could predict the future, his eyes widen in fear as his exact worries come through. Her gas tank sputters out, sending her flying into a roof. He watches as her body hits down hard, her blades going in opposite directions to where she fell. Her form rolls off the roof, leaving his vision. 

"MIKASA!" He shouts to his last living friend, shooting off in the direction that her body had landed. He has to save her, he absolutely has to. If she dies, then he'll be alone. 

"Jean, you lead the rest to HQ, I'm going after Mikasa and Armin!" Connie shouts, seeing as Jean had made a face when Mikasa left their sights. He grits his teeth, forcing his eyes forward. He has to keep moving. 

*

Mikasa stares up at the sky, laying on her back. She had fallen onto a rain-catch tarp for what she assumed was supposed to be a pop up shop in the market. 

_It happened._ She thinks, raising a blade up in the air before her eyes. It's the last one she has left, short and dull. _Why this again? I've lost my family._

She jumps down, feet landing on the ground below the tarp. She only manages to get a few steps away, landing and dropping forwards on both her knees, slamming them into the hard cobblestone. She can't help but ignore the pain that shoots up her body and down her shins, ignoring the bruises that will no doubt form on them in a couple days if she manages to live past this. Though, in this exact moment she doesn't think that she wants to. 

_Why, wasn't the first time enough? it's all over. Nothing is left for them to take from me._ The thoughts drown out the noise is stomping footsteps, that familiar sound of the rumbling came again in addition to the heavy stomps. It was coming closer, just as fast as the two sets of loud feet in opposite directions. She was going to be cornered from every angle in a couple seconds. From underground, to her left, to her right. _I'm about to die._

From her left, she see's a large ugly titan with a hanging belly come close. It notices her. With each loud stomp, her heart beats in her chest at the same pace. She slides what little was left of her blade back into it's scabbard holster on her side, closing her eyes and accepting this as her fate. 

_This world is cruel. But it's also...it's also beautiful._ The girl tilts her chin up, looking up to the gray sky. _It was a good life._ She closes her eyes. The ground shakes in combination of the underground titan coming closer, and the one right next to her. Another titan is almost as close, slowly coming around the corner, though not yet quite reaching her. The sound of dirt and stone being pushed up is coming from that same direction as the second titan, she realizes. The ground shakes from everything happening all at once, making her body shake too. She was going to be a shared meal between three giant monsters. 

A giant hand reaches out to her, and suddenly her blood pumps through her body in a fit of electricity that sends her to her feet. Taking out her blade, she slices a finger off the titan that had been aiming to kill her. Her body bounds back, landing on her feet.

It smacks the ground at her, throwing her body into the wall behind her. She hadn't given up yet, despite what she told herself. Like a primal urge, she defended herself. _Why..._ She thinks, the hand coming for her again. It smacks into the wall right after she lunges away across from it. _I had already given up..._ her body rolls to the other titan that had peered around the corner, moving way too slowly for any normal persons liking. She lets out a couple hoarse coughs, spitting up saliva onto the ground in front of her. _So why...do I keep fighting?_

Her eyes land on a half opened pomegranate on the ground, not knowing why she finds it beautiful in a moment like this. She almost wonders how fresh the fruit would be if she could eat it, right now. The feeling of the juice filled seeds crushing between her teeth. She thinks of the taste, for a moment.

_Why...do I keep getting up?_ The titan trying to kill her stumbled, landing on it's face for a moment. She gets up to her feet, bracing herself with one dull blade left to her name. _I've lost any reason to live! What keeps pushing me?!_ A dim ray of sunlight beams on the fruit in front of her, images of Eren cross her mind. The titan stands back up.

Backing her body up, feet taking steps without knowing what's behind her. She turns around, finally seeing it. A titan who had it's face covered in shoulder length brown hair stomps a foot before her, causing her knees to buckle but only for the slightest of moments. The ground breaks open right behind the second titan that had finally showed itself to her. Witnessing long, sharp yellowish brown nails claw their way out of the dirt. She looks away before she can see what it truly looks like.

_Fight! Fight!_ Erens voice fills her mind, looking away from behind her fully and back to the one that had been hunting her the last few minutes. "Eren..." She whispers to herself, as if she could feel the boy with her right now. _Kill or be killed, it's the only way to live! You have to fight!!!_

 _I'm so sorry, Eren._ Her thoughts are filled with sorrow, she just kept hearing him tell her to fight for her life on loop in her mind. _I'm through giving up. I'll never give up again, because if I do? then your memories die with me._

She holds her blade in her hands, readying it for battle. She was intent on taking down all three titans that were surrounding her. "I'll do whatever it takes to win," She mutters, followed by a loud cry one would assume to hear in the battle of war.

Teeth gritting together, she screams out.

The digging titan had scaled up the body of the male titan behind her, catching a good look at it. It reigned about nine meters tall, with a female-like body. Although, it didn't look like any of the other titans she had seen. It was covered in dark brown fur, with random bits of black streaks down its back and legs. 

Her body was sent into the air as the long haired, male titan rammed a fist into the face of the titan that was trying to kill her, the female-like titan launching itself off of the titans shoulders into the air. It let out an ear piercing shriek, working together with the rogue titan as it bounded off of it's falling body, setting its sight onto another titan behind it.

Mikasa watched in utter _shock_. 

These two titans....we're killing other titans?! It was like she was looking at the pure embodiment of humanities wrath towards the monsters that plagued their lives for so goddamn long. 


	13. 13: Armin's plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: that scene where Armin asks Mikasa to leave him a blade

**[Year 849 March]**

"Armin, can I speak to you?" You ask the boy, who looks up from his book and folds one of his fingers in between the pages, to hold his place. You hardly ever see Armin do anything with his hair, but a band pushing his bangs out of his face makes you stifle a giggle with how silly he looks.

"Yeah, is something wrong?" He asks as you close his cabin door behind you. You had caught him at a time when nobody else was with him, Eren was out doing god knows what probably. You know that boys and girls aren't exactly supposed to mingle in the opposite sex's dorms, but everyone seems to be getting away with things left and right. Not to mention Ymir had kicked you out for the time being so she could have a chat with Krista. It happens every now and then, you don't take it personally. But it is annoying sometimes. 

"Your hair, first of all." You say coming closer, digging a finger under the fabric band and pulling the elastic out, watching some of his short blonde bangs fall onto his forehead before snapping it with a released finger. You listen to him groan and smack himself in the face, trying to catch the band but with no avail. "Hey! You came here asking me to talk, there's no reason to give me such a hard time!" He detested to you, causing you to only laugh a little. The lantern in his room seems to be on it's last fumes of oil, dimming out slightly.

"I just couldn't resist myself, sorry! It's a look, I swear. I just um, had a question about Eren." You plant yourself on the bottom bunk, looking at the crumpled up papers with writing and notes on them, you can assume this is were Armin slept. His bed was softer than your own for some reason, suddenly making you just a little jealous. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to pull that twerps headband again. Well, it wouldn't hurt you at least. 

"Did he do something?" Armin asked, pulling the band down and resting it around his neck, as if he was only going to pull it back up again once you left so he could continue reading. It had been a while since you enjoyed a good book, normally you and Armin would share the same book and transfix on every detail about it, once you both finished every page you'd meet up and talk about everything that you read. Maybe it was time for a new book. 

"No, not at all! I just want to know more about him and Mikasa, that's about it. I know they're like siblings, but also they're not? I know that Eren's parents essentially adopted her, right? They just seem closer than that. Do you get what I'm saying?" You asked, leaning back on Armin's bed and sprawling your limbs out. Before Armin can give you an answer, you decide to tell him something that Mikasa and Eren hadn't really gotten the full story on.

"When my parents would leave town for long periods of time, they'd leave me with the Kirstein's. I think I mentioned this to you guys before, but my mom and Jeans mom are good friends. I'm not related to Jean, obviously. And I hate his stinking coward guts, but would that make me his weird on and off sister? If we use the same logic, right?" Armin sighs, this isn't really his story to tell you. He didn't know exactly _all_ of the details about how Mikasa came to Eren's household, but he understood the important parts of the story. Again, it wasn't his to tell. If you were going to know what happened to Mikasa, it had to come from hers or Erens mouth. Not his.

"Y/n, you still have both your parents, right? Your adoptive ones, at least." Armin asked, you looked at him from where you laid in his bed, one eye peeking up at him. "Yes, I do. I don't know if my birth parents are still alive, but I don't really consider them my parents I guess. I've never met them or I just don't remember them. Samantha and Luka are my parents, they are the one who took care of me." You replied lazily, watching the opal colored buttons on Armin's light blue button up reflect in the light of the lantern. 

"Out of respect for Mikasa's privacy, I'm not going to tell you what happened with her parents. I don't think it's a good idea for you to ask about it either, right now. But think of it like this," He paused, putting his hand to his chin to try and think of a good comparison to make without telling you outright the horrible events that girl witnessed. A couple solid moments went by, and Armin still had to keep thinking of a way to explain it. You piped up again, pulling one of his blankets across your body and wrapping yourself up in it. Armin's bed was super cozy, if you could trade dorms for a night you definitely would. But the thought of Eren sleeping right above you made you uncomfortable for some reason. You bet that he snored!

"I just wanted to know why they're so _close._ It's like sometimes they _act_ like siblings who rat each other out and protect each other, and then the next moment I see her look at him in a different way. I want to think that it's weird because I _see_ them as siblings, but the reality is that I know they're _not."_ You stated plainly, watching as a lock of your h/c hair draped out between an opening in the blanket around your face. 

"Is there a reason that you try so hard to see them as siblings?" Armin asked, it seems all he does is ask you questions when you bring your own to him. You come up to him with one concern, and it always turns out like an emotional interrogation to the depths of your brain. It's like he's trying to get you to admit something, and it always ends up looping back around to Eren.

"Tch." You suck your teeth, Armin doesn't respond to the annoyance you just shared with him. "It's not like that. I just feel left out, sometimes." You say, honestly. Armin frowns, the feeling is all too familiar when it comes to those two. He knows why the way things are, and he gets it. He shares a bond with Eren just as significant as Mikasa, he knows that. He's known Eren much longer than Mikasa has, but the way they are rivals his friendship with Eren in a way that made him feel left out, too. It only came in twinges of moments, it was a situational feeling. It wasn't one that he felt himself feeling often, but when he did it really sucked. 

"Eren and Mikasa are their own entity of complex emotions. I have my own way of seeing Eren in a way that Mikasa doesn't, just how you have your own way of seeing Eren that I don't, also. You two sometimes sound like the same person to the point it's scary. The two of you are both so hellbent and determined, Mikasa and I don't compare when it comes to you two in that regard. We all have something with each other that another person doesn't." Armin said, trying to make sense of the way you had worded your first initial question. It did make sense, though.

The way you all view each other doesn't align with how the perceptions are returned when it comes around the square of friendship the four of you have built over the years. Mikasa and Eren have an unbreakable bond that sometimes seems one sided, and then every once and a blue moon it seems like all that matters is what's between Eren and Mikasa. And then there are moments where you and Eren resemble the exact same base of personality, and the only thing that seems to matter is how the two of you see what life has in store for the four of you total. That's not even to touch the surface on how complex Eren and Armin are, that's a whole deep intertwined story in of itself.

"Your family is close with Jean, you question if you see him as a brother or not. Do you?" Armin asked, trying to put things into perspective. "I suppose not. It's not like I spent years living with him, it was only for short bursts of time. I guess it's just the way both of our parents are super close that it felt like that. I don't see him the way Mikasa see's Eren, though. I kind of hate him now. I promise you he's not the kid I knew back then. That smug bastard-"

"I get what you mean," Armin nervously laughs, he wants to avoid that can of worms as much as possible. It's just another example of how you and Eren are way too similar for his comfort. But if you and Eren were so similar...

"How do you see me?" You ask the boy, sitting upright with the blanket wrapped around you. The oil in the lantern is hanging on by it's last few drops, you wonder how Armin could read in such dim lighting to begin with. The question takes him aback, like his air had caught in his chest. He wasn't expecting you to ask him something like that. It had been no surprise to anyone that the two of you were close in a way that you weren't with Mikasa and Eren, maybe that was a result of the mutual feeling you shared on the occasional thought of being left out by the two. 

"I meant, what am I to you." You clarify, raising one of your legs and folding it over the other. Armin has to look away for a moment in deep thought, processing the question. There had been times where he got teased by his fellow peers, accusing him of having a crush on you. He knew that wasn't the case, Armin cared for you deeply, sure. But there was no romantic feelings behind it, obviously. Not to mention you outwardly always expressed your distaste for things like love. The whole idea of having a crush on you seemed wrong, almost. He felt incapable of seeing you like that for a couple reasons, for some reason Eren's close personal friendship with you was one of them. Not to mention, he just didn't have those feelings and it was as simple as that. He did care for you deeply, though. 

"You're like family, but not a sister. Does that make sense? You're a sensitive person sometimes, and I'm a sensitive person all the time. Eren and Mikasa don't get it the same way that we do." Armin recalls the amount of times he'd find ways to calm you down during panic attacks and horrible nightmares. Eren and Mikasa had their share amount in helping you out with those episodes, too. Mikasa was outspokenly better at it than Eren was, but nobody made you feel at ease better than Armin. Just as there had been times where Armin was at his breaking point, and you'd always come around and make him feel better just by knowing that you understood what he was going through. He wouldn't go as far as to say that the both of you were flawed people with broken brains, but Eren and Mikasa had better heads on their shoulders when it came to emotional stability. That's saying a lot, considering Erens bouts of uncontrollable anger at times. 

"If you want me to be your sister or something I'm sure my parents would happily adopt you!" You joked, Armin shook his head as if saying he didn't really want that, it would be kind of strange after all. "Relax, don't take it so serious. You'd be a weird kid to have as a brother anyways. Plus, too many people think we have some weird secret relationship. How gross is that? No offense."

"None taken. It would be very gross."

"Hey!" You shout. 

You think about the mental troubles you and Armin shared, again. Eren and Mikasa never shook the way you and Armin did when they got nervous. They never had to worry about the same things you and Armin did, either. They never once had to rely on the both of you to calm them down from a vulnerable episode in such a similar way. You can't recall a single time where you'd have to hold Mikasa in your lap because she couldn't stop crying, that was you in her lap instead. Nor could you think of a time where you had to hold Eren's hand and rub it until he felt like he was real again, that was Armin. The two of them didn't seem to suffer from the same type of anxiety that you and the blonde shared.

Suffer, it truly was the right word to use when describing that feeling of helplessness, the fear that your own brain can turn against you at the drop of a dime. Sure, Eren had his moments. But they were very rare and few and far between. He always dealt with them in private, too. He never even let anyone know when he had those issues. A thought crosses your mind, jealousy spikes in your heart.

_What if it does happen, and Mikasa is just the one who helps him through it without you or Armin knowing?_

"I guess it's just that simple. Eren and Mikasa will always have each other, no matter what. It's like we can come as close as we can, but we won't ever be with them on the same level. _I think I'm jealous of them_ , you better not tell anyone I said that, either." You jut your finger at him, narrowing your eyes. "I'm warning you, _Arlert._ If I hear another cadet say what I just told you, I promise to never share a vulnerable moment like this with you again." Armin laughs, happy to see the version of you that he knows and cares about deeply. Your way of showing affection was just to be mean sometimes, it was never a deep cut type of mean, but more like empty threats that he knows you'd never fill. Even in the way he see's you treat Jean, despite how lowly you talk about him, if Jean had chosen not to be so outspoken about the military police, you probably wouldn't actively show him how much you try to hate him. 

"Are you jealous of what they have, or are you jealous of Mikasa?" 

"Would you stop asking me so many questions, damnit! You make it sound like I have a _crush_ on that brickhead." You protest, voice louder as you give Armin a dirty look. He raises his hands in defense. Armin thinks to himself that you insulting Eren like that just sounds like you're insulting yourself. He can practically hear Eren running down the deck right now, slamming the door open and shouting _Who are you calling a brickhead, you're the brickhead here!_

"Fine fine, I'll get off your case about that today. If it worries you so much that Mikasa and Eren have each other, just know that you'll always have me. Does that make things better?" You sigh, extending your arm out. You feel like you're not as important to the two of them, but Armin? He was the first one you talked to, really. You still remember that scary look on his face the first time you saw him. He even went out of his way to say sorry to you on that first day, and it turned into the two of you talking about books, science, and logical theories. That was your first bonding experience with him. It was weird how you were so similar to Eren, yet you shared the same interests that Armin did. It was like you were the perfect mix of the two boys jammed together in one stubborn, but smart girl. Eren was someone who would rush into a fight head first, you would too. Although before entering a fight, you'd study your opponent first given you had the correct amount of time to prepare. 

Armin stares at your arm, and watches as you extend a pinky. He raises a blonde eyebrow at you but slowly mimics your body language.

" Pinky promise?" 

"Pinky promise."

You catch a book on his desk from the corner of your eye, the text unlike the others in the room. It takes you a second to recognize the writing. The book is almost half hidden, like he had attempted to hide it before you came in. 

"What's that book?" You asked, remembering Eren talk about the fact that Armin owned a couple books that nobody was allowed to see, one of which you did see actually. He had shown you pictures of the ocean, but it was very brief. He spent more time talking about the book with you, than he had actually spent time showing you the book. 

"Oh, this thing?" Armin asks, pulling it out from under the haphazardly thrown cloth over it. He supposes after that little pinky promise, maybe he can show you in full detail the two books his parents had stored in secret before they died. One of them made more sense than the other one did, seeing as the second one was in a whole different language that he didn't understand. He hands it to you, gently.

You crack the hard cover open, fingers delicately tracing over the pages.

"Good luck, I've been trying for years to understand any of it. Without the context, I can just assume it's another book about what the outside world is like. There's a picture of the ocean in it, and a jungle. That's all I get from it, though." 

"You can't read it?" You ask, looking over the pages while your eyes scan the text. "No. Can you?" He follows up your question, once again with his own. You frown, not knowing why you have this constant incessant desire to be so untruthful when it comes to things you can't explain to everyone else. The only people who knew you spoke an entirely different language were your parents, and any mention of it made them change the subject quickly. 

"No." You lied. "I can't understand any of this." 

Armin, however, watches as your eyes follow the correct path of reading for a long consistent period of time. 

He feels like he's being left out, again. When it comes from you, it almost hurts more than when Mikasa and Eren do it.

*

**[Present day 850]**

"Mikasa!" Armin shouts, swooping up from behind the girl and wrapping his arms around her waist and torso, once he has a proper hold on her he shoots his wires off and carries her body with him to a nearby rooftop, where Connie shortly appears not long after, landing much more gracefully than he had. To be fair, Connie wasn't carrying the entire weight of another girl in his arms, though. So Armin doesn't feel too bad about his spill, for the first time in a while. 

Armin waits for Mikasa to stand up, and when she finally does he pulls out some of his blades and slides them into her empty scabbards. "There, I restocked your blades. You don't have enough gas either, so." He pauses, taking out his own canisters and pulling away Mikasa's empty ones, all in such a swift movement that she can't even deject or understand what's going on quite yet. He takes her empty ones and puts them in his empty holsters. 

"If one of us is gonna make it, it's gonna be you. Just...don't be so reckless this time." He pauses, holding one dull blade left to himself. "Just leave me this one. I'd rather this be my end, not being eaten alive." Armin states, staring at his reflection in the metal. He wonders how bad it would hurt, having to slit his throat open. Or was that too gruesome? If he cut his wrists open, he doesn't know if he would bleed out fast enough before a titan made him it's lunch. The fastest way to go would definitely be by the throat, but it wouldn't be a pretty or easy way to go out. Hell of a lot faster, though. 

Mikasa takes the short blade out of Armin's hand, and throws it over the ledge of the roof and onto the ground below them. As it clatters, Armin looks back up at the girl with a sad expression. "Why did you..." He's cut short when she places a cold hand on his sweaty one, wrapping her fingers around the bottom of his own palm. "Armin. I will _not_ leave you behind." His eyes widen, it's like he's almost surprised by the statement that she made. 

"Titans are everywhere, you can't jump _and_ carry me on your back-" "Come on, let's move!" Connie says, grabbing Armin by the hand after he stood up, making him trail behind him and Mikasa in a running start. He had partially been dragging the blonde behind him. 

_Please... Don't do this. It's not going to work, it's too unsafe! Enough people have died on my own account._

The sound of the Rogue titan roaring in the distance catches his ears, another loud screeching sound erupted shortly afterword's. It was like those two abnormal titans were communicating to each other, in a weird way. The nine meter beast like titan had a body that resembled a female, though it was covered in fur it still had breasts and curves like a woman did. The other rogue fifteen meter titan had a sculped male physique, that thing was _covered_ in muscles. It also had pointed ears, not normal ones like all the others. Even the feminem beast titan didn't have pointed ears like that. It sure as hell didn't look normal, though. 

He kept his eyes behind him as the two before him kept running, watching as the female beast ripped the nape out of titan with sharp teeth, like it was protecting the rogue male titan. They were working together, stomping and smashing titans left and right. The smaller one would climb up buildings and launch itself off, occasionally bouncing off of the rogue titan and onto it's next target while he punched and decked the heads off of taller ones. _They're definitely fighting together!_

"No!" Armin shouted, digging his heels into the roof to make his two friends stop dragging him to the ledge of the building they ran atop of. "Hold on, I've got an idea." He said, voice now more calm that it was earlier. Connie gives him a look, Mikasa just stares waiting for Armin to speak his mind. 

"What is it, then?" Connie is willing to listen. "Only you two are capable of pulling this off, so it's really your choice. This might sound crazy, but I think those two titans over there might be useful." Armin says, keeping his composure because he doesn't exactly know how the two will react when given the option he's about to propose. 

"They both seem to only attack their own kind, they seem to have no real interest in us. What if, we can somehow steer them to HQ, and let them loose on the other titans? Look, we can see they've taken a couple out already, so we can use them as a weapon to our advantage." Armin finished his thought finally, Connie stands before him in disbelief. 

"You've got to be kidding, and just how the hell are we supposed to steer that thing? It's not like humanity has exactly learned how to tame titans over the years! They've been to busy eating us." He spoke his mind, and he had every right to. But so did Armin, who looked back at the two monsters. 

"Something tells me that they're fighting on instinct. I'm almost sure that if you take down the pair that they're tangling with right now, they'll just try and find the next nearest ones to destroy next. That would lead them straight to HQ. We wouldn't be steering them so much as we'd be luring them. I think it'll work, I really do." Armin can't help but admit it inside his head that he's proud of the fact he can think on the spot so quickly like this, if you were here with him right now you'd probably be encouraging him. He smiles at the thought, a sad one though.

"You think?!" Connie shouts, staring down the boy before him. "You're asking us to risk our lives on a gut feeling you've got?!" 

"If I'm right about this, we can put down the siege on head quarters in one solid swoop!" Connie stops dead in his tracks, especially when Mikasa openly agrees with him. "It's worth a shot." She says, "Huh?! Are you serious?!" Connie retorts in shock, exclaiming to the girl next to him. He knew she was brave, but not stupid brave.

"It's better to follow Armin's gut feeling than wait around to be slaughtered. If there is a decent shot, why shouldn't we take it?" She says, giving Connie a cold look. Armin has a smile on his face, a good meaningful one for the first time in hours today. It isn't sad, or broken like before. He won't say it, not right now at least, but the amount of pride it gives him when he hears Mikasa listen to his plan and agree with it is astounding. He feels so...included.

"So basically, we're going to recruit some titans?!"

"Yes. Exactly." Mikasa says, as if she's tired of confirming to Connie that this is what Armin means, and that he shouldn't be questioning him the way that he is. At first, Connie looks like he's going to bark back another round of tedious questions, but the look on his face falters and is replaced with a smirk.

"Well then, I guess we'll just look like morons if we screw this up, won't we?" He said. Armin's smile is bigger than ever, excitement running through his bones. "Yeah, but if we don't, just look at how many lives we stand to save!" This is the first time at all during the mission in Trost that he's felt genuinely hopeful of a plan where he see's himself having a future past today.

"Where there's a will, there's a way." Mikasa says, sounding like something Eren had said to her in the past. She takes off to the edge of the roof, Armin following immediately after.

"This is still nuts, but what the hell!" And with that, the three of them were off to continue Armins amazing plan.


	14. 14: She Heard His Heartbeat

"Son of a..." Jean muttered, listening to his comrades scream behind him. He had just lead a suicide charge to HQ from the rooftops with Annie, Reiner, Bertholtd, Marco, and a good handful of other cadets, though not all of them lived. He wonders how many people he had to let die in order for this small group of soldiers he lead to live. The guilt racks through his mind, regardless of what Marco said to him about his leadership skills. He had used the death of his peers to his advantage to escape. "There's too many people, they can smell us." He finally let out, a giant hole in the side of the building from a titan falling sent a soldier flying up into the ground, to his death. 

"We can't all go at once!"

"Where's Mikasa?! Have you seen her?!" 

"She ran out of gas, she's dead. Forget about her!"

Jean stared out the gaping hole with pained eyes and a slack jaw. _This is it...This is reality._ Jeans fingers rest on the triggers of his blade handles, loosening up. He doesn't feel any energy left to even try and make a run for it, apart of him thinks that staying here gives someone else a better shot at living if he stays put, given all the people he's now responsible for dying he doesn't feel he deserves the right to run away. That's all he's ever done, is try to run away. Even his goal of joining the military police was just another guide to try and run away.

_How deluded was I? No, on some level I knew it all along. I mean when you stop and think about it for a second, it's so obvious. There's no winning. Not against them._ He stares at the two faces of the titans before him, one woman like and the other a man. For a moment, if you were to disregard their size he thinks that maybe they'd look like normal people if not for them being titans. They stare at him with open mouths, as if deciding when the right moment is to pick him up and swallow him whole.

And then something happens, something Jean didn't anticipate at all. 

A giant, massive fist came into his view, almost in slow motion. It collided with the skull to the right, knocking the other titan to it's left down along with it. The large gust of wind brought on by the sudden attack sent Jean's hair flying upwards, making his uniform clothes rustle in the breeze along too. His eyes quickly switch from scared to confused, narrowing them with furrowed eyebrows. _"What?!"_ He shouts, stepping forwards and grips his handles along the trigger, as if his body had found the strength it needed to carry itself on.

He peers out of the open cavity in the HQ walls, stone crumbles from around the openings. The view of a long haired male rogue titan shrouds his vision, not even bothering to cover his ears as the massive monster lets out a loud war cry. He stares at all of its features, from it's pointed ears to it's broad shoulders. It had piercing green eyes, ones that were in a constant state of fixation full of nothing but anger.

"H-Hh..." Jean lets out a shaky breath, "What the...my _god._ " He says out loud in disbelief as the Rogue male titan stalks away, landing on the grounds below it. That's when he see's the other titan, and immediately his stomach feels like a pit of death. He, no, nobody had ever seen a titan like the one he was just looking at before him, as if the first one wasn't crazy enough. He stares at a smaller, woman figured titan, covered in fur. It's climbed up the side of the building, wrapping disgustingly long sharp fingers around the edge of the hole created by the falling titan from earlier with it's back turned to him. He can smell it from here, it's disgusting. It reeks. It has an almost solid base of brown fur around it's entire body, with the exception of it's chest and stomach. There's long black streak patches of black fur on the back of it's spine and legs. That thing looks like an _animal_. 

He takes a step back, stepping on a piece of broken wood from the building as it snaps. He watches the beast-like titan's ears twitch in reaction to the sound, causing it to turn around fully while it still hangs from the opening in the wall to look at him. Terrifying, piercing e/c eyes stare down at him, and sharp teeth peek past thin wet lips. He can't move, his body is frozen as this _thing_ seems to be giving him a _complete_ stare down. Moving it's massive, ugly hairy face closer to his. He can feel the hot breath, the stench of death filling his nostrils. The skin around it's predator eyes is free from fur, same as the skin around the mouth and nose. 

A piece of flying rubble is being sent through the air, a large chunk of building from directly across is hurling exactly towards Jeans head. He doesn't see it coming, but he definitely hears it. Without missing a beat, the smaller beast in comparison to the massive rogue turns around, with it's other hand reaching into the air and grabbing the rubble in a closed fist, crushing it sending pebbles to the ground. Long yellow nails wrap around the debris, pulling an arm back and throwing it directly at two smaller titans on the ground. Letting out an ear splitting shriek, it bounds off the wall and onto the top of another titans head in the distance. He watches in shock as it digs disgustingly long claws into the eyes of it's skull, jamming it's thumbs deep into the sockets before leaning it's head in and ripping off the nape with those same gnarly teeth he saw just a few moments ago. No wonder it's breath reeked of death, if this is how it's fighting. 

Thinking back to it's eyes, the shade and tone reminded him of you. You happened to have those same exact eyes, thinking about it made his heart hurt. Were you really gone? Nobody has seen you all day, not even a body was found or stumbled across at any given point. You were probably swallowed alive, he thinks. He doesn't want to go back home and face his family, knowing that if he did that he'd have to face yours, too. And he knew damn well how your mother was when it came to the military, he doesn't want to be the one that tells her that her worst fears have come true. Fuck, even his own mom would be devastated at the news. 

_That thing....just saved me?!_

From behind him, Mikasa jumps through the window, sending broken shards everywhere. Followed behind her is Connie, who's carrying Armin in his small arms bridal style. Turning around at the sound, it's like he cant believe life let him get this lucky not once, not twice, but three times. The first being when he lead a his group away from danger, the second being when this abnormal titan saved him, sand the third being that Mikasa appeared alive, right before his very eyes. 

The girl who resembled the drawings he made as a kid, the one he adored from the first time he set his eyes on her. Mikasa Ackermann was alive and well. It was like the gods above gave him a chance.

"Mkikasa! You're..." He trails off, eyes looking over her body in every way that he could, as if trying to see if she was injured anywhere. The way she moved, he tried to point out any points that moved in pain. She looked up at him, silver eyes meeting his amber ones. For the first time in forever, it had felt like he was truly seeing her. _She's an angel..._ The delicate look on her face even after taking such a spill made his heart flutter in a way that his stomach couldn't handle, making him nervous all of a sudden. Just like every other time he gets even a single moment alone with her. Nobody makes him feel like this, and if it weren't for you being missing or dead he'd probably be happy you where nowhere in sight to ruin this moment for him. But you aren't here, and for all the wrong reasons. 

"Close one," Connie starts while banging on an empty gas canister. "I was running on fumes. We made it here though, crazy but we did it!" Connie shouts, Jean takes a step forward while ignoring the boy, eyes still locked onto Mikasa's.

"A-Am I dreaming?" He asked her, looking like a total fool with pink tinted cheeks. She doesn't return the same look, but steps upwards as she remains eye contact with him. Jean thinks that she's never held eye contact this long with him, every moment that passes feels surreal. If ghosts are real, Jean sure hopes that yours or Eren's doesn't haunt him for acting like this around her. The last thing he needs is to have his dorm cabin bedroom walls to bleed the words 'Stay away from her, horseface!' 

_"_ You're a certified genius!" Connie yells, while slapping Armin on the back. "From now on, as far as I'm concerned your word is law!" He finishes. Mikasa looks away from Jean, back to Connie. "Check it out! We found two abnormal's that have bones to pick with their own kind! The best part about all of that, is that they couldn't care less about us!" Connie juts a finger out of the hole Jean was just staring out of, witnessing the two abnormnal's rampage continue. Although the female-beast like titan seemed to be wearing itself down slowly, whereas the massive Rogue male hadn't gotten to that point yet.

"That's right, you guys heard me! These big, beautiful sons'a-bitches are our big ticket outta here!" Connie declares loudly for the remaining alive cadets who made it this far. Off away from their vision, Annne, Bertoldt, and Reiner stare at the two titans. _Seem's our suspicions were correct, after all._ Reiner thinks. _But who the hell is in that second titan?_ _One of them is the founder_.

"You mean like fighting fire with fire?!" Daz shouts, confused.

"Listen to yourselves, a titan isn't going to help us. You're out of your mind if you think this could work." Jean starts, almost like he was refusing to accept that a titan had just saved his life mere moments ago just because he didn't understand it. Surely he thinks maybe after all that titan was saving its own hyde, maybe that rubble would have crashed into that thing instead? 

"It _is_ working, for whatever reason they're working together to rampage against the others. Stand back and let them do it. Trust me, Jean. You'll see. Either way, what real choice do we have? If you've got any other options, you should tell me now." Mikasa says to him, locking more serious eye contact this time. He's about to say something, but the loud roars of the male rogue titan shake the air around them. 

"Right now, those things are our best chance at survival." Her gaze is long and stern, Jean slowly starts to mimic it while giving her the same look. Now isn't the time for feelings like this, he needs to be serious. Taking a page out of your book, he ignores the way his chest feels and takes this business only.

"Look at _him_ go!" Connie says, making Jean and Mikasa look away from each other in their competitive stare. "This guy makes the others look like total weaklings, he's kinda a badass." Connie points to the Male rogue, who punts two three meter titans like it was childs play. "Yeah, and look at _her_. That things an apex predator." Armin adds on, watching the smaller abnormal take out titans by hiding and then surprise attacking. Even though it's slowed down, it's still kicking ass. They witness it dig a hole in the ground and burrow into a circle, just to come up from underneath a titan, ripping its' body in two with those blade like claws straight down the middle. Blood sprayed the courtyard, splashing even onto the rogue titan. Moments would pass before the blood turned into steam. 

The female beast would charge at a larger titan while being on all fours, distracting it ands then darting to the right just as the rogue ran up from behind her, taking the normal titan off it's guard and punching it's head clean off it's shoulders. They seemed naturally coordinated, in a way.

Jean and Sasha watch in horror, was this the titan from earlier that dug around them while they were stranded on the roof? If its fighting other titans like this, was it trying to protect them back there by trapping those smaller normal titans in ditches? It sure as hell made their escape easier with less titans to worry about, that's certain. 

*

"There's no way the titans are gonna take this building. Not with those two on a rampage out there." Now inside the building, Jean had left to go look for any kind of supplies he could get his hands on, Connie sat squatting before Reiner. The pull elevator raised as a cadet turned the crank, the loud sound of chains rambling through the dimly lit room.

"It's all well and good, but what's to keep them from turning on us once they're done?" Reiner says, Annie looks up from besides him as if telling him to shut up. "Guess...we'll worry about that when we're safe." Connie replies, Reiner only gives him a kind but worried smile. "Yeah, you're right. At least those two are buying us a little time. Can't exactly look a gift horse in the mouth, am I right?" He finishes, running a hand through his blonde hair.

"Good news!" Jeans voice booms out as he walks in the room, carrying a crate of something in his arms. "Speaking of horses." Reiner chuckles, Connie adds in laughter and punches his friend in the shoulder playfully. Annie rolls her eyes, letting out an annoyed scoff. As if they could be laughing in a time like this.

Three other cadets follow behind Jean, all carrying long crates as well. "Curtesy of the military police, and covered in a layer of dust, too." He says with a grimace, wiping his finger along the box and inspecting it. He wipes his fingers on his jacket before turning back to see everyone once again. 

They unload the crates, revealing a ton of rifles. Jean passes them out, Marco joining in on distributing the weapons. They both load buckshot, the clicking of the rifles being ready to use fills the air. "Are you absolutely sure that buckshot is the way to go? Seems like we might as well throw spitwads." He says to everyone in a group, Armin has whipped out a piece of paper and pencil and started sketching out a diagram of a plan on it before everyone. That boy sure is a smart one.

"Come on guys. are guns even effective?" He asks, Armin looks up from his place that he sits on the ground, both hands stretched out onto the plan he's creating. With a sigh, he starts as Marco stares at him from his left.

"I don't know, but they're bound to be better than nothing at all. We're looking at exactly seven titans in the supply room of the four meters tall variety. If we time this perfectly, _and I really mean perfectly,_ this much ammo aught to be the trick. Step one, we lower a group of us into the area via lift elevator to snag the titans attention. Step two, when the titans come within range the group fires in all four directions simultaneously, blinding them. Then the hard part, the moment of truth as it were. After we stop shooting when the titans are blinded, before the titans have time to recover, seven of us swoop down from the ceiling boards and strike their napes. If we shoot one moment too late or they jump one second too early, we risk shooting one of our own." He says, pausing as if to continue his plan because that wasn't the end of it. The large group around him give him his full, complete and undivided attention. He really does, in a way, feel like a leader right now. But that comes at a cost, if someone dies because of this plan? Well the blood is on his own very two hands. 

"The seven people need to kill their vital regions, exactly. That's it. That's the plan, so all our lives are on the line. If we screw up, we're dead. It's a hell of a risk for only one attack, but I think this is our only chance to get out of here alive. Seven people have to slay seven titans in exactly only one blow all precisely at the same time." He emphasized this plan as much as he could, especially the parts so important that if any one of them misunderstood one thing then the whole plan would fall apart. If he sounded dramatic, it was for a good reason. 

"We're gonna need to best of you. The seven soldiers most physically gifted and adept with their pairing blades. You'll be the difference between life and death for the rest of us on the lift-elevator. I'm sorry...that's how it is." Armin is finally done explaining his elaborate, and scary plan. Though everyone around him seems to be on board judging by their faces. At first, he's surprised.

"Seems like a sound plan." Reiner says, Annie stands behind him and speaks up as well. "When you get right down to it, the risk is the same for everyone. It doesn't really matter who goes where. If you guys don't manage to blind the titans, we're just as screwed." As harsh as a truth as ever. "Look, guys I'm willing to be talked out of this, one half baked strategy can't be our only option-" 

"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. Come on, what we're looking at is our only option. Not to mention this is pretty well thought out, not to toot your horn for ya' or anything but this plan is great." Marco says, placing a finger under his nose in thought. "If we give it our all, we might just pull this off!" He says in a cheery tone, Mikasa from Armin's other side looks over to him.

"Everything will be fine, just trust yourself. You're a better strategist than you give yourself credit for."

"Huh?" Armin looked shocked.

"I'm serious. That mind of yours saved Eren and I more than once." She said calmly, as if trying to get Armin to be more confident in his planning skills by bringing up something like that. Though, he seriously can't ever recall a moment like that happening. When? How? 

"When did I ever save you? That's not.." 

"I'll tell you later. You didn't realize it at the time."

*

It worked, almost! The only two who missed were Connie and Sasha. Though, Annie and Mikasa took care of them quickly before they could do any damage. Sasha yelled and screamed about how ashamed she was, "Mikasaaaaa!! You saved my life!!" Sasha screamed, stumbling up to the girl and grabbing her by the front of her shirt, eyes full of dramatic tears. "Are you okay?" Mikasa asked, though her voice didn't carry the concern that the question held. "Because of you-"

"Then get up." Barking out as if it were a demand. Sasha does as she was told, yet still mumbles to herself how she failed. Connie says something to her about it, that he'd give her shit later for her screw up just as he had done the same.

"Wow, by the skin of your teeth." Reiner says to Annie, smirking. "Damn lucky you didn't end up worse off." After hearing that, Annie simply just walks away herself. "They're all dead! So start loading up supplies, now." Jean says, everyone on the lift cheers before filing out, doing as they were told. Marco fainted, as if it had worn him out. Armin caught him, helping him walk off the lift. Jean and Marco sit next to each other on a crate while filling up their gas canisters. 

"We're gonna make it!"

"We're gonna live!"

"No more of 'em comin' in!"

"Thank you, crazy berserker titans!"

Their voices surround the two friends, Marco smiles while hearing everyone talk so highly. Jean sits with on leg crossed over the other, Armin has his gas canister between his knees as he hums something to himself, almost innocently. "Listen, man. What you said earlier about me being a good leader and all? Don't ever talk to me like that again, alright." He said, keeping his eyes focused on filling up his gas. Jean wasn't about to tell Marco that he felt all the guilt of the lives he inadvertently ended just to save everyone else. Knowing that it was for the greater good, but there should have been a way for him to get everyone back here alive. He shouldn't have had to sacrifice others just to do this. 

Marco sighs, followed by a smile. "Promise me that you won't take what I'm about to say the wrong way, but I don't think that you're a good leader because of the fact that you're strong. I think that you're a good leader because you know what it is, what it means to be weak. Come on, Jean. Can't you see you're one of us? You're scared out of your mind just like we all are, it makes you alert, and sympathetic." Marco says his thoughts, giving the spikey haired brunette next to him a soft, but kind smile.

Jean looks over with a fixed expression, jaw opening partly. He can't stop the sigh that slithers past his lips. "You made a damn good call out there earlier today on the rooftops. Got me runnin' for my life, you're why I can say this." Jeans eyes widen, he must look like an idiot right now with that look he's showing Marco, not that Marco doesn't look like a fool either. He's got the kindest smile on right now, sure normally Marco is a soft hearted soul, but he's not normally this sentimental.

"Damn it. Marco you're weird as hell, you're fully capable of stuff like that too, y'know."

With that being said, they all filed out of HQ safely. Some took of extremely quick, making their way out as fast as possible. Armin, Mikasa, Jean, Reiner, Annie and Bertolt all stayed slightly behind the rest of the group, making their way up onto the roof of a building. Originally it had been Mikasa who ran off first, but obviously those five others followed suit once they realized what she was looking at.

The two abnormal titans.

"What are you doing?! We have to get out of here, now." Armin said, alarmed. Mikasa didn't once peel her eyes away from the scene before them, though. "Look down there." Mikasa suggested, the sight caused Armin to jump in his own skin.

Several titans were pushing the male rogue titan against the building, all chewing into his body in several different places. At this point the monster had no arms left, they had been eaten off. The Female-beast wasn't in the best shape, either. It was being pulled by the leg by another titan, ripping it out of it's socket and biting down. The being let out a pain filled shriek, as if it really was feeling the excruciating torture of ones leg being ripped off. It turned around and clawed at the titan before it, only to continue crawling it's way to the giant male rogue titan desperately. It seemed to be fighting for it's life to get to him.

_If Y/n consumes whoever is in the second titan, we only have to worry about bringing back one person with us._ Bertolt's thoughts race as he witnesses, nobody else even beginning to ever know the understanding of what they're witnessing. Armin, Jean and Mikasa don't have, and wont have a single clue. He looks at Annie, who seems to be thinking the same thing.

"Cannibalism?" Armin asked, watching in confusion as a hot burst of steam happened to erupt from the nape of the female-beast, suddenly out of nowhere. None of them knew where to keep their eyes, between the acts of cannibalism or the weird self-implosion of the beast creature. They couldn't see anything through that thick cloud of steam, though. But whatever the predator titan was doing, it seemed to suddenly stop to a complete halt far away from the rogue titan.

"This may sound stupid, but I was hoping he'd be the key for us. That, he'd help mankind break the cycle and turn the tide just long enough to give us a little ray of hope." Mikasa said sadly, watching as it just keeps being devoured.

"She's right." Reiner speaks up, butting in. "They're too valuable to just let die, we can learn so much from them. I think that it's perfectly clear as to what our priorities are, and that's to ward the scavengers off of both them. He's no good to us picked apart, and she's no good dead either." Referring to both the abnormal titans.

"Are you all out of your dammed _MIND?!_ After everything that we just went through and now that we have a clear shot out of here, you wanna keep going at it?! Sure that fugly one might have saved me back there when you guys weren't with me, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna stick my _neck_ out for it just because it's a titan that picks on other titans! _A titan is a titan_." He shouts, completely taken aback by the fact that these guys wanna put their lives in danger yet again, just as they got out of something they all assumed there were gonna die from.

"Think about it. Having an abnormal on our side as an ally would be an incredible advantage, wouldn't you agree? Not just one, but two." Annie replies calmly to Jean. "A cannon has got nothing on titans that enjoys ripping apart their own kind."

"You...do you hear yourself? How many times do I have to say it, _a titan is a titan!_ " Growing tired of all of this, Jean feels about ready to just take off on his own. "It's not like they're friends of ours! You can't seriously be actually considering this." Jean holds his hand to his face, covering part of it. 

"Look, that's the titan that killed Thomas!" Armin shouts, pointing directly off in the direction across from the male Berserker titan. It was closer to the beast like one, coming a little dangerously close to it. The Rogue titan let out a howl of a scream, skin almost lighting up in the air as it forced its way over to the thing that took the life of one of Armin's previous, now recently deceased, comrades. 

It seemed to also be protecting that smaller animalistic titan it had been fighting with this whole time, seeing as it was directly in the path of the titan that swallowed Thomas. Even with no arms, shaking three to four meter titans off it's back, the Rogue was going strong. It continued to let out loud roars through the air, making its way to what seemed like it's final kill. 

They watched in horror as it bit through the nape of the neck, just like how the other one usually did. While they witnessed this, they were unaware of the movement slowly happening out of the nape from the female-beats nape.

While the male rogue picked up the titan that ate Thomas, they watches as some of his ribs cracked under the pressure and weight, before it threw Thomas's killer at another titan, taking out the last one in the area before it finally collapsed right next to the smaller abnormal right besides it..

"What was that you were saying?" Jean asked, shocked in horror at the pure display alone. That titan was swinging another one in it's mouth, while it had no arms, to kill another titan. That whole sentence shouldn't have even been allowed to cross his mind, nothing like that should have happened. If titans were capable of shit like this, humanity was definitely screwed. The pure violence...

"Guess it's a broken point, now. Alright, enough of this. Let's leave while we can-"

"MIKASA! ARMIN!" Everyone stopped dead in their tracks at the sound of the voice. There's no way...

"Y/n?" Jean mumbles to himself, eyes widened so much to the point he thinks they're about to pop out of his skull. Within the moment of an instant, he runs to the ledge of the roof and see's what's going on. He think's he's having a nightmare, suddenly. There's literally no possible fucking way that he just heard your voice after knowing you were missing the entire day, thinking you were gone, or worse.

"GET TO EREN, NOW!" He rushes to the ledge after hearing your voice again for the second time, finally seeing the sight as Mikasa takes off, shooting her wires downwards and slamming herself into the ground, running up to the carcass of the male rogue titan. He peers down at the female beast, watching you rip your body out in comparison to Eren just sitting upright. You seemed more aware of your surroundings than Eren did. For a moment, it was like you had done this before.

He witnesses you scramble out of the steaming mess of a monstrous beast, clothes ripped and torn from your elbows and knees down. You make no hesitance in your actions, climbing on top of Eren's titan while Mikasa holds him and cries into the air. He watches as you grab the girls face and push your forehead against hers while she hugs Eren, your lips moving to say words that he can't make out. He stares in shock, but it's not long until you launch your body off to the side of the massive beings neck and throw up over the side, steam erupting from the pile that landed out from your mouth.

You were throwing up more than he'd seen anyone before. It's like it just never fucking stopped. The steam that raised up from the pile seemed to hide your face, but he watched as your body lost it's control and landed off downwards towards the mess you made. You were obviously extremely weak.

But...you were alive!


	15. 15: "I'm Human."

"You're all gonna die." It's the first real sentence you hear being said out loud the most clearly, eyes snapping open almost immediately just to make sure you just heard that right, those words that just came out of Eren's mouth. Right after you emerged from your titan and helped Mikasa get Eren out, you felt sick and passed out over the side of the rogue titans carcass. When you woke up, you had Armin at your side and saw Mikasa at Eren's, both friends trying to get the two of you to wake up and snap back to reality. Eren, however, didn't seem to be as physically distraught as you were. By the time you had woken up fully, Armin had a piece of ripped fabric placed to your forehead to soak up every bit of sweat that was cascading down your features. 

"Eren..." Armin whispered, looking at the boy Mikasa was holding upright. It didn't take her long to let Eren go once she realized you were both awake, rushing herself to what seemed like the front lines of the three of you behind her to keep you all safe. You were just trying to wrap your head around everything, trying to recall the last real memory you had before everything got so damn blurry.You think you were just dreaming about your actual birth parents right up until now. The entire time you were in that titans nape, it was like every single memory you had of your childhood came rushing back to you, but now that you're not in it everything is all gone. Just glimpses that add more context to what you already know. 

There was something very unsettling about what Eren had just said, barely even able to move your head upwards yet you still had it in you to glance over at Eren, who had an empty look on his face with the exception of a now faltering smile. He had just said that everybody was going to die. 

"Armin...I feel sick." You mumbled to the boy on one side, while on the other was Eren, who was starting to shake back into reality. He had his left arm around your shoulder, hoisting you up, while his other arm hooked around Eren's waist. You feel like you haven't seen them in days, but it's only been hours. The last time you saw them was when you had gotten done saying something to Hannes, and then after that you can't recall. Its like someone snatched you up and did something without your memory holding onto it. Whatever happened between the last time you saw your friends and now, it had something to do with the gate being broken open. You couldn't tell, but your friends had gone from worried about you to suspicious in the matter of hours. If not for you running to Eren at the exact same time Mikasa did, they would have been absolutely certain something was up in the wrong way. 

Eren lets out a loud gasp, the scenery finally hitting not just him, but you too.

Garrison members with guns and blades. All pointed to the group of four, right before them. You, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. This makes your stomach twist even more than it's already been doing, organs feeling mashed inside suddenly swirl in depths of pain. You stretch your hand out over Armin's back, trying to reach for Eren as if that's going to bring you any comfort in the exact moment you're trying to process happening right now. You wanted to have somewhat of an honorable death if you died as a soldier, not to get shot by your peers?

"Are you alright?" Mikasa turned back with a pained expression, looking at both you and Eren. You looked like hell, and so did Eren. You didn't even know how to answer the question she just asked, other than to grip onto Armin and Eren even tighter than you were already doing. 

"Eren, Y/n, can you move on your own? Eren can you hear me, say something?" Armin pleaded, you seemed to be more functional despite appearances. "I don't think I can." You managed to sputter out between harsh coughs, Armin just grew more frantic.

"Listen you've got to tell them everything, they'll understand." Armin is looking more to Eren, who is finally reacting to everything that's happening around him. For a brief moment you make eye contact with Eren, sharing a mutual pained look of confusion. "Armin, what's going on?" He sounds scared. It makes you anxious.

"Did you hear him? He said that we're all gonna die." One Garrison member said off in the distance from you, catching your attention to follow their conversation through ringing ears. It's so hard to focus, all you want to do is go back to sleep. You feel entirely too drained, and drops of blood that fall out of your nose are just the nail in the coffin, wiping them away before Armin can notice. Though when you looked at Eren, you saw something red just barely peeking out of his nose too, threatening to drop. At least it's one thing you don't really have to worry about if Eren is suffering from that part too, but why isnt he throwing up and coughing like you are?

"Son of a bitch wants to eat us." A second Garrison member spoke up, ripping Erens eyes away from Armin and making him stare down the voice that just spoke. _What the hell are they talking about?_ Eren thought, _What is this...why are all their blades pointed at us? Those are meant for taking down titans! What's going on? and whats with that look? Are they terrified...of me? What's Y/n doing here, why does she look like that...what happened to her clothes?_

Eren looked up to Kit Foreman, who just seemed absolutely unstable. His face was shrouded in anxiety and fear, ready to make the worst call possible. Without even realizing it, you had managed to grab Eren's hand from behind Armins back and grip it tight, using him to stable yourself not only upright, but emotionally as well. Being able to hold someone's hand in this moment just made things feel less horrifying, and by the way he gripped back you could tell the feeling was mutual in that exact moment due to the fact neither of you seemed to look at each other once for consent, it just seemed to naturally happen. The way his fingers laced between yours with sweat and dirt, something so messy and gross about it just made you at ease. Because at least his hands were dirty too.

_You're going to do bad things, but it's all for the right reasons._

That voice from earlier spoke up in your mind, the maternal figure with a face you can't exactly piece together perfectly. It's like you've got the right puzzle parts, but the center sections aren't there yet. You're going to do bad things? What did that even mean. You know your hands were only dirty by appearance, but what if you had already done something that you'd regret, and you just don't know it? Your hands are probably dirty from more than just the mud. For a moment, you worry if Eren might have done something, too. To be fair, he had just said everyone here was going to die. What did that even mean? So many questions, all you want is answers. 

Smoke rises in the air heavily from all the recent cannon fire that's happened over the last few hours, buildings that fell.

"Cadets Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackermann, Armin Arlert, and Y/n L/n, the four of you have committed an act of high treason! Whether or not you get a swift execution or not depends on you!" Foreman screamed at the four of you, you heard Eren let out a quiet 'What...?' under his breath, making you look at him once again.

He looked back this time, almost immediately the two of you let go of each others hands like you didn't know you were holding them, though the two of you were fully aware. Staring at each other for the brief moment of silence, all you can do is shoot him a look of anxiety. If these were going to be your last moments alive, why the hell can't you stop looking at this damn boy right next to you on the other side of Armin? You're looking past Armin's head like it isn't even there, his existence isn't prevalent in your perception right now. All you can see and focus on is Eren Yeager. 

Eren takes in your full appearance even more so this time, the way your hair stays to your forehead in a sticky way. He can see every breath you take is one with struggle, all your weight leaning into Armin for support. He can't explain the look you're giving him, but it's a sentiment he returns for the brief period before both sets of eyes are back to the people who you think might take it away from you both. 

"Any attempt to move from where you stand now, anything I deem the least bit suspicious will be met with cannon fire, do not test me!" Eren is able to sit up on his own now, allowing Armin to take full control of holding you upright. Upon the action it feels like your entire body gives in, allowing yourself to slump over completely into the blonde boy's side. 

"Eren- I can't hold her like this for too much longer." Armin said, taking your limp and barely conscious body and laying you out in front of him and Eren for a moment, trying to adjust himself to he can figure out a way to hold you without putting too much stress on your own body. Eren doesn't exactly do much to help in this moment, trying to stabilize his own self accordingly. Though it doesn't stop Armin from figuring out a way to get in front of you once more, pulling up your left arm over his shoulder and slinging you up against his back. For a moment he's a little ungrateful to all the training you did with Mikasa, you really put on some muscle from it. You're heavier now than when you started your training, it takes a bit of energy out of him. But nonetheless, he has you supported at this point now with both your arms wrapped around his shoulders from behind. Your knees still on the ground, as Armin is only in a still squat position.

"Eren..." You mumble, eyes half lidded as you gaze at him directly from your side. "I'm okay..." You finish, trying to get them not to worry about you, with everything going on right now that's the last thing you need to be doing. Cursing yourself, why does it always feel like they have to baby you? You're strong, you're capable, you've got so much willpower that runs through your being, yet somehow it always ends up like this. Sliding your arms out of Armin's grasp, you slouch down behind him and shove your forehead into his back, digging your fingers in the cracked ground beneath you as you sit on your ankles. "You guys don't need to worry about me right now. What's going on? Why are they pointing their blades at us-" You mutter out, but once again you're stopped in your tracks. 

Eren lets out a shaky breath, you're just saying what he was thinking. 

"Answer carefully! Eren Yeager, Y/n L/n, what exactly are the two of you? Human...or titan?!" 

Eren still doesn't look like he knows what's going on, you don't for the most part either. But you know what just happened. You were in a titan, and so was he. You remember very clearly puling him out with Mikasa, somehow knowing exactly what to do to cut the muscle threads off. But that's about it, really. You keeled over the second you were able to focus on yourself and then passed out and woke up here. You could have sworn you saw Jean at some point, though. He felt like he was right there with you for a moment earlier. 

They're looking at you and Eren like you're monsters, and staring down Armin and Mikasa like they're keeping monsters safe. They think that everyone in this huddle is a monster in one way or another, but most specifically you and Eren. It's exactly what they think. "I'm sorry, sir! I don't understand!" Eren shouted finally, Armin moved positions once you made it clear you didn't want anymore help, putting a hand on Eren's shoulder to be physically near him. You sat on your ankles, hands still digging deep into the cracks of the ground where no plants grew, only weeds. You drop your head to hang between your shoulders, thinking that any attempt to move your vision elsewhere again was just going to make you throw up one of your organs, maybe. The pain is just so bad, you really don't think you can stay conscious for any longer than you've already been forcing it right now. Being in the nape of that titans neck and controlling it took a toll on your body that you weren't only not aware of, but also unprepared for. You don't think you could do it again right now if you were put in a position where you were forced to, better yet apart of you doesn't think you'd be able to do it at all again. You cant explain how you were able to do that, to pilot an actual titan, but you just understood how somewhere in the back of your mind. 

"Son of a bitch is playing innocent...Answer me, damn you! Evasion will get you nowhere, don't try to stall and pretend ignorance! Give us any chance and you'll be blown to hell before you can assume your true form!" The yelling from across you makes your head pound, but how are you supposed to answer a question like that? If you just let Eren speak for you, then it won't stop. If they start to normalize the idea that Eren is who speaks for both of you, then you won't feel like you have a say in what happens to you after this, if there is an after. If Eren says the wrong thing, it's going to be associated with both of you if you don't put in your two cents. You need to decide now if you want your fate to be tied to the next words out of Eren's mouth, but it's just so damn hard to actually give a shit.

"What true form?!" Goddamn it Eren, could you have said anything else right now? You can't even whip your head up to talk to him about it, not that the Garrison would give you a chance. If you and Eren look like you're conversing a potential tactic, they might just shoot a cannon at you right now. There's blades, rifles, and cannons pointed at the four of you. Too many chances to end up dead. Do you really have to just hope that Eren doesn't slip up and get everyone killed? For all you know your fate lies with him. 

_If that boy is the death of me I swear to god, or the walls, or whatever there is to swear to. I'll hunt you down in the afterlife, Yeager._ Grimacing at the thought, he doesn't even seem to realize the things that you're internally panicking about. Not that they'd all even know, due to the fact you've been hiding your face for the last two minutes. Your body has a loose swing to it, struggling to stay upright as you rock and sway to each side a little over time. You can even feel your nails start to ache from the rocks that you've dug them into, blood dripping past the tips of them. No steam this time, unlike normal if you'd break the skin.

"Please, loads of us saw it happen! The two of you emerged from fallen titans in full view of your comrades! Creatures of unknown origin, ability, or allegiance has slipped through and infiltrated wall Rose, and those creatures are you!" More loud shouting, You can't see Mikasa's face from her but you witness her form tighten. She looks like she's about to pounce.

"Eren it's true." You whispered to him, not able to know if he can even hear you, yet you continue to speak in silence to keep the Garrison from hearing you. "We both came out of the napes of titans. You need to wrap that around your head right now." Peeking only one e/c colored eye at him, your hair falling over your face to hide the rest of it. Eren looks back to you and mouths something.

"Am I the only one who doesn't think I'm a titan?" He asked, jaw almost open even after he's done speaking. You and Armin exchange a look, and he's almost expecting you to give him an answer _for_ Eren since you know more than he does, though that's not exactly by much.

"Under the circumstances, you're being sanctioned by his majesty is neither here nor there." What the hell did that mean? "You are risks that I'm well within my rights to eliminate, I will not let the situation stand! Every moment I squander mulling over your supposed innocence, puts all in further jeopardy of an attack from the armored titan! Hell! For all I'm aware, you're tactile diversions precisely for that purpose!" They think...that you and Eren slipped in somehow? And that you're working with those new breeds of titans from all those years ago?

Eren has a full history of living within these walls. You, however, do not. Its starting to hit you how suspicious it would be if someone dug up that information, not being able to find anything in your files from before you were ten years old. You're aware you don't have much in the way of official paperwork, seeing as Shinganshina was wiped out and many offices that held those kinds of information about the people who lived there were too. But if you're put on trial, that isn't going to hold up. The orphanage you came from had no such reports of even your parents. Your existence in these walls legally dates back to the same day all hell broke lose, and you have no witnesses to testify that they knew you before any of it. 

_I need to get out of here. If I could turn into a titan and get over that wall and run away as far as possible, I could loop back around at night time-_

Where would you even go? And it's not possible to turn into a titan right now, you're in no shape or even ability to recall how to do it. You just knew how, though you didn't actually have the information you need to get to the part where you recall how to do it intentionally. That's your first problem, the second would be your friends. If Eren could do the same thing that would be one thing, but would he go with you? You wouldn't let him, but could you stop him too? No you probably couldn't, and he might try to stop you if he's thinking the exact same thing.

"Do you understand? My conscious will not falter to watch you die!" Foreman shouted this time pointing a finger at the four of you, "Nor should it." Someone else said from by him, you looked for the voice and saw a silvery blonde haired girl in glasses appear by his side almost as if out of nowhere. "As soldiers they all understand their price of their position, if they're this committed to the defiance under threat of death? So be it." She was much more calm than the man standing next to her, a cold, stern look directed only forwards.

_You're all gonna die._

Eren's first initial words still play on loop in your head, for whatever reason you don't know. Something about it just sounded...not like him. _No matter what happens, those words will always stick with you. You're going to remember that for years._ Nothing sits right in your gut right now, for obvious reasons. But that? It gave you chills. Even more so now, that you've had time to register it more clearly.

_You're all gonna die._

"Sir! Please, this may be our best chance, we've already wasted time. We'll spend far less artillery if they're in human form!" A garrison member spoke up, all these faces to names you don't know. Strangers deliberating on yours and Eren's death. It makes you sick, the thought that they'd take it away just when it started. 

"Excuse me." Mikasa had a grit to her voice, something dark and uneasy. She had walked forwards a bit more, dragging one of her blades behind her made a spark against the concrete. It was like she knew she wouldn't need slightly damaged blades to continue the threat she was about to make.

"Mikasa- Don't...they'll kill us." You say softly, extending a hand out in her direction to try and stop her, but it's quickly taken by Armin and pulled back to your side. "Don't move, remember he said he would kill us if you or Eren made any sudden movements." Armin whispered against your ear, you could tell he was terrified and about to speak out like that to Mikasa as well, but he put your hand down against the cold ground once more and left it there. 

The urge to hold Eren's hand again creeped it's way into your throat. 

"I wouldn't! Not while I'm stand here, unless anyone's feeling up to the task, well in that case I'd be happy to demonstrate my own technique on you. And every last inch of your traitorous flesh." Mikasa is downright terrifying. Serving as a reminder to never get between her and something she's attached to- which happens to be Eren. You honestly don't know if she'd be making a threat like that if it were just you. You know in your heart that she cares about you, too. But you think back to the conversation you had with Armin about it all about a year ago.

_I guess it's just that simple. Eren and Mikasa will always have each other, no matter what. It's like we can come as close as we can, but we won't ever be with them on the same level. I think I'm jealous of them,-_

Just like that you suddenly lose the desire to reach out for Eren, and instead grab Armin by his forearm after several minutes of internally refusing to accept help. 

"I don't know what's about to happen, Armin. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for a lot of stuff." You mumbled to the blonde, thinking back to the time you lied to him about not being able to read the book he expressed wanting to understand so damn badly. If only you had just translated it for him, you would have given him something he'd always wanted. More knowledge. You couldn't even tell him what you were sorry for, all you could do was just sit there and apologize. Not like you'll have another time to do it.

"Now isn't the time- I'm sorry I don't mean to disregard what you're saying, but Y/n... I don't know what's going to happen either." Armin really feels like the only person you can fully rely on, and you can't even be honest with him? 

You watch someone whisper something to Kit Foreman, unknowing what it is. But Eren speaks up and stops the conversation you were about to carry with Armin. 

"Okay... somebody talk to me now, what the hell is all of this?!" Eren mutters, Armin just gets up about two feet away from Eren, causing you to stumble your balance and fall directly against the brunette you were just now trying so hard not to focus on. 

"Mikasa, you can't take them all on! I can only sit back for so long." He whisper shouted to the girl, while you basically fell in Eren's lap. His hands scrambled to catch you, but he's also tired himself. Instead you had to deal with it, looping an arm over his shoulder while your other hand fell in his lap, gripping his thigh hard to keep yourself from fully landing actually in his lap the way you thought you almost did.

"Y/n, you're not doing...so good." _Please stop worrying so much! You're only going to get yourself killed trying to do something_. 

_Now is not the time. Now is not the time. Pull it together, right fucking now. God I'm gonna throw up again_.

"Even if you took down a few, there's nowhere left to run!" Armin's voice cracked, it pained you wondering how he's trying to cope with everything happening right now. You didn't even know that everybody already made their peace with you being dead for a while, what else were they to think?

"Whoever comes at Eren has to go through me. I'll take on the entire regiment if I have to, I don't give a _damn_ what they try to throw at us." Her words cut you deep, of course you knew it. She was only acting like this because of Eren, of course it's a behavior you wouldn't particularly condone, but it's that same feeling of being left out again. You know it's an entirely selfish thought, but the only reason it gets you so worked up is because you have this non stop feeling that even though things between you and Mikasa are as normal as can be, there's just that gap there that feels like you aren't allowed to walk over. It doesn't seem to bother Armin as much as it bothers you, so...

That just means Eren is the common denominator for the cause of why you feel like that. If it were any other person that Eren or Mikasa acted like this towards, maybe it wouldn't get under your skin so much. But it does, and you don't fully understand or get why right now. 

"This isn't the only way! They're just scared, they don't understand what's happening. We need to calm down and just talk it out." Armin's words set you back in reality, it's not the time to worry about who Eren is the chummiest with, why the hell does it even matter?! The four of you know you'll protect each other given the chances! You'd do things for Armin that Mikasa and Eren might not, and they've literally spent a good chunk of their childhood protecting him! You all care about each other, it's not a hard concept to get! _Stop letting your feelings get in the way all the time, this isn't what you signed up for!_

 _"_ I'm so conflicted right now, I'm really sorry-"

"Stop saying you're sorry, do you know what's happening?!" Eren and you get caught in a heated conversation, while Armin and Mikasa have their own talk about what her options on defense are. She's about to take on an entire brigade, just for Eren. 

"No. I know what's happened, but not what's happening. Eren, I can barely keep my eyes open right now-"

"Then look at me." 

Eren has your face in his hands, making you connect with his own. Your mouth falls open, partially. His eyes are frozen in thought, his lips are pursed closed in pause. You don't think you've ever in these last few years been so close to Eren, with an arm over his shoulder and a hand gripping into the fabric over his thigh. He's got your face in one of his hands, eyes trailing to the ripped fabric right at his elbow, seeing the same thing with your own clothes. His pants on the left side along with his shirt were ripped at the joints, and you had all four limbs of clothes ripped at the joints. 

_You're all gonna die._

His words from earlier sting again, making you pull your head out of his hand. You didn't need his help allowing you to see straight, it felt like an insult. But you knew it's not, you just don't want them to worry themselves to the point it screws them over. 

"Why can't I remember how I got here? You said I was a titan, but I don't think- I'm too weak to stand up, and if I say the wrong thing this could be it. Killed by people? What was that he said about us coming out of titan carcass's in front of everyone?" Eren's words drill into you regardless. He's just speaking all his thoughts to you. 

"You are, Eren. We both are. I don't know how either of us are like this but we just fucking are. Accept it." Your words came out more harsh than you intended, you can tell by the look he gives you filled with something you can't exactly explain. But it makes you hurt. He's just trying to understand...and you're being aggressive about it. 

"Nobody is making any sense, everything that happened was just a dream-" Eren starts but you let out a sigh, it's still not sinking in for him and there's not much you can do about it if he's so keen on refusing to realize what's going on.

"Whatever you saw wasn't a dream. Did you remember anything weird by chance?" You ask, recalling the voice of the woman who just kept speaking in your head. The tense air between you and Eren went away, hoping that question would bring some answers out of him.

His hand that once held your face is now extended, analyzing his arm with the ripped fabric around the elbow. "My arm...my sleeve, am I really one of them?" He asked, you acted upon impulse and grabbed his arm, the feeling from earlier rushing back without any halt now. The confliction in you is just so damn overwhelming to the point it sometimes feels like something else is influencing your actions, everything is so crazy and chaotic right now. 

"You're getting it now. Something happened to my arms and legs too, but they're fine now. We're in the same boat, but without paddles. Can we work together through this or not?" You asked him, desperate for a yes. Desperate for any indication that whatever happens, he's on your side. 

_You're all gonna die._

You don't know if you want someone like that on your side, but this is Eren. Eren is Eren until the bitter end. 

"This isn't possible...-" He's so close to getting it. It's almost frustrating. "Eren, please we need to think of something to say-"

"One more time! Are you human beings or titans?!" Foreman shouts for his final attempt, hair sticking up in crazy positions from the pure stress of it all. Armin and Mikasa look back to the sight of you and Eren huddled so close together, mid conversation. 

"I...I've always been....one of you." Eren says, quietly to the three of you before him. You nod your head next to him in agreement, "We can start with that. How are we gonna answer this? If we say the opposite thing..." You say, looking over your friends. This could be the last time the four of you are ever together, as people...

People.

"I'm human!" Like it was an instinct, both you and Eren shouted upwards at the exact same time to the group of Garrison members who squabbled their opinions on your lives. His voice rang louder, even as you pushed weight against him to yell as loud as you could with what little energy you had left. You just hope it was the right call.

And it wasn't.

Silence fell, only the sound of your labored breathing was all the four of you could truly focus on in terms of noises being sent in your direction, which was nothing.

"So you say. I'm left with no choice. When push comes to shove...all of us are monsters." And with that Foreman was raising his hand in the air, signaling the cannon above you four to be readied and fired. You even watched a soldier from behind position the cannon directly at you and Eren, watching from the distance as his eye lined up through the specter and made contact with your own. 

You'll remember his face.

Armin let out a shaky gasp and a nervous step back, Mikasa dropped her blades and turned on her heel, running directly at you and Eren. "Armin! Grab Y/n and head for the wall, I have Eren." She didn't need to tell Armin twice, as he turned around as well and scooped you up in his smaller arms while Mikasa grabbed Eren and threw him over her shoulder with much more grace. You could feel Armin struggling with your body, letting out a grunt. You made an irritated mental note that if the four of you make it out of this, you're gonna spend some one on one time with the blonde sparring or training, whatever would benefit him to increase his strength, because if anything like this were to happen again? It's just best to be prepared, you think. 

"Wait- No!" Eren yells, but he falls short due to Mikasa's grip. 

You saw a key fly out from under Eren's shirt, one that you knew was there but hardly ever saw. His eyes widened when he saw it too, like he had just remembered something extremely important. His following actions consisted of squirming against Mikasa's back, elbowing her to get out of her grip but grabbing her wrist as he ran towards you and Armin. He used his other hand to pull Armin by his jacket closer to him, sending you jostling through the air landing right against Eren's chest in the center of everyone. He held his arm around you with Armin still in it, gripping the two of you closer while pulling Mikasa in as well. He was shielding you all, but in this moment all you could do was listen to his heartbeat through his chest. It grew faster, and louder. Almost with purpose. 

The cannon fired, you closed your eyes shut tight and wrapped your arms around Eren and Mikasa while Armin's gripped around you in just the same way, flashes of the four of you hugging that night corroded your mind. If you're going to die, at least it'll be with a happy thought. That really was one of the best moments of your life, and now it's going to end with those same people in some fucked up last embrace. 

But it wasn't.

Eren brought his hand up to his mouth, curled fingers into a fist, and took a hard, gnarly bite down into his thumb. The air around you began to crackle, a flash of green and yellow just like before. He was protecting you three, and he was gonna do it with his _life_. 


	16. 16: Friendly Discourse to the Highest Degree

_What....the hell?_

Your heart felt like it was about to explode. Every passing beat felt like it was winding up to one huge explosion, like you were about to just give out right here and now on the spot. You were no longer being pushed against Eren's chest, instead you lay between Armin and Mikasa, who cling to the sides of...something hot. Slowly, your heartbeat slows back down again but this is still...weird. 

You heard Armin let out shaky breaths, from where you laid on the ground between the two of them. Eren's nowhere to be seen, but to be fair you can't exactly get up to go look for him, right? Your eyes struggle to focus, looking directly upwards. You feel something wet and warm drip out of the left corner of your mouth, trying to figure out what the hell it is you're staring at.

Because it looks like you're inside a titan, without the skin at least, or muscle. The ribcage is held together with very few tendons, muscle only where it's needed. Eren turned himself into a partial titan to catch the cannon ball that had been sent flying in the direction of the four of you, leaving this weird scary thing left in its wake.

_We got you your favorite, strawberry cake!_

"What the hell?" You mumbled, sitting upright and grabbing your forehead, it's like you're seeing someone else's memories again. You close your eyes, trying to recall everything. You know you saw important things while you were in the nape of your titan, but as soon as you got out everything disappeared. The only extremely clear things were that your parents lived in a big house, and had access to money. The house had hidden rooms, and there was a massive warehouse on the property next door. Not Luka and Samantha...but your actual real birth parents.

_Happy birthday to you...Happy birthday to you....Happy birthday dear Y/n, Happy birthday to you!_

Another weird memory, looking at a small child with h/c colored hair and a yellow dress, you saw there was nine candles on the cake that the young girl blew out, and judging by every bit of context, you're gonna take a wild guess and assume that young girl is you. You were looking around the room through someone else's eyes, this is really weird. There's no way that's possible, because you're right here inside a decomposing titan. To be honest, which one is worse though?

_Y/n go to your room and hide!_

"Y/n?" Mikasa's voice snapped you out of it, bringing your vision to everything around you. You went to go look at her, but your eyes fell on Armin who scooted himself backwards as far away from nothing as he could make himself. He must really be freaking out. He has every right to be, nonetheless. 

"What the hell just happened?" You asked, voice rasping out just barely. _Damn it, I'm really on my last leg,_ You thought to yourself, sitting upwards to try and see if you can spot Eren, not really any luck yet though. Everything is spinning, and you thought it was bad before the canon fired? Absolutely wrecked now. When Eren transformed into this weird half titan, you must have hit something which is the last thing you should be doing right now.

"Eren protected us, That's all we need to know." Mikasa said plainly while holding the hilt of her sword, you shake your head lazily to try and make yourself feel more awake but it doesn't work, and your eyes land on purple flowers that weren't there to begin with. Armin focused his attention on those flowers too, causing you both to look at each other with confused looks.

"These weren't here before, were they?" You asked the blonde, holding one of the violet flowers between your index and thumb, slowly plucking it out of the ground. 

_Coordinate_

_Coordinate_

_Coordinate_

You immediately dropped the flower and held your hands over your stomach, those words shot through your head at the same time a sharp pain on your left side did. There's one word you keep hearing over and over again that you've always been able to remember, and that word is coordinate. No clue what it means, honestly. 

"Maintain your distance!" Foreman shouts from across the steam, nobody can see him from this side. The four of you have the most privacy possible but only for a limited amount of time. You're still holding your stomach in pain as Mikasa slowly moves over closer to you, saying something to Armin to get him to snap out of being so alarmed. "All squads remain alert! They could strike at any time! Artillery crew, get that cannon reloaded!" He added, all you could do was sit here and listen while your brain plays tricks on you and your body falls apart. It doesn't make any sense why you're so beat up and Eren isn't. And that's not even to say Eren isn't in bad condition either, because he's not exactly great at the moment.

The sound of the bones slowly falling apart, muscle moving. Eren was right above everyone, it finally hit you as you looked directly upwards into the spine of the titan that had half formed to shield you all. You didn't see him very clearly, but you saw the bottom of the only boot he was still wearing kick the inside of the titan, as if he was trying to free himself while struggling.

You could hear him struggling from above you, grunting to squeeze himself out of his titan. The release of more steam came next, indicating that he successfully pulled himself out of the nape. "I-I heard them fire the cannon and then there was a loud crash- and then a blast of heat-" Armin started stuttering again, hands stretched out behind him to balance himself. Mikasa only repeated herself again, the only one able to think rationally right now seems to really just be her. 

"Armin, Y/n, Mikasa!" Eren shouted from behind you three, running around to everyone's left and stumbling before you all. He skids to a stop, a couple pebbles come sliding your way. His eyes land on you and your pathetic state, jaw opening slightly in concern. Somehow you had gotten even worse, even though it seemed you and Eren were able to heal yourselves, it was clear you needed immediate medical attention. When he transformed he was holding you to his chest, which means he must have dropped you onto the ground when he used his titan abilities. 

"Y/n can you stand up?" He asked, you tried to push yourself upwards on your hands but all you did was groan in pain as you felt something sharp around your ribs snap and jam through flesh, ripping through a piece of your shirt and allowing you to let out a pained yelp. You just broke a _rib_ trying to stand, there's absolutely no way you're going to be helpful in this situation. If anyone needs to rely on titan abilities, they have to look to Eren. 

"We might both be able to turn into titans at will, but I think there's something different about mine." You choked out through gritted teeth and eyes squeezed shut to ignore the pain. How many times have you healed your own body today without even realizing? Surely there has to be an amount that you can do before you fall apart. On top of that, you were in your titan form for hours. Eren seems to have more stamina than you do.

"How'd you-" Armin started, but Eren was rushed to your side, grabbing one of your arms and looping it over his shoulder to support you, pulling you into a huddle with everyone. Even your legs dragged behind you as Eren maneuvered your body. Everything just hurt so damn bad, you can feel your eyelids getting heavy as you think.

"I don't know how I did it, but it's already starting to vaporize just like a titans corpse. Let's get out of here- Shit, Y/n can't move, and I think she's bleeding out!" Eren yelled to Mikasa and Armin, your head lulling over backwards towards the skull of the titan. You had little to no support right now. Eren wanted to run out there and see what was going on so bad, but he felt like he was responsible for making your condition even worse.

"So....tired." You mumbled, closing your eyes for what felt like the first time in days.

"H-Hey...Y/n isn't awake." Armin said softly, reaching for your shoulders while Eren held you as upright as he could. The two boys laid you flat on the ground, looking at you as your shirt started to slowly soak up with more blood from the wound you just gave yourself on accident. Your eyes were closed, your jaw was slack. Mikasa ripped off one of her sleeves to her cadet uniform and then ripped it open once more for more surface area. She got to work quickly by taking off your shirt, and what little gear was left on you.

"What the hell?" Eren muttered, staring over your topless body with only a thin undershirt on. You were covered in scars that the three of them never even saw up until this moment, littering your torso like morbid confetti. Mikasa lifted up your undershirt all the way up to your breasts to keep you covered, your limbs heavy as she wrapped the jacket cloth under you.

"She has an exposed rib. I need to push it back in before I can dress her wounds. If your left arm and leg grew back, I'm not too worried about setting her rib wrong if it'll just fix itself." Mikasa said to Eren before gently placing her hand under your exposed rip that stuck out through torn skin. Armin put his hand over Mikasa's to stop her, opening his mouth to say something.

"Y/n isn't healing like Eren did, though. It might not be safe to do that, what if you just jam it into one of her organs on accident?" He immediately stuck his head on your chest, pressing his ear to the right side of it. He closed his eyes to focus more, unable to really hear anything. Instead he stuck his fingers on your neck where your pulse should be. His face twists up in defeat.

"She _barely_ has a pulse, if anything else happens to her this might be it. We can't do anything with her like this." Armin's voice is shaking, hands going from your neck to your hand. Your hand is even cold, compared to what it was when you first emerged out of your titan. Eren quickly got up and ran out to the edge of the steam to survey the area, get a gist on what to do now. 

Mikasa lowered your top, fully aware that if you were conscious that you wouldn't wanna be this exposed. Every touch she made on your skin was as gentle as she could be, though her fingers traced some of the heavier scars along your hip with a downwards face. She had been training you after the first year of knowing you, and not once did she ever see these scars on you. Two years of having to change clothes in the same area as you, and not once did she ever catch a look at what you were hiding under all that. Sure yeah, everybody has got some scars from training that's a given. But these seem like they were self inflicted, or someone did something to you that you haven't told them yet. 

She noticed something odd.

"Armin. She's lost a significant amount of fat under her skin, all I can see is muscle and tendon. If we hadn't seen her in about a week it would make sense, but a day?" She said, examining your arm. The muscles were smaller, but more prominent. It was the same way with your stomach when she saw it, too. You had abdominal muscles but the very pathetic looking six pack she saw just now? Not normal to attain in the span of a day. To be fair you still had the body of someone who could probably throw some punches and knock someone down, but this is significant. Armin and Mikasa talked to each other about you while Eren was looking out to come up with a plan.

"I didn't notice at first, but now that you say it...Do you think when she's in her titan that she has to use the current resources on her body? I don't know how to make sense of it, but it's the only likely answer I can think of. It could be why she isn't getting better like Eren did." Armin replied, and Mikasa nodded. There's no way the two would know for sure, but it's the only significant difference between you and Eren right now that makes a whole lot of sense.

_"Mommy- please don't- It's my birthday..."_

Armin and Mikasa looked at you while you twitched in your sleep, starting to mumble things to yourself. This isn't rare, both of them have been around you while you fell asleep somewhere where you shouldn't. At one point Ymir got so annoyed with what you were saying in your sleep that she asked Mikasa to switch dorms with her for the night, this has happened at least three times. But the way that your face twitches up in sadness and pain just makes them want to know what the hell it was that happened to you to get like this. It makes both of them wanna go have a talk with Samantha, your adoptive mother, just to see if they find anything useful out that you haven't spoken about. But that's crossing boundaries and they know better. 

Eren ran back, not gone for too long. 

"Once the steam clears they'll resume their attack, after seeing this, I think we've blown any hope of reasoning with them." He looked down at your body, seeing Armin hold your hand and intertwine all his fingers with your own made him uneasy. He didn't like at all the situation you were in, and he's not going to lie about it either, but it does make things much more complicated. He holds the key on his necklace around in his fist, remembering back to what he saw when Mikasa picked him up and the metal flew in front of his face like a grim reminder.

"Dad's cellar. I'm starting to remember, this key- our house in Shinganshina! My father said I have to go back there, everything inched on it. I think it's why he gave me the power to transform into a titan. If I can make it back to the cellar..." Eren started, looking away from his key and once again back to your body, a pained look covering his face. You looked like you were reliving something bad in your head that nobody else could see, and he thinks he gets it now. He's had weird dreams relatively rarely for the last five years, and now it makes sense why you do too if you're both able to turn into titans. Whatever this ability is, it also seems to screw with your memories or distort them completely. 

_No wonder she keeps the deep stuff to herself, she probably never even understood where it came from_ , he thinks to himself, wondering if he'll start to have similar dreams that you get too. As if you two couldn't be any more alike, something like this just happens.

"I might learn the titans secrets." He slammed his closed fist down onto one of the bones of the titan corpse, cracking it in the process. The sound made your face shrink up in your sleep, Armin gripping your hand tighter as if to let you know that you aren't alone. He's keeping a good check on your pulse every minute or so, making sure that it doesn't drop anymore than it already has. Not like he could do anything, their best hope would be CPR if you stopped breathing, and even then they might just mess you up more if they have to put pressure on your chest.

A small bit of steam started to rise out of the wound on your side, ever so slowly while you slept, your exposed rib started to inch back into your body. It was such a slow process that Armin didn't even notice it at first, but it's a massive relief for them all. If only you would heal faster, though. He still can't process that you broke your rib just trying to stand up, which means you probably have several hairline fractures on multiple bones in your body. Any attempt to push yourself might result in you breaking more bones.

"Why did he have to keep this stuff secret?! How many thousands of scouts have already died because my father didn't share this information, it could be the last chance humanity has!" Eren yelled, face unable to be seen. His shoulders shook as he expressed himself, clearly he's about to lose it if anything else happens.

"The answer's been hidden away under our house this entire time?! Is he insane? Damn him." Eren mutters, Armin and Mikasa stand up once they think that you're safe to be unwatched for a couple moments, both of them growing more and more concerned with Eren as the seconds pass. Not only do they need to deal with you, but now they need to make sure Eren doesn't end up unhinged in the next moments due to whatever it was his dad has secret. Something like this is definitely exactly what would rile up Eren.

"Eren, we have other issues to deal with right now." Mikasa runs up to him and slaps a hand onto his shoulder, clasping her fingers around it and gripping. She's giving him a look she doesn't have to give him too often, but it's enough to make him realize that she does have a point. "Right." The three of them run back to where you lay, hoisting up your body as gently as the three of them could, and drag you to a more steam filled section of the corner that the four of you are hiding in. They needed more coverage, and as your body slowly starts to heal itself you're only adding to it. At least you aren't completely useless right now.

"As soon as you see it- blast it!" A garrison member says,

"Hold your fire!" Foreman shouts as the vertebra on the massive titan snaps off, sending the skull crashing to the ground and more steam to rise in the air. All the noise being made makes you open your eyes slowly, and very dreadfully at that. You were being held by both Mikasa and Armin, while Eren sat in front of you with a dark look on his face. "What's going on right now, why's it so loud?" You complained with a tired voice, trying to lift your head up to keep eye contact with Eren's sharp green eyes but it was getting way too hard. 

"Listen, I'm getting out of here. Y/n is also a titan like me, I'd bring her with if she wasn't in such critical condition." Eren stated, both Armin and Mikasa adjusted where they sat and shot him a shocked look. "Eren- What?" "Where are you gonna go?" Both voices interjected, all you could do was lean on your two friends and make any attempt to understand what he meant by leave. 

"Anywhere but here. I'll head over the wall and straight to Shinganshina, but I'll have to become a titan again. This time I'll be a fifteen meter class just like before." His voice sounds crazy, almost. You look up at him through your eyebrows as greasy hair falls in your face. You see his nose bleeding finally, like it was just waiting to happen.

"Yeah? And what do you think they'll do to me? Mikasa and Armin might be safe if they stop trying to protect us, but you said it yourself. I'm in no condition to go anywhere. They'll either kill me, or dissect me. You'll get away to your old place, though right?" You asked, choking up spit as Eren wiped the blood off his nose. Mikasa and Armin said something about it, but his response was something along the lines of his health doesn't matter right now. The obvious hurt in your voice was easy for him to pick up on, causing him to return it in favor.

"I won't let them. I'll circle back for you when it gets dark, just stay alive until then. You were asleep when I was talking about the cellar, but I think the secret to titans is in there." He started, but you just rolled your eyes and tried to hold yourself up, to no avail.

"Who says I have that much time, Eren? I can't use my titan right now, I'm literally useless. I'm going to die if something of a miracle doesn't-"

"You're not dying today, damn it!" Eren shouts at you, grabbing your shoulders and shaking you. It hurts when he does it, you cringe in pain and grit your teeth as the motions rock your body, sending your head in dizzy spells enough to keel over and throw up steaming vomit right before his knees. All you had to do was open your mouth and it was like a river of red and white bile just escaped past your lips. The steam was so hot that it started to burn into the concrete, causing you to lurch forwards and arch your back as it just kept coming out, more and more.

"You sure- about that?" You ask sarcastically, wiping your mouth once you were sure everything was out. Eren doesn't even give you a response, annoyed that you keep persisting on the idea that your death is always somehow sooner than everyone else's. It's the one thing he genuinely can't stand to tolerate about you. 

"I've brought the three of you nothing but trouble as it is, I'm doing this on my own from this point forwards-"

"Would you just shut up? _Eren shut the fuck up!_ You haven't brought us trouble- I don't know why you insist that! If anything _I'm_ the one bringing you guys trouble. If it weren't for me, you could have taken everyone over the wall already!" You shouted at him, unable to look at him. Though the two of you are so similar, it's just as easy to get into an argument with him because of how hypocritical the two of you can both be when it comes to stuff like this. Things you both apply to yourselves that you wouldn't let slide if other people did it. 

"Eren, I'm coming too." Mikasa stated as Armin tried to speak, "No way." He retorted, same dark look he had just shot you. Armin watched and listened as the three of you yelled at each other, Eren would say something that set you off, you'd yell at him for it, and Mikasa refused to go anywhere without him. It was all so overwhelming for the blonde, especially watching you and Eren start to go at it. 

"You're being so _selfish_ , Eren." You seethed out, steam rising off your body like crazy now.

"How is this selfish?! I'm doing this _for_ you three! I'll circle back at night for you-"

"I'm not leaving you-!" Mikasa shouted once again, saying that she wasn't going to go anywhere without him.

"I'm not your kid brother or some snot nosed toddler, Mikasa!"

"How do you know if I'll even be alive by then?! You might come back too late-"

"Do you WANT to die or something, Y/n?! Sure sounds like it-"

"Screw you, Eren!"

"You first!" 

"Stop it!" Armin yelled, watching as you had pulled your fist back about ready to drive it at Eren's face, the tears that streamed down your cheeks made everyone be quiet in addition to Armin's yelling. You couldn't hold it back anymore, burying your face in your hands and sobbing into them. You didn't want to be fighting with Eren, ever, but especially not right now. You hate fighting with Eren more than anyone on this planet, because the two of you don't know when to stop. Sure everything ends up okay the following week, but in the moment when it's happening? Torture. It's like looking in a broken mirror. And he won't say it, but he feels the same way when it comes to arguments with you.

 _I don't want our last conversation to be like this...I care about you all, but Eren why are you doing this?! You're so special to me, and all I can do is sit here and insult you?!_ You didn't dare speak those thoughts, not wanting to acknowledge out loud that you consider Eren special. You're such a fool, these past three years spitting on the idea of falling in love with someone while being a soldier, just for you to fall in love with not one, not two, but three people. What's the real difference between friends and lovers when you live in a world like this?! Love is the right word to use, too! You do love them, all of them. You intentionally went out of your way to become closer to them to the point that it hurt to be so intimate with them. You're no different then those people you and Eren gave a hard time. 

"Don't make me say some sappy shit or I swear to god I'll break your wrist, Eren. I'm sorry for saying those things to you but _come on_...-"

"You're not breaking Eren's wrist." Mikasa said, as if Armin never spoke up to shut you three up to begin with. You groaned loudly, wiping tears off your face and digging your palms into your eyes, straightening your back as much as you could before yelling out to Mikasa.

"It's a figure of speech! I'm not gonna hurt him! Holy shit, Mikasa don't take me so _literal_ -Uh oh no...I'm sorry I didn't mean to- _shit._ You're the last person I could yell at like that..." You panted at the end, running out of breath. Any minute now you felt like you would just pass out again. Apart of you is expecting Mikasa to backhand you, but she just scoffs in your direction for a brief moment, but the look on her face isn't true to the action she just gave you. You could tell without her having to say it that's she's sorry, and she knows you're sorry too.

"You two need to stop arguing, I have a second idea." Eren said calmly, as if out of nowhere. God that really made your blood boil, pitting you and Mikasa against each other when you both knew neither of you meant what just happened. Did he even realize what he did when he said that, the implication that carried?! Or was it all just in your head. 

"Eren you piece of-" You started, but he shook his head to stop you from continuing.

"You can tell me later, if the second idea goes according to plan. You'll have the chance to say whatever you want to me after words, but for now just put it behind you." _Stop acting like such a scumbag! It's hard to give a damn when you don't care about anything but getting out of here alone- Wait did he just say I'll have the chance to tell him later? As in, he won't be dissappearing on us?_ Your thoughts served as a response, knowing he'd never hear them. You held your breath for a moment, and then sighed it out. Ready to continue this conversation, with what little time you all have left.

Without another word, Eren looked over to Armin. He kept that same serious look, though it seemed more loosened in this moment when looking at his long term childhood friend, someone he's known longer than Mikasa and you.

"Armin. I trust you to make the right decision." Eren said matter of factly, causing the boy who tried to help out earlier sit more upright, more focused. He seemed deep in thought the last few moments, trying to piece things together while keeping you three from tearing each others throats out. He worried if this was going to be the last way the four of you remember each other, for a moment there. The thought of you all _hating each other_ was almost as bad as all of you dying, for some reason. 

"Now hear me out, and yes I'm aware of how unrealistic this plan I'm about to tell you is. The best case scenario, I try to use my titan abilities for humanity. We prove that Y/n is no threat, either. Once she's healed up me and her can do everything in our power to use our abilities strategically under military direction. That is, if she agrees. I won't force her to do something that she doesn't want-"

"I'll do it. Whatever it takes to get us out of here alive. If I have to be an item of the military to make that happen? Whatever. They can own me for all I care." You said with anger in your voice, the words were one thing, but you didn't feel that way at all. You wanted more than anything to be your own person, someone who could prove they could be a respectable soldier. You wanted to be strong and reliable, someone who did good things for the right reasons. But being an object owned by this corrupt kingdom, in the military? You have a feeling you're not gonna get much say on things in the future, and having the choice has always been something you invested the most in your life. But you'll throw it all away if it means the four of you all get to keep living in each others lives.

"Armin, if you think you can convince the Garrison regimen right here and now, that Y/n and I present no threat to them? I'll trust you and we'll go with that option. That's my second idea." He said, making you irritated that he didn't just start with that idea, instead of wasting everyone's time by starting a conversation that put everyone at each others throats. This really could have been solved by now if Eren didn't have to be so moody and declare he was running away.

"If you don't think you can get it done, then my last resort is the first idea, you've got about fifteen seconds to decide. think you can get it done? Listen, I'll respect your opinion either way." Eren finished, leaning forwards to get a better more clear look at Armin. It was like he was having trouble seeing right in front of him. 

You looked at Armin, and mustered up the only smile you could in this moment.

"Hey, I've always got faith in you. I'm in your corner no matter what, Armin. You just gotta go stand in ours for a minute, that's all. I truly do believe in you." Not even telling him that you don't think he can do it, Eren did it because he doesn't want to make Armin feel like he's being forced into something, but you?

You know He can do it. Armin, this is his exact moment to shine. And you knew it. You just hope you can stay awake long enough to see it happen, it would be a shame if you didn't.


	17. 17: Running on Empty

_Come on Armin, I know you can do it. You're the only one who can. I believe in you._

"Why would you leave something like this up to me?" Armin asked, completely stunned. The steam around the four of you was slowly dissipating as the seconds creeped by, almost painfully. You couldn't focus your eyes past the fog, it hurt to try and force it to happen. Even your hearing seemed somewhat faded, like the longer you kept trying to force yourself to stay awake the worse it got.

You kept going back and forth between being passed out and being awake, the only real progress you got on recovering your damaged body was when you weren't conscious. But you needed to see this through, you had to. Just a moment ago you were smiling at Armin, and right before that you and Eren were raising your voice at each other. You don't know how you managed to muster up the strength to be about ready to clock him in the jaw, but you hope that if you need to rely on that energy again you can use it in the right way. Not against Eren, though. Obviously.

"Because you keep a level head. You always choose well, no matter how ugly things get. I figure that's worth relying on. I'm not the only one who thinks so, either." Eren gestured to both you and Mikasa, if you could muster up that smile again you'd do it if you could. Though there is the concern that no matter how persuasive Armin is, even if he says all the right things, the Garrison might just be too scared to listen. But, you have hope. If there's a will, there's a way.

"When have I ever done that?" Armin asked, voice almost shaky in uncertainty. You really wish that he would see himself the way the three of you see him, and you hope that someday he will. No, you know he will. He'll come around, maybe today will be that push even.

"Come on, you do it all the time. Take five years ago for example, If you hadn't gone to Hannes for help, Mikasa and I would have been eaten by the titans." As if it was a sudden revelation to Armin, he let out a sharp gasp as a section of the titan carcass right behind him snapped off, bone splintering into the ground right before sending a loud, and heavy thud around the four of you. You watched his hair blow back from behind, that look on his face too. The gust of hot air smacked you in your skin, making everything feel much more real, even if it hurt.

Armin seemed to be lost in thought, with that same look on his face even still. The sound of a metal pin being slid into the cannon holster rang throughout the four of you, it was a small, yet subtle noise. But nonetheless, it was your grim reminder. Everyone noticed it, Eren had told Armin that his time was up, and that he needed to chose. And that no matter what he chose, he was going to respect it. The three of you put your faith in his hands, and he had the trust for you three, that was enough for him. The fact alone was all that he needed. And with that thought, Armin stood up. 

And he stood so tall, too. 

"I will persuade them. You guys trust me, that's all I need. You three just act as non aggressively as you can, agreed?" Armin was met with the three of you nodding to him, not even needing to use words to confirm what he was doing. He turned on his heel so quickly, with so much determination, not a single drop of doubt could be sensed coming off of him. None that you could tell, at least. And to be fair, you've gotten pretty good at reading Armin over these last three years. 

His footsteps echoed off the walls, allowing you, Mikasa, and Eren to listen with anticipation. It was like he was banging a drum to his own victory, declaring it before it had started. Each step was one second closer to getting the people he loved out of this situation. Every step was filled with passion, and vigor. He hasn't had nearly enough time to collect his thoughts, but Armin talks on the fly like it's nobody else's business. Put that in the combination with the lives of his friends, nothing can stop that boy now. Not even his own anxiety and self doubt. 

The clattering of his gear hitting the ground was the final beat, followed by a skid of his boots. He had dropped everything on him that would make him look like he was going to cause trouble. "Going in empty handed was smart." You said softly, gripping your fist in a ball, waiting for him to come out on top. 

"Is this supposed to be your true form, monster?" Armin was out of sight, but you could hear Foreman shout in his nervous disposition, just picturing the way his face scrunched up while speaking made you feel nauseated. These people are so quick to judge, apart of you gets why. But maybe you're just thinking like this because you're on the other side of the barrel. You'd try to imagine what it would be like, being put in that power that Foreman was in right now. He had every right to be nervous, but glossing over the potential to boost humanity with the power of their most sworn enemy from right underneath them? Ludacris.

Even you would give it a shot, or so you'd think. But you have a bias, you can't say for sure what you'd actually do. These people have done nothing but suffer due to the titans their whole lives, you've only experienced their ruthlessness for five years. Some of these people fought for five years without stopping, to you? You could never understand the fear they taste when the words 'Titan's are attacking' escape their lips. The idea is enough, though. You can experience it a couple times, but this was their whole life. You could never compare, not yet. 

But someday, you will. _And oh god would you regret thinking such a thing,_ as if asking the gods or whatever is above to show you themselves what it was that you know so little about in comparison. You'd one day eat the words you never even spoke. The crime of a passing thought is real, when it comes to fate screwing people over sometimes.

And fate sure seemed to have it out for you, huh. Not just you, but your friends too. You thought that your first day in the cadet corps was the altering life changing event you had to put yourself through. But little did you know, that it was actually going to be today. The events that happen after today, would all fall back on this one moment. 

You look between Mikasa and Eren, searching their faces for any sign of doubt. They had none, just like you. But they were just as unaware as you were about everything that's going to happen after today. If only you all knew, right? 

"Eren and Y/n are not foes of humanity! We're willing to corporate with military command and share what we've learned about their powers!" His voice was just as strong as his stride, something about listening to Armin speak with conviction really lights a fire under your ass given the right circumstances. 

"He's really doing it." You said to the two before you, "Of course he is." Mikasa said flat out. 

"Your pleas fall on deaf ears, they revealed their true forms, and because of that the two of them cannot leave here alive! If you insist that he isn't an enemy of ours, show me proof! Otherwise, we'll blast them back to whatever nightmare they crawled out of." That mans voice was beginning to get under your skin, you're sure that you're gonna hear it in your head for the next couple weeks. Same with that made who made eye contact with you when lining the cannon, you'll always remember his face. You hope somewhere in your heart, that maybe that man will see you and Eren in action one day, and regret loading that cannon. The feeling of that mans life being held in the hands of the two beings that he complied with attempting execution, something about it made you want to work harder. Made you want to prove what you're capable of. Showing everyone in these walls that doubt you and Eren that the sacrifice of their fear filled thoughts weren't for nothing, if all they could do was put a little faith in the two of you.

_So this is how I become a respectable soldier, isn't it? Well, I never thought it'd be like this._ You think to yourself, flipping almost a complete 180 to what you had said previously. You had stated to Eren that you didn't care how this military uses you, that it didn't matter that you'd just become a weapon of the kingdom for their own gain. You can't say for sure that your thoughts have changed on the possibility of some of your freedoms being taken away, that's only obvious. People like you and Eren- People who can turn into titans, are surely enough to have some privilege's stripped just because of the power you hold. Because they're afraid.

People are afraid of what they don't understand. But, isn't it worse for the same people to be afraid of what they do understand? A mindset like that means you're locked in your own prison. At least having fear over what you can't comprehend is a strong sense of self preservation, an internal battle to stay alive even if it means making the wrong calls at some points. So now, you really do think you get why Foreman is acting so brashly, it makes sense. But, you again couldn't tell if you'd do the same thing. Your bias really...does put you at a disadvantage of truly trying to understand the world they've lived in. 

Is that what the philosophy of fear can really boil down to? Staying alive, or staying a victim. Coming out on top, or allowing yourself to be buried in the rubble of uncertainty driven by torment. The true test, is seeing which one the Garrison will chose. Will they decide to climb to the peak, or will they allow themselves to dig even further into the unknown just because it feels safer to them. No, safe isn't the right word. Comfortable?

"Y/n, you good?" Eren nudged your shoulder as gently as he could, seeing you in such deep thought. You must have had a pretty bleak expression on your face to make him stirp his attention away from Armin like that, seeing as he's the one everyone's got their eyes on. Mikasa didn't even notice your perplexed disposition. 

"Huh? Oh. Guess I'll get to tell you later, when we're out of here." You said back, if you could nudge his shoulder right now you definitely would. But you don't wanna risk any unnecessary movements, you'd absolutely hate it if you missed the rest of Armin's conversation. 

"You don't need any proof!" Armin took a pause, you really wish you could see him through all this steam right now. Hearing it is one thing, but wow you really wish you could witness it too. 

"The fact of the matter is we perceive him to be! The reports say hundreds of soldiers saw him, and those who were there say they saw him fighting other titans, and that means they saw him get swarmed by the titans as well!" Everyone in the Garrison went quiet, as if some soldiers couldn't deny the true and utter fact that what Armin had just shouted was not a lie.

"To put it plainly, the titans saw him the same way they see each and every human being- _as their prey_! It doesn't matter how else you look at it, that is an irrefutable fact that you can't begin to deny!" Armin seemed to be getting through to some soldiers, as you can hear some of them mumble things between each other. One voice saying that he's got a point, and then followed by the sound of swords lowering as they clanged together with their holsters. 

Unbeknownst to your eyes, Foreman grew more anxious the more Armin spoke. His greasy brown hair stuck to his forehead by the sweat that dripped down it from stress, his breathing became labored. His eyes faltered several times between the blonde before him and the ground, occasionally looking in the direction of the cannons.

"Prepare to attack, don't let yourself be persuaded by his cunning lies!" _Fuck._

The three of you behind the steam all shared the same look, shooting it at each other as if asking if this was really happening. _Fear is to either come out on top, or crumble under the weight of the unknown._ You wiped the look off your face as quickly as it came, you aren't going to sit here and wait for the worst if it happens. You have to come out on top, and not alone. You have to come out on top with Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. People like them belong at the top, and so do you.

You raised your hand to your mouth, preparing for the worst. Eren caught you in the corner of his eye, his look from what he heard from Foreman only deepened more once he realized what you were about to do. You saw Eren do it like this, by sticking his thumb to his mouth and then biting down. The moments seemed to pass by in slow motion, teeth connecting with your skin, the pressure slowly digging down deep into the second joint on your thumb that connects it to your hand.

"Y/n, stop it! You're in no shape to do that- Armin said we can't do anything brash right now!" He shouted at you in a whisper, reaching for your hand that you ever so slowly had brought up to your lips, watching blood start to ripple out of the flesh in one or two drops.

"Relax. I'm only going to do it if I have to. I'm just getting prepared for it. It's not that I don't trust Armin, it's that I don't think I can trust _them_. Do you hear them? They're terrified. Reasonably so, but it's making them unreasonable at the same time. If this is our last resort, I've no issue pushing my body past it's final limit to secure our well being. I don't have to do much, All I'd have to do is dig a hole right under us in my titan form and then block it off. I'll use my last bit of energy to run to Armin and grab him first before doing that if it's our last option." You said as calmly as you could, but you truly didn't know if you could even pull through with an action like that. You didn't know if you had the energy to do it. But one thing you did have, was the willpower. You'll force your body to it's core of fight or flight, and every time you'll choose to fight.

"I'm done sitting here on my ass, I've done nothing this entire time. If this is the last time I'm ever able to use my titan ability because of this, well I think it'll be worth it. I'm sure you agree, Eren. So there's no point in telling me that I'm wrong. It's just like Foreman said, _your pleas fall on deaf ears._ " You couldn't help the smirk that graced your lips, putting your thumb dangerously close to your teeth again for Eren's comfortability. Eren in this moment understood that no matter what he said to you, nothing could change your mind. 

So instead he held the same goal in the back of his mind, even as he let out a frustrated sigh. Sometimes, he really doesn't know what to do with you. Anything he says right now will just be used against him in the future when he pulls some similar stunt like this, and you'll be dammed if the four of you don't get that experience. You long for the days that come now, hoping you get the luxury of being able to argue with your friends like this. Such a dumb small thing, but right now? You don't know what you'd do without it. Because deep down, all that frustration and hypocrisy will always stem from the same place. And that place is the home you've built in the hearts of your friends.

"I won't let you go down fighting alone."

"As expected. So if that means we're both gonna work towards it, worst case scenario they're too terrified to hear Armin out all the way through. I said I'd run and get Armin before digging us into a hole, but now that I know you're with me, I can save my energy and let you run and grab him instead. So that way I can get a head start on the trench. I'd rather be safe than sorry. If I can't get back up after I've dug us deep, you need to be able to cover the hole. You'll be exposed to their cannons for a brief moment, do you think you could do that?" You whispered to him quietly so Mikasa wouldn't hear, there's no way she'd allow something like that right now.

Give her a few moments of witnessing the situation unfold, sure she'd be on board. But it's too early to tell. Not when you're putting Eren's life at risk, because that's exactly what you're doing. You wouldn't be asking him to do such a thing though, if not for you putting your own in that state of jeopardy either. Truthfully, you don't know if you'll survive it if this scenario happens. 

"You sound just like Armin, that's a good plan. We sure got lucky that your titan can dig, I've never even heard of that before. I'm sure that's a nightmare for most people especially in the interior walls." He said softly, matching your quiet tone as if he picked up on your concern of Mikasa not being able to get behind this plan in this exact moment. If it didn't involve you asking Eren to expose himself to potential direct cannon fire, she'd probably have no qualms. You didn't feel good about putting Eren's future on the line, either. But you all need to be prepared for if the worst happens. You just hope that you won't have to be forced into that situation.

"Then lets prove that we're not nightmares. We can be the dreams these people have sought after for so long." You stuck out your fist, immediately Eren collided his with yours while holding a serious look on his face. This was the first time you'd created a plan this elaborate with Eren, or anyone for that matter honestly. And he just compared you to Armin? Not even close. But it's the sentiment that matters, right?

Even as your head grew dizzy while your stomach churned, you were ready. You just didn't want to have to do it. The real worst case scenario here would be that you can't get into your titan form, and Eren goes ahead and turns into a titan anyways. They'd shoot their cannons and he'd be done for trying to grab Armin, and you and Mikasa would be the only two targets left. It's not just Eren's life your putting on the line...it's everyone's.

Even the people around you, what if you get into your titan form and can't control it? Maybe that's the real worst case scenario, that you go berserk without any real thought process and accidentally kill everyone here, or what if Eren does it? Those first words you heard Eren say earlier still ring very clear in your ears, 'You're all gonna die.' There's a real risk here at stake. And you can't act like that doesn't exist.

_No! Have faith in yourself the same way you have faith in the people around you, damnit!_

 _"_ The titans behavior has always been beyond our comprehension! I wouldn't put it past him to assume human form, he's even speaking our language, in an attempt to deceive us!" With every new word that slipped out of Foreman's mouth like poison dripping off a blade, you grew more anxious that you'd actually have to go through with this plan. You trust Armin to your full abilities, put him in front of a well mentally stabled person and his persuasion would no doubt get through. But you didn't take into consideration the stability of Foreman from the get go, and you really should have, Eren should have too. If Armin fails at this, it was not his fault. You wouldn't even consider it a failure, more like a miscalculation. He's only human, and so is Foreman.

"I REFUSE TO LET THIS BEHAVIOR GO UNCHECKED!" Louder than he had ever been before, the sounds of blades clashing against gear was brought back up again, making your face deepen in a frown at the sound you had just recently considered a blessing. Now it only serves as a death bell, ringing in an empty church.

"Please..." You whispered, looking over to Mikasa and seeing the absolute mortified look on her face. You grimaced, taking in a sharp inhale as you felt the pain all throughout your body only worsen. You kept your hand close to your mouth this whole time, Eren too. The both of you didn't wanna have to actually go through with this plan that had so many flaws, but it was the best you were gonna get.

Foreman is all too unreasonable in his current mental state, and the people he has under his control will blindly follow due to being influenced by that same fear he had. Spreading it like a virus. Guess that's what fear can turn into, right? It might be irrational to some, he sure is acting that way, but you truly do want to understand why the man is like this. Refusing to invite positive change that would benefit humanity in the best way possible. The anger you have for him isn't even there like it was before, now you just want to know why he thinks like this. Because if he thinks like this...so do others, and not just regular soldiers either. People who hold power, those who decide for the good of the people. If you can't get the understanding of them...how will any of this ever be worth it?

_Breathe, let Armin continue. It's not over till the cannons fire, right?_

Suddenly, you felt calm. Armin looked back, and the faces of the friends he knows closely all changed their expressions at the right time for him to witness it. Composed, respectful. It was just the boost he needed in this exact moment. Out of your side view, you watched as Eren dropped his hand back to his side, as if signaling for you to do the same. You followed his actions completely, the brunette gave a firm nod to his blonde companion. 

"I AM A SOLDIER!" He slammed his fist into his chest with the most tenacity you've ever seen, even hearing it from here as if it was the most clear thing in the world. The steam had faded at just the right moment, giving you full view of him. He looked so brave in this moment, if he ever doubts himself on something you're sure to bring this up. 

"-AND I HAVE DEDICATED MY HEART TO THE RESTORATION OF HUMANITY, SIR! NOTHING COULD MAKE ME PROUDER THAN DYING FOR SUCH A NOBLE CAUSE! IF WE WERE TO USE THEIR TITAN ABILITY, AND COMBINE IT WITH THE MANPOWER THAT WE HAVE LEFT, I BELIEVE WE CAN DO IT! WE CAN RETAKE THIS CITY-"

_What?! What does he mean by that?! Retake the city?! It's not like we're in Shigansheena, we're in Trost, right?! Or at least right next to it? Shit, do I seriously not know the full extent of what happened?! I know titans were here but- oh god...my mom...my dad...my house..._

Your face dropped instantly. You knew something had gone down, but you had no idea...that the city was totally over run. Nobody had exactly filled you on on all of the details, you knew you were controlling your titan, piloting that being on pure instinct alone. The pure adrenaline mixed with occasionally falling unconscious really took the context out of your head and you didn't even think twice about it. Or did you know and just forgot about it in the heat of the moment?! You were so preoccupied with trying to get Eren to understand what was going on earlier, did you even take into account how this came to be?

What the hell happened before all this?! You remember the sounds of people screaming, what happened before all that? You're trying to get yourself to think, completely tuning out what Armin was saying as everything started flooding back to you. Everything from the moment you woke up this morning. It was just hours ago that you were in the city of Trost seeing off the scouts with Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. You stayed back to talk to Hannes about that soldier named Adam who saved you that day, you even remember the pocket watch now. Fumbling in whatever pockets are left, struggling to find an item that you don't know for sure is there. Something cold and metal, shaped like a circle with a bump on the end touches your finger. 

Clasping the watch in your hand and closing your eyes, trying your best to recall those moments after you turned away from Hannes to catch up with your three friends. _Come on...think._

You were running down the street, Mikasa was just barely in sight, something happened in between that time. Your arms and legs weren't attached to your body when you woke up, you literally saw your limbs on a pile in front of you! There's no way you could have used your titan ability without some serious internal strength in a position like that, you even remember how it felt when your joints started to grow new bone, now. Someone did that to you, and they did it in the small amount of time that it took for you to almost catch up to Mikasa. They had to be adept with blades, _pairing blades_.

A sharp phantom pain cut through your shoulders and the mid section of your thigh, feeling like blades slicing through your flesh but not with ease. A thought of someone bumping into you while you passed one of the empty alleys in between the space that closed between you and Mikasa. A big person, someone with muscular composition. The smell of a musky burlap sack filled your nostrils, all of your sense just seemed to be going nuts in this particular moment as you dug deep into the back of your mind, for any answer that could solve the question at hand. Someone had done this to you on purpose, and they did it _knowing that it wouldn't kill you_. You can't make out a face, or a voice, but you felt it. If they did this to kill you, why would they just slice your limbs off and stick you in some closet in a random building, and then gag you? There'd be no use for the gag if they thought you'd die from injuries like that!

_"-IN WHAT LITTLE TIME I HAVE LEFT TO LIVE, I WILL ADVOCATE FOR THEIR STRATEGIC VALUE!"_ Armins final sentence snapped you back to reality, your hands subconsciously went to your thighs where the new hem of your pants was made into sloppy tears. The threads were halfway pulled out, this was done with force. It wasn't a clean cut, looking at all the jagged rips in your white pants. There were random bits of brown straps connected to nothing, hanging on just by what they were weakly attached to. The way they cut your limbs in such a way was pre-meditated, but the proof left in your torn uniform pants was all the information that you needed to understand that you put up a fight whenever it happened.

This isn't the time to think about it.

"Captain foreman...his words are worth considering, sir." You had hope in your heart, you didn't hear what was just said fully, but you were able to make it out. "Maybe we should-" He continued, and your hope was stifled.

"QUIET!" He was raising his hand upwards to signal canon fire. This is it, the plan has to act and it has to act _now_! Throw caution to the wind, sacrifice everything on this one plan because it's all you got. You quickly raised your hand to your mouth, Eren doing the same. He leaned forwards off his heels, aiming directly for Armin. Armin turned around, a look on his face you didn't wanna see, but you did anyways. One action leading to the next, you sunk your teeth into your hand with more speed than Eren did, maybe you weren't as calm as you thought after all.

You listened to the joint pop, or maybe crack? Blood slowly filled your palm, drop by drop. You felt the air around you crackle intensely, electric feeling like it's running through bones starting at your spine where the back of your neck is, intensifying in that one particular spot. The nape of your neck. Eren hadn't got that far yet, you clearly jumped the gun even though you had a late reaction. Your whole body flushed with burning hot pain, your thumb where you bit down broke against the rest of your hand. The loud snapping sound was all the indication that your next objective was to get underground as fast as possible, and to do it now.

It didn't happen, and for the next moments that came into fruition you're so thankful that it didn't, and you're even more thankful that Eren didn't get as far as you did. Instead you keeled over completely on your face in front of everyone, hands making any attempt at bracing yourself that they could, but failing miserably. Your head smashed into the ground, a loud crack sounding throughout the two of your friends right next to you as your nose made contact with the ground first, breaking it into your face. You got lucky with the angle you fell at, anything more pointed upwards and the cartilage would have been sent straight into your brain.

With the next few exchanges of words that you hear without the aid of your vision, you're able to drift off into an actual decent sleep after they fade into your ears. Sleep wouldn't really be the right word for it, this is gonna be one hell of a concussion when you wake up however.

"That's enough. You should really do something about your nervous disposition, Captain Foreman."

"C-Commander Pixis-!"

"Can you not see this soldiers heartfelt salute? I've only just arrived but I'm quite aware of the situation. Gather our reinforcements, I think the least we could do these young soldiers the favor of hearing them out."

You don't even know the amount of bullshit you're gonna get from this act yet later, your three friends are surely gonna have some bones to pick with you for actually pushing yourself on complete empty. But it's the fact that they get to live another day to do that, that's what actually really matters right now, right?

_I did good today, I think_


	18. 18: Repressing Memories

_"Y/n! Sweetheart, open the door!"_

_"_ N-No." You stuttered, frail voice as little fingers wrapped around the cold doorknob. You shoved a broken hairpin into the locking mechanism before running into the room, both your parents chasing behind you. The smell of burning candlewick from the other side of the door dissipated, and so did the strawberry cake. It was replaced with copper and soot.

_"_ You're just gonna put me back in the quiet room!" You yelled at the door, shoving your forehead into the firm white painted wood, gold accents reflecting off the light in the room. Your window was open, sending a small breeze in. The sounds of the big apple tree that stood right outside, the leaves shaking off frail branches as the seasons changed rapidly as if by each passing second. One moment it was winter, the next it was summer. But your parents never left the foot of your door, their banging continuing more desperately as each second passed. The screams, the yelling, they were begging for your help. 

Over time they sounded more desperate, willing to say anything to get you to open the door. It had started to crack down the middle, just a little. Showing you the true brown shade of wood used to make the door in the first place, hidden under the eggshell white. Splinters broke out, proving to you that the door was in a state of distress and about to break any moment. 

"Why am I not allowed to remember!?" You shouted, stepping back. What was once a nice yellow dress covering the body of a child, had turned into a cadet's uniform in perfect condition. Your small, young body was no longer that of a child, instead one of a young teenager. As you are now. 

"Why can I understand another language that nobody else here gets?" Nobody answered, the other side of the door fell quiet. Like guilt.

"What was in that syringe, why was it _moving_?" Nothing. Not even faint breathing.

"What am I supposed to come home to, where is this place?!" Now you were the one sounding desperate, the sun was setting yet somehow a ray of light peeked through your open windows, the white curtains flying in the wind. That ray of light was beamed directly at the keyhole of the doorknob, the only window to the outside of this room besides the wilderness behind you.

"You said I'm not a warrior, or a soldier, but that I'm a Goliath. What does that even mean, mom, dad?" With a cracking voice, you chose this time to look around the room you had once remembered so vividly. You had so many things, so many items to consider clutter. You had an abundance of toys and art projects, random instruments littered the room along with various toys for pets. On your desk, held a water tank with beautiful colored fish. Your bed was covered in stuffed animals and thick blankets, multiple pillows of different sizes. In the middle of it all was a white cat, with long luxurious fur and a blue bow as a collar. 

"What is an Eldian, why do I have to prove that we, or they, aren't devils, nothing you told me makes any goddamn sense!" It was obvious that before Samantha and Luka adopted you, you came from a life of privilege. Even the voice you were speaking in right now didn't sound like your own, it sounded borrowed. You weren't speaking in the language of the land of the walls, the words that came out of your mouth were of your native tongue. You just wanted to know where it came from.

"You said that the warriors aren't my allies, who are they?! You said I'm the same as they are, but that's not true, is it? There's something wrong with me, this isn't right!" Dropping to the ground before the door and landing on your knees, the joints popped under the pressure of your weight being sent down so fast. Cradling your body around your arms, everything just felt so hopeless.

"You guys told me to bring you the coordinate...I don't even know what that is. You wanted me to break something, but you never told me what it was. What was I supposed to break?" You whispered, tears curving around the base of your eyes, dropping to the hardwood floor without so much as a blink. You were forced to watch as your tears slowly started to form am small puddle before you, forcing yourself to stare at your own reflection. Big, e/c eyes with raw skin around them, surrounded by brown fur. Your lips were thin and torn, blood shown easily in massive, yellowish pointed teeth. This wasn't you, but it also was. This animal you were staring at stared back at you, with a look of nothing but regret. Even it seemed to be crying. This beast looked like it had just done something horrible, there was so much blood around it's mouth, pieces of skin. Human skin. Even hair stuck out between some of the teeth, long locks of h/c strands. It was like it just got done consuming someone, in such a horrific way. 

For a moment, you could taste blood in your mouth, feeling hair in the back of your own throat, bone crushing between your teeth. 

Violet flowers grew out of the splinters of the door, weaving into a long vine that wrapped around your body. Someone had started knocking on your door, this time. Nobody spoke back and the silence was too uncomfortable for you to bare any longer. Your body rock and shook, swayed from one side to the next. Yet the dainty purple flowers continued to grow around your body, as if protecting you from your own self. 

"Why did you have to hurt me so bad. I don't wanna go back to the quiet room again, you said that's where the bad kids went...I-I'm not a bad kid! I did everything you told me to, I stayed away from the outside, please just tell me what am I supposed to do?!" The knocking stopped, for a brief moment. It didn't feel like your parents were outside that door any longer, instead two pairs of heavy boots rested right outside of the crack on the bottom. Your uniform was no longer in perfect condition, both your own boots missing. You sat there barefoot, and your white pants that once covered every inch of your legs left you bare from the mid-section of your thigh down. Everything beyond your elbows was gone, the fabric no longer there. Even your gear had been haphazardly ripped apart from the middle down, leaving brown straps just hanging.

_"That woman hated Grisha, only to do the same thing to her own daughter. Don't you think that's quite ironic? She even grew up to take on her mothers inhumane work. It's a repeating cycle, don't you see what brainwashing children does? It turns them into the tools of their parents demise. If her mother never hid herself among the owl, Y/n never would have turned out like this. Who knows, maybe she would have-"_

_"That's enough. What's your point in showing me this. It's not like this memory has anything to do with him."_

_"Oh, little brother. But it does. This is the one memory both Kruger and I share, seeing as we we're both here on the same day the L/n family was slaughtered. You have that memory too, now, considering it was Kruger's first. Do you think our father watched the woman that hated him die in such a horrible way? How do you think he felt when seeing it for the first time?"_

Those two voices didn't sound familiar in the slightest. Your eyes stood still, unblinking as the doorknob slowly turned, even though it was _locked_. With a firm hand, driven by fear and paranoia, you grabbed the doorknob and held it still as it slowly stopped it's quiet turning. There was another dead silence on the other side of the door, one pair of feet stepping back above the creaking wood.

"Who's there?" You asked, with caution in your voice. "Y-You don't sound like my dad." Did he just say Grisha? Isn't that the name of Eren's dad? The one who was a doctor, that went missing five years ago, and has a secret cellar? What does he have to do with your birth mom, and why did she hate him? The way the silence on the other door fell, it felt unnatural. It was like the two men on the other side hadn't expected you to be able to do anything about the door being opened, or that you could even hear them in the first place.

The purple flowers tightened around your body, suddenly feeling like a hand that was gripping you with the intention of covering you fully. These flowers were the same ones that sprouted out of the ground after Eren used his titan, but they weren't small and dainty anymore. They were connected to your body, sprawling up your arm and latching around the door, building a new wall between you and those two on the other side. The keyhole was still open, you slowly raised your body up to look through it.

One piercing green eye met back with you, shoulder length brown hair just barely being able to be seen around the resting of dark eyelashes. It was menacing, so much so that it sent your body back with a massive thud. The purple flowers and green vines ripped off your body, shriveling up the second that they weren't connected to you. But truthfully, you weren't what they were actually connected too. They had sprawled through the cracks in the middle of the door, and under it as well. They were connected to something else that latched onto you, like a parasite. 

_"She shouldn't be able to hear us, what did you do to her?"_

You laid on your back, feeling something insect like crawling under your skin around your eye, squirming it's way to the back of your neck and resting there. It burned itself into your nape, attaching to the base of your brain. You felt the room light up with electricity, a green flash of thunder boomed outside your window and illuminated the room with sparks of gold in various places. Your entire spine felt like something had just sunk it's teeth in and burrowed it's poison into you. Every nerve in your body felt hot, but numb at the same time.

The door slowly opened, the left over dried up dead vines turned into ashes and drifted off into the air, the dim light from the hallway swayed like the house was starting to shake- no the whole _world_ was starting to shake. A loud rumbling sound in the distance filled your ears, heavy massive footsteps by the _thousands_. 

Before you stood two men, one blonde with glasses shaped like circles. The glare from the green light outside covered his actual eyes, you couldn't see him very well. His beard was scraggly and matched his hair, you noticed that he wore a red armband. The other- you couldn't see his face at all. It was invisible to you, the only thing you could see between long locks of messy brown hair were a set of piercing, terrifying teal orbs. He stood shorter than the man next to him, yet somehow he's the one who struck more fear into your heart.

 _"She can't remember any of this yet. It's too soon."_ The blonde said, staring down at you with a change in features. Something about him was uncomfortably familiar, like a sense of trust that you once felt, but only followed by betrayal and confusion. This emotion was so strong that it showed on your face, a burst of anger and hurt replaced the numb, and hot feeling throughout your veins. The rumbling in the distance only sounded louder, but it sounded like it had just changed directions and moved in the opposite way. The specimen that crawled to the nape of your neck seemed to be squirming almost frantically, you could feel it even under your skin. It was like that thing had a mind of it's own, and it wanted nothing to do with the two men who made their way in front of you, declaring their presence. 

The brunette took a step towards you, the cat on the bed moved up from it's once sleepy position, stretching out and yawning as one would. It hopped off the bed and walked over towards you, blue bow bouncing with each little trot that it made with it. Finally coming to walk between the legs of the two men, as if it was welcoming them into your safe space.

 _"When the time is right, I'll give you your memories back. Until then, I'll see you again soon, Y/n."_ He went from standing before you, to squatting at your low height. You crawled back on your hands and feet, kicking your legs out to make any distance you could. But it was no use as he grabbed your shoulders, and brought you into a protective hold. His long black cardigan wrapped around your body, pressing his forehead against yours. As soon as he made the emotional connection to you, this man with the long brown hair was no longer scary. His eyes were closed as he held you close to him, like protecting a child from their worst dreams. You were no longer than teenager in the cadets uniform, instead you were that child once again. That child who knew everything, knew who your parents were, knew what they did, the secret they kept, you knew it all. You knew what they did to you, and what they _took_ from someone else. _Someone that you know today, outside of this dream like world where you're being kept right now._

Your parents weren't the good people they convinced you to think they were. They may have started out that way, but something changed. They may have started this plan as humans, with a good hearted goal in mind. But they ended that as monsters, people who did something so horrible that it couldn't even be repeated out loud.

And just as quickly as it came, it was gone. A golden spark lit between you and the man, his hands rested firmly on your shoulders in a calming way, just as Armin, Mikasa, and Eren would. 

_"Two things I'll let you remember, though. Don't use your titan around this man, whatever you do."_ It was a quiet whisper, like a secret he didn't want the blonde the hear of.

 _"I'll let you remember what his face looks like, and by the time you see it again everything will come back to you. Everything after that point is all your choice, you'll no longer have to follow what anyone else tells you to do. I'll give you the freedom that's been ripped away from you since the moment you were born. Do with it what you want. Follow what you believe in, you're no longer going to be held in shackles, I promise._ "

"What-?!"

_"There is no wrong side to things, just as there isn't a right side either. You'll soon come to learn that, before you even get these memories back."_ That was the very last thing he whispered in your ear, before standing up to be by the side of the blonde you were just now told you can't trust. That feeling you got from looking at him, though...it must have come from somewhere. That anger, and betrayal, was this your warning to prevent that feeling from ever happening in the first place?

*

You woke up with a scream, right hand immediately going to your eye and holding it close. The back of your neck burned, pretty badly too. You weren't in the same clothes that you last remember being in, the torn remnants of your cadet clothes weren't even in sight anymore, actually. Instead you found yourself in a white button up, and brown pants. No shoes, or socks. 

You yanked your hand a little further, it stopped at a halt but it started the sound of chains. Your eyes trailed to the source, seeing a metal shackle around one of your wrists, eyes darting to the other and seeing the same thing. You looked around you in confusion, before you was the sight of bars, and brick cornered every inch of your being. You were being held in a cell, now you could put that together. The other side of the room was empty, but past the bars you could see two people standing just barely in your vision, like they were talking to someone on the other side of you besides this wall.

At the alert of your scream, a short man with black hair and an undercut peered into your cell. 

"Ah, seems the monkey's awake finally." You recognize him immediately, that's none other than Captain Levi. He sure is shorter in person than you thought he'd be, as astounding as it is to be in his presence, you push the thought aside and try to think of something to say. The last thing you remember was someone stopping Kit Foreman from shooting down a cannon at you and your friends, you tried to use your titan ability but wore yourself out. After that, there's nothing. 

"M-Monkey?" You asked, face twisting up in embarrassment. Did this guy just call you a monkey? To be fair, your titan doesn't look like any other titan that they've, or you've seen. But it seems kind of rude to just straight up refer to you as that. 

"Where's Armin? What happened to Mikasa and Eren?" You asked, voice showing a sudden urge of priority as of now. Levi stepped closer to your cell with an unconcerned face, narrowed eyes scanned every centimeter of your features as if looking for any reason to distrust you. 

"I'm right here- Y/n, you're finally awake!?" That was Eren's voice from the other side of the wall next to you, meaning he's being held in a cell too. You quickly tried to get up, but the chains connected to your wrists that lead to each side of the bed stopped you in your place, yanking you back down into the uncomfortable cot. 

"You missed quite the show, I'll bring you up to speed. You and Yeager are currently in custody of the military police, we were granted permission to see you just recently. Yeager here plugged up the hole in the gate of Trost, while you did nothing but steam yourself back into one piece. Lots of people died today, _good people_." There was a tinge in Levi's voice, it wasn't hurt, no. It was annoyance? You couldn't tell, not at all. Eren plugged up a hole in the gate? The blonde man standing besides Captain Levi came fully into your view, and when you saw his face your stomach churned in disappointment. 

That's Commander Erwin. These are both two people that you sort of look up to, they're more than just soldiers, they've spearheaded humanity towards knowledge lately, and now they're standing right before you and Eren. Eren had just done something amazing, from what you've gathered, and you just sat out because you couldn't even move. The guilt suddenly started to flood your being, if only you hadn't pushed it so hard those last few minutes of you being awake, maybe you could have done something, right? There's no way in knowing anymore, not right now at least.

Commander Erwin was holding that key in his hand, the one that Eren always has around his neck, tucked under his shirt. You know how much that key means to Eren, even if you barely see it. The whole idea of someone else holding it in their hands made you worried, that thing is the most important item Eren seems to obtain. He doesn't have many things in his dorm that you know of that he keeps as trinkets, or amusement. But that key never leaves his body. 

"Eren- he has your key." You said, getting his attention from the other side of the wall.

"I know, you missed what we were talking about." He replied, only making you more confused. 

"He says there's a pretty big secret in there, the cellar, about the titans. The good doctor Yeager seems to have kept something to himself, something that would benefit humanity. If we're planning on paying that cellar a visit, we'd have to venture back into Shinganshina. Sealing the breach there the same way we did today in Trost would be the smartest way to go about doing that, don't you think?" Commander Erwin looked at you, as if you had an answer for that question.

"I- How did Eren, what?" Was all you could make out, and immediately his face relaxed. He was trying to see if you had any idea on how Eren plugged the gate, because if you showed no sign of confusion that would meal you were faking being out of it, letting everyone around you risk their lives with your full awareness. But you didn't know, and that was what he wanted to see. 

"He used a boulder, and carried it on his back to the hole before using it to close it. We all know you can turn into a titan as well, I didn't see it personally but every report read that it was covered in fur, like an animal. Is that true?" He pondered almost out loud, staring you down while he held Eren's key.

"Yes that's true...I don't know how or why, though. I don't know what makes my titan so different than all the others, I haven't seen any depictions even that look like me." You stated honestly, it was best to be as honest as you could in this moment, any lie could catch up to you in an instant. You do have a habit of lying, maybe out of fear, maybe out of uncertainty, but now is not the time. Anything you say here will be brought up later, again. 

"We also found several burrows all around Trost, not to mention trenches that surrounded the buildings your fellow cadets waited on. Which means that you deliberately chose not to make them into tunnels, but you made them into ditches that captured smaller titans. You protected your peers with this digging ability you seem to have. Yet you never made a break for the walls, or to dig under them for that matter." He placed his hand on his chin, and looked at the key once more.

"You never even went close to the walls, if you were an enemy to humanity I don't see why you would leave them untouched. In the past, the Colossal titan kicked open the gate of Shinganshina, and the armored titan smashed through the gate that lead into wall Maria. You didn't do anything that would seem to aid in their past destruction. Yet you have an ability that would make it much easier to do such a task." By saying this, Commander Erwin was showing you his idea that you had every chance to make matters worse, but not once did you ever. In fact, you helped the people you trained with. This implication lead you to believe that you knew what you were doing, and you did. 

"I know how to use my titan ability, I just don't know how I know so well. All I wanted to do was protect the people I trained with." It was starting to make sense to you, you did remember controlling your titan, you remember what it felt like to dig yourself into the grounds, how the dirt and rocks felt in your hands as you crushed them to make space for your body. You knew all too well how to use your titan, it was like you had the knowledge of practice and then forgot it all up until you were forced to use it again for the first time in years. 

_Wait, when was the first real time I used my titan abilities, then? Should I even tell them this thought out loud? I wouldn't have been able to use it in the last five years without someone freaking out about a titan loose inside of the walls, did I use it before I even lived with my adoptive parents in Trost?! That has to be the only way I know how to use it, right? That means I would have been in Shiganshina the first time I did it, or before that? I don't even know if I'm really from Shiganshina, so when? And where?_

Your thoughts were cut to a halt, remembering that now isn't the time to lie about things. But if you say anything wrong, thinking it's the truth, it could be considered a lie later. So, best to keep that thought to yourself for the time being until you really do have a better grasp on your memories from before you were adopted. A full nine years of memories that you don't have, just glimpses into images in your head. Everything makes significantly much less sense, now. You're back to only being able to remember that your parents were well off when it came to money, and that you're looking for something specific. 

_I'll let you remember what his face looks like, and by the time you see it again everything will come back to you._

Blonde hair, strong build, matching beard, round glasses. 

"The brat isn't even listening anymore, we're running out of time with them." You looked up at Levi, replaying the image of that mans face in your head as many times as you could. That voice in your head just now wasn't yours, it sounded distorted however. 

"S-Sorry...it's just a lot to take in. What's going to happen now?" You asked, changing the subject but keeping the face fresh in your mind. You don't know who that man is, but something about his face reminds you of your home, where you actually originate from, like a familiar warning sign. 

"We want to ask you the same thing we asked Eren here before that. What is it that you're wanting to do, now that you know you can control the abilities of a titan? What do you plan on using that skill for? Reports say that Eren acted enraged towards other titans, yet the reports about you described your use as well timed, coordinated, and persistent. You didn't act in the same uncontrollable nature. If anything, you were often seen helping him. So what is it you plan on doing, since you seem to act on some unknown _experience._ " Commander Erwin was a persistent man, and he sees an opportunity even when it's far away. Although, you had planted yourself right in his sights. 

"I..." You trailed off, remembering what it felt like to dig those trenches around your friends, keeping them safe. You weren't so concerned in fighting until Eren appeared in front of you in his titan form, and you almost knew immediately that it was him, like a mental link had just confirmed it to you without you even having to ask. The feeling of working so well with him even in titan form, not so much protecting him, but being able to rely on him to do all the heavy work so you could stay back and analyze a path out for the others around you. One instance in particular, when you wondered where Jean was, because you remember seeing him in your titan form. You distinctly remember staring down at his face, looking at him. You remember trying to call out to him while all he did was stand there, and then a piece of debris came flying in his direction between you and the gap of open space on the other opening of the broken in wall of HQ.

You acted as quickly as possible, grabbing the rubble and smashing it in your fists, using what could have killed Jean as a weapon against the titans below, throwing it like a _toy_.

In that moment you knew you had to protect him, and to keep everyone that you cared about safe. You acted out of pure adrenaline, fueled by the need to keep those you love in one piece. 

"I want to protect the people I care about, I want to be able to give them a future where we don't have to worry about what's gonna break the wall tomorrow. If that means killing every titan, I don't think I'm capable. But if it means doing everything in my power to keep my friends safe, I'll rip out the necks of every titan that comes near them until I can't even stand up. That's why I want to be a _scout_." 

Levi's eyes flashed, just as they had done for the answer Eren gave, though you didn't get to hear what he said. Him and Erwin had realized that where Eren was driven by a desire to kill them, you were drive by a desire to protect your comrades. It's like the perfect combination of sword and shield fell into the lap of humanity. Already the two of them were thinking of ways to utilize you both, sending Eren out for attack, while you'd stay behind and protect the rest, only jumping in to fight if it was deemed absolutely necessary. And someone who understands their titan abilities better would be the perfect tool for protection. You could dig holes, one's that could trap titans, or keep them at bay. Something like that has never been so easy to come to them, how many lives would still be here if trenches kept titans at bay for large scouting missions in the past? It was something they couldn't overlook. But the same applies in vice versa. 

There's a fear, and a real one. The fear is that someday, you might just dig under all the walls, meeting to a point outside. The concern is that you could lead titans from outside the walls, straight into the center of wall Sina. 

But not if you're on their side, right? 

"Good news Yeager, L/n. You're now both officially members of the scouts."


	19. 19: Eccentric People

"I'll take responsibility for them. Let the higher ups know what's going on, not that I implicitly trust these two, of course. It's more a matter of me trusting myself to deal with them." He paused, both you and Eren listened in anticipation. What did he mean by deal with them?

"Kill them, if I have too." Eren gasped before you did, but after a moment you understood. Someone has to be able to keep you and Eren in check, if you're to be allowed to move past these bars. "My record speaks for itself, the bigwigs know that." 

*

"Hey. Feels like we've been here for days, hasn't it?" You asked Eren, who sat on the other side of the wall in his bed. You heard him rustling in his sleep, though you? Never slept more clear. Those weird dreams and nightmares you used to get haven't popped up once this entire time. It was like a switch flipped, and they no longer even bothered you. You actually had a good dream last night, considering your circumstances. In your dream, you and Sasha were boiling artichokes, while Mikasa, Jean and Armin chopped up vegetables. You had this dream where you and your friends were cooking a meal together somewhere, and ate it in the mess hall. Just normal antics, bickering and arguing and having fun. Jean would say something under his breath that pissed off Eren, and you'd just add onto it, while Armin and Mikasa just looked tired of being the ones who always took a stop to the three of you. Good, normal old times. It was a nice dream. 

But waking up in a cell was rather gloomy. 

"Are you okay in there? Last time I saw you, you busted your face open on the ground. Is everything like, back to normal for you?" Eren asked, quietly. You could tell he's had a lot on his mind recently, you just wondered what it was. 

"I'm fine now, I'm just really hungry all the time. Jeez, how bad was it?" You asked, hand reaching up to touch your face. You were out for the entire day after Commander Pixis stopped the potential cannon fire, the soldiers guarding yours and Eren's cell informed you on everything that you needed to know, and all you had to ask of them was that your parents in Trost made it out safe. They told you that civilians were evacuated safely. 

"You broke your nose _into_ your face, Y/n. You had broken bones, and a fever. Are you sure you're okay?" He sounded concerned, and you hated that he was still worried about you even now. You were really arguing with him not even all that long ago, you feel guilty for it too. 

"Did you have a fever too? Was I the only one of us who got sick?" You asked, a new though popping into your head. After you used your titan, your body became extremely ill. You think it could be a side effect of using your titan ability. 

"No-"

"You two should really shut up, it's annoying." Your attention turned to the female voice that poked into the room, her voice came before her face and body did. You looked through the bars, squinting to try and see her. She hadn't entered your field of vision yet, but she continued to talk anyways. 

"You three are off guard duty for the time being. You're welcome back in here by the time I leave." She said to three soldiers who you knew were watching you and Eren, but you never really saw them. They were in his field of vision, not yours. 

"But-"

"Are you refusing a command from a higher up?" Her voice was sharp and cold, you could see bits of blonde hair coming into your vision as she had made herself closer. "That could be considered treason, you know." It's a military police captain. She ranks above the people guarding you and Eren, whoever it was she wanted a moment alone with you and Eren, to talk. 

"I've gotten permission from Commander Nile Dok. To disobey me in this moment would be to disobey him. Are you sure you don't want to give me a few moments with these _things?_ " Her voice was filled with an anger, it was seeping in venom. It seemed like she had come here for more than just to talk, now you realize. 

"Sorry, Captain Bach! We'll return when you exit those doors, though any sign of them doing anything we'll come right back." With that, the three guard soldiers were off. Captain Bach let off a tired sigh, and walked towards both your own and Eren's cells. She stopped short of you, and let you look at every detail of her face.

Your jaw felt loose, everything about her...looked like Samantha.

She had a firm expression, glaring eyes in the same shade of dull gray. Her golden hair was swept behind her left ear, while the rest of it was tied up neatly into a bun that rested at the back of her neck. It was obviously long, and well groomed. She had a tall, toned physique. She stood with perfect posture, even as she grabbed the chair that Commander Erwin once sat in, pulling it in front of her and planting herself in it. She had the back of the chair facing you, swinging her right leg over to the side of the chair and sitting on it backwards. With hands rested on the back of it, she folded them together and placed her chin on them.

"So, you're the kid my mom took in all those years ago. I hoped I'd never meet you, but here you are." Her voice was vindictive and cold, she wore a Military Police uniform that was kept in the most perfect condition you'd ever seen someone wear, and they said she was a captain? You didn't even know your adoptive mother had real kids of her own, let alone one that jointed the military police.

"Hey!" Eren shouted, causing the woman before you to tilt her head to the side, not once breaking eye contact with you. She grew a smirk on her face, thin pink lips parted to show you perfectly taken care of teeth. It seems she's reaped every benefit of being in the military police. Her skin was completely clear, void of any freckles or markings, other than a small beauty mark under her eye on her left cheek.

"What, that your titan boyfriend or something?" She let out a snicker, and smacked the back of the chair as if she had just told you a funny joke. One that she thought you should have laughed at. 

"It's not like that-" Eren started but the woman picked up something off of the ground and threw it at his cell, causing a loud bang to take place as it rattled between the bars. She looked over at him finally, her whole face changed. She was suddenly agitated, opening her mouth quickly to retort. "Hey, I wasn't talking to you. Last time I checked, little Y/n here could talk for herself. Unless of course she can't, which would be such a shame." She leaned back, a mocking tone in her voice before turning back to you once again.

"I _can_ talk for myself. Samantha is your mom?" You asked, brows furrowed together in confusion. Nothing was making sense, you thought that you were just starting to get a grasp on everything, and then this? She never told you that she had a daughter, neither did your adoptive dad, Luka.

"Yup. I left them a year before you showed up. Weird, how you just kinda _appeared_ out of nowhere. Don't go thinking I'm your sister, or anything. Truthfully I want nothing to do with that family anymore. I just think it's a bit worrisome that you lived with them for so long, if you're able to turn into a titan that is." Her eyes suddenly went a little darker, her blonde hair pulled behind her ear left it's spot, and fell over her forehead.

"One day, you could have just decided to _eat_ them. You're such a disgusting little creature. Never in my _life_ had I thought I'd ever hear of a titan with fur." It's obvious at this point that she holds something against you just for being apart of Samantha's life, though she doesn't seem to even mention Luka once. It's starting to make you wonder what happened to make her get like this, there must have been a reason why her own biological daughter was never brought up to you. That's not something she would keep a secret unless it was too painful to bring up.

You knew your mother hated the whole concept of going to the military, she just told you it was because she never wanted you to have to ever see a titan again. Maybe there was something more to it? 

"I didn't know I was a titan until now. I'd never do anything to hurt them, I love Samantha and Luka as if they were my own-" You were going to start talking to her, give her some answers that she probably wanted. Hell you were even about ready to tell her about your titan, anything that you knew, if that's what she wanted. But it wasn't.

"Shut up, you really don't think they're your parents, right?!" She jolted as she talked, voice loud as an uncomfortable smile fitted on her lips. She let out a harsh scoff, recoiled back and spit in your face. You turned your face away right as the spit hit your cheek, Eren heard it and lashed out forwards even in his wrist chains. The flame in the lantern flickered in the room, obviously proud of herself as she watched you hide your face in your hair. 

"I did a little research. Looks like you were apart of the 104th cadet corps, I can't imagine she just _let_ you enlist. That woman hates the fact that this kingdom just allows children to sign their life away at the ripe old age of eleven. To be fair, she isn't wrong. But it's either that or be considered a coward, right?" She leaned forward, and stuck her hands through the bars. She wrapped them together, and leaned forwards on the wooden chair. This is when you noticed a ring on her finger of her left hand, next to her pinky. Makes sense now why the name Bach didn't ring any bells, it's because she's _married_ and changed her last name. 

"Why didn't she tell me about you?" Was all you could ask in this moment. She raised a thin, blonde eyebrow and sighed. With her right hand, she twisted the ring on her finger, the diamond glimmered in the torch light behind her. 

"I can't wait to watch you get executed, L/n. I wonder where you got that name from, did you steal it from someone else? Are you a spy of external alliances, come to destroy the heavenly nature of the walls? Such a blasphemous thing." You took a closer look at the ring, noticing it had three ridges along the sides, your eyes went back up to her, in shock.

"You're one of those wallist cult people, aren't you?" _That_ explains why Samantha probably never spoke about her. You heard Eren say something under his breath on the other side of the wall, but not clearly. Captain Bach gave you a devilish smile, waving her hand before pulling it out of the bars. 

"Next time I see you, custodial will be picking up bits of your brain off the ground. I wonder who they'll execute first, I can imagine it'd be painful to watch _him_ go before-" She was cut short of her demeaning speech. You understood fully that her whole reason for being here was to make you feel less of yourself, to throw it in your face that she thinks your entire existence is vile.

"Shut up! You don't get to _talk_ to her like that!" Eren had lunged himself as close to the bars as he could get, sneering a look of disgust at the blonde woman. You jumped at the sound, eyes locking on the wall as if you were trying to see through it. "Eren, stop it! You'll get us both in trouble, there's nothing we can do about it." 

"You should listen to her, _Eren_ , if that's even your name. You two have got no idea what's happening outside these bars. Things _aren't_ gonna go your way, and I'm just simply relishing in that fact." She looked so damn proud of herself, you could tell she was gonna continue going off about something, but the doors that she came into opened and ripped her attention away from the two of you.

"What did I say about- Oh, it's _you_." Her face dropped, letting her sigh in annoyance. Someone walked into the room, the three guards followed behind this new person shortly. Captain Bach muttered something under breath, the only words you got were 'Crazy woman', before she got up out of her chair and put it back where it once was. 

"That's my que to leave. The only thing sweeter than watching you die, is knowing that it's gonna break my dear old mom's heart." She said to you quietly, before leaving the room. You heard her bump her shoulder into whoever just walked into the room, a 'tsk' of annoyance followed shortly after. You felt relieved as soon as she left, but the person who walked in sped right past your cell, and clung to Eren's. You barely caught a look at her, all you saw was messy brown hair in a ponytail, and goggle like glasses. Among the clanging of the metal she latched herself onto. 

Eren made a noise in shock and scooted back on his bed, you peered out of your cell as much as your eyes would let you. All you could see was her pressing her face into the bars, and hear her breathing rather heavily.

"So then! You're Eren," She paused, and took her face out of his bars to turn her gaze to you. "You must be Y/n! Are you two well? How are things? I'm really sorry you've been waiting so long, but here's your chance to finally get out!" She slid something under the bars of your doors, before turning back to Eren and handing him something similar too.

_That's section commander Hange_! Under better circumstances, you'd be thrilled to meet so many people like Levi, Erwin, and Hange, but this isn't really the place to be excited, right? Not to mention Samantha's daughter just ripped you a new one and then spat in your face. Mood kinda doesn't shift well. But Hange? Her work in the field of _science_ has always been intriguing, you wanted to do _that_ kind of work. 

"You'll have to put those on for me, okay?" Another member of the scout regiment stepped besides her, brown hair and shaggy stubble. That's Mike Zacharias, second only to Levi himself. You heard rumors that dude can get a whiff of titans from miles away, like his nose is never wrong. Reminds you of Sasha, almost. She's got killer instincts just like that. 

You looked down at the pair of cuffs that was slid to you in your reach, grabbing them and sliding your wrists into them with ease. "Oh, I hope captain Bach didn't give you two too hard of a time." She said after you clasped the cuffs shut, you didn't have too much of a problem with this, but being in two pairs of cuffs? Not comfortable. 

Mike unlocked your cell and came up to your side, unlocking the shackles that kept you close on the bed. He leaned down, and inhaled right next to you. _He just ....smelled me?_

"U-Um.." You trailed off, he only gave you a faint smile and nodded his head. This was weird, so the rumors are true? Maybe he's just trying to see if you even smell like a titan? 

*

"My name is Zoe Hange, I'm the section Commander for the scouts. This is a fellow commander in scouts, Mike Zacharias" You walked alongside two guards, Eren, Hange and Mike. Mike was sniffing Eren just as he did to you earlier, makes you feel a little less weird if he's just gonna do the same thing to Eren. You held back a chuckle, watching him squirm and get uncomfortable by the man. If you had to go through it, so did Eren. 

Hange looked back and saw Eren's comfortability, and let out a friendly laugh. "Oh! Don't mind him, he makes a habit of giving new people a thorough sniff. Tends to laugh through his nose a bit." Mike seemed content with the scent he pulled out of Eren, smiling smugly and making a hmph like sound as he pulled away.

"But I don't think he intends it to be derisive." Eren looked so perplexed, he had a bead of sweat drip past his temple, you wonder how you look to him in this moment, though. Were you anxious? Did you seem uncomfortable? You had to just hold a laugh back, does he think you're not taking this seriously? 

"Quirks aside, he _is_ a skilled section commander." Hange said, everything about her was so interesting, you thought. The way she carries herself is so much more different than all the other scouts you've seen so far, but to be honest they've all been a little eccentric. 

"Ohhh, poop! I've just been paddling on with the small talk, and now we're here!" She stopped you all at two large doors, this whole area seemed so much nicer than where you and Eren came out of, it was almost elegant? 

You and Eren stared before the doors, wide eyes and confused thoughts. Neither of you knew what was to come, other than the distasteful words that Captain Bach had spat at you, saying she'd hoped to see your execution. But if you were so sure to be executed with Eren, the scouts wouldn't be this involved in whatever is about to happen. 

"Well I'm sure it's fine, it's probably better if I don't explain anyways." It was the last thing she said before the two guards besides her and Mike put their hands on you and Eren, guiding you by your shoulders and pushing you in front of them through those two big doors. 

"What are you doing?" You asked frantically, looking back at Hange. "H-Hey! Hold on!" Eren yelled out, doing the same and looking towards her at the same time you did. What was going to happen? What's on the other side of these damn doors? 

"It might be callous but remember, we've all put our faith in you Eren, Y/n. Best of luck." And with that, the doors closed, and the two of you were faced with a massive court room, bigger than you could have ever imagined. 

With a couple familiar faces in the crowd, too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my best chapter, it's kinda a filler tbh


	20. 20: Judgement

"Mom?!" You whispered to yourself, staring up at your mothers face in the stands. She looked at you with such a worried look on her face, eyes full of turmoil and confusion. This is the first time you'd seen her since the night before you enlisted, you didn't make any attempts to visit her during your breaks. Every time that you had the opportunity, your relationship with her seemed too rocky to go. It was an inconsistent representation of calm and chaotic. The two of you never got along until it was too late, again. You wanted to know that Luka and Samantha got out safe, that was all. You didn't expect to see both of them here, though.

She mouthed something to you, unable to hear the words but see the movements of her lips. 

_'I have something to tell you later'_

"On your knees, now." Two military police soldiers spoke to you and Eren, after the two of you had been walked out into the middle of the room, you had been made to stand next to each other, at least five feet apart. You stood with your hands behind your back, the shackles around your wrists feeling tighter as each moment passed. You knew that nobody was making them more course against you, but it was just your own mind. You looked up at the soldier to your right with uncomfortably, slowly lowering yourself onto one of your knees in doing so. Eren on the other hand, looked full of anger. He was confused, too. But for the most part right now? He's mad. 

"Both of them." You sighed, getting on the other knee with not as much ease. You felt the cap of your knee rub into the hard surface, almost like a cruel punishment. And so you sat there on your knees, with your hands behind your back, only holding yourself up with the pressure of your toes on the ground and the alignment of your spine. Just as your posture fell into a comfortable position, a long bar was slid behind your back at the same time it had happened to Eren. The both of you turned your head together, eyes ,meeting in confusion. A long, heavy beam had been slid into the openings of your cuffs, leaving you both to kneel there defenseless. 

You felt your breath get stuck in your chest, suddenly unable to inhale anymore air. Your fingers scraped effortlessly against the metal on your back, digging up at unreasonable positions. You couldn't move, all your weight felt uncomfortable on your knees, trying to push yourself upright to get on at least the tips of your toes. but nothing worked and you squirmed against the bar as the anxiety in your blood rose to an uncomfortable high. This felt like a nightmare, and now everyone is looking like it's a spectacle. You couldn't breathe, this was too much. You weren't lashing out or moving chaotically, but it was obvious this was starting to get to you. 

You looked through the stands again, trying to find your mom. and dad. But instead, your eyes landed on Mikasa and Armin, who both gave you worried looks. Armin seemed to notice the state you were slowly starting to fall in, realizing that if you were to start lashing out due to the anxiety that this whole case was going to be over in an instant. 

Armin knows you can use your head when you have to, he's seen you first hand use that ability to your benefit. But if you're stuck in a position that drives you into a corner, or makes you go catatonic, then it's a little muggy. Every instance where you've completely frozen up or fallen off the deep end, Mikasa, Armin or Eren has to be there to help bring you back. Thinking back to that night, the one before the graduation ceremony specifically. 

_Wasn't she looking at Annie before she stopped talking completely? What would Annie do to cause Y/n to freeze up like that, back then?_

In this moment, Armin started to piece something together in the back of his mind, something that would help him later. 

You felt like calling out to him as soon as your eyes locked onto his peaceful blue ones, but you didn't. You understood by the look that he gave you was meant for you to calm down. Its the same look you gave him right before he stormed off to go persuade his case to Kit Foreman. Mikasa had even noticed your state, all she could do was hope that Eren has a better handle on things than you do. 

In his own head, he's wondering why all of these people are here, and just staring at the two of you. He's wondering more specifically when someone's going to explain what the hell is going on, and then he see's his own two friends in the stands too. He notices them because he see's the way you're leaning in that direction, eyes so wide it's like you were trying to have a conversation with the two of them on their behalf. 

He was about to say your name as the two of you slowly looked at each other, Eren followed your frantic e/c eyes with his own concerned teal ones, yet they never lined up directly with yours. You seemed to be staring at something behind him, and he witnessed your jaw fall slack open as if the muscle tendons had just lost all their power to keep working. 

He turned to see what you were looking at, Captain Bach. She stood next to the Wallist's people with a rifle in her arms, stern and tall. She had a dark look on her face, no changing expression. She had that rifle held above her head, though her hands rested carefully as if ready to pull it out at the slightest deed to be told to do so. He remembered that you said something about asking if she was apart of that wall cult, it seems as though she might actually be. That woman, Captain Bach, kept her eyes trained forwards. 

All you could do was sit there in that room and stare at her, and then look back to Samantha and Luka, your adoptive parents. The way they looked at Captain Bach was something you've never seen in your parents. Your mother, she's the one who seemed more angry. Luka himself didn't seem to hold so much anger, as he did sorrow. But Samantha? That woman, she held such a scorn in her eyes, the same scorn you'd seen come out of Captain Bach right before she spat in your face. There was something there between the two women, something that even Luka didn't seem to be apart of. 

"Ahem." You looked directly upwards, to the premier. Dahlis Zachary, the head of all three brigades. He's the one that will see to what happens to you and Eren. You barely know anything about this person, usually when it comes to big names in the military you've done your research. Part of wanting to become a respectable soldier some days means knowing who the current respectable soldiers are, and what they do and how they got there. It also means learning a bunch of names of other people, their ranks, and how they got there. Very little is known about Dahlis Zachary, or you just haven't looked in the right places? There's some odd theories you've come across, though. 

"Your name is Y/n L/n, and as a soldier you have sworn to give up your life, for the good of the people when called upon. Is that correct?" He asked, You stared directly upwards, a lump in your throat forming. Was he going to go in on your case first, before Eren's?! This could either mean that you're in deep shit, or he is. You don't know what to make of going up first.

"Y-Yes, Sir!" You shouted, trying to show dignity in this moment where you felt like you had none. You have to prove you're as accommodating as possible, as agreeable as can be. After all, you mother mouthed to you earlier that she had something to tell you. You needed to know what it was, nothing can get in the way of that. It might just be a simple 'I love you' or something much bigger. But, you'd take that 'I love you' right now, even.

"As an enlisted soldier during a time of war, Military Doctrine demands your tribunal be held as a court marshal. As Commander of our own forces, this matter is left to my discretion. Thus I will decide, if you live or die. I'll be going through both of your cases today, though I'll be starting with you due to all of our questions. Any objections?" He asked, you heard Mikasa and Armin rustle in their pews, and Eren move against the metal. Of course they were going in on you first, you're what they didn't understand even more so then Eren. Of course Eren was just as much as a concern, but that digging thing you can do? It terrifies them, everybody that lives in these walls. 

"No, sir, I do not object! I hereby swear on oath, if I must!" That's it, keep it up. You have to do everything in your power to prove you aren't a threat, even more so because you're going before Eren. Back there with the cannon, you were worried that Eren was going to have to speak for you. Now it's your turn to go first.

"There was no real records of your birth within the walls, your mother here shared as much information with us as she could. She believes that the first nine years of your life, your biological parents lived within the district of Shinganshina. Does this sound true to you?" He moved his glasses more on the tip of his nose, looking at you through them.

"If I could remember, I could say yes. But I don't." You replied, remembering how much shit you'd be in if a court house ever got wind of this stuff. You have no real answer for any of the things you know, nothing you could say would make sense, much less be believed.

"Miss Samantha Achen, you had a sister that lived in Shinganshina, who was a member of the church of the walls, correct?" Your mothers face dropped instantly at the mention of her sister, eyes for a moment darting over to her own biological daughter before they rested on the grounds. 

"Yes, that would be true. I believe that Y/n L/n was a child in that area my sister lived in." What is your mom saying? You kneeled there, confused. You couldn't see her very well, she had covered her face and hung it between her shoulders. You knew your mother had some dark demons that she never spoke of, but you always left it alone. 

"Amelia Achen is serving a 20 year sentence, for kidnapping and indoctrinating children. She ran her own cult within Shinganshina, she used kidnapped children to brainwash and share her ideals on. She said in her testimony five years ago, that none of the adults would listen to her, so she found children in broken homes to tell her story to. It's suspected that you were one of those children. Do you have any memory of this, Y/n L/n?" What? Of course you can't remember any of this, and what you do remember very faintly of your childhood doesn't align at all with any of what you're being told. The fact she had a testimony just means she lived through the destruction of the gate, and someone who did such cruel things to children got to live that day. But Amelia Achen, that woman, is your mothers sister? And Your mothers biological daughter is a military's police captain, one who preaches the walls? 

You looked back up at your mother again, and this time you could see her silver eye peeking at you through her hair. 

_You want me to agree to all of this, don't you?_

This was a lie, but it was mixed in with truths. You now realize that Samantha was hiding something about her own family so deep from you, but it turned out one day to benefit you. She wants you to agree to everything that she's saying, because she's already thought of a way to get you out of the situation you feared yourself being in earlier. She must have known at some point that you're lack of memory of the last five years would somehow catch up to you, but she didn't think it would get like this. You being a titan? Last thing she suspected. 

"I can't remember my real parents, the first thing I truly recall was waking up in the orphanage after Shinganshina was demolished. I'm sorry I wish I could say more." It's enough for your case, that alone. If they're to suspect you were brainwashed as a child, then losing all your memories about it would make sense as a form of post traumatic stress. Especially for a child.

"I think it's enough to confirm our suspicions. Your mother will be charged after this trial for withholding information on an already closed case, your existence brings into speculation that she knew of Amelia Achen's crimes and did nothing, choosing to adopt you out of her own guilt for what she could not have stopped. We have agreed to reduce her sentence for sharing this information with us, but that will be all for her involvement." You watched as a soldier stood behind your mother, your eyes following everything with confusion. Just as your mother stood, she placed her hands behind her back while the soldier slid cuffs around her wrists, and locked them up. 

"No.." You whispered, watching her get taken out of the room in shackles. Your father looked completely frozen in shock, unable to even process what just happened. How much of that wasn't true? How much did your mother have to lie on the stand, just to clear your name? Why did she do such an insane thing, throwing away what's probably left of her life, just so they can confirm you were in fact born inside these walls? 

_'I have something to tell you later'_

The words you mother mouthed at you stuck in your mind. No, there's definitely more to this. There has to be a correlation between Samantha, and the real reason you're here. The cult of the walls, your parents, Captain Bach, Amelia Achen, there's something in the middle of all of that. There's no possible way that you just happened to get adopted into that family for no reason. 

"Moving on. The titan form that you took on, doesn't seem to match any of we have seen. We had our best illustrators re-draw what they witnessed in your form, so we could show the court the differences between you, and a regular titan." He held up a picture and passed it down, but you caught a glimpse of it first. You didn't know every detail of what you looked like inside of it, until now.

Nine meters tall, face and stomach were covered in raw, irritated skin. You had dark brown hair, like an animal. In certain places there were streaks of darker brown, maybe black along the back and behind the legs. Most depictions of you were drawn on all fours, though there was the rare image of you standing upright. You had sharp teeth like a wild animal, and dead, empty giant eyes that seemed too human for comfortability. Your arms were longer than any normal titan's, they bent at an angle that would support your weight. Seem's Levi was right, when calling you a monkey.

"It appears you can also dig. Yet you used this ability to protect your peers, we scoured the entire area of Trost, you didn't go near the walls. You actively kept titans away from those you trained with, one report from a _Jean Kirstein_ , stating that you put yourself in danger to keep him safe. Do you recall actively taking measures to keep your comrades safe?" He asked, holding the paper up once again.

"Yes. If you're asking that I have control over my titan in the state of an emergency, then yes. I remember hearing the voice of one of my comrades, Sasha Blouse, trying to formulate a plan to get off the roofs. I thought if I could make it easier by limiting the amount of titans in their area, I'd trap them in trenches. At one point, a boulder was sent in the opposite direction straight towards Jean. I acted as soon as I realized what was going on-"

"Where do you think that boulder came from, did you put any thought into that?" You gasped as he cut you off, eyes looking directly to Eren. He seemed to be kneeling there in complete shock, maybe from the story your mother helped take part in, or the next indication that the premiere was going in this conversation. 

"That boulder was reported to have come from Eren in his titan form. Do you consider it sheer luck that you were that in that moment, able to save Jean Kirstein? If you were not there, Cadet Kirstein would not be standing today. It seems in multiple cases, you were cleaning up the mess that Eren was creating. You did seem much more aware of your surroundings, even able to think back to exact moments now. Eren, do you think you can remember that?" Of course, it's coming to this. You didn't know that's where that debris was sent from, but it makes sense now. If you hadn't been there, what would have happened to Jean?

Eren didn't answer, only his silence filled the room. They were using _you_ to make _him_ look bad. 

"Y/n L/n, it's suspected that the only reason you did not go for the walls was the internalized brain washing you received as a child about them. We do consider the religion of the walls a real one within this kingdom, though not everybody falls to it. We cannot look the church in the eyes and say we do not recognize them, yet see them as the reason you chose not to attack. You have more knowledge, experience, and understanding of your titan abilities, whatever they may be. My point here was to make that you have an upper hand over Eren Yeager, and with that information. Covering up both yours and Eren's existence would be futile within the walls. Unless we publicly disclose your existence, one way or another we risk the widespread wake of civil unrest." He paused, finally getting to his point. Was he no longer digging directly only into you, and now focusing on Eren too? Shit, did you say something wrong? Were they about to make you a symbol of that stupid wall cult?! No, if that was the case Captain Bach wouldn't have been so ungrateful to you. 

"A choice must be made, the regiment that takes custody of the both of you will determine your fate. The military Police, or the scout regiment." He said finally, you looked over to the military police and saw that they cult of the walls seemed to be standing awfully close to them. They're not the hands you want to fall in, they're the last people you wanna be around. Something tells you they're up to no good.

"To finally begin, the Military Police will now present their case. I've given all the information about T/n L/n that remained up to speculation for the public, you may continue." So that's what that whole thing was? That was all just for more understanding? But they tried to use you against Eren for a moment, building distrust in him. 

"Thank you, my name is Nile Dok! I am commander of the Military Police." That's the person who gave Captain Bach clearance to go see you, the name is the exact same. You looked over at Eren, both of you seemed more unsure as the seconds passed. 

You wished you could communicate with him right now, not even for any specific reason. If the people in this court room saw you and Eren talking, it might just be done for. But all you wanted to know was that the both of you were going to be okay, and that it felt unbearable to be seen chained up like animals like this before everyone.

"Following a thorough examination of Eren Yeager's physiologically, the subject should be disposed of immediately. We acknowledge that his titan ability played a massive part in the latest titan incursion, however as stated his mere existence has created a swell of paranoia and rebellious sentiment. He's too dangerous to keep alive, and in our hold. Y/n L/n, on the other hand, we believe we could make sense of her differences, putting her under the needle for any answers we could find." 

Your heart froze. Put...under the needle? They wanted to....dissect you? 

They wanted to just get rid of Eren as quickly as possible, but the fact alone that you showed critical thinking skills made them just want to dig into you. They wanted to know what made you tick, since Eren didn't. The whole idea of someone dissecting you like an animal, it made your skin crawl. You felt the skin on the back of your neck grow hot, an nerving sense of anxiety building and resting just at the nape of your neck. It was like something else had just started fighting against your better judgment, growing uneasy and willing to move _for_ you.

"For the greater good, after we have gathered all the information we need out of the two of them, we would see them made fallen warriors of humanity." Nile Dok said while holding a stack of paper, you couldn't rip your eyes away from him, sweat dripping down between your eyes from the stress of the situation alone. 

_Who the hell are you calling a warrior? Just for laying down like a dog and taking it, that's not what I am!_

Your thoughts raged through your head, you sure as hell weren't the only one. Eren was starting to lose his temper, slowly but surely. You could feel it radiating off of him, just like it was starting to come off of you. You had just watched your adoptive mother give up what was probably the rest of her life to clear your name, just so you could be dissected and use for their understanding before being killed? Not gonna fucking happen. You weren't going to allow Samantha's sacrifice to be in vain. 

"Unacceptable!" You looked to the voice, so did Eren. Another one of those Wall cultist people, they seemed to really have gotten a lot of clout in the last five years, huh? Eren had thought the same thing as you. He had started going off, screaming about how you were probably pretending to have forgotten your brainwashing, being a spy from within meat to destroy the walls in a biblical way. He screamed at Eren for doing so much as touching them, saying he defiled them in such an unholy way. 

Everyone in the room started to be arguing with each other. It ended as soon as Premiere Zachary opened his mouth to talk to the scouts.   


"And now I'd like to hear the Scout Regiment's proposed plan." It was an easy thing that got everyone's attention, and the voice of Commander Erwin Smith filled the court room. You thought, that if anybody could listen to reason, it would have to come from Erwin. That guys, everyone knows of him. HE's sure to say something to get everything to think, right?

"Yes, Sir. As the commander of the Survey Corps, I Erwin Smith, propose the following." He stopped, and looked over at you and Eren with a blank face. You and Eren both looked back up at him, a drained, yet hopeful look in your eyes. 

"Let Eren and Y/n join our ranks, reinstate them as full members of the scouts. We will utilize his titan abilities to retake wall Maria, and her's as protection of the scouts. We doubt she has the same strength that he does, but therein lies her own. Eren will be our offensive, Y/n will be our defense. That is all." Erwin said short and simple. a plan to retake wall Maria? 

The whole room fell quiet. You kneeled there, wondering if that was all he was really going to say. What about the fact that you could be trusted, what about Eren's dad's cellar? There was so many other things he could have added onto that, you kneeled there, confused. Leaning forwards, Hanji's words from earlier remained in your ears. She had hope for the two of you, there's no way that this is all Erwin was gonna say, right? 

"Is that it?" Someone in the stands asked, as if being able to hear your worry filled thoughts. "Yes." Short and sweet, Commander Erwin replied. "With their assistance, sir. I'm certain we could reclaim wall Maria. Ergo, I believe our top priority is perfectly clear." This is a plea for the people, you understood now. 

Without wall Maria, there's been barely any rest for civilians. Food was scarce, you remember the first time you found out how bad things truly were, your mother had to explain everything to you in a simple way. It's why she kept copious amounts of jarred goods, out of fear one day there would no longer be any food for the people. Civil unrest, the dividers being the walls, the refuges of Maria needed to return home, and not just for the people they began to live off of. But for their own sakes. They wanted to go back to their homes, too. Homes that were now lost and ruined, to the titans.

"Assuming you were given clearance, where do you plan to launch this operation from? Commander Pixis, the wall in Trost district has been completely sealed, is that correct?" Dahlis Zachary asked, looking down to his left to see the bald headed commander of the Garrison that you had failed to even notice was there this whole time. 

So he's the one who kept the four of you from dying by cannon fire, right? This is the man who stepped in.

"Yes. I doubt it's gate will ever open again." He sounded like he has a grumbly voice, Commander Erwin had started explaining his plan but all you could do was look at Commander Pixis. You can't believe you never even got to see his face, but you really had to get a word in with him at some point later, if there was a later, just to thank him. You wanted to be able to do that, hopefully.

"We'll exit Calaneth district to the east, from there we'll make for Shinganshina. A new route can be established as we proceed-"

"That's ridiculous! Our time and money would be better spent sealing up all the gates! They're the only parts of the wall that the colossal titan can break, right? Let's reinforce the blasted things and wash our hands of the entire affair!"

"Shut your mouth, spineless merchant dog! With two titans on our side, we can finally return to wall Maria!"

Both you and Eren whip your heads in the direction of the discourse from either side of the room as it happens. There was going to be a fight that breaks out if nothing happens in the next few moments. The people were starting to revolt against each other even in this court room. 

"We can't afford anymore childish illusions of grandeur!" 

"Squealing any louder won't help your case, pig." Captain Levi of the scouting Regiment said very calmly, shutting everyone up in this exact moment. There was a handful of collective gasps, one even coming from you. This is the side you're suppose to fall into, they're supposed to make themselves seem reasonable, not insulting. Was it damaging to the case o f you and Eren for him to speak like that? You didn't know, nothing made any sense. 

Apart of you almost piped up to suggest a vote, but it was a selfish attempt at seeming more reasonable, and you knew that. If they were to see through it, you'd just be executed for trying to manipulate them. Something like that was too easy. 

"While we're bolstering our defenses, do you think that titans are going to stand idly by? And when you say _we_ can't afford, do you speak for anyone other than your fat merchant friends?" Levi said very contently, though his facial expression was dark and alarming. You stared at him, wondering how he can just be so casual in a setting like this? He had pretty much said what majority of most reasonable people were thinking, but he did it with no precaution. He called it like it was, that merchant was a selfish man. He's only in this court room to even benefit himself, and Levi knew that.

"Do you pigs even realize that most of our people are struggling, just to survive off of what little land we have left?" Levi stood up, arms crossed. The merchant from before opened his mouth, leaning forward against the wooden rail and placing his hand on his chest as he spoke.

"I'm simply saying that working on the gates is the only guarantee of protection that we've got." He said firmly, while a wall cultist leaned down and got to his face. _That's it, these wall cultist people are officially suspicious to me. As soon as I get out of here, the first thing I'm doing is looking into them._ You thought to yourself, watching as he interrupted the merchant pig. 

"Are you really suggesting that we lowly humans meddle with wall Rose?! A gift to us from on high?! The wall is a miracle! It's divinity transcends human comprehension, don't you understand?!" The merchant and the cultist kept arguing at each other, you and Eren only sat and watched. Though, you were holding onto every word the Cultist said, you wanted to remember it incase you had to act as one of their own in the future, you needed to know why they were this way, it has something to do with your family that adopted you. They obviously are connected to it, you just didn't know how. This wall cult was literally the one thing that kept your dodgy past history from being brought up to be used against you.

Zachary slapped his palm on the table, getting the two men to shut up and stop yelling at each other, less time for you to think about your situation. 

"I ask that you save this conversation for a more appropriate venue, now Yeager I have a question for you. As a soldier you have made a pledge to answer humanities call, can you still serve by controlling your abilities like L/n is capable of doing?" He asked, staring down at the brunette right next to you.

 _Oh no...they're gonna use me against him, aren't they? There's gotta be more, if they were gonna ask him this, they could have asked him earlier._ Your thoughts ran amuck, and your fears became true. you watched the scene unfold around you, apparently it was being explained that Eren attacked Mikasa while he was in his titan form, and now he's not showing any signs of remembering it. That's why they brought up Jean Kirstein, earlier. Because you proved that you were willing to go out of your way to save, and protect someone. While Eren? He did the complete opposite. And he wasn't even aware, until now.

"And who is this Mikasa Ackermann?" Zachary asked, followed shortly by the girl in question herself. You were hearing Mikasa speak for the first time in what felt like forever, a temporary moment of relief. 

"Me, that would be me sir." Her voice was filled with uncertainty, but she stood her ground. Mikasa was a strong girl, you knew it, everyone did. But...Eren really tried to crush her? You were unconscious for this, hell you were unconscious for the entire reclamation of Trost, you don't know the full content of what happened out there. There's things you didn't know yet, and things you wished that you did sooner.

"Is it true that Eren Yeager assaulted you while he was in titan form?" Hesitance filled the air, and Eren leaned out and stared his friend down up until the moment that she answered. His eyes were large, full of refusal. Did he really do this?

"Yes. All of that's true." Was what she said, voice full of confirmation, but with a heavy heart. Noise broke out around everyone, whisperings of calling him a wolf in sheep's clothing, someone even asked why he couldn't just be more like you. You gritted your teeth at the last comment that you heard, if any of these people had any idea what Eren was really like, they wouldn't be using you to make him seem like he's in the wrong. Even if you do make it out of this, you won't be able to forgive yourself for the way the public put you up on a pedestal over Eren, just because you understood how to use your titan better in this exact moment. If they just thought about what that even meant, they'd be more afraid of you then Eren. Because that means you would have had more time to practice, right? The only reason you know better than Eren does, is because there must have been a time where you were actively using your titan. It's the only answer, and one that doesn't make sense to anyone else right now. They just completely looked it over, something like that? 

"However, he also saved my life twice before. And in each circumstance, he was using his titan ability. The first, was shortly after Trost fell. I was nearly killed by another titan, but then Eren came up from out of nowhere with Y/n, and he stuck it down. He's the one who struck it down, not Y/n. He stepped in and protected me. The second time, he used his titan ability to transform and shield Armin, Y/n and I from cannon fire. I encourage you to take these facts into consideration as well." Mikasa was begging in the most respectful way that she could, you could tell even now that she was doing everything in her power that she could do for Eren. You just happened to be a byproduct of that, considering you were there too. If it was just you, you don't know. But you want to think that she would, but if it was just you would she have even been called here? If it was just you, you don't think she would have gotten hurt in the first place, right? This situation could be so different if it weren't for Eren.

"Objection! I have reason to believe that personal feelings play a large role in her testimony." Nile Dok shouted, you turned to face him, a torn look on your face. He was about to discredit Mikasa, and put an end at all the trust that Eren could have possibly gained in this moment.

But you were about to get the answer you've been wondering about these last few years. And oh, you wish you could unhear everything you're about to be told. It all made sense, but you didn't feel like you were allowed to know about this next bit of information. 

"Let the records show that Mikasa Ackermann was orphaned at a young age, subsequently taken in by the Yeager family. What's more, our own internal investigation into the matter, lead to a most shocking discovery. Eren Yeager, and Mikasa Ackermann, at the tender age of nine years old, dealt with three adult kidnappers." He paused, your blood ran cold as you looked over to Eren, and then Mikasa.

What did Nile Dok mean by 'Dealt with' three adult kidnappers? Your eyes trailed to Armin, remembering a conversation you had with him in the past about Eren and Mikasa. As Nile Dok continued to speak, not once did you look away from Armin, keeping your eyes locked on his the entire time as he came to explain the real reason why Mikasa and Eren are so close, something you'd always wondered about.

"The two of them stabbed the three men to death. Granted, this _was_ done in self defense! All the same, however, one cannot help but question the _violent_ nature of the act! Knowing all of this, should we really invest in _him?_ Money, manpower..." You stopped listening as Nile went off to explain his point, but you got the gist.

"Was that what you couldn't tell me, Armin?" You said to nobody in particular as you stared at the blonde. He didn't reply to you, only looked away. But Eren and Mikasa...killed three people, when they were kids? You couldn't believe it, that's what made them so close? It makes sense now, why she follows him everywhere. He protected her in an instant where she lost everything, and now he's all she has left. 

You get it, now. That feeling of jealousy towards the two of them faded away, and became noticed to you as just a misunderstanding. You never had any idea that's how it really was, and if you had any idea you wouldn't have let it get to you the way it had done before. Mikasa and Eren are always going to be their completely own unique connection, based off of that one instant. It was never anything personal, like you thought maybe it was. It was just them, and how they were.

You were so deep in your thoughts, trying to put everything together, that you didn't exactly notice the people starting to turn on each other, a member in the stands accusing Mikasa of even being a titan. The people were slowly starting to turn on anyone who was friends with you, and Eren. 

"Now hold on a second, maybe _I'm_ the monster you want dead, but you leave them out of this!" Eren's shouting finally caught you out of your thoughts, putting you back in the reality that was this court room. You looked over at him, alarmed in the fact that he's yelling and jolting against the chains and the metal beam behind him.

"Eren-!" You start, but he talks over you regardless.

"She must be one if he's protecting her." A person spoke in the room.

"She's innocent! _Stop it!_ " Referring to Mikasa, Eren tugged on his chains as hard as he could, you noticed the metal beam nudge slightly, meaning it he really tried to, then he could probably break it. He yelled out so loud, so intense. The whole room froze in it's place.

_"You're wrong. About it all._ Yet you're so intent on pushing selfish agendas, you're blind to what's in front of you." Eren stated coldly, you were about to speak up and say something in addition to what he's explaining, but Eren just shook his head at you, as if telling you that you shouldn't have to stick your neck out for him. Not yet.

"What do you mean." Nile Dok asked a question, though it came out more as a demand.

"What does it even matter? None of you have even seen a titan. So what makes you so afraid of them? There's no sense in having power if you're not going to _use_ it to fight! If you're too scared to fight for your own lives, fine! Let me- _no_ , let _us_ do it for you!" Eren shouted loudly up to everyone, leaning in the direction that you were kneeling. 

You looked at Eren, unsure of yourself at first, but then remembering why you were here in the first place. 

"You're all cowards! Just shut up, and-" Eren looked upwards, angry yet controlling eye contact riddled through him, and to a soldier who wore no clear expression.

"Put all your faith-" You mumbled out, small at first, but more clearly as you knew what you were getting yourself into.

"IN US!" The two of you belted out, exhaustion from the words that left your mouth. You looked up, the looks on everyone's faces were mixed, mostly shocked. 

You knelt there, sweat dropping from your face, partially getting on your shirt. You watched in horror as Nile Dok commanded someone with a rifle to take aim, Captain Bach staring you down before slowly raising her rifle at you. Not once did she break eye contact, yet a smile formed on her lips as the barrel of the gun started to slowly line up between your eyes. 

_She didn't fire the rifle. She actually hesitated._

Something hard and wet from Eren's direction went flying into the air, passing by your eyes in an uncanny speed. As it did, you noticed it was white, and covered in blood. You looked in his direction, seeing none other than Captain Levi swinging his boot across his face.

"What the-" You were about to start, but just as he had made his way over to Eren, he did the same to you. You were grabbed by the back of you scalp, hair between everyone of his fingers. He brought his knee up to your face, slamming it down into his knee cap. You felt your nose break on the action, blood rushing up out of your face and getting on the white fabric over his knee.

He stomped on the top of your head, shoving your face down into the ground before walking back to Eren with a quick grace and doing the exact same. You laid there, in your own blood and spit, once again. Steam slowly rose up out of your face, but in very small amounts. It was a thin line coming from the deepest parts of your new wounds, barely anything came out of it though. 

You watched from the ground as Levi kicked Eren to a pulp, beating him even more than you had been just a moment ago. But it seemed like anytime that you thought too hard about how long Levi was taking on Eren, he seemed to circle back to you and stomp the heel of his boot into the middle of your back. You'd groan in pain, muffling sounds into the grounds with every stuck he took on you, before heading back to Eren, and dealing his worst. 

_He's intentionally not going as hard on me as Eren, this was planned, right? God this is horrible, it hurts so bad._

"You know personally, I think nothing installs discipline like pain. And what the two of you are in need of, is a good lesson." He kept kicking down on Eren, stomping on the back of his head, jamming it into the ground below his face.

"And thankfully, you two seem to be in perfect kicking position."

All you could think about in this moment, though, was Captain Bach. Why did she hesitate? 


	21. 21: Commander Erwin

_"There's still too much that we don't know, and no doubt their danger will be ever present. As such, I suggest this. Eren Yeager and Y/n L/n be placed under captain Levi's supervision. We'll conduct a recon mission outside of the walls."_

_"Yeager and L/n will join you in this excursion?"_

_"Yes, Sir. You can look upon the missions results yourself, if he successfully controls his ability, Eren will have proven his value to humanity."_

_"Eren Yeager and Y/n L/n will be closely supervised? And if they should, lose control?"_

_"I can definitely kill them if it comes down to that, the only downside would be that there is absolutely no middle ground."_

*

"Ouch..." You mumbled, rubbing the top of your head. You sat in a smaller room with Hange Zoe, and Eren. She was tending to a wound on his face, while you tried to untangle your hair. Bits of it were clumped together in now dried blood, steam still rising off of your head in waves of pain.

"Does it hurt?" She asked Eren, "Yeah." He said shortly. "Describe it to me, then!" She shouted, while you looked at her and sighed. You'd kill for a hairbrush right about now.

"You're steaming up still, like a titan. You did this the whole you you were out, but it doesn't seem to work as well when you're awake through it, huh?" Hange asked you, noticing all the steam that raised to the ceiling. It wasn't enough to make the room too hot, or cloud anyone's vision, but it was enough to notice. 

"Yeah, I guess my body gets better when I'm asleep. Do you know how my mom's court hearing is going? Her name is Samantha Achen, her trial is in connection with-" You started, but you soon dropped the rag from your hand as Levi and Erwin entered the room and cut you off.

"Amelia Achen? Your mother's court hearing isn't going well, she's downright admitting to things that we can't confirm if she truly knows or not. She did all of that just to set your record straight, but I'm beginning to wonder if that's true." Levi tossed a piece of paper down to you, the writing on the pages sloppy and almost unreadable. 

"She requested us to give this to you as her last day having free will. She went into that court room knowing she'd be arrested for the information she was sitting on. We've already tried to make sense of what she wrote, but it doesn't seem like it's in the same language. Assuming you can translate it, we're gonna have you read it for us." Levi sat himself down next to Eren, while Commander Erwin stared at you from his side.

Your mother wrote you a letter, in the same language you came to her house with. It was obvious she didn't understand it, but she went and wrote in as much of it as she could understand, mixing in some of the language of the land of the walls in places where she seemed desperate for the right words. She's the one who taught you how to read and write like everyone else, it's no surprise that she was able to pick up on parts of your native tongue as she taught you, along the way. She learned enough to communicate with you, but not exactly the most clear. Some of it didn't make any grammatical sense at all in the slightest. 

_I am sorry as one has the ways of the thinking in the sorry._

You can just assume that this means that she's trying to say she's sorry. It seems so messed up, everything. Her handwriting is horrible, even in this. There has to be a reason she made it even more illegible. 

_What you hear will come learn as be true. Amelia Achens is sister mine of. She did do those things, however lie was told you were there. You did not come from there. They will ask of this letter, wrote very poorly with purpose intention. Say this words in language fabrication- lie to all._

 _"_ She's saying that Amelia Achen's did do those things. This language was one that she made up for the kids to get along with it. I think that's just proof that my mom- I mean Samantha knew what was going on back then." You said out loud, eyes scanning over the words you just read. She was asking you to lie to everyone, knowing full well that someone was going to ask you to read this letter of hers out loud. 

_Dont know where from you really are. I went to Orphanage because life missing love, wanted new. Found you instead. It just coincidence was, that other kids from Amelia's cult of small was there as well. I lied that you were one of kids those were, you have to now keep up lie that I told._

"She checked out the Orphanage after the walls broke, because she thought she would find one of those kids that Amelia took advantage of. She wanted to make things right by giving one of them a future." You said, eyes unwavering. There's no possible way anyone else in this room could read this language, your own mother could barely imitate it off memory. Yet with every word you read, you were fixing the errors of it in your mind. This language was the first one you ever spoke, and you knew it like the back of your hand. She was telling you that there was another reason she went to the orphanage, she lost the sight in her life of a mother and wanted to gain it back. She thought that by taking in another child, one that wouldn't leave her, she would get that love back. But you did, you ended up leaving her anyways.

Ever since her first daughter _, Captain Bach_ , left, Samantha was in an emotional rut. Being a mother was what brought that woman happiness, it's all she wanted to be. But she had confirmed to you just now, in this letter, that she doesn't actually know where you're truly from. It was just a coincidence that you were there, and she knew of the things her sister did. No matter who she told about it, nobody believed her. Not until all those children were found, on the day of the wall being broken into. And now she was telling you, that you had to keep up this lie that she just told the whole court room. Yet she never told you the name of her first daughter, so far in this letter. 

_Before adopted you we did, you fever had very ill. We waited had to until not sick home come with us. We told you always you that had nothing when took you in we did, but it lie was. In room our, under floor by window, fourth board floor to left of bed, you have belongings from home of where you came originally. Wanted to wait you were adult until give. But you grown up are now enough as my eyes see. I might never see you again, sorry I am that for._

"She's just saying that she's sorry for keeping it a secret. She wanted as much time with me as she could get, because she knew someday that it would catch up to her. She says I have personal belongings from my real family somewhere in the house that she held onto, waiting until I was an adult to get it." You said, tears biting back behind your eyes. When she took you in, she was saying that you had a fever, and you were extremely ill. Which is now something you know as a side effect of your titan abilities, and in combination with the fact that you know what state you were in when Adam, that soldier saved you, it just makes sense.

This confirmed your suspicion. You were a titan during the time that Shinganshina was destroyed. The cult that you mother is talking about in here, even if it is real, which it seems to be, isn't responsible for you. She used one bad secret to keep another hidden. She told you from the beginning that you didn't have anything that would connect you to your real family, other than this language you knew. But now she's telling you that you did actually have something that would give you a connection? And it's in her room, under the floor by her window. The fourth board to the left of the bed, something from your life before Shinganshina existed in that house. She hid it, and well too. 

_Get under the floor of house the. You special are girl. I know not what in those notes came with you, but might you. I know affection love of a mother when see it, yours did very much. One day me you will have talk again, when do you tell me everything can._

"She wants to talk to me again. She said she can tell my real mom must have truly loved me. I have some toys and a baby blanket in the house, she didn't say where though. She also said I was a special girl, but I'm sure all mothers think that." You said finally, as it was the end of the letter. She really did seem to try her best at writing to you in your own language, but she almost failed to the point it wasn't able to be read at all. She taught you the words you know today, which can with her learning some of what you knew. Some of the letters were backwards, even. 

Eren looked at you, hand reaching out to hold onto your wrist as he saw it shaking. This must be really hard on you, he was thinking to himself. He knows you and your mom aren't always on good terms, and watching all of this happen might just be more hurtful than he could imagine. 

"Interesting. Would you four mind if I have a moment alone with L/n here, to chat?" Commander Erwin faced Levi, Hange, Eren and Mobilit. Levi raised an eyebrow, but latched his hand onto Eren's shoulder and lead the boy out of the room. Hange followed suit, holding a cotton swab in one hand while Mobilit followed her out, closing the door behind himself.

You stared at your new Commander, anxiety raising in the back of your throat as you held the messy letter in your hands. Did he catch onto you lying through your teeth majority of the time? The only reason you lied was because your mom asked you too, how would you even explain it if you were asked? It's not like anybody else here can understand this language, it's a miracle your mother did, and she barely even could. That's probably years of studying what little you let her know, and applied it to paper. 

"Do you like books, L/n?" Commander Erwin pulled one out of a satchel that hung on his chair, the back of it at least. So he had come in here with something, actually you've noticed that satchel on his person at all times. He sat with one leg folded over the other, fingers flipping through a book that you couldn't see the cover of.

"Yes, sir. I enjoy reading." You said, feeling uncomfortable by the sudden gaze being imprinted on you by the taller, blonde man. He had such a stone set face, it rarely moved when he spoke.

"This book is considered banned by the government, though I can't read a word of it. May I see the letter, again?" He asked with politeness, you shakily gave him the letter, hands twitching becoming very obvious. _Oh no...he knows._

And now judging off of the reaction you gave him, he knows that you know. He saw the way your fingers twitched, the lump in your throat, everything. He saw the way you held yourself when you got nervous, and you slipped up and let him. You knew that he was onto you, and something was about to come of it.

"These two texts aren't the exact same, but this letter seems to be loosely based off of the writing in this book. Would you like to know why this book is considered banned in the government?" He paused, comparing the pages off the book to the text on the letter. His fingers pointed to sections that looked extremely similar in characters, though the hand writing was sloppy. There were differences, big ones too. But someone who could read the language could figure it out in the matter of seconds, that being you. And Erwin was able to put those pieces of information together. Apart of him was expecting you to sit there and tell him that you couldn't understand the letter your mother wrote. But you folded into his suspicions, and revealed yourself to him.

"Or is it because you know why these books are banned, that you chose to feign as much ignorance as possible? Any normal person would look at your mothers letter as chicken scratch of a fool. But you knew that she risked herself just by writing it, so if you chose to pretend that you didn't know what was on those papers, I would only report that back." Erwin said, you felt yourself growing smaller and smaller in your chair as the seconds passed, unable to think of anything to say in this moment.

God this is terrifying, this is scary, this is the worst feeling ever. 

"A-Are you going to report us? I know that anybody who questions the way things are run in here, they mysteriously go missing around the time the Military Police start looking for them." You fell back on the stories you've heard so many times, the reason why Armin had to hide the books he doesn't understand. 

"No. I'd never, but the people who _do_ get their hands on knowledge like this, usually can't make any _sense_ of it. I have no real way to confirm any truth to what you just told me, to be honest the things you said don't exactly matter. It's the fact that you spoke _at all_. You didn't know that it's considered rare, actually unheard of, for someone to be able to understand this. And yet you just told me that this language that Amelia Achen made up, was based off of one that came from the outside world." Erwin closed the book before you, and slid it across the table.

_The science of Electricity and how we know about it._

How could you have screwed up like this?! You knew that you shouldn't be able to read any of those things out loud to other people, just because you saw your mom imitate the language doesn't mean other people would suddenly get it. The only reason that Samantha did was because she's the one who taught you how to speak correctly! Of course she was able to pick up a couple things. You sat there, completely dumb founded. 

"I have a couple suspicions, but I don't believe you're an inherently bad person, though you do seem to have a habit of lying. I believe the two titans that attacked five years ago, more or less, or like you and Yeager. The boy has a full history, you don't. But there was not one report of a titan that looked like yours seen during what happened all those years ago, and there weren't even any burrows or holes big enough in the grounds to be tied back to you. I'm faced with no other choice to believe what your mother said on the stand, today." He stated finally, as well as sliding the letter back to you.

"I don't know _anything_ about myself. Every memory I have since before the age of nine is basically _gone,_ I knew some stuff and just as soon as I was starting to get a grip on it, it all just went _away_." You put your hands on your knees, curling your knuckles as tears wrapped around your eyes. He just called you a liar, but also that he didn't think you were a bad person. You couldn't hold back all this stress anymore, and the tears started to slide past your cheeks anyways.

"I want to know who I am, where I'm from, what any of that even means. I know it's an absurd thing to suggest, Sir, but I wouldn't put it past me to think that I might be from outside the walls. I have no proof of it, but I could have also been from a small village in the forest as well, I could have lived an undocumented life just as easily. I don't know how I ended up in Shinganshina, but I'd like to learn! I didn't lie _once_ while in that court room, I can swear it to you!" You said, body shaking as you made your ground. You didn't look up at him, but you heard him get out of his seat. He walked around you, placing a firm hand on your shoulder. You stopped your crying in that moment, feeling like you were about to faint.

You really thought you were gonna have to go back out into that court room again.

"Then we have the same goal, L/n. I'll tell no one of what happened in this room here today, on one condition." His voice was kind, almost. It sounded like he was trying to have a connecting moment with you, building up trust.

"You keep all of this to yourself, as well. To you, that language is one that was made up based off of the one in the books. I don't care if that was a lie told by your mother to save your skin, but for now you have to keep it up. The only people you can tell new information to on this topic is me, and Captain Levi himself. Am I understood?"

What did he want with this information? Samantha said that you came to live with her with items in your possession, one of those items she described as having notes attached to it. Notes that she believed to be written by your actual, biological mother. 

More things for you to translate and tell to Erwin? How honest can you be with him? He just called you out on the biggest lie you've ever told, or was it a secret you kept to yourself? Either way, at the end of the day, Erwin knows something that nobody else does, just because he was the one to catch you slipping up.

"Yes, Sir." Oh, you understood. But you wanted to know why.

"Good-"

"Why? If the Military Police found out that I understood a language in connection to the books that they didn't want getting around the kingdom, they'd probably do something about my family. And you know that I can use the abilities of a titan. Those two things shouldn't fall on the same person, that's too many coincidences, right? Why aren't you going to report me? You make it sound like I can't be trusted." You asked, hands still shaking, but this time you yanked your face up to stare at the man, turning your neck to see him just before he had touched the door. He froze in place, as if not expecting you to have so much to say about it. He really thought you'd use as little words as possible to try and clear your name.

_She's more interesting than I originally pegged her to be._

"You're different then Yeager, that much I can tell. You keep things to yourself, you wait for the appropriate moment to speak. I noticed when the two of you both yelled at the same time out there, that you only did so after he did. It's true that both these coincidences landing on the same person would be suspicious, if you weren't on our side. In combination with Grisha Yeager's cellar back in Shinganshina, and you being able to even partially understand a dead language? I'd say humanity has a good turn in events coming, and relatively soon. To look the opportunity of knowledge in the face and deny it during troubling times like these, would be to admit to extinction." It was the last thing Erwin said to you before he gave you a kind look.

"To put it simply, the only real reason I'd see not to trust you, would be the fact that you don't understand anything at all either. Don't you think that benefits both of us?" Erwin wasn't going to downright admit what his own goals in learning what you forgot where, but something about you just made him question everything in life just a little bit further.

You suggested maybe that you came from outside the walls, in a _desperate_ attempt at trying to understand where he was coming from. _But that was it_. The fact that you saw some reality in such a _ridiculous_ statement, was all the reason Erwin needed to keep you in the scouts.


	22. 22: Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fluff!!

[Later, that night]

"Hey. Been looking all over for you, they've been trying to separate us but I figured you'd be somewhere like this before heading off to bed." Eren's voice from behind you perked you out of your thoughts, you had been in the horse stables for the last two hours, cleaning and just associating with them. Captain Levi gave you the job of taking care of them tonight, and put none other than Petra Ral in charge of you during that time you were working. 

"Eren, Miss Petra is just around that corner. The last thing we should be doing right now is breaking their trust, who's eyes were you supposed to be staying in anyways? If you want to talk to me, please go talk to her first. We have no right to act out of the positions we were told to stay in. If they're keeping us separated, it's for a good reason." You said, jamming a finger in his direction. He was wearing new uniform clothes, and was given a green cloak. You were given one as well, but you kept it on a stack of hay in the meantime.

Eren was about to say something, but Petra appeared out of the corner you had just told Eren about. She gave the two of you a kind wave, and you returned the favor. Petra was really someone you enjoyed being paired with, so far. She's nineteen years old, and already has a massive amount of kills under her belt while out on the field. She's a cute, small petite redheaded girl. She really pushes the boundaries of what it means to be a soldier, Levi selected her himself. Petra is just astounding, you thought. 

"Hey! She's got a point, you know. I'll let you two chat for a little, but only because Y/n's so self aware of the situation at hand, you ought to take some notes from her!" Petra huffed, but none the less she gave you a soft smile and a thumbs up. The two of you talked for a long period of time earlier, bonding over things you had in common. You learned that she really likes artichokes, too. You told her about how you trained with Eren, Mikasa and Armin, and she asked you how you felt about each of them individually. She teased you and gave you a hard time when it came to Eren, though. She had told you at one point that she see's the way you look at him when you think nobody is paying attention, and then a gaze like that can only mean one thing.

_Love._

Of course you aggressively denied it, even went so far as to contemplate requesting someone else to supervise you for the time being. But you just didn't think you'd get along with anyone else the way you were getting along with Petra. Nobody else was an underestimated girl like she was, everybody looks over her at first glance. And that's her selling point. 

"Did you need something?" You asked, picking up the shovel again and scooping up horse poop with it. The sun had been well down for a couple of hours, the stars sprinkled in the sky like little dim lights. Lanterns and torches were the only lights that illuminated yours and Eren's faces, the two of you knowing that soon it would be time for you to return and go back in. The survey corps was using a castle as their home base, currently. 

"I'm just sorry, I never stopped to think about what you were always going through. I dragged you into this plan and it got you locked up behind a cell, and stuck in chains. Even when we were both in our titan forms, you were still cleaning up after me. I'm the reason that you got found out, all of your discomfort is because of me." He took the shovel out of your hands, leaning it against the panel frame of the door. The two of you stood inside the stables, for what seemed like the first time in weeks. It was like being back in the cadet corps, honestly. 

"If you hadn't of exposed me, you sure did me the trouble of having to do it myself. If I was alone and did all that, I'm sure I would have freaked out and did something dumb. I know you know I'm not the most stable cookie in the jar, right Eren? You saw me panicking back there, in the court room. You even put your hand on my wrist when I was reading that letter, how could I have done something like this alone? It's not like I could have chosen not to expose myself, either. It would have happened one way or another." You explained, watching as Eren only sighed. His teal eyes absorbed the light of the flame off the wall, staring down deeply into your own e/c ones. His soft, brown hair seemed fluffier today too. He had finally gotten the chance to wash it and he was a brand new person since then, at least he didn't smell so bad anymore.

"I'm not as good at it like Mikasa and Armin are. They always seem to know what to do when you start to get upset like that, not me." Eren sighed in defeat, wondering what was so different about him that made it so uncomfortable for him to be as present for you as his other two friends were. You looked at him, watching his face change a could times while thoughts you didn't know filled his head. He moved himself, walking up a couple stacks of hay before finally taking a seat.

You followed suit with him, sighing yourself as you took the same steps he did. You're sure that Petra wasn't too far from here, probably listening to everything the two of you were saying. Sure, she was doing it because Captain Levi told her to keep an eye on you at the moment, but she'd be lying if this wasn't the most entertaining, juiciest, gossip like thing she'd heard in weeks. Being a scout is hard work, and your friends don't often get to live out your life with you. So moments like these were often cherished between everyone.

"You don't have to be good, I just have to get a better handle on things. Just you being here is enough for me, honestly. You and I don't get to be alone together often, and the times we do, it's always kinda weird right?" You asked, feeling his hands tighten around a piece of straw he had been holding onto. 

"Yeah. You're usually with Armin."

"And you're usually with Mikasa." A burning reality of what you had heard flashed across your mind, picturing Mikasa and Eren as kids, killing three fully grown adults. You cringed at the thought, inhaling sharply and moving your hand away from behind Eren's. 

"I'm sorry, I totally forgot about that. I won't ask you about it, you can just tell me why you came and found me, though." You said quickly, trying to forget the images that you feel like you weren't allowed to see. Eren's face softened on you as he realized what you were thinking of just now. He wonders if you view him as any less of a person, knowing what he did all those years ago. 

"Captain Bach is your adoptive mothers real daughter, and your adoptive mother is facing trial for the crimes that she kept to herself, done by her _own_ sister. We both grew up in Shinganshina, but you were kidnapped and forced to listen to some looney nut go on about these damn stupid walls. When everything went to shit, you and those other kids must have gotten out of there. That's when you were adopted, by the sister of the woman who put you in that position in the first place. That's so _screwed up,_ I don't know how that woman could look at you everyday and keep something like that to herself." Eren's teeth grit together, eyebrows fixated into a downright glare. He wasn't looking at you, but he was crunching his fists together in a tight ball. This is when you realized that where you were too anxious to bring up his past with Mikasa, he didn't seem to hold the same sentiment when it came to the childhood you had. The one that he was presented with, at least.

Because that wasn't true. Only half of it that he just said was true, but the part where you were involved? Not at all. But you couldn't tell Eren that, part of this whole agreement was that you had to continue the lie your mother started. Erwin said to you directly that nobody else besides Captain Levi and himself and know anything different.

And so once again, you were put in a position where you were forced to lie. Over, and over, and over again. It feels like this is all you do, anymore.

"Yeah. I wouldn't pay too much attention to it, what good is it if I can't even remember?" You didn't want to confirm it to Eren that this was a lie, but you didn't want to straight up tell him that this wasn't the truth, either. Maybe if you can plant small seeds of doubt, he can figure it out himself. If Eren finds out himself, it's not as though you lied to him, right? Erwin would have to forgive you if Eren came up to the solution himself, right? 

"We could have met, and didn't even know it. I could have seen you with that piece of shit that took you from your parents, and not even know what was happening behind it." Eren was _shaking_ , now. You grew more concerned for him as the seconds passed, this wasn't about you anymore, that much was obvious. Eren was holding himself responsible for too many things all at once right now. 

"Hey, Eren stop. There's nothing you could have done, what happened is finished. There's more to it that the two of us don't get yet. Holding yourself accountable is only going to slow you down." You slowly grabbed his hand, he flinched for a moment the second the two of you made contact.

He looked at you, the hood on his cloak falling down past his shoulders. The moon above the two of you lit up from above, the opening in the ceiling let that ray of light shine down directly on the two of you, and the two of you alone. So you sat there with him, on bundles of hay. He was at a taller height than you, able to look down at your face from his position. 

The two of you stared at each other in silence for a couple more moments, wondering if this was the reason why the two of you don't spend much time alone. The way he was looking at you, it was just something you couldn't explain. He looked like he was crying earlier, by the red marks around his eyes and the bloodshot veins that showed. As his hand that once flinched at your touch, he stayed completely still while you reached for his hand again, this time wrapping your fingers around his.

"What happens to me is not your fault. The way I deal with things is not your fault. I want you to remember that, things should make more sense as time goes on." It was all you could say right now, not knowing what else to. Lying to Eren, especially to his face, it wasn't something you wanted to do. So instead, you didn't. You were just choosing to be cryptic instead, and he could hate that as much as he wanted, but at least he wouldn't be able to say that you lied to him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked softly, hand not even pulling away from your own. In this moment, the two of you felt completely alone. His hand doesn't feel the same way on you that Armin's does, it just rests there between your fingers. You can tell he isn't actively trying to make you calm down, or bring you back to reality. No, he's staying holding onto your hand because you reached out first, like you always do. It's just something you did in moments that were either too serious, or not serious enough.

"Hey, I'm on a secret mission right now. You can't go ruinin' it for me. I'm clearly better than you at this whole titan thing, didn't you hear them in that court room?" You jokingly said, trying to turn the attention from serious to playful. He's bound to take you less intensely if you just start messing with him instead. 

In the matter of a second, he rolled his eyes and snapped his hand out of your grasp. It immediately went back into his lap, but you saw the way he touched his fingers with his other hand after you let go. It was like he was trying to get that feeling back, even if for a moment.

Your face went red and you looked away, breathing suddenly became way too hard, didn't it? 

_H-he's kinda cute?_

"Haha very funny, why don't you keep rubbing it in? I'm sure your inner _Jean_ would love to hear that." Eren narrowed his eyes on you, going from soft and concerned one moment, to judgmental and agitated the next. But you heard something twinge in his voice that wasn't there before, and it only happened when he said Jean's name. You either never noticed it, or it just flat out didn't exist until now.

"Hey, you got Mikasa and Armin. I was stuck growing up with _Jean_ , he might be a fucking asshole but I can't deny that I might be the reason he's like that. I don't think he'll join the scouts, so it wouldn't hurt to really tell you about it. He used to be a really sweet kid, I swear." You held your hands up in defense, with a smile. Eren dropped the agitated look, and just raised a thick brown eyebrow at you. 

"It's true, he used to even be kinda chunky. I wanted friends to play with but all the other kids thought I played too rough. Jean was the only one who would stick through it, even if it meant he went crying home to his mom at the end of the day. You already know that his mom and my mom are friends, so I got to spend a lot of time over at the Kirstein's. I guess over time we became really competitive, and he was actually able to keep up with me." You started poking your straw of hay into the stack under you. Eren wasn't going to admit that he was interested in your story about Jean, but the idea of a fat Jean really made him let out a laugh.

"One day we got in a fight though, it was six months before I enlisted. He told me all about his plan to go into the military with me, and I was all for it at first. He really liked the idea of us both becoming soldiers together, I didn't know if it was something he picked up on his own, or got from me. But once he told me he wanted to do it so he could have a big family and live inside wall Sina, I knew he didn't get it from me. I would tell him everyday that I think the Military Police are cowards, yet that's what he wanted to do." You said with a sigh at the end. You frowned at it, it's such a dumb thing to hold against someone. Who cares, really? So what, all he wanted was a family. You had no place to judge him, especially the way you did for the last three years. 

"I hope he and Marco made it to the military police. I hope that Marco's wish comes true, that he can make some kind of change. I hope that Jean gets to have a family someday, and that they live deep inside the walls. Really, that's all he wants. I probably don't have any right telling you this, but I feel bad for the way I treated him over the last three years. I think if you knew why he thought the way he does, it'd make a little more sense." You said, frowning. Eren let out a sharp scoff, and swung his arm over your shoulder.

"He's still a horsefaced bastard. If you want to go apologize to him, you can do that. I hope he puts his talent towards something useful. But I guess I can understand, putting that aside for a future with goals like that." Eren had no idea Jean wanted a family someday. The fact you shared that with him made him feel a little more at ease with you, if you're able to understand someone like Jean so well.

He sat there with his arm around your shoulder, not looking at you although he pulled you in closer. He could feel the heat of your body against his, mostly from your neck above. 

"If Mikasa and Armin end up not choosing to join the scouts, it's just gonna be us." Eren said plainly. He kept his hand on you, but he let it slowly come to a rest in the middle of your back. Every movement he made against you just made you get more anxious as the seconds passed. This was a serious conversation, and yet you're sitting here with your head spinning inside your own mind. 

"They saw titans up close and personal. They were almost executed just for associating with us. Do you think they'll still want to be with us?" Eren asked, not looking at you. You looked up at him, unable to see his eyes as they were covered by his hair. You felt his hand on your back grip the fabric that covered you, bunching it up. This was obviously something that got to him.

"I don't think Armin would miss a chance to find the ocean himself, and I don't think Mikasa would leave you alone without her." You said quietly, slowly reaching your hand behind Eren's back, and copying the action he had just done for you. The both of you sat on bales of hay, with your hands on each others backs, being held close. The two of you stared off into the moon, wondering how things are going to be. It was an intimate moment, one you haven't had with anyone else. 

"You're right. One day, the four of us will see the ocean together. Water filled with so much salt, a merchant could spend his entire life and not even come close to getting every drop. Water so hot like fire, it comes out of mountains in the ground-" Eren's hand wrapped tighter around your body as he continued going on about the world Armin described to him, one that became familiar to you the longer he spoke. You could see images in your head of what these things looked like, but you couldn't say for sure that it's what they looked like. As Eren's grip on you felt more secure, your face kept getting more and more hot. _Does he even realize what he's doing?!_ You thought to yourself, surely he doesn't.

"Lava. It's called Lava. When it's under the ground, it's called Magma." You told him. He turned his face to look at you, confused. "How do you know that?" He asked, completely unaware of how close the two of you were sitting next to each other. He ignored the pink tint that crossed your cheeks, too. Completely oblivious to the position he had put you in, seeming to even be oblivious to the way you had started to feel about him too. 

"I just do, um I heard Armin say it or something at some point. You should ask him about the lights in the sky, the ones that change colors, they're called Aurora Borealis, I think you'd like them." You said, keeping your eyes trained away from Eren's face. The way he just got excited over small things made your heart flutter in a way that made you feel sick to your stomach. He was smiling right now, a big toothy grin. You were actively choosing not to see it, though. 

"Why don't I just ask you? Armin knows a lot of things, that's true. But he's not the only one. You've always shown an interest from the distance, Armin even says that he thinks you know more than you let on. So what gives? Why don't you just be more open like Armin is, it's just me and Mikasa you'd be telling this stuff to, and none of us would make any report." Eren pulled you closer into his side, trying to get you to look at him. He even shook your body slightly, yanking you into his direction forcefully. 

_Because I'm not supposed to be telling you guys the truth right now, I have to wait until we know more about things, Eren..._ You thought to yourself, but the look on his face just pulled the answers that you didn't know you even had, right out of you. Something about Eren...just brought it out.

"When I first met you, I was just showing off something to Armin that I knew how to explain. When you rub your hands together between a piece of fabric that's soft enough, you can charge particles in your body and use it to shock someone. Well, The Aurora Borealis is sort of the same way. It's when particles of gas that come from the sun collide in the air. I don't know how to explain too much of it, but when it happens, the sky turns into pretty colors. I know that just sounds like a sunset, but this is better. It's like waves of green, blue and purple, and they kind of just stack onto each other in a pretty way. It's beautiful." You really don't know if you should be doing this, but here goes nothing.

Eren listened in content as he watched you explain what different things were, once he got you talking it's like you just didn't stop. He never heard Armin go into this much detail about things he'd learned in those books, and that boy sure went into so many details. Eren watched your face go from soft, and delicate at first. He witnessed you start at an anxious beginning, but eventually you ended up looking just like Armin. The way you smiled when you talked about things, you pulled your hand out from behind Eren and use it with the other. You made big gestures when talking about big things, the way your voice sounded when you got excited was something he didn't even realize he liked listening to. 

He watched you explain that you believe humans were made out of the same things stars were, and in that moment he thought only someone like _you_ could be made out of stars. 

You got more excited as time went on, your hand movements became so quick that you ended up losing your balance and falling forward, and since Eren had his hand on your back, he grabbed the back of your shirt as you fell. Though it wasn't enough to keep you upright, and the two of you went falling down the hill that the stable resided on.

"Oompf!" You let out a groan in pain as you rolled down the hill, Eren wrapped his arms around your body as soon as the two of you made impact with the ground, pulling you in close to him to shield you from the ground as much as he could. He rolled with you, taking as much as the damage as he could. He knew you were still weak from today, and everything that came before it. He came to you with the guilt in his chest that he was responsible for everything that had happened to you, and you cleared that up for him. But he wasn't just gonna continue letting you get beat up for no good reason. Even if this time it was just your own clumsiness. 

The two of you finally made it at a stop, ending in the middle of a field with purple flowers that sprouted out of the ground, just like the ones from before. Eren had both his hands on either side of your face, his knees on either side of your own. He had used his right arm and leg to keep you from rolling any further away, but a drop of blood from his own nose dripped out, and down onto your face. He must have hit his head when the two of you were rolling down the hill like that. 

His blood ran down your cheek, and you stared up at him with wide e/c eyes. He had the same look, unable to turn his face away from you. This was definitely a first, both of you were too stunned to even move, let alone breathe too hard.

"Sorry." Eren said, eventually. He pushed himself up away from your face, and he was unaware of every nerve in your body that was screaming at you to grab him closer and just hold him there. He got up, and stood before you. Completely unaware of the thoughts you were trying to process in your head. 

You took his hand, and wiped off his blood with your free one. It would evaporate, over time. But for right now, it was a stain on your shirt. Eren let go of your hand just as quickly as he had reached for it to pull you back up onto your feet. You were unable to look him in the eyes for more than a couple seconds, without having to look away instantly. 

"Hey! You two kids, what are you doing?!" Petra yelled in the distance, she was running after you and Eren. She must have heard the commotion and chased the two of you outside as soon as she realized what was going on.

"You gotta get back now, come on!" Petra yelled once again, you could tell she was tired of babysitting now, and just wanted to go and turn in for sleep herself. 

Eren looked back at you, and gave you a smile.

"Last one over has to clean the rest of the stables tomorrow!" He yelled at you, before taking off running.

"What the hell?! You can't just take my job, what am I gonna do then, did you even think that through you idiot?!" You shouted back, taking after him and running in the redheads direction.

You don't know what that was, but Eren really managed to get you to talk so much. You just wish you knew how he did it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think? 22 chapters in and we get to the cute part finally, but it's kinda sad if you think about it ;-; especially the part with Marcooooo


	23. 23: Petra Ral

Your bed last night, well it was a cot with chains. The survey Corps did their best for you both, but truthfully their accommodations were the best they could do. You had to be locked up while you slept. They kept you and Eren under ground in a cellar beneath the castle, which meant you even had to sleep in the room right next to Eren's. 

The next morning at breakfast down in the mess hall of this massive castle, you didn't look at Eren once. You avoided eye contact with him at all, and every cost. Even when he made an attempt to come sit near you, you asked Petra if you could excuse yourself temporarily. 

You couldn't allow it. Last night you realized what everyone was saying was true. Armin has gotten on you about it before, not exactly saying it directly but he's brought it to your attention. He's made you aware of how you think of Eren, even challenged it. Armin has always watched the way you interact around Eren, and it's not even remotely the same as Mikasa does. And when Petra brought it up last night, you were faced with the reality of the matter.

You're screwed. 

You caught yourself, too. You kept staring at Eren's face last night, you even inched your own closer to his at some point. You kept going on and on about what you thought the outside world was like, putting your place of Erwin's trust in jeopardy. You don't even know if any of those things were true, they were just from books that you had no way of confirming. Eren is believing a lie about you, one that you can't tell him is wrong. All you're doing is lying, everyday just a different one. You can't believe you thought that you wanted to know how soft his lips were, after talking to you last night. Just one passing thought, and it kept you up. _You wanted to know what it was like to kiss someone,_ not just anyone, but Eren specifically. 

You quite literally slapped yourself at the thought, catching the eyes of Captain Levi in the hallway as he passed the mess hall. He was about to head in for food in the morning, but he saw you at the end of the corridor and made his walk just a little more slow, curious as to what you were doing. But he just saw you slap yourself, that's a bit odd.

"Is there a reason for that?" He asked, scaring you in the process. He seemed to have truly come out of nowhere, and your salute was immediate and fast. You fumbled on your feet, unbalanced as you shot him a respectful stance.

"No, Sir! I was just trying to wake myself up, that's all!" You held your face in high regard, even with a red hand print slowly fading away onto your cheek. Captain Levi just walked past you, not even a confused look on his face. He just seemed like you were acting out, being weird. 

"Whatever you say, brat." He said as he turned the corner, god he really scares you sometimes. But he's also so fascinating. 

*

"Now this opulent bullshit is little more than a holding cell. It's the place where we store our newest toys." Oluo said, now you and everyone were on horses. It had been past breakfast, and Captain Levi ordered everyone to head out for some reason that you didn't know yet. Oluo had gone on and on about the history of the castle, he often spoke a little too highly of himself you grew you notice. It made you a little uncomfortable, especially when he would talk to Petra like he knew so much more than her. And on top of that, he would often look at her with a gaze that made your skin squirm. She was the one you were really starting to like the most, but the others were making themselves known to you and Eren now.

You rode your horse next to Eren, despite how badly you didn't want to. It was just simply where you were placed, but you had to go through with it anyways. You weren't going to refuse a direct order, just because your feelings got in the way. The whole point of this was so that you didn't have any of those feelings like that to begin with, and now? Damn it.

_Every day, I have to lie to him. I have to stare at him and lie, and I'll have to do the same things to Mikasa and Armin. You're a liar, Y/n. They wont trust me once they eventually learn, even if Commander Erwin did ask me to keep things to myself. Just stop the damage now, don't get any closer to them then you already are. It shouldn't be that fucking hard._

These were the things you told yourself about the situation you were being put in. Commander Erwin probably had no idea of the mental turmoil it was causing you, but you decided that if it became an issue on the battle field, you would talk to Captain Levi and see if you could request to have a meeting with Erwin over the matter, if you were allowed to.

Every time you look at Eren, your chest has that stupid ugly feeling again. It's best to just make yourself stop thinking about him like this. No good can come out of it. Nobody joins the scouts because they wanna have a big old family, fall in love and get married. You don't think anybody in the scouts has ever had a future like that. Your life is bound to end in one way and one way only.

By a titan. 

Convincing yourself anything other than that would be unfair, and cruel. Not to mention, there's absolutely no way he would feel the same. Not that you think it's even possible, nor do you want him to obviously. The whole idea just grosses you out, anyways.

"Don't be expecting the royal treatment. Weather you're titan or human, don't imagine for a second that we all share the sa-CHACK!" You looked over at the noise, Oluo was trying to tell Eren something and put himself up on his mighty high horse, but somehow managed to bite his tongue instead. You held your hand over your mouth to keep from laughing, watching as blood dripped down the mans chin. He had such a conceded little face, and a similar hairstyle to Jean. It was funny watching karma sneak up on him out of nowhere, causing him to bite his own tongue. How funny.

Eren looked at you while you laughed, but as soon as you saw him turn your direction you turned away. 

He frowned, looking forwards as Oluo said more nonsense under his breath. _Did I say something to upset her last night?_ He can't help the thought that passes by, and he watches you on your horse whilst you guide it past him, a little ahead. He watches you take your green cloak, slinging over the hood, hoping that you'd turn around to look at him.

_Why though?_ He thinks, recognizing the thought that crossed his mind. The whole day so far, he had gone out of his way to be around you. Every attempt he had ended in you either leaving the room, or refusing to make eye contact with him. It was like he just didn't exist to you.

_Why do I even care so much, is the better question._ Eren hummed it over in his head, thinking of every moment last night to where he could have said something that upset you. He honestly can't think of anything, so it makes no sense.

But, he thinks that he's starting to see you in a different light then before all of this happened. You've changed, you aren't the same girl as you were before. Something clearly happened, something that he didn't know about yet. And he's kind of impressed with how well you're handling things now. Other than this morning, you've really opened up to him. He's starting to like the kind of person that you're changing into. He hopes that you're not the only one maturing, and that he's changing in the right ways too.

You can't be the only one making progress, he has to also. You just encouraged him to be better, as of lately. 

*

"Rookie needed to learn his place, first impressions are important." You could hear Oluo talk in the distance, Petra stopped by his side to make sure that he was physically fine. No other reason, other than to maybe tell him to give you and Eren a break.

Speaking of Eren, you had to set your horse up right next to his, seeing as they went to the same stable together. You were going to start distancing yourself from him, starting today. But you still wanted him in your life, you understood that cutting him out completely would be way too hard. But you came to the realization earlier on the horses that it's better to just slowly create distance, as opposed to just removing him from your life altogether. You had to find reasons not to think so seriously about him, but you didn't think you'd be capable of abandoning him entirely. Eren Yeager is just a friend.

_Duh, of course he is. What makes me think he's not? He's just the same old brickheaded boy that I could probably take any day in training. I could wipe the floor with him if I felt like it, probably._ You thought to yourself, unlatching the buckles on your horses reigns. Her name was Amy, so you had been told. 

_Why don't I just ask you? Armin knows a lot of things, that's true. But he's not the only one. You've always shown an interest from the distance_.

Your face goes bright red when you think of the words Eren said to you last night. Your hands fumbled with the reigns on the horse, and she got a little nervous as you tried to force the belts into the right positions. You were breathing heavily, but also trying to hold it in at the same time. Eren took notice of this, and watched you in quiet amusement as you got even more flustered. You were really struggling there, while Petra and Oluo had their conversation in the distance. 

"What are _you_ looking at, idiot." Your words caught Eren by surprise, he folded his arms across his chest and raised an eyebrow at your sight alone. 

"I was about to offer you help, but it looks like you don't think you need it." Eren had stated firmly, as he stood on the grass under his feet. He was also listening to Petra and Oluo talk behind the two of you, it was pretty obvious that Oluo kept comparing himself to Levi any way that he could. Petra even pointed it out, saying that the two of them couldn't be any more unalike even if they were born as different species. 

"That's right, I don't need your help. You can stop looking at me like that, too. It's weird." You replied, the last part more soft then the first. You kept your eyes focused downwards, thinking things to yourself that Eren would no doubt try to argue if he heard. _I'm just going to bring you more grief, one day you'll figure out I'm lying to you and it wont end well_. 

"Looking at you like what...? Y/n, did something happen last night, did you get another one of those weird dreams again? Because if that's the case you can tell me, I'm starting to get some weird ones too lately." Eren said, walking next to you and taking the reigns of your horse himself, adjusting the straps regardless of what you just said to him.

"Not that I'm saying they're as big of a deal as yours. Clearly there's something else to it when you have them, I'm just saying that if it has anything to do with your memories being screwed up, mine are a little out of order, too." He clarified, hoping that he hadn't overstepped his boundaries with you. It's true, he had a weird dream last night, one about his dad. 

"Eren, I haven't had one of those weird dreams since the day you plugged up the hole in Trost. I've been fine. Sorry you've been having weird dreams, but I can't relate with that right now. I'm not sure why they just randomly stopped, but I kind of wish they hadn't. I understood things better when they did, and now that I don't? I'm just as clueless as before." You replied, knowing that if you don't tell him something then he probably won't get off your back. Remaining as close to him as you were before is fine, but letting him in on things that are getting under your skin, it's only going to make things worse. Which, is exactly what you just did. Let him in on something going on under your skin.

"Hope this isn't selfish, but I'm glad you've stopped having those nightmares. If I could have taken them away-"

"Eren shut up. Listen to them." You cut him off, stopping in your tracks and focusing your attention on Petra and Oluo.

"If you intend to hound me like a wife Petra dear, there's rather more of me you need to be acquainted with. Before laying claim to the honor, of course." Oluo said from behind the two of you, making both you and Eren look over at the pair in disgust. Had he really just said that? Out loud, even? Jesus. 

"Wow, you wish. I'd tell you to bite your tongue, but you already did that. Next time, I hope you bleed out." Petra scoffed, leaving you and Eren to look back at each other once again. The two of you held as straight faces as you could, trying not to laugh or let them know you two were listening in.

"So this is them, huh?" You asked, Eren seemed to nod, dropping the look off his face and sighing.

"The scouts special operation squad, and I thought they'd be so much more serious. They're about as Elite as they come, though." He replied, watching as another man walked past Petra and Oluo, who only continued to bicker at each other and go at it even more. A man named Eld, he had blonde hair and kept it up in a pony tail, that was pinned to the back of his head. Gunter was another man with him, both of them you recognized as the two that gave you some fruit at breakfast. 

"Everyone of these scouts was hand picked by Captain Levi for their accomplishments in the field. That and," Eren paused, looking over everybody and then back to you. He had suddenly got all serious out of nowhere, but for good reason. 

"They'll be my executioners. The one's who'll end me if I lose it." Eren said finally, causing you to raise an eyebrow at him, crossing your arms over your chest. The birds outside chirped their little tunes to nature, a gust of grass scented wind blew over. 

"What do you mean _your_ executioners, you're forgetting I'm here too, right?" You asked, an annoyed look on your face. There's no way he forgot that you were also a titan shifter, not that it'd be out of character for him to make himself so special in the moment. 

"You can control your titan, I can't. Remember? You said it yourself, last night." With that he walked away, bumping his shoulder into your own. You couldn't help but suddenly feel bad for the comment you made back then, wondering if it upset him more than he lead on. 

But...wasn't that the point?

As he walked away, you felt regret for your actions that you chose this morning. You were already considering it too hard to be distant to him. It's like you were stuck, once you realized the thoughts you had for him. If distancing yourself wasn't going to work, you had to find out a new way. 

*

The whole day you and Eren spent cleaning up the castle, the two of you avoided small talk for the remaining period while you were both too busy cleaning, knowing damn well that Captain Levi wouldn't be okay with anything less than perfect. 

You tried to ask Eren about the dream he had last night, feeling sorry that you shoved him off when all he was trying to do was understand something. But his response was reminding you that you said you didn't feel like you shared that in common with him at the moment. You took that as your sign that Eren probably didn't want to talk about it after you said something like that to him, he'll probably come around later, or tomorrow.

God this whole thing was just so stupid. It's probably best to just tell him and get it over with, and then explain that it's why you can't take him seriously right now. No better way to kill feelings than by admitting them out loud, right? Plus it was just a stupid crush, one that you're sure he'd berate you for. He knows better than anyone else that the military isn't the time or place for things like this. With any luck, he'd just shoot you down and tell you to focus on reality. He'd probably try to convince you that it was just because the two of you had something else in common, and that it was turning into a titan at will. Nobody else as far as you could tell was like that, and it'd be hard to understand someone so intimately who didn't get it. That had to be it, right? This was temporary. 

"Eren." You said, inside one of the many rooms of the castle, you were sweeping up a pile of dust. It had seemed to be almost nothing, really. But your thoughts really managed to catch you off guard while you were trying to focus. He was on the other side of the room, window open. People outside could see into the room easily, it wasn't rare that you made eye contact with someone out there.

"What?" He asked, not looking back at you. He had his own pile of dirt he was focusing on. Both of you seemed to be doing the exact same thing on opposite corners of the room, thinking yourselves into the back of your mind while you swept up piles that didn't matter. He wore a white wrap over his head, and another one around his neck like a handkerchief. 

"I just wanted to tell you something, I guess it's just been bothering me lately." You started, causing him to turn around and look at you for the first time in about half an hour. He put the broom along the wall, pulling up the white fabric around his neck, and wiping sweat off his face with it. 

You suddenly forgot what it was you wanted to say, knowing the intention and the point of it was to address your new feelings _about_ Eren, but now that he's looking at you? God it's so hard now. All you wanted to do was tell him that the way you _see_ him is changing, and that you think it's a _problem_. That's it. You wanted _him_ to tell you that you were right, and seeing him as anything else _would_ be a problem. 

That makes more sense to you, it's not that you think you _like_ him, it's just that you don't understand the way he's changing yet! Obviously it's gonna throw you for a loop, duh! No wonder it's on your mind all of a sudden. It makes _perfect_ sense, now.

But when he's standing there like that, it's hard to admit anything. 

"Well, I-" _think that you're different, now_.

"Oh, you guys. Try not to be so hard on yourselves! I can see your discouragement from all the way out there! Eren, Y/n." Petra came around the corner, absolutely no noise came as she sped into your existence. It was like one moment she just appeared in thin air. That girl is so quiet, it's scary. But apart of you became ever so thankful she intervened when she did, truthfully you didn't know what you were about to do. Or what you would have said. It would be embarrassing if he didn't get your point, because you're gonna refuse to explain it to him. 

"Sorry, I hope you don't mind me calling you both by your first names, it's gonna become somewhat of a regular thing around here, the Captain pretty much sets the tone for everything around here." Petra said sweetly, she gave you a smile separate to the one she had given Eren, and it followed with a wink. 

_Why are you like this, you ginger devil?!_ You partially deadpanned at the girl, she was making it so obvious that she knew something. This isn't the place and it isn't the time for things like this, you're in the middle of an _actual_ war. Death, chaos, destruction, fear, anger, resentment, tragedy. There's absolutely _no room_ for anything like what you're getting your thoughts caught up in right now. Petra seemed pretty content with the face you were making, and looked back to Eren to keep talking, but he was the one who spoke first.

"You could see it from out there? Do we really look discouraged?" He asked, a grim look over his face. He had been caught off guard, but wanted to know if it was actually true. He could feel something was off since this morning, not knowing from what, but he felt it. 

You looked at the ground, gripping the broom handle in your hands tighter. You didn't want to be responsible for causing him to have any doubts. Both of you suddenly have a lot to live up to, you're out here just making things worse by letting your tedious thoughts get in your head. If there was a time and place for this, you definitely missed it. You're just going to have to settle down with the fact that a life like this is not meant for the two of you to find happiness in, not with each other and maybe not with any one else. It wasn't just how you saw him, it was how you were going to have to see any one else for the rest of your life. Until the day came that titans no longer existed, you couldn't harbor thoughts like that. And the day where titans are no longer a threat, well that seems way too far off in the future. 

"Is this about Captain Levi? Everybody reacts that way at first. Up close and personal Captain Levi doesn't really seem like he's the hero everybody thinks that he is. For one thing, he's a lot shorter." She smiled, and looked in the direction she had seen him recently walking. Her amber eyes softened, and her smile just seemed so angelic. She stayed looking in that direction as she continued to talk, like it was peaceful to her.

"He's a bit on the temperamental side, too. Not exactly hand in hand with the social graces." She sighed, one that felt happy. It's as though when she spoke about him, she recalled several memories of him that made her feel so at ease to be able to talk about him so casually. To her, Levi wasn't just humanity's number one soldier. This was someone she admired, and looked up to. She worked closely with him, considering she was quite literally chosen by him to work so close. 

You looked at the way her face moved as she talked about him, her smile, the pink tint to her cheeks. 

"It's not that, exactly. It's just that he's so serious all the time, he's so dead-earnest about following the higher up's rules." Eren said, causing you to look back at your brunette friend once again. He really did seem kind of nervous, and now you know that he's definitely got more than enough going on. It's probably best to just give him a break, cut him some slack. 

But you didn't know that you _were_ the break, you _were_ the slack. Last night Eren got to talk to you just like old times, it felt like things weren't as screwed up as they really are. And the way you acted towards him this morning was just his reminder that things _were_ actually that screwed up. A bitter reminder that he was in the middle of a war, and he wasn't the only one. 

"Oh, you must think that strength means living by your own rules, looking down on anyone else's." Petra turned her honey eyes away from Levi's figure in the far off distance, you watched as even her lips changed resting positions. Her smile faded ever so slightly, but enough for you to take hint of. 

"He just doesn't seem like the type to take orders." Eren said, picking the handle of the broom back up in his hands, and bouncing it between both his palms. You sighed, wondering where this conversation was headed too. The idea of you, Petra, and Eren all talking in one room made you a little nervous, just because she's become the real big teasing type when it comes to you. Kinda like a big sister, one that wouldn't spit in your face, though. You cringe at the thought, you don't even know Captain Bach's first name. Would anyone here know it? You'll have to ask, soon.

"At a time, he probably would have lived up to your expectations. Maybe he'd of even surpassed them, Eren. That's what I understand anyways, I dunno half the details. Story goes, he was quite the rogue before joining the scouts. A high roller in the capitols black market." Petra said calmly, though she threw one of her fingers up, and pressed it into her cheek. You could see all the wheels turning in Eren's brain, he even took a step back.

You let out a soft chuckle, watching him put two and two together. It's an interesting story, it's even a surprise to you. But watching Eren react to it is just an interesting thing all together. You couldn't help but smile, and Petra couldn't help but notice. Again. 

"How the hell did he...I mean...what?!" He stuttered out, causing Petra to let out a small laugh at his sudden confused look. It was amusing to her, you've come to understand that Petra's way of bonding must be through actions like this. This was just how she is, you guess. 

"No clue, who knows what really brought him here, right? But I'll tell you something, the most popular version involves Commander Erwin himself. They say _he_ dragged him to the scouts, kicking and screaming." The redhead had said, Eren was absolutely drawn into her story, you could tell by the way his eyes glimmered as she spoke, and the way his lips parted in shock when she said something surprising. He was an easy person to string along if you knew the right words to say, all it took was fascinating tales and interesting details. Eren has a brain that likes to be constantly working, give him an inch and he'll take more than a mile.

Commander Erwin, dragging Levi to the scouts, kicking and screaming? You're not surprised if that really is the case, coming from the person who called you out on what was one of your biggest lies of your whole life, like it was nothing. And now you're to report to Captain Levi if you remember anything, or see anything else with that language written on it. What Petra is saying might not be true, but there definitely is something between Levi and Erwin that would allow him to trust the shorter man with something like this. You were starting to get worried that you were getting caught up in something bigger than this war. 

"What's going on?" Speak of the devil himself, Levi's voice echoed through the room, causing you, Petra, and Eren to all stand at salute. Without missing a beat, the three of you all put your hands in the positions they belong in that state, faces scrunching up in embarrassment from getting caught so off guard. Petra, more so than the two of you. 

She went back to sweeping, while you and Eren stayed standing stick straight. 

"You two need to focus, your cleaning is getting sloppy. Why don't you go back upstairs, _now_." It wasn't a question, it was a demand.

As the two of you went off, Eren wondered what it was that you wanted to say to him before Petra popped her head in. You seemed so different in that moment you were willing to talk to him again, after standing there in silence for so long. 

But watching from behind as you walked up the stairs, he caught the look on your face. You seemed absolutely miserable, your eyes looked so empty. This wasn't the same person he got to meet last night, and he figured it might be best to just give you your space. It seemed, after this morning, that's what you wanted, right? 

But he felt like it was wrong to just ignore you, if something was really getting to you. Maybe you weren't being exactly truthful to him when it came to those nightmares you get, he wonders if there's something about it that you're keeping to yourself. 

He feels a weird attachment to you, ever since the court house. Maybe it's just because the two of you are going through the exact same thing, but he feels like he has an obligation in one way or another. He's got one, for humanity. An obligation to push past the threshold, and find the answers beyond that damn, cursed wall. 

And a second, unspoken one, to make sure that you can also handle the task that's been given to both of you. He's known you for years, knows what kind of person you are, all he's ever done lately is get you in trouble. He knows you won't admit it, but he wont just let the feeling go. A big part of him feels ultimately responsible for the state that you're in, so he wants to do his best to make it more bearable. 

But the way you're changing, he keeps thinking back to that night, more specifically the way you described stars. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do we feel about the bonds with other characters Y/n is making? Jean is one that took a change recently, and she's going to meet him again real soon ! Mikasa and Armin are about to make a real big comeback too, in the next couple chapters! Ahhh I'm so excited.


	24. 24: Luka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Alcohol abuse (character is of legal drinking age)

[Trost, the same day]

Luka stumbles back into his house, drunk. He had left one morning a couple days ago, with his beautiful wife at his side. That same day, he came back alone. He watched in the stands while his adoptive daughter stood trial, and at the end of it he ended up having to watch his wife suffer the same thing. Although, only one of them got let off the hook.

Samantha Achen, 42 years old, was sentenced to ten years in jail. She was arrested on seven different accounts of assisted kidnapping, and one accessory to crimes against humanity section fourteen, which involved the safety children. Her original planned punishment was execution before witness, so ten years seems to sound better, right? At least she's not dead, right? But oh, she got to testify for your own life, just so you could get put back into someone else's custody. It was just a waiting game, to see when the next time he'd be called back to court for you.

It was like a slap in the face, to him. That Samantha would even get that original sentence in the first place. Amelia never got that sentence, she got 20 years. Jail in these times, it's not a place someone will live that long for. If Amelia was still alive, they would have had her present for your case. But she wasn't, she passed six years into her sentence. Six. 

Luka jerks back tears, and drops the bottle he had been holding by his neck onto the ground. It shattered upon impact, sending glass and dark booze scattering across the floor. He leaned against the wall, halfway throughout his house and he hadn't even closed the front door after he came inside. He was that far gone, after it had all gone down. His entire life, was lost in the matter of one single day.

And to make matters worse, he was faced with his biggest regret up until that day. Katherine Bach. 

Luka slid down the wall with his back pressed to it, uncaring of the fact that the liquid on the ground seeped into his dirtied trousers. He hadn't been able to take them off since that day. He hasn't showered, barely slept, hardly eaten, and hasn't drank anything that didn't burn going down. 

She had always been a tricky kid, something wasn't right about the way she turned out. He knew it, Samantha knew it. And now that she's been put in a place of power, that's even more frightening. He didn't even know, not up until today. The last thing he had heard about his daughter, was that she graduated in the third rank among her class from the northern 101st cadet corps.

It made him frightful, that she graduated at such a high rank. When he got the letter that you had graduated at the 12th rank, he popped a bottle in his study and celebrated. Looking back, that moment was one of excitement. He was proud of his daughter, Y/n. That bottle was one he was saving for special occasions, like anniversaries with his wife. 

He celebrated your success alone in his study, that night. Your mother slept in bed, reaping another day that she didn't get a letter from you personally. This was a letter sent by the cadet corps, she didn't show interest unless it was you. He would fill her in, tell her what happened, but she would simply sit and nod. 

Your mother lived in fear that she was letting what happened to Kathrine, happen to you. Katherine wasn't a kid that felt like she didn't have a lot to live for, and when the cult of the walls was introduced to her? She dived right in. Her entire goal was getting into the military police from day one, so she could indoctrinate herself into Sina, as close to the king as she could get.

She made allies with the right people early on, and used it to her advantage to climb up to the top from there. In the pockets of several merchants, working with the church. She earned a lot of money, and most of it found it's way back to the church. She was a scumbag, to the highest degree. Sold military equipment, bribed officials, stole, aided in human trafficking from the underground. You name the law, she probably broke it. Since she didn't come from a family that provided her with money, she used her skills and wits.

She was who was sent to the homes of those who brought up questions about the kingdom. If you spoke poorly of the king, while also questioning life inside the walls, she was the last person you'd see.

Luka choked down sobs, unaware of any of these things, but your mother knew some of those truths. Katherine had made a visit to your mother once in the past, the day she was promoted to captain. She did nothing, but stand before her in her Military Police uniform. No words were spoken, but enough was said. 

Through that window of the house, though, she saw you on that day. A tiny, smiling little girl, who stuffed her face with apple pie. 

Luka crawled his way into his bedroom, where he used to sleep with his wife by his side. He's been unable to climb into that bed ever since, he didn't want the smell of Samantha's hair to leave the sheets. He didn't touch the blankets, knowing that it's the very last way she left them. They even argued that morning, about doing the bed. They came to the agreement that they would just do it when they got back.

"Why couldn't it have been me?" Luka said through an exhausted breath. He couldn't choke back tears anymore, his sobs rippled through his throat in such a way that it hurt. His eyes trailed down to the nightstand, it had been moved. 

Nothing in this room was touched since that morning. So, when he saw that the night stand was in a different position, he felt his heart stop. 

He got up on his hands and knees, looking at the floor board below it. It was shoved slightly upwards, sticking out on the bottom left. The nails that were putting it in place weren't fully nailed in, either. He took one shaking, clammy hand, and wrapped his fingers around the nail. It was loose enough that he was able to pull it out, and so he went through each of the nails that held the board in place.

Removing the wooden plank, he wobbled in a drunken haze, staring at the open hole in the ground. There was a decent sized wooden box, and a stuffed animal that stuck halfway out of a burlap sack. 

As he reached his hand in, the burlap sap came into more clear vision. There was stains on it, one prominent one looking dark brown, almost in a small hand like shape. The dust particles floated in the air as he pulled it out, leaving the box for second. He hadn't any clue something like this was down here, much less a children's toy?

The front door swung all the way open as a gust of wind boomed through the house, slamming into the wall. Luka flinched at the sound, head snapping away from the stuffed animal and back to the front door. It swung gently, as the wind had slowed down. He was too drunk to get up and close it, looking back at the toy in his hands.

It was a medium sized thing, covered in dark brown fur with a lighter tan stomach and face. It was a monkey, one with long arms and no tail. He flipped it around, thumbs grazing against a tag on it's back.

There were two letters on the tag, they were faded now. But they seemed like they were written in bright blue ink, which now fizzled out to a dim plum tone. Parts of the tag were frayed, and it barely hung on by a single seam.

_Z.Y_

Luka stared at this toy in confusion. He didn't know why it was so transfixing on him, but it was hidden under his floor. It was just a children's plaything, how did something like this end up on his house? 

_"You sure do like to draw monkeys, huh kiddo?"_

Luka thinks back to a memory of you as a kid, one of your first months while living with them. You were still a little closed off to them emotionally, but you did things with them as a family. One of the things he noticed was that you liked to draw a lot, and since you didn't speak their language very clearly, you used it to tell them things at times. It was always sudden, and out of nowhere. One day you just stopped doing this, though. 

One of your weirder drawings, they managed to lose it. Luka even sometimes doubts that it was ever real, but it was something he only saw once. You drew a child on a boat, but the boat was massive, and the water it was on was bigger than any lake they'd ever seen. It just seemed like this building floating on top of a world of water, to them.

That girl on the boat was drawn with a sad look on her face, he remembers the guilt he felt through it. Something about the artwork just made him uncomfortable, it was as if the entire emotion itself was ingrained on the paper. Looking at it once felt cursed enough. 

He dropped the stuffed monkey, looking back at the box that he found under the floor in addition to the toy. Without even thinking about what there is he could possibly find, he dug his nails into the sides of the box, and pried it open. 

It was empty.

Luka remained there, on his knees. It was... _empty?_

"Luka, is that you in there?" He turned his head to the familiar voice, surprised to see the face of the teenager it now belonged to. A tall figure with short hair stood in his door way. He wore a military cadets uniform, and came with a bouquet of white flowers in hand.

"Jean, is that you boy?" Luka thought maybe his eyes were deceiving him, but no, that was who he thought it was. Jean came walking through the house, turning on a lantern by lighting its oil, and then closing the door behind himself. The hallway illuminated very dimly, with his right hand before him. As he walked through the hall, paintings of scenery and drawings of family members lit his view. The Achen family was one that kept any memory they could, and stuck it on the walls. As far as he knew, of course.

"Sorry I just let myself in, but I saw the front door was open and thought something happened. Is everything," He was about to ask if things were fine, but as his foot crunched glass below his feet, he was staring down at the broken bottle of liqueur right beneath him. He didn't look back up to Luka right away, instead his face dropped as he read the label. Your father was absolutely shit faced, and Jean could tell. He put back on a friendly face, right before raising his head back up to face your father.

"Ah, you were just passing by. Is that why you have roses?" Without looking at Jean, Luka put his hand on the night stand, and pulled out one of Samantha's secret cigarettes' that she didn't think he knew about. He put the cigarette between his lips, reaching into his breast pocket for a stack of matches. He fumbled for a few seconds, only to sigh when he realized he didn't have any left.

"I was going to leave these for Y/n and Samantha. But you seem like you need some company, Luka." Jean walked through the house, already knowing where everything is. He led himself by his lantern, lighting multiple candles throughout the house as he passed where they were placed. He was running out of matches, so he just put his lantern down, and replaced it with one of the candles. His next stop was the kitchen, grabbing two vases before heading back to the bedroom, where your father slumped against the wall. Still had that cigarette between his lips. 

"All I needs' my wife." He mumbled, while Jean set a vase on the night stand, pulling apart half the bundle of white roses and leaving one side of them in the blue vase. Jean hummed in agreement to him, before making his way out of your parents room, down the hall to yours.

He opened the door, listening as it creaked. He made an easy way in, your room was covered in dust. He could see it moving in the air as he stepped his foot down, but your bed looked slept in. He heard Luka telling his mother that Samantha wasn't doing so good, and that sometimes she would sleep in your bed. And now that he's looking at it, your bed area does seem to be the most touched. 

He sighed, an exhausted look on his face as he made his way next to your bed, putting the red vase on your own night stand. He held the roses a little more delicately, placing them in the vase with care. The Achen family had really grown to care about Jean, especially in these recent years. He was never going to tell you, because if it did it would feel like it was out a place of anger. He hated that you weren't the one doing these things, and he hated that you were half the reason that he felt like this family needed him sometimes. 

But it wasn't his place. He'll never be able to understand it, but he has to tell himself that it's not his place to tell you how to deal with your own family. But this was far enough, he couldn't sit back anymore. Jean was going to tell you, next time he saw you. This is no way to let your family continue. Not for his sake, he doesn't mind having to be here so much. That's not the issue.

It's your dad. It pains Jean to see Luka like this. All he can think about, is what he would do if one of his own parents lost their will like this? He's sure you don't even know the extent of the trauma your parents are going through, he's certain that your mother never told you unless it was meant to be used against you, and he knows that your father was too keen on keeping up his happy façade. So, he didn't believe that this was all your fault, in the end. He didn't think it was his place to judge, but it now is his job to step in. You've made it that, by doing virtually nothing. Regardless if you knew or not.

"You can be a real dick, sometimes." Jean said, looking at the bouquet of roses he placed in the vase. He felt his eyes stinging, throat tightening. "But at least you're still alive." 

He was thinking of Marco. You probably don't even know about it, don't you? 

Jean wiped his eyes quickly, took in some heavy breaths, and tried to get himself under control. His thoughts were too loud, this room seemed to make things worse. All of your things were out, most of them he has memories attached to. He's been in this room so many times, he's had his head shoved into the wall, he's thrown you into your dresser. The two of you roughhoused in here so many times, and every single event ended in your mother running down the hall, ripping that door open, and yelling at you two to knock it off. It was always followed by her making the two of you follow her out into the living room, where she'd have you all play board games. 

He turned on his heel, leaving your bedroom after blowing out the candle he lit in there. He closed the door behind him, making sure not to slam it. Through the kitchen, he grabbed a loaf of bread on the counter, and brought it back with him to your fathers room. He was sure enough that he was gonna convince that man to eat something.

"Hey don't pass out on me, old man." Luka heard Jean say, his voice coming closer. All he could do was let out a scoff, but it was cut short when Jean quickly snagged the cigarette out between his lips, tossing it on the other side of the room after snapping it in half between his middle and index finger. 

"What'd you do that for?" Luka slurred his words, Jean sighed heavily and shove the loaf of bread in the hands of your father. 

"Y/n hates it when Samantha smokes, she probably wouldn't be too fond of you doing it either. You need to eat something, I'm not leaving until you do." Jean said, pulling up a chair along the vanity in the room, a small stool but enough to sit on. He took off his cadet uniform jacket, and hung it on the vanity behind him. Rolling up his sleeves to his elbows, he leaned forwards and rested them on his knees. 

"Hey, why don't you tell me something." Luka said, Jean looked forward continuously, waiting for Luka to continue with his question. He stared at the items in the room, quite a few books. This was the one room in the house he never really came in, only making himself this comfortable in the room because of the obvious state that your dad was in. This man needed help, and he needed it now. Tonight could have been the deciding factor if he would ever get better or not. And Jean was going to be the one to get the ball rolling, planning on passing it to you next. 

"Depends on what you ask, if you eat I'll give you an answer. I have a gag order on me about your daughter, we both know what happened but we can't talk about it." Jean had stated, the government did place a gag order on him, and everyone involved in your case, which includes everyone at the hearing. Until a true, official statement is made, they can't speak to the fullest content. Not that it hasn't already gotten out, though.

"Is Eren Yeager a good person?" He coughed out at the end, the question was an unexpected one at that. Jean sat there, sitting upright at the mention of the name. He didn't keep his elbows on his knees anymore, instead his arms hung at his sides, before his hands made their way to rest on his hips. 

"She writes about him often, whenever she does write. But I noticed she doesn't talk about you too much." Luka went on, hand digging up at the night stand one more time, trying to find an extra cigarette. Jean sat uncomfortably in the small white stool, suddenly. He didn't know that you were writing about Eren, which he can assume by that you were probably writing about Mikasa and Armin, too. He's not surprised that you didn't write much about himself to your parents, considering they already knew you. _Or was I just not important to you anymore?_

It's a thought he didn't want to address. He already knew the answer to that, you made it pretty clear to him how you felt.

"Yeah? What's your point, are you asking me if they're a thing?" Jean tried to keep his composure with your drunken father, but he could feel his throat getting tight. His eyes were straining, and his face remained as stone as it could, in one solid, unwavering expression. He's been holding it together all goddamn day, he's not gonna be able to forgive himself if he snaps at your father, who is probably having the worst week of his life. But it's an emotional string that Luka had just tugged at, and it sent every nerve in Jean's body on the offense. It wasn't a thought he had even been ready to process yet, so when suddenly faced with it, it felt like an attack.

"No, that's not it. I was gonna ask why the two of _you_ weren't ' _a thing_ ', son." Luka held his fingers up in quotations, repeating the same words Jean had just used, sending a jolt of embarrassment down his spine. Luka was always a man who was upfront, nothing ever really stopped that. But this was the first time he was making such an insinuation towards Jean. 

"You don't need to call me that, I'm just Jean. I've got my eyes elsewhere, I'll have you know." Jean replied back all too quickly, causing Luka to get out one, singular hearty laugh. For the first time this whole encounter, Jean saw the mans face. Oh, he was suffering. 

"Y/n told me all about that much of you, actually. One of the times she did write to me about you was with a girl named Mikasa. So, that's who you've got your eyes set on? Y/n doesn't seem to approve of you, judging by her letters. I just wanted to see what you'd say if I asked." Luka reached forward and grabbed him by the shoulder, wrapping his fingers around and yanking the teenager down with him.

"Luka-!" Jeans foot fell in the hole in the floor, knocking him down on one of his knees. He grunted in pain, while Luka let out a couple solid laughs, and scooted to the left slightly. 

"I haven't been this distracted since everything happened. Thanks to you, boy." Luka said, while Jean brought himself back up, grabbing something soft and plush in his hand without realizing. His amber eyes looked at the thing, and fixated in a puzzled expression.

"Why is there a hole in the floor? And what's this ugly thing?" Jean twisted it in his hands, sitting against the night stand and staring down at the tag. "Whos initials are Z and Y?" He asked again, but his question was met with a shrug. Your dad didn't know much else, but he was certain of one thing.

"Someone was in the house before I got home. They might still be here, or they might have left. Don't know, really. There was a box with it, but it's empty. Must not have been important." His words trailed off near the end, and Jean sat there, shocked and alarmed. 

"I think that thing used to be Y/n's, she drew a lot of those." He lazily pointed a finger at the monkey toy Jean held, missing completely only to end up slamming his hand into the ground. He was passing out, at this point. Too drunk to move, barely even knew what he was saying.

"That's it, you're staying with us. I'll be gone soon, I only came here to visit with a short amount of time, but my mom is more than likely to give you my room until I'm back on my next break." Jean was about to put the monkey down, but your father slapped his hand and pointed to the stuffed animal as it fell.

"I want you to give it to her. Tell her that I love her, please. Will you do that for me, Jean? She's all I have left." Your father pleaded, attempting to pick up the toy monkey himself. Jean sighed, leaning down and grabbing it, before sliding one of his arms under the shoulder of your dad. He grabbed the loaf of bread in the same hand as the monkey, and hauled your dad up to his feet. 

"If it makes you happy, then sure." Jean needed to focus on getting your dad out of the house, if what he said was true, then he needed to make sure Luka was safe. If someone really broke into the house, then leaving your dad there drunk and defenseless was the last thing his conscious would let him do. He couldn't help but feel like he was being watched, now that it was made evident someone else was here. That unnerving feeling was there from the start, he's just now got the context for it.

But now, he's got a bone to pick with you. And if he has to give you this damn monkey toy to get the point across, that's what he'll do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was kind of hard to write, I hope it wasn't genuinely upsetting, but I stuffed in a ton of exposition for the story, next chapter goes back to Eren and the scouts again. Is it interesting seeing chapters out of the point of view from the reader? I find Jean easy to write like this sometimes I've noticed


	25. 25: Honesty

"We're thirty days out from an expedition to set up a logistics base on the wall. And now you're saying we'll have a crop of green recruits along for the ride?" Mike asked with concern, or maybe cynicism in his voice. Staring out the window, he didn't turn back to look at Commander Erwin very often, but when he did it was with a purpose. The sounds of feather pen against parchment was the only prominent one in the room, as the commander drew out plans. One of a new long range formation.

"Assuming any sign of, yes." Erwin's fingers held the paper in place, along with a ruler. He slid the pen down with ease, eyes focused on the paper while he ears stayed on the man who stood before him. Mike slowly turned to face him, not exactly understanding yet what it was that Erwin was coming to explain. What ploy did he have in mind, today?

"Not to be a naysayer, but doesn't that seem rash to you? Honestly, what are their odds." Mike had every right to be asking these questions, knowing that the new recruits weren't about to get any answers if Erwin was being this secretive about whatever he was planning.

"The results of this mission are going to determine if we get to keep both Eren Yeager and Y/n L/n in our custody. We have to persuade the Brass that we have them both in check. Eren's an asset, not a threat. I have more faith in Y/n's ability to control herself, so putting her on the back lines with the new recruits would ensure their safety." Commander Erwin said, his implication here was stated into fruition. 

His next plan was seeing what would happen if he separated you and Eren, placing you on opposite sides of the battle field. This wasn't his entire plan, that would be too much effort just for one small hypothesis he was brewing up. It was just a side mission, per say, that he realized he could see through. He had a much bigger goal in mind.

"The brass said that Y/n and Eren have to stay within Captain Levi's supervision at all given times, there's no way you could separate them on this mission without breaking their trust, Commander." Mike didn't get it, and he knew he probably wasn't going to be explained every little detail, but it wouldn't hurt to get into his Commanders headspace. 

"And that's how I'll prove that she's just as capable as Eren, if Y/n can act in a completely honorable away from supervision, only to be held accountable by the people she trained with, don't you believe it would turn the tide for her? The public is finding out that she did nothing to help with plugging up the hole in Trost, and because she's capable of digging, it only adds more suspicion. On the off chance that they both end up going rogue, what are the odds the two of them don't just combine their forces and slaughter every scout on that field? Keeping them separate works in both cases." He finally finished, drawing another outline on this wide piece of tinted parchment, staring down at his plan, wondering if he can do anything to improve it.

"That's not to say she won't be completely unsupervised, though. I'm positioning her right behind the recruits, she'll be in Dita Ness's vision at all times." He had been staring at his final revision of the plan for so long, that it was all starting to look like one jumbled mess. He had to look away for a moment, to clear his head. Though, he did not tell Mike where he was positioning Eren Yeager.

"You're putting a lot of responsibility on that girl. Aren't you concerned it could get to her head?" He had a point in asking this, but Erwin only nodded. He seemed to be fully aware of the situation, and to ask such a thing would imply that he hadn't thought about it.

"Eren has a bigger responsibility, he just doesn't know it yet. If they're both trained at the same time, in the exact same ways, neither of them will be the best versions of themselves. Y/n somehow already has previous experience using her titan I've gathered. She can control it, and understand it better. She's able to keep herself in check. Though, with what we witnessed Eren do in Trost, it's clear that she doesn't match to his strength. She may be capable of other things that he isn't, but there was one severe difference between the two of them that outweighed everything else." 

It is concerning, that you have a better grasp on your titan abilities. But right now, he can't say that it doesn't benefit humanity. He decided he would cross that bridge when he got there. 

Mike stayed still in position, waiting for Erwin to finish talking, it's like everything that came out of his mouth was about the length of a book. The sun setting through the window sent rays of orange and gold in the room, setting the atmosphere to that of one of uncertainty. 

"Eren healed himself faster than she did. At every opportunity we saw them use their regeneration abilities, Y/n was the one that took the longest to get better. During Trost, she was described to be in a comatose state. When she woke up, she had a fever. This happened _twice_. She was throwing up, and unable to get back on her feet. I'm inclined to think she's not the same." Appearance aside, there is something different about you, and not in the way that's any good. 

Erwin has multiple suspicions about you. But your _health_ was one that he didn't want to place gambles on. He had Hange look you over while you were unconscious, the fever you ran was hot enough to melt a normal mans insides into mush. They were at first concerned you might be contagious, but everyone had already been exposed to you, and those who did, didn't get sick. Not even Eren caught whatever you had, which meant that it was your own body fighting back. If you were contagious, you probably could have taken out that entire court room without so much as trying. So that was a possibility marked out of the list of things that could happen. 

Erwin think's that there are multiple humans that can turn into titans in the walls, at the _bare_ minimum two others. He's more specifically assuming that those other titan shifters aren't on the side of humanity. Placing you in the position you were going to be, it would aid in keeping you from over using your titan. Avoiding you from burning yourself out too quickly when you could be used in other area's of expertise, like defense. But that also meant he was allowing an opening for you, if you truly were working with the hidden enemies. 

And Erwin was _certain_ that you knew something that most people in these walls wouldn't even be able to fathom. The tough part about that, is you've got a good nine year long amnesia trip. And unless you're an excellent actor, something like that would be near impossible to pull off. And Eren on the other hand, stated that his father was hiding a secret in the cellar of his old home, in Shinganshina. What a strange coincidence, that you know something important, yet can't seem to remember. All the while Eren's dad has the truth to the titans wrapped up under his house. 

If you didn't make yourself so emotionally available to your comrades, peers and friends, he would have doubted your allegiance and where you stand. You proved out there in Trost, before the wall was plugged where your alliance is. 

"That wasn't a straight answer. You dodged every question by bringing up those two kids. What are you going to do if those new recruits get slaughtered out there, Erwin? Why is this mission so vague?" Erwin froze, he wasn't really expecting Mike to jump straight over the bush, but he knew he wasn't going to beat around it either. After all, this is the second strongest soldier that all of humanity has to offer.

"Ah, your nose is as sharp as ever, not bad." Erwin was caught, red handed. Though, he wasn't about to show his palms.

"Yeah. Not as sharp as yours on a good day." Mike sniffed the air, looking back out the window once more.

"You'll have the facts soon enough." Erwin was content with that, giving the man before him a gentle smile. 

A knock on the door stopped their finally halted conversation, bringing the commander's eyes forward. He didn't know who could possibly be here right now, Mike even looked slightly confused as the sound bounced off the wood, into the room. 

"State your name and business." Erwin said, a stern voice with prestigious alignment. He was serious, but not about to turn whoever it was away. 

"Captain Levi, Y/n has an update for you that she wanted to tell you personally." He sounded annoyed, having made the trek from the castle all the way out here. The man on the other side of the door seemed like he had a long day, judging by the tone in his voice.

"Can we go in?" Erwin heard your voice from the other side, softly. It was filled with nervousness, but a glimmer of hope was enough for him to pick out. You were truly just a curious kid, honestly. The door knob jiggled slightly, and a loud _bonk!_ was what followed after words.

"Did anyone ever teach you manors? Tch, you can't just barge into a closed room. Wait for _permission_." 

"Right, sorry Captain!"

"Same old Levi, you're probably going to ask me to leave the three of you alone, right?" Mike said, deeply inhaling, and closing his eyes. The sun had come closer to setting now, leaving the room in an even darker shade of amber now than it was once before, not even twenty minutes ago. Before Commander Erwin could answer, Mike let out his breath and made his way to the door. "Good chat, I'm sure you'll inform me later." With that, he was across the room, and had opened the door for the young girl, and her Captain. 

You came flooding in before the man behind you, walking right past Mike as if he wasn't even in the room to begin with. You were on a mission. The sudden burst of energy took Erwin aback, even more so when you slid a piece of paper on his desk. He didn't see it clearly at first, there was an illustration on the bottom side that made contact with the table. With slow hands, he reached for the paper.

"I spent all day working on that. I did my chores and duties, after that Captain Levi gave me free time, and I remembered something that I think I saw at some point." Erwin listened to you in content, if there's nothing useful on this other side of the paper, at least he can probably think of a way to turn this into a learning experience.

He flipped it over, and what he saw was an illustration of a man. It wasn't perfect, but he was able to get the idea. 

"Did you draw this?" He asked, staring down at the illustration of the male you had presented to him. There was no color, but he read the notes you jotted down next to his front profile. _Blonde hair that's sort of short, but shaggy. Round glasses, matching beard. Wears white button up(?) Tall, but not too tall. 6'0. Mid to late twenties. Strong build, no visible scares on face or neck._

"I don't know how to explain it, but that's not someone we can trust. If you see someone who looks like this, I think we should all be cautious." You said, knowing just how confusing this probably seems to him. When you showed Levi, he almost shrugged it off. But you were entirely _too_ adamant about it to leave the topic alone. 

"You told me that you think I have a habit of lying, right? Well, that's not true. I just don't think that I _understand_ how to explain things very well, so I keep it to myself until it becomes a lie later on. My apologies if this is rude, Sir." You paused, Erwin watched in a fixed position, pressing his hand under his chin and narrowing his eyes.

You were raising your hand over your chest, balling up your first over your heart, and swinging the other hand behind your back. He didn't think you'd come out and challenge his position on you so quickly. You stood there, in a passionate, and meaningful salute, before declaring your next words.

 _"But I will not lie to my comrades and peers!_ I spent the entire day dwelling on _my place_ in this war, and all it did was tear me up inside! I won't let myself become emotionally distant from those I serve with, out of fear of having to lie to them all the time! How can I expect them to trust me, if I don't even allow them to?!" You were _shouting_ , face pointed directly to Erwin, making eye contact with him. He saw the brave look you were trying to put on, but beneath that exterior, the look in your eyes was full of panic. You were wondering if something like this counts as treason, but you weren't going to be able to continue working at your best abilities if you had to keep so many things secret. 

Erwin was _impressed,_ actually. Apart of him wanted to think that something like this made you more suspicious, because using something like this as a cover would be extremely genius, but the passion and power you put behind your words was more then authentic. He recalled back to that moment under the court room, remembering how you said you wanted to become a respectable soldier. Well, this was certainly one way to do it. 

"So, what about this man is so suspicious to you, Y/n?" Eren decided he would humor you, even if this was brought on by a sudden burst of paranoia. It wouldn't hurt to keep this illustration in a hidden file. At the sound of his question, you had let out a large breath of air, which meant you were just holding it the entire time. That determined, huh? 

_"_ Before I answer, can I request something?" _Oh, she wants something in return. I see_.

"What would that be? I can't make any promises." Erwin said, gently placing the paper back down on his desk. 

"I know I might not be able to go completely public with the information, but can I at least tell a select handful that I wasn't involved in the case about Amelia Achen and those children? I know it doesn't change that my mom kept information about what happened to herself, and that I probably can't reduce her sentence, but could you please give me the permission to tell the truth to Armin Arlert, Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackermann, and Jean Kirstein? If you want, I'll even explain my reasoning-"

"That's perfectly fine by me." Your jaw fell slack, completely open. You had prepared an entire speech for this whole thing, and he was just going to let you do ahead and do it?

_"Erwin."_ Levi spoke from across the room, eyes darting at you, and then back to the Commander. It was clear that he didn't put so much blind trust in you that the commander did. Levi was already having a hard enough time with _Eren_ as it was, and now he has a second rebellious child to watch after? When he signed up for this, he didn't think he'd be having to babysit the two most dramatic teenagers he's _ever_ met in his entire life.

"This is a perfect opportunity to teach you about consequences. If you believe that those four can keep that to themselves, it will fall on _you_ if that information gets out to the public. Plus, one day I think this illustration of yours might come in handy, you give me something, I suppose I should return something." Erwin seemed okay with how things were turning out today. 

"Thank you. I think that man in the illustration was someone I knew before I lost all my memories, no I'm _certain_. I know who that person is, but don't know how or why. All I understand is that I shouldn't be around him if he ever _does_ make himself known. That, or it's just something I made up to _cope_ with not remembering anything. Who knows, but if there's a risk, I should talk about it, correct?" You didn't know if it was going to actually be helpful, because the _latter_ is even a possibility. But the way you felt when you saw his face in your sleep, it was the only thing you could clearly recall to the fullest extent. The emotion was there, it was real. The anger, and betrayal, you were genuinely feeling it when his face entered your head. 

"I appreciate the sentiment, I'll keep this in my files for now. Thank you for your work today, I'll be expecting more from you in the future?"

"Yes, Sir! Anything that I can remember that I think is useful, I'll go straight to Captain Levi!" Words cannot _explain_ the massive weight that had been lifted off your shoulders. 

*

By the time you and Levi made it back to the castle, you had made no hesitation in hopping off your horse once you got to the stables, and put your anxious, yet sweet girl back in. You ran in your big brown boots, stomping on hay and dirt as you made your way to the entrance of the castle. "Kick the dirt off your shoes before you go inside, brat!" Levi shouted at you, causing you to stop in place once you got to the front doors, and tapped your boots against the ground by the tips of your toes first. You moved onto your heel, shaking off all the gunk that had stuck to you. 

_Was all of that tension earlier just from the fact that Erwin asked me to lie? I don't feel nearly as stressed now as I did earlier._ You thought to yourself, running through the massive hallways of the building. Your boots hit against the ground with every heavy step you took, peering into the rooms as you passed them by, looking for any sign of the Levi squad, or Eren. 

You saw a tuft of brown hair from an opening in one of the rooms, noticing it immediately as Eren's. With wide eyes, you got excited at the sight of him _genuinely,_ for the first time since the two of you talked about the outside world together. Everything just made so much more sense now. You didn't need to feel so bad about everything that was going on, now. Eventually, you were gonna get everyone together and tell them all at the same time. 

"Eren!" You shouted, causing the boys head to turn around and look at you from the opening in the door. He quickly got up, but not as fast as you were going. You were pretty content in thinking that Eren was just a special friend, someone you had too much in common with. You just assumed you were letting yourself get too deep into your head, Commander Erwin did kind of pit you against everyone for a while there. Without realizing what he had done, that entire time you were asked to keep things to yourself, you were just shot down and miserable. You weren't able to think clearly, and you couldn't cope with anything reasonably that didn't just turn you into a dark and moody ball of turmoil. This was how it was supposed to be.

You finally caught up to Eren, grinning as you got to his presence. You were out of breath, panting for air as you bent down, resting your hands on your knees, with bent elbows.

"What's going on with you now? You've been acting different all-"

"I got to tell Commander Erwin a big secret! And I can _tell you things,_ now!" You shouted at him, standing upright and jamming your fist into his shoulder, that same massive grin over your face. Eren was ultimately confused, not really sure what to make of any of what you just said. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Eren groaned out, rubbing his shoulder in pain while you reeled back. Still gasping for air, you were getting ready to talk again. Just had to regain your breath control.

"I'll tell everybody at once." You said, though you wondered how you would tell Jean, since you don't think he'd join the scouting regiment. That just meant you'd have to do it separately, but there's no way you could just let him live in the dark with the information he's probably heard. He's the one you're most concerned with him talking to others about, but it's still not exactly likely. But, he knows Samantha too. It would be just as wrong for you to keep it away from him, right? Plus, you couldn't have Jean go around thinking you were this pitiful child who got brainwashed by a cult. 

"I'm just glad everything feels normal again, god I hated all that." You said, shaking your head a little vigorously. Eren still had exactly _no_ idea, what it was you were going off about. 

"Did you hit your head or something?" He asked, letting out a short scoff. You grabbed him by his shoulders, and yanked him closer to you in a tight hug. He resisted throughout the entire thing, squirming his arms under your tight grip. _This feels completely normal, no weird thoughts that come with it for once. Holy shit, I was right, all that pressure Erwin put on me was fucking with my head_. _Eren is just special to me, and there's nothing wrong with thinking that. I'm not gonna keep going back and forth anymore about it._

"Eren, I'm so sorry if I confused you. That was wrong on my part." You spoke into the crook of his neck, not knowing to you just how much your breath and hair was making him flinch in your grasp. 

"What's your issue today?! Why are you being so _weird_ -!"

"It'll make sense soon, I promise! Captain Levi told me on the way back that we were gonna have a big meeting in the mess hall with the rest of the squad members, we should go early and clean up the area." You pulled yourself away from Eren, grabbing him by his wrist and yanking him down the massive hall, leading him to the dining area.

As ridiculous as this is, well, you considered this normal. And you were happy to feel it again. Now, all that needed to happen was for Mikasa and Armin to get here. And you knew they were, after all, Armin had to see the ocean, right? And Mikasa had to get back to Eren, of course. 

But if now was the time you were choosing to be upfront about things, you had to come to a realization. Doing such a thing would mean addressing what happened between you and Annie, well back in your cadet days. That's not something you could do without proof, though. 

There in lies the problem with waiting to tell your truths. 

After a certain amount of time passes, it'll just become questionable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter was wayyyy to focused on the reader, I'm trying to make a storyline here without also making her the complete center of it ;-; I swear I just sometimes forget how to write Eren's character all together LMAO, but as soon as everyone else pops their little heads back up ooooo I'm so excited.
> 
> Also there is no need to worry about Y/n saying anything that will actually change the outcome of the show/manga I know I gave her a little too much power (with even amounts of negative consequences for that power) but sheesh that's overkill. Unless you guys actually want something like that? Not sure how I'd feel about it, but I'm edging the line of what she can and can't say that wouldn't fully obliterate the storyline yet still keep hers intact. Anyways so it's confirmed now that Zeke and Y/n have some kind of connection, let me just say this now because someone on quotev asked me about it and ....just no.  
> She is NOT related to Zeke. No...nonononono noooo I am so sorry if any of you were starting to think that. That's a big yucky right there. I might switch around the tags soon, this is my first story that I'm posting on this site, so I'm learning how to use it as I go! In the tags, I said this was an Eren/reader/armin type of story, but I might play with some other ideas, but I'm still keeping Armin as a potential side interest way on in the future, for now I like them as good friends.
> 
> Oh also, on another note, Idk if you can tell, but Levi is clearly the character I struggle writing with the most so far ._.
> 
> Additional edit because it was another question I got on quotev that I feel like I should clear up, since it's already happened in the story therefor canon in this aot fanfiction universe: Future Eren wiped out Y/n's memories of the things her parents sent her to that island for, she has no recollection of what an Eldian is, or anything she asked about in chapter 18. The only clear memory that he left her with was of what Zeke looked like, and that she shouldn't trust or go near him. That moment took place during chapter 120(ish) of the manga where Zeke and Eren were going through their memories together.   
>  I don't know if it's any good that I have to explain my own fanfiction, but eeeeeek this is my first one in a couple years, I'm bound to make some mistakes :P I still think it's fun, so oh well Sorry for the super long note!


	26. 26: A Sense of Normality

You and Eren spent a good twenty minutes together, cleaning up the mess hall. Your hard work went noticed by Levi and Petra, as they had been the first two to say something about it when everyone initially walked in. The room was lit by a single lantern on the table, and everybody had cups of tea right before them. If you knew anything about making a good cup, then you probably would have done it with Eren, knowing that you crossed some lines today, you were making up for it by being respectful in any way that you could. From this point on, you weren't going to raise a stink about much. You were on thin ice, specifically with Captain Levi. Though your inherent nature just seemed to overpower you, being that you're just that kind of person. You're sure you're bound to end up in that same position again, but you don't think you'd be alone next time it happens. 

Petra took a sip from her teacup, placing it on the porcelain plate right before here. Levi had been the one to make tea for everyone, made sense that it was his taste. It had a bitter, but subtle taste. 

"It's safe to assume our standing orders will stretch into next week. Word through the grapevine says that we're gearing up for a big mission a month from now. A bunch of new graduates are slated to be our main backup." Eld said, glancing to Eren for a brief moment. Those graduates he spoke of, some of them were bound to be people you both knew. 

That didn't sound like it made too much sense? New recruits, immediately thrown into a mission?

"That can't be right, why do something like that? The cadets went through enough when it came to the last titan attack. Why subject them to that kind of danger again?" Gunter had his own thoughts to add to the conversation that was starting to take place at the table. You and Eren kept looking at each other, a hint of nervousness in the eyes of both of you. 

On one hand, this could spell disaster. But is it wrong to feel kind of hopeful, knowing that in just less than a month, you'll see your friends again? Normally you'd have certain mixed feelings about something like this, but all you can really reach for right now is that hope. You've realized that if you spent too much time worrying about all the negative possibilities of life, you'll just miss out on what could actually happen. You had done a lot of self reflecting over the last couple of hours, and to be fair you're still trying to do your best at it. But one thing was clear.

This obnoxious, and paranoid child act? It had to go. You weren't going to accomplish anything by trapping yourself in that fixed mindset. You bounced back and forth over the last couple of days, not sure what ideals to stick to. But it all started under the stars with Eren, when the two of you spoke about the outside world.

You needed to go see it for yourself, you needed to see if it was actually everything you were thinking that it might be. Eren needed to see the outside world, he needed to know what freedom felt like. Armin needed to go stand in the ocean, and Mikasa needed to know what the sand felt like between her toes. That was what you needed to fight for. 

_I wonder what Jean is doing, or Marco for that matter. How's Sasha and Connie? I'd even kill to know what Ymir or Krista were up to right now. Is Reiner still trying to act like everyone's big brother?_

Eren gave you a small nudge with his arm, noticing that you had stopped paying attention. It was polite, nobody else seemed to see it. You nodded in agreement, and went back to what your eyes were focused on. 

"I wonder how many of those runts pissed themselves." Oluo said with a smirk, bringing his teacup up to his face and taking a long, drawn sip. His nose crinkled up as the steam rose to his eyes, you saw it even from across the table. It's like every time he opens his mouth to sound big, the heavens strike him down in his place ever so slightly.

"Surely this can't be the case, right? They're fresh out of the cadet corps." Petra said, a raised look of concern growing in her soft meadow eyes. She was so caring, and nice. Though, you knew she had a side to her that you didn't wanna meet, probably. Sweet people always have something under their sleeves. 

"Mission planning _isn't_ my responsibility. But, it is Erwin's, and you can bet the man's obsessed over every angle." Levi said firmly, sure there was doubt in the room, but they all had to remember just who it was that was putting this plan together. "Yeah, that's the truth." Eld said in response, folding his hands together and leaning on them.

"Especially given how unique the situation is. Consider how many people died on the path to taking back wall Maria, then hope comes in a form no one expected. One that we're not entirely sure how to deal with." His eyes shift over to you and Eren, the sudden reality of the deep distrust they actually felt for the two of you was raised to light, even Petra glanced her eyes over cautiously. It's just because they didn't understand where the ability the two of you came from, it had nothing to do with you and Eren as people. You had to remember that, these are normal, rational thoughts. 

You sat still, unable to take your eyes off the glass of tea before you, watching the steam rise over the lip of the cup. Eren made a noise besides you, reacting to their obvious weary of the two of you. This was just the way things had to be until everything made sense. Trying to fight it would just make it worse. 

The room went quiet, everyone fixated their stares on the both of you. You didn't know what to say right now, you felt like you had used up all your persuasive conversation pieces on Erwin today. Even that was so much for you, you might have been able to put on a brave face, but your heart was _pounding_. It took every bit of courage you could muster up, and you were half expecting to get thrown back into a cell if it didn't go your way. But, you would like to say that it did. Maybe doing something like that benefitted Eren, too. You wouldn't know for sure, but you knew that it was more than just saving your own skin. After that talk, you felt like you could let your peers actually fully trust you. 

"So how does it work? This whole changing into a titan trick, really." Eld said, keeping his eyes fixated on Eren. 

"Wish I could tell you, but the fact is my memory's not clear. Guess it's kind of like a trance, but I do know the trigger seems to be hurting myself in some way, like biting my hand." You listened to him say, opening your mouth to add onto his piece of the conversation.

"It's the same here for me. I saw Eren bite his hand and then I did the same thing, I only figured out how to do it on command after watching him. Before the cannon incident, though, I'm not sure how I knew how to do it. But he's right, it kind of is like being in a trance, at first. Once you get over the initial feeling, it's kind of just like walking." You said, looking over at your hand, you weren't sure how you made yourself turn into a titan before that incident, but after words? Eren was kind of like your reminder, in a way. Seeing him do it was so obvious. 

"Easy for you to say." Eren said to you, as the reminder that he was the one who didn't have a firm grasp on it yet. 

"It's okay, you'll get there eventually. I'm probably not all that good at it in hindsight." _Maybe in the distant future, the two of us will look back and laugh at me for thinking I knew everything, right?_ You thought, but now wasn't the time to say it. Time and place, of course. But it was a real thought. The next couple months, you had no idea what they held in store. But you knew that you could only go up from here. 

"You're not going to get anything out of them, apart from what the scribblers have laid out in the reports. A bit too inconvenient that both of them can't remember important things." Levi hummed to himself before bringing his hand over the top of his cup, holding it in an odd way, bringing it to his face. 

"Not that you won't know who won't have a go at it." He said into the cup, almost regretfully. "You'd be lucky to come out of it alive if that one lays into you. Course, it's only a matter of time." That sounded like such a warning, and it was meant to be one. Eren grew stir crazy in his seat, and you just tried to keep your composure in one solid state the entire time. But the anxiety was starting to bubble up the back of your throat, regardless.

"Who are you talking about?" Eren's voice was loud, and just as he had spoken, a loud noise from outside the door right behind Levi snapped through the room. 

"What was that just now?" You asked, putting one of your hands on the table and holding onto it. The whole room felt like it just shook. The way it felt suddenly sent a rattling fear down your spine, it made you uncomfortable when the ground moved under you like that, especially without warning. You couldn't explain it, but it was gone now. 

To everyone else, you seemed like you were just reacting to a loud noise. But for a glimmer of a second, Eren watched a flash of fear pass your eyes. It was gone just as quickly as it came, but it wasn't really that big of a deal, right? It was just someone crashing into the door from the other side. 

It opened, Petra got up out of her seat and took out the wooden blockade from the door, allowing none other than Hange Zoe to walk in, holding her hand to her forehead in pain. 

"Good evening, team Levi!" Your eyes widened in excitement, every time you were in the same room as her, she was always so fixated on Eren, you wanted it to be your turn, next. That warning Levi gave no longer held any salt for you, and Eren knew immediately that someone like you was bound to be jumping with joy on the inside at the mere sight of her. This time your hands weren't being shackled together, and you didn't have to be under weird circumstances. 

_Oooooh, should I say something? Wait no, what if I sound dumb? Do I say hi back? Do I wave my hand?_

"How's castle life treating everyone?"

"You're too early."

"Oh! Am I? Suppose I couldn't help myself." Hange made herself very comfortable in the room as she walked in, planting herself right between you and Eren. She turned to look at you first, a truly excited smile gracing her friendly face.

"I didn't get a good solid chance to talk to you back at the court house, did I? Well, it's nice to finally meet you on the other side of those bars." He extended her hand, and you took no hesitance in taking it in your own, and shaking it.

"I read all of your work while I was in the cadet corps. Most of it they taught us, you're the reason we know so much about the titans today as of recently, is there more that the training corps couldn't get their hands on? I'd love to read even your _marginal_ notes-" You couldn't stop the words from spilling out of your mouth, talking a million words a second. 

"Section commander Hange?" Eren trailed off, realizing that you were still talking to her from the other side, unable to actually process the things you were saying. Everyone at the table seemed to be deadpanning at the sight. "I'm sorry about her, she's just a massive nerd." Eren came to your defense, nervously smiling. Seeing you like this just made him miss Armin, in a way. He's sure that his blonde friend would be acting in a similar way, maybe a little more respectful about it.

"Oh, Eren! There's nothing wrong with a little human curiosity. It's my job to spearhead the scout regiments research efforts. Essentially, I poke and prod our captive titan specimens. I'd very much like your help, I don't think I need to ask Y/n, she seems more than willing to come along." Hange placed the palm of her hand on the top of your head, before bringing it up to her face. Eren held those words in, he hadn't really heard anyone else refer to him or you as humans recently. It was always Titan, creature, thing, monster, sometimes beast. Specifically the way Captain Bach spoke to you. 

He had a hopeful glint in his eyes, though he was still a little nervous. But this person was the first one out of everybody here, to actually say _human_ to both of your faces. It actually made him happy. 

"My help? In what way, what would I have to do-" He was cut short, Hange took no time to waste. "Join me of course, on a quest of scientific discovery!" Her face was tinted pink, fingers wiggling in front of her face. Everyone in the room seem kind of put off by her behavior, though you thought that stuff like this was considered normal from someone like her?

"I-I'm afraid it's not up to me. We're under close restrictions by order of the higher ups. " Eren, suddenly nervous due to her demeanor. Though you had reached across the table and smacked one of your hands on top of his, a pleading look in your eyes.

"Eren, we have to do this. We won't ever get another opportunity. This is a once in a life time thing, you understand that, right?" You had that same blush tint over your cheeks, fascination filling your eyes. It was like Hange's energy was taking over your body, he felt a little uncomfortable by it at first. But he couldn't rip his eyes away from your face, you didn't even know what you looked like to him, right now. Pink face, sparkling eyes, loose strands of h/c hair that fell in front of your face from the bouncy movement. The way you just looked at him in this moment, he think's maybe now that's what was making him feel a little uneasy. 

_She's so excited, it's kinda cute?_ Eren let out a choked breath as the thought passed him by, snapping his head in the other direction to see his Captain instead. You had been so weird lately, but he's starting to think whatever was bothering you was actually gone now, you seemed to be in one consistent mindset for a good amount of time now.

When you got excited about things, Eren always found himself drawn to the way you spoke. The night with the stars, it was just the same now, except you weren't noticing it this time, it was his turn. And embarrassingly enough, in front of so many _people_. He didn't even know what to make sense of it. He just knew that he couldn't let the others see how it got to him, or that it even did in the first place.

"Levi! What's on the docket for the two of them tomorrow?" Eren found himself hoping that his captain would let him reign free for the day tomorrow, not sure if it was just to see you more in your element, or to learn a couple things himself. He convinced himself it was the latter, he needed to train himself to get to the level you were at, that much was clear. 

"Clearing out all the weeds-" "Excellent, then!" She didn't even let him finish talking, taking your hand in her own, and Eren's in her other. She pulled the two of you closer to her, forcing the two of you to knock skulls together in her grasp.

"Young man, young lady, it's settled, then, tomorrow will be _grand!_ " Eren pulled his head out of her grasp, you followed shortly after him, though the two of you still had your hands linked with Hange's. She had quite the death grip on the two of you, it was starting to become apparent. 

"Uh, what exactly will I be doing? Are you...running experiments, or something?" Eren's voice fell sheepish near the end, something quite unusual for him. You only heard him talk like that when he was uncomfortable and unsure of something. Hange seemed to just pull it out of him didin't she?

"You idiot." Levi started to get out of his seat.

"Uhp, there she goes." Eld added.

"I'm out, bye Y/n, see you in the afterlife!" Petra waved herself off, getting up and leaving with a nervous smile plastered across her face. 

"You made the mistake in encouraging her, now you've got Eren doing it too. Nice knowing you, greenhorn." Oluo even chimed in.

"Huh? What's that supposed to mean?" You mumbled out, watching the redhead fade from your view as she left through the door. 

"I knew it! You posses a curious mind too, don't you?" Hange was nearly foaming at the mouth, giddy in excitement, Now was the time where it was starting to weird you out. Now especially that it was just the three of you in there, you could ask anything you wanted to. But, Hange's sudden change in behavior was leaving you a little uncomfortable.

Neither you or Eren got a single wink of sleep that night. She told the two of you all about Sawney and Bean, the two titans she helped captured in Trost. She told the two of you all about the studies she was doing on them, how they reacted to light, how they reacted to pain, even how they reacted to being spoken to. She had named them after two people who historians believed existed, living off of human meat, surviving off of cannibalism. 

She had said that being in such close proximity of those two titans made dealing with tedious day to day tasks easier. You wondered how someone could come to eventually see titans like that. She would tell them stories. She even ate meals with them, or she would just eat in front of them more precisely. She even explained that the original Sawney and Bean that she named them after, gorged on at least five hundred people. They would make steaks cut from hind-quarter meat, leg meat diced and added to stew. Belly fat ground into patties and fried, sausages made from blood clots and intestinal lining...

"I don't think I'm ever gonna eat meat again." You said, covering your mouth. Hange looked at you and gave a big, full laugh. Smacking the surface of the table, she slid up her glasses with her one free hand, and wiped away a tear. Eren looked at you, thinking that if Sasha were here she would maybe bound in joy at hearing you say that, using it to leach off your plate at any given chance. 

"Eren, is she always this funny?" Hange found your comment amusing, simply due to the fact that you _are_ a titan. Titans eat people, even though she was sure the thought of you two doing that wouldn't exactly be something you'd choose to do. But could you imagine, a vegetarian titan?

"Y/n's always funny," He paused, locking his eyes on you even further, a small smirk of a devilish grin started to creep onto his features. "Funny _looking."_ Eren was referring to your titan form, knowing it was something you actually found slightly embarrassing. When Levi called you a monkey, you made it oh so clear. 

"You're such a _jerk_ , sometimes!" You leaned across the table and tried to smack him with an open palm, but Hange just smacked your hand out of the air, and scoffed.

"You two can be such a handful, do you give your captain such a hard time like this?!" She seemed _frustrated._ It made both you and Eren stop dead in your tracks, like two children who had been caught doing something they shouldn't be doing. You felt a lump in your throat, waiting for her to start berating the two of you with a barrage of insults or scoldings.

"Keep it up!" She shot the both of you a huge smile, the same one she showed the two of you earlier. _"_ You're gonna give that poor man a run for his money. Anyways, as I was saying..."

Not everything she talked about was all fun and games, though. When she got serious, it was evident. _Nothing ventured, nothing gained._

You'll repeat this sentiment. Neither you or Eren got a wink of sleep that night. 

* The next morning

"You got kinda excited there for a moment, didn't you, Eren? Just admit it, you think she's a fascinating woman." Your eyes had dark circles under them, and so did Eren's. Even though the two of you walked under direct sunlight, it just made the bags more evident.

"They're a bunch of crackpots, but they're all striving for something, that's for sure." Eren lazily replied back to you. You nudged him in the shoulder, and pretended to pound your fist on an invisible table that wasn't there before you. You did your best Eren impression, gritting your teeth and widening your eyes in the way he usually does when he gets serious.

"Commander Hange! if you don't mind, I think we should hear about these experiments in greater detail. I wanna know everything, if Y/n and I are gonna help you tomorrow, we'll need it!" You mocked, earning a quick jab to your ribcage from the boy you were making fun of. "You only said 'we' so much because you didn't show that you were actually invest in her work, right? After all, aren't you known by everyone in our corps as the dude who just wanted to slay all the titans, no questions asked? Just kill em'-"

"Would you knock it off-"

"You started it! You said I was funny looking-"

"Because you _are_. You're covered in fur, Captain Levi was right. You _do_ look like a monkey. Your teeth are yellow when you're in your titan form, maybe you should brush them for once." He flicked you on the forehead, fingernail landing directly between your eyes.

"I- _Eren_ \- that's such a low blow, even for you." You smacked his hand, sending it back to his side.

"A low blow is still a blow." He muttered to you, which only caused you to spew out more things at him.

Levi and Petra watched everything unfolding from about ten feet away, both of them seeming a little hopeless about their situation just witnessing the two of you bicker at each other like children, swatting each other with open hands like flies.

"Think they'll ever save humanity, like everyone seems to think they will?" Petra asked, watching as you grabbed Eren by his fist, running around the back of his body and shoving his arm into his spine. He yelled obscenities' at you, while you told him to _beg_ if he wanted you to let him go. 

"Not if they kill each other before that." He replied, watching as Eren slammed the back of his skull against your forehead, forcing you to let him out of the locked hold you had on him. 

"Should we really let them keep fighting like that?" Petra asked, a nervous look crossing over her eyes while she watched Eren make an attempt at pinning you into the grass, it was met with you swinging one of your legs around his back, and throwing him to your left on the ground next to you. "After all, Hange kept them both up all night. They haven't slept."

"If they tire themselves out now, it won't be an issue later." Levi had brought his cup of tea with him outside, taking a casual, and calm drink. Oluo met up with the three of them, wondering what all the ruckus outside was about. Once he got a good grasp on what he was watching, he rummaged through one of his pockets, pulling out a small sack.

"My money is on Eren-" "You can't seriously be betting on them?!" Petra yelled, smacking Oluo upside the head. 

While you and Eren were roughhousing on the grass, Mobilit was making his way to the castle on horse, looking for Hange. She was still inside the castle, going over the notes that she wanted to share with you and Eren after her success with the two of you. 

Someone had killed Sawney and Bean right before the crack of dawn.


	27. 27: "We don't have the time or Luxury."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fluff but make it awkward

"W-Who did this?" You asked, eyes wide. You were watching two titan carcasses steaming before you, standing in a large group of people. Both you and Eren were instructed to keep your hoods up, not knowing why, but doing it anyways because you were asked, Hange was screaming out, holding her head in her hands. All her hard work was gone, and an emotional attachment to her work. You knew that those were just two, regular, braindead titans. But to her, that was the fruit of her labor. She was getting somewhere with her research, and everyone knew it. 

"How could something like this just happen?" Eren asked, between you and Levi.

"This is a matter for the military police now. Let it go." Eren nodded, even as Levi walked away. _The military police...would that mean someone like Captain Bach?_ Your face soured, thinking of her. You wanted to have a chance to talk to her, even though she quite literally spit in your face, you had an idea. If there was anybody who could lessen your mothers sentence, wouldn't it be a military police member? You figured someone like Captain Bach would have the power to do such a thing, right? Or, she could at least nudge someone in the right direction? Now you really wanted a chance to meet her again, you just didn't know if she'd even listen to someone like you. Even more, you don't think she really gave a damn about what happened to Samantha. 

"Do you remember Captain Bach, she was there at the courthouse." You said, softly to Eren. Bringing it up now, because it was on your mind at the mere mention of the military police. Eren's face scrunched up at the mention of her name, holding his fists at his sides.

"You shouldn't waste your breath on someone like that. She had no right to talk to you the way she did. If I ever see her again, I swear I'll-"

"You'll do what, Eren? She's a military police captain, we can't just yank her off the street and beat her in an alley for being rude to me. We only know my side, maybe she went through something with my parents that made her this way. I was thinking that someone with her high rank might be able to push my moms sentence back to the court, if she just suggested it be lowered, maybe they would? They'll lobby anything if you throw enough money at it." You quietly explained your thought process, knowing that there was a very tiny chance she would even give you the time of day, much less an actual argument for it. 

"She wasn't just _rude_ to you, Y/n. She wanted to see you die, and wanted it to hurt other people. She _spit_ on you, she was even the one that aimed her rifle at you herself." You listened to Eren voice his thoughts, not once bringing up how she talked about him. In this moment, Eren was only reminding you of the things she said to you, and you alone.

"She hesitated, before she was told to lower her gun. She had an open shot to take me out, and she didn't do it." You said, thinking back to that day. You knew it would catch up to you, coming up in a conversation. You didn't think it had happened, but it did.

"Captain Levi got in the way, she would have shot him on accident." Eren said back, you hummed in response. "If that's what you want to think, sure. We can agree to disagree." You sighed, knowing you weren't going to get anywhere with him when he got like this. 

_Eren Yeager and Mikasa Ackermann, at the ripe age of nine, killed three full grown men._

The words rang through your head like a bell. This anger he was feeling towards Captain Bach wasn't _normal_. Even you had more reason to hate her, and you didn't. You just viewed her as possibly misunderstood. You wouldn't have come to that conclusion, if it weren't for the fact that she hesitated. An obvious duality. 

Something was off about Eren, and you were starting to notice it. It came in glimpses, and it rarely happened. But, it was something that was starting to become a pattern ever since you heard of what he did as a child. 

_You're all gonna die._

You shivered, remembering the first sentence that came out of his mouth after he woke up from being in his titan form. You weren't able to forget, no matter how long you went without the thought passing your mind. There was random occasions when you'd hear it in your sleep, it was the only thing you could consider close to a nightmare, and that wasn't even remotely close. You didn't get those horrible night terrors anymore, which said a lot. But, you still couldn't shake it off. 

_Eren's just strange, that's all._

"What is it you think you see?" Commander Erwin came from _nowhere,_ placing a hand on your shoulder, along with Eren. Your eyes stayed fixed on Eren, having not strayed since you were thinking about those questionable things about him. Erwin's breath was hot down the back of your necks, yet you somehow couldn't rip your eyes off of Eren.

"Who do you think the _real_ enemy is here?" It was a serious question, and one that took both you and Eren off guard completely. Eren turned his face to Erwin, but for some unknown reason, it felt _impossible_ to pry your eyes away from Eren's side profile. 

A couple painstakingly long moments passed, and Erwin let out a cold breath. "Ignore me, loaded question." Erwin had taken his hands off of Eren's shoulder, but kept them on yours for just a moment longer before turning around, and following Levi out of the fenced off area. 

_What did that even mean?_ You thought to yourself, finally able to take your eyes off of Eren, and directing them to the ground beneath your feet.

"What do you think _that_ was about?" Eren asked you, turning around to face Erwin's back as he walked away. You didn't even have an answer for him, only tugging on his green cloak as you took a step to turn around. 

"We should head back. We probably have duties to attend to back at the castle." _It's probably nothing, Eren's just weird like that. He was obviously talking about titans, stop looking for reasons to detour away._

*

You were back at the castle with everybody, you and Eren were feeding your horses.

"After that whole inspection, they didn't turn up one person who used their ODM gear without permission?" You heard Gunter say in the distance, not exactly taking part in the conversation. Instead, you spoke your thoughts out loud to Eren.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually miss seeing Jean's face." It had been way too long, you had a lot of things you wanted to say to him after these recent few days. Eren stopped, a handful of grain falling back into the bucket he was holding in his other hand.

"Do you miss Mikasa? I know that you don't exactly like how over protective she is of you, but I think that it's just her way of showing you how much she loves you. I miss hearing Jean's annoying voice everyday, and picking fights with him. As fun as it is with you, it's just not the same." You managed to slide in a joke, even thought your voice cracked in the middle of your sentence. 

"Of course I miss her." He didn't look at you when he said this, but he continued talking. "I don't miss her hovering over my shoulder twenty-four-seven, though." You gave him a soft smile, feeding your horse another handful of grain.

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that. When Armin and Mikasa get here, I'm gonna tell you three something that's been on my mind. I know that Armin is gonna choose the scouts, but if he doesn't I suppose that's okay too." God, you missed Armin so much. He was like your emotional support blonde. You wonder if you would have gone through only half the mental turmoil that you went through if he was here. 

"You haven't mentioned Armin much lately." He said to you, looking at your face again. You raised an eyebrow, wondering what that means.

"And you only talk about Mikasa if I bring her up. That poor girl is probably worrying her heart out over you. Regardless if you accept the fact or not, it's unusual the longer I see you without her." You don't know what that sentence burned your throat as it came out. 

"What, and you don't think she's worried about you either? Stop thinking that me and Mikasa are something we're not, it's weird. You don't know the way she talks about you when you're not around. If you keep jumping to that conclusion because you don't think you're important enough, I'm gonna have to stop you there. How'd you feel if I suddenly started pointing fingers at you every time you held Armin's hand?" Eren dug his hand into the bucket, you heard it connect with the bottom in a loud thud. 

"Well, I hold your hand too. So that argument wouldn't really work. Plus it's more of a sensory thing, I don't really consider it romantic if that's what you're trying to imply. Nice try though, _Yeager_." You replied with a blank face, watching Eren shove a fist full of grain at his horse. You had to hold back a laugh, instead letting out a sharp exhale through your nose as he just fumed in silence. 

"Oh, I see. Holding hands with girls is embarrassing for you. Can't have the mighty titan slaying machine look soft in front of everyone, right?" You asked, fighting back the urge to drag out his embarrassment even further.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say you were flirting with me, _L/n._ " His response shocked you, even though his voice wavered in the beginning of his sentence, as if he was unsure he wanted to even play this stupid game with you that you had started. He drew out your last name in the same regard you said his, both of you speaking quietly enough that nobody else was able to actually pick up on what you were saying. 

"A titan killing machine? I didn't know you thought of me like that, it's the second time you've brought it up. I'm _humbled._ " Eren's eyes didn't meet your own, as if he was incapable of holding eye contact with you for more than a couple seconds right now. Neither one of you were going to say that this felt uncomfortable all of a sudden, but unable to figure out a way to comfortably break the conversation. Without it suddenly becoming an embarrassing thing that would keep the two of you from talking to each other for the rest of the day. 

"You're stupid." Was all you could choke out, hand full of grain, throwing it at him. He flinched, not expecting you to go on the attack like that. But he jammed his hand into his own bucket, and threw a handful back at you. "No, _you're_ stupid."

"Could you come up with an original insult for once? God I bet your head would explode if a girl ever kissed you." Eren stood completely still once you said that, not even capable of thinking on the fly for something he could say back. It took him a moment, but he came up with a response for you.

"We're soldiers, we don't have the time or luxury for stuff like that. You of all people should know." He went back to feeding his horse, stopping to stroke it's main for a moment. 

"We? Why did you say _we_?" Your chest felt tight, eyes landing solid on Eren's form. The two of you were just young teenagers, trying to find your place in the world where nothing but war and destruction took place, but you found yourself focusing on the fact that Eren said 'we' and not 'I', or 'you'. He didn't even realize the way his words came out after he said them, and this time he kept his eyes on you the next time they went to your own. 

Collectively, both of you stared at each other, pink in the face. 

"No I-"

"Hey, Eren! You know if anyone in your class is thinking about joining us?" He dropped the bucket at the sound of his own name coming from Gunter behind you, looking past your head to see the dark haired man, sitting on the steps next to Eld. You reached out and caught it before it hit the ground, only losing a couple grains. 

"Uh- Yeah, there's a few. Or at least, there were." His mood shifted, remembering everything about Trost, making him forget in this current moment the conversation he was having with you. You dropped the antic behavior as well, reaching across Eren to feed his horse while he spoke to Gunter. 

"I'm really not so sure now." He was quieter this time, but he slowly took the bucket back from you, finger tips grazing against your own as you transferred the horses feed to him. "Hey, don't worry too much about it. I'm sure the right people are gonna show up here any day now." You were able to change your attitude to help with Eren's worries, pretending that the awkward but telling conversation never happened in the first place right now. 

"Fall in!" Levi shouted, you could hear the galloping of his horse coming closer right as he yelled, taking your attention along with Eren's going over in his direction. You placed your bucket on the grounds, taking Eren's for him as he ran off first, you followed behind him. 

You made yourself next to Eren, joining him in his quick salute he threw up in a moments haste. Eld and Gunter got there before the two of you did, already standing at attention.

"Get ready, people. We're going on patrol." Levi ordered from his black steed, at a taller height than all of you for once. "Good morning, Captain! Reporting for duty." Eren shouted, you didn't say anything but you kept your posture as firm as you could. 

"Eren, Y/n, you will both stay within ten meters of me at _all_ times. The only reason that you're out of your cells, is because I'm keeping an eye on you. Is this understood?" Not that you were one to question the captain, but their version of 'keeping an eye on you' really ended in often times with you and Eren being left alone in weird instances Sure there was always someone within earshot, but even Petra gave you privacy with him at one point. You had so many weirdly intimate moments with Eren, you were starting to wonder if the other scouts were beginning to notice it. Other than Petra, obviously. You weren't going to bring it up, though. This little bit of freedom was nice, even if it meant you had to sleep in a cell at night in shackles. You can only take so much, it seems, without having to give something else up. 

"Yes, Sir!" You and Eren shouted, turning around and rushing back to your horses, opening up the stables and settling on the saddles. 


	28. 28: those who stood still

"You're really set on the scouts?" Jean stood before his peers, the sun beating down on everyone as he heard Armin ask his question. Jean knew it would be a shock to most, but he made up his mind. He had multiple reasons, all of them leaving him more emotionally jumbled then the next. 

_I don't even know whose bones these are._

"Yeah." He said, simply. His voice carried a tone of uncertainty, but his face said that this was going to be the choice he was setting in stone. "Yeah, actually. I am joining the scouts." He said it with more passion this time, as if hearing his own uncertainty the first time he spoke.

_Please, give this to my daughter. Tell her I love her._

"Woah, are you serious? I mean, aren't you terrified?" Sasha asked, looking down and away from him. She stood next to Connie, who was squatting down against the wall close to the ground. On the other side of her was Armin, who seemed deep in thought. And next to him was Annie, as quiet as ever during the moment. He looked them all over, twisting the toes of his shoe in the dirt below him as he thought things over.

"Of course I'm scared, I'm not an _idiot_ here." Jean put one of his hands on his hips and tilted his head, giving Sasha a look that a parent would give their kid after asking something dumb. She seemed to be chewing on the inside of her cheek, suddenly in thought. "Then why are you-" Connie started, from his seat on the ground. The sun was blocked by Jean's tall figure, even as he barked back words.

"Because I _am_ scared of the titans, and I wanna do something about it!" He was being pretty assertive, defending his new views and opinions as if he had just been morally questioned. For a moment, he thought of you. Wondering what you'd say to someone if they asked you the same thing. He got to hear Eren give some big speech about humanity, but thinks about what you would have maybe said if it was you, instead. 

"I understand that joining the scouts isn't for everybody, I won't guilt trip you. _Hmph,_ unlike a certain suicidal maniac and a stubborn brat that we all know of." He knew that _maybe_ Armin was aware of your family situation, and upon hearing him call you a brat his face slightly crinkled uncomfortably at it. Jean saw this, and looked away from the blonde, back to Connie. Maybe brat wasn't the right thing to say, but at the moment it was the only thing he could think. 

"Eren and Y/n, huh? I guess they've already been scouts for a while now." His voice was somber, and his eyes remained on the ground and dirt before everyone. Annie let out a sharp exhale from her nose, changing her arms position and folding them across her chest, leaning against the wall more. 

"Cadets! Fall in, head over to the platform, time to make your choice!" Everyone who heard the voice of one of the cadet corps instructors turned and started walking, all except for Jean and this group of cadets that have grown so close over the years. They might not all be friends, or even see eye to eye on most things, but they all know each other. Jean thought that if he was able to convince any of them to make the same choice, it wasn't going to be so hard. Krista, Reiner, Berthold, and Ymir stopped as Jean said his next talking piece, gathering the attention of those as well.

"At the end of the day, nothing I can say will persuade you into risking your life. Same goes for me," His face hardened, and he knitted his eyebrows together. "So believe me when I say, that this decision is all mine." He was about to turn away, but he met his eyes with Armin's for a brief moment. Unable to keep the words in his mouth, he folded upon his thoughts.

Connie and Sasha made their way up, Annie had already walked off and followed behind Reiner and Bertholtd at a good distance. Krista had met up with Ymir and the two of them walked towards the platforms, leaving Jean and Armin in silence as everyone else made their way to their futures. 

"You and Y/n are close, right?" Jean didn't know how to ask, keeping all his thoughts about you and what could possibly have happened to himself. Armin walked away from the wall, prodding Jean to follow him as the two walked to the platforms. 

Armin kept his eyes on the ground, but he none the less spoke back to Jean about it. Everybody with questions came up to him when it came to you and Eren, because he was easier to talk to than Mikasa. But not once until now did Jean make any attempt at something something about you, even though he's asked about Eren.

"Yeah. I know that you two don't get along, but she said you two used to be friends." He feels guilty, not knowing what to say about it. Everything going on really puts things into perspective. 

"Yeah." He didn't know where he was going with this conversation, it just came out of nowhere. He felt so rigid, thinking back to something Luka asked him. He felt his hands shaking, unable to really piece together his thoughts. It had caught him so off guard, really.

"Y/n's dad is really struggling right now. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get through to her, if we're ever even allowed to see her or Eren again at least. But she needs to start talking to them, and she needs to do it soon. Could you try and talk some sense into her, or something? I know at least _you_ could." He rubbed the back of his neck as the both of them walked together, almost at their meeting point. He's debating on giving Armin the stuffed monkey, just so he wouldn't have to do it himself.

But he knew that he needed to be the one to do it, honestly. It might be such a dumb, small thing, but it was something that _Luka_ told him to do. He's just preparing for the worst case scenario, right now. If you weren't going to listen to Jean, he knows you might just listen to Armin. If not Armin, well then he doesn't know, maybe he'd just drag you back home by force. If you were even allowed to leave whatever place you were being kept, that is. 

"I've always been a little concerned about her home life. All of us have parents that aren't exactly around anymore, but Y/n has both her mom-" Armin cut himself off, cringing. He suddenly remembered that Samantha was in jail, serving a long sentence. You had to be built a certain way to make it through the kind of jail that existed within these walls. And your mom? Armin didn't know her, but from the way she sounded? He's worried for the day you get the letter about her death. And not to mention, everything he heard in that court room? He didn't know how to feel about it, it seemed kind of twisted.

"Her dad is losing it. And on top of that, I don't think they're safe. I can't even begin to process anything about Samantha, I heard about why she went to jail, but I don't believe it. I've known that woman for my whole life-" Jean stopped talking once he realized he was getting emotional about it, Samantha was basically his godmother to an extent. He was there the very first day that you came into her life. His mom was close friends with her, there's no way something like that could have happened, and they just didn't know about it. 

"You don't think it's true? That whole story about Amelia Achen?" Armin asked, stopping as the both of them got to the platform. If anyone knew what they were talking about when it came to that part of your life, it had to be Jean. 

This put things into a new perspective, for him. He had the feeling Jean was starting to plan on how to stage some sort of intervention for you, deciding that he was going to be apart of it if it came down to that. But he wondered, _Is this really my place?_

* Later that night, not too long from now.

"Today you will choose your regimen. Lets cut to the chase here, the survey corps needs all the warm bodies we can get. After the recent titan attack, you now know first hand the horrors of which they are capable, as well as the limits of your own skill. However, this battles aftermath, it gave humanity a new chance for victory." Commander Erwin stood tall before all off the graduated cadets, hands folded behind his back. The torches on either side of the massive platform stage lit his face, and lit the faces below him.

"I refer to Eren Yeager, and Y/n L/n. After selflessly risking life and limb, they have proven beyond a doubt that they have unwavering loyalty to our cause. Hope lives in the both of them, Eren _specifically_ has offered us a means to uncover the truth of their origin!" Erwin stated firmly, and loudly. In the crowd, Mikasa and Armin both reacted to this information noticeably. Whispers of 'No way' and 'How is this possible?' scattered around the group, everyone looking at each other with disbelief on their faces, some with shock, a couple with hope. 

"Intel suggests that the cellar of Yeager's home in Shinganshina holds a vital secret regarding our enemy. We will form an expedition to find this secret, find it, and use it to break free from the titans tyrannical hundred year reign!" Erwin shouted once again, every person in this crowd had their own thoughts.

Bertholtd looked over to Reiner, eyes wide. As if asking for his friend to give him some, no, _any_ kind of input. "The cellar, huh?" Reiner said quietly, without looking to his tall brunette companion. 

"If we can figure out what makes them tick, we'll hit 'em where it hurts!" Someone said, the crowd just kept murmuring and talking amongst themselves quietly. Armin, however, started to think about things a bit more realistically.

_I know the scouts desperately need recruits, but going public with this is out of line. Maybe it's a ploy, or a covert plan. Question is, if he's baited the hook, who does he intend to catch?_

"Before we can reach that cellar in Shinganshina, another problem must be dealt with. We must retake wall Maria. Of course, this is much easier said then done." Erwin went on, explaining everything that was on the need to know basis. About how now that Trost was plugged up in such a way that it couldn't be used as a gate, they'd be forced to use a different rout. All future operations had to be changed, the battalion route they spent the last four years working on became useless. 

"Over the course of those last four years, we've suffered losses up to sixty percent. Let me tell you this again, _sixty percent in four years._ That's a horrifying figure. One month from now, we will conduct a recon mission outside the walls. Recruits from among your ranks will be expected to take part, and I estimate a third of them will die. After four years, most will be dead. But those who endure, will be amongst the most capable soldiers _alive._ Now having heard this dismal state of affairs, whoever still wishes to put their life on the line and join us? You'll remain here." Erwin paused, looking down at the dark, somber faces of the cadets below him.

"But first ask yourself, can you give your heart? Can you give _everything_ for humanity?" His voice was more intense as he shouted this to everyone before him, knowing that this is the most serious choice they'll ever have to make in their life. Everything that happens, it will all lead back to this one night. 

"That is all. Those wanting to join other regiments are dismissed." 

As everyone started walking away, a good handful stayed still as their thoughts ravaged their minds. Erwin watched, knowing that those who decided to stay, would either meet a horrible fate, or become strong soldiers that fought for their freedom. 

Connie, Sasha, Jean, Reiner, Bertholtd, Krista, Ymir, Mikasa, Jean, and Armin were among those who stood completely still that night. 


	29. 29: Reunion part 1

**[The night after your patrol with the scouts and Eren]**

"I know it's for our own good, and it's for the safety of the scouts, but I hate these cells." Eren piped up from across from you, you could hear him through your own cell because they had bars, and not doors. A single lantern lit the hallway, allowing you to just barely see his face, 

"Yeah, you're telling me. My nightmares stopped happening, but seeing this every time I go to sleep? Kind of asking for it." You replied, a hum in your response though you were just trying to make the best of it. One of your hands was chained, but not the other. They had partially let up on how tight the restrictions were, but not by much. 

"Soon we go out on our first expedition. I'm so ready for this, this is the moment we've all been training for." Eren was excited, you could hear it in his voice very clearly. It brought a smile to your face, but you wanted to see things a little more realistically. 

"That just means we get to see the new recruits soon. Who do you think is gonna be there? I know Mikasa is gonna be there, there's no way she wouldn't be. I'm hopeful about Armin, but that's all I can think of. I honestly don't know who else we'd see." You pulled your knees up to your chest, burying your chin in them. "Plus, our first expedition probably isn't going to be something super intense, I think we're just gonna go on a basic mission. There's no way they'd actually put a bunch of new recruits in a risky situation right away. Right?" You were sounding pretty unsure of it. You made your concerns pretty relevant in the conversation you were starting. 

A weird feeling just entered your cell, the air got extremely cold from seemingly out of nowhere. You were under ground, so it made sense for it to be cold, but it just got _too_ cold. You felt like you were on guard the moment this shift in the air changed, unable to think of anything else but the sudden difference. The hair on your arms stood upright, goosebumps developed on your skin, even on your legs under your sleeping pants.

You kept looking into the far corner of the room, where the light didn't reach. Your eyes were wide, trying to adjust to the darkness. It feels like something is _right there_. The source of all the uncomfortable energy in the room was coming right from that _corner_. It was like something was just barely in your vision, but you couldn't see it because of the lighting. 

"I don't know either, honestly. But-"

"Eren do you feel that?" You asked _quickly_ , voice suddenly showing every sign of fear that you could think of. It sounded shrill, and not like your own. You immediately heard Eren's wrist chains move as he sat up, his face came into the light more. At the tone in your voice, he dropped the previous conversation and stared into your own cell, mostly at your face.

You didn't look away from the corner, trying to see any given sign of movement, anything. But you honestly didn't know what you would do if you saw anything. Would you scream? Maybe you think you'd panic or freeze up. But this was dreadful, you didn't know if you were just letting the confined space finally get to you, or if your mind had suddenly stopped deciding it was going to be nice to you. As if by mentioning those weird nightmares again, fate wanted to present you with something much worse. 

Since you felt uneasy, you asked Eren if he could wait until you were asleep to actually get some shuteye himself. He questioned it, but you just said that you were nervous about the expedition coming up soon. It was just in a couple days at this point. This wasn't the big one they were talking about, but more of a drill? It wasn't explained clearly to you, yet. 

But you just blamed that on the feeling. Eren didn't argue it, but just said you should get to sleep soon if that was the case. 

That feeling went away, but it took some time. Still, what the hell was that?

*

A couple days had passed, the long range scouting mission was explained to you and Eren separately. Every time they taught you about it, or wanted you to learn something new, they would do it in private. Both you and Eren were being told different things about the locations of one another, without even knowing it. You asked why they were training you both separately, your only answer for it was that Commander Erwin had his reasons. That was it. And on top of that, it was strictly forbidden for you and Eren to converse with one another in the previous days. The last time you spoke to him was that night, and the next time you went to bed? Eren was not on the other side of the hallway in his cellar. You had been told that he was moved elsewhere in the mean time, but that he was indeed still locked up somewhere in the castle while everyone slept. 

During those few days, Hange was also working with Eren on his titan abilities. You thought it was incredibly strange that she never came up to you with the same things, even weirder was that you weren't allowed to see him do it either. You hadn't even heard his voice in these last couple days, they were actively working hard to make sure he didn't even see the back of your head. You were convinced they had him sleeping at different times to make it even easier. Everyone you asked about it said it would just make sense later, and that you didn't have to worry about anything other than the mission.

That's what a good soldier did. They focused on the mission, and so you did. The mission came first, and you did everything in your power to make sure you were gonna do it right. You had taken notes, copied the diagram, every day you spent studying. Sure, you miss being around Eren sort of. But this was the entire reason you wanted to be a scout. You needed to prove that this was what you were gonna do. And you were gonna do it damn well.

You were told you position in the long range scouting formation was going to be with Dita Ness, you were to be placed right behind the new recruits. And for some unknown reason, you were told not to repeat that information to anyone. When you asked about Eren, they told you he was going to be positioned on the left wing. 

Just because you were separated from Eren, didn't mean you were alone. You found yourself spending almost all of your time with Petra at this point, and when she wasn't here it was because she was with Eren. Petra really had become somebody who you enjoyed talking to, even more now that you were pretty much isolated from the only other person close to you in your age. 

Even right now the two of you were together, doing castle duties. It was your turn to pick out the weeds in the front field of the castle, starting at the cement walkway. They grew up in the cracks, and it was a pain in the ass to rip them out. Thankfully you were given thick gardening gloves, but even Petra seemed to be entirely done with these nonsensical duties and chores. 

"Oh, looks like the new recruits are here finally." Petra said softly, watching as a group of younger looking people came into her view from the distance. You quickly turned your head, sweaty hair whipping around in the opposite direction as you looked at the people she was talking about. Leading them was Dita Ness, walking his own horse instead of riding it. The sun was still up pretty much for the day, but you could tell it was going to set soon. 

Your face grew excited, turning to look at Petra instantly with a happy look in your eyes. 

_No fucking way, is that Armin?! He's the only one I can see clearly right now- oh my god it's ARMIN!_

"Miss Petra, can I go say hi? Please I haven't seen them in so long. I understand if I can't do that though." You wanted to go see them, but you also wanted to make it aware that if this was something you weren't allowed to do, then you'd have to be okay with that.

"What did I tell you about calling me that? Just Petra is fine! And yes, you can go see your friends, just make sure you don't say anything about the long range scouting mission, that's the only rule. Go on, I'll catch up to you in a minute." She did not have to tell you twice. You instantly got up on your feet and took off running to them, the distance between them and the castle closed as you picked up your pace,

_IS THAT JEAN?!_

Your thoughts were absolutely whizzing by you in astonishment, not even sure who to go up to first. As soon as they seemed to notice you running at them as you got into their eyesight, Armin and Mikasa followed suit in the same reaction. They both sped off, leaving their peers in the dust as they came closer to you. 

"Y/n!" Mikasa and Armin both yelled, seeing your face for the first time in forever. You were about ten feet away now, feeling tears stinging your eyes as the three of you ran at each other in full speed. Not a single one of you slowed down, which meant that you ended up crashing into your friends instead.

You had managed to wrap your arms over both of their shoulders, yanking them into your chest as you charged at them. You took them down to the ground with you, squeezing their bodies with your arms even as they did the same to you. It all came out of nowhere, suddenly you found yourself crying happy tears as the three of you laid on the grass, while the other recruits started jogging to see what was going on, leaving Ness alone to have to walk his horse up just a little faster.

"Mikasa _I missed you so much you have no idea_ , I am so sorry for the way I talked to you earlier when they were pointing the cannons at us _I'm so sorry!"_ You yelled into her shoulder, shaking her back and forth. At this point you were talking hysterically, thinking back to what you said to her before all of this even _happened_. She just wrapped her arm tighter around your back, and buried her face in the crook of your neck. Probably to hide her own. It was a short action, because she followed it by yanking her head back and locking her slate gray eyes with your own

They were very wide indeed. She was full of questions and you could tell. 

"Did they do anything to you here? Why isn't Eren with you? Have they been giving the two of you enough food?" She said to you with a hint of alarm and concern, but Armin on the other side of you snapped your attention away when he hugged you just as tight from the other side, making you realize just how uncomfortable everything was, but oh you didn't give a damn. The privacy of this big open field wasn't much, and you know that there was nothing professional about any of this, but screw it, right? You almost _died_ , you think you're allowed to feel like this once and a while. 

"Eren's okay! No they didn't do anything to us." You said, and then turned your attention to Armin.

"Armin! Holy _shit_ I was wondering if you were gonna be here or not. You- I just, Armin so much has happened I can't even explain right now." You let go of Mikasa, and launched yourself into the arms of the blonde completely, not caring about the tears that were getting all over his shirt at the moment. His hands found themselves around your back, while you hooked yours under his shoulders and squeezed him as tight as you could. You missed everything about these two, burying your face in Armin's chest and letting out happy sounds of relief. Everything had just come _undone_ in this moment, and you wondered if Eren was gonna be like this with them or not, you're pretty sure that the answer to that was going to be a hard no. Judging by what Mikasa said, it didn't seem like they had ran into him yet. 

"Y/n we missed you too. I'm so happy you're _okay!_ But please stop crying, everything's gonna be fine!" He tried to get you to come to your senses, everyone was about to come and see this, and he was pretty sure you didn't want everyone else to see you crying like this. The three of you sat in the field for a couple moments, just taking in every ones existence. The grass was so soft, the daisies looked so pretty. Everything about this was perfect, you just wished that Eren was here too. All of the stress that started at the court room, up until the last couple days, you really just let _everything_ out. 

You looked behind Armin, and couldn't believe your eyes. 

"I _thought_ I saw you from all the way back there..." You mumbled, getting up off your knees slowly, letting go of Armin and Mikasa. Your eyes never left his figure, it was _Jean_. He stood barely ten feet away, hands resting at his sides, you couldn't make out the kind of face he was giving you, it seemed kind of bittersweet. But there was something painful behind his eyes. On his back he carried a satchel, one strap resting across his chest. It looked like he had brought something with him, seeing as nobody else had any kind of bags with them.

"But I thought you wanted to join the Military Police...?" You continued, walking over to him slowly at first, but you couldn't stop your feet from moving faster as you got closer, and he didn't even take a step forwards but you were _sure_ to close the gap as soon as you saw that there was even one to begin with. And judging by the space between him and the others behind him, you could tell that at _one_ point he had taken off darting after Mikasa and Armin. He had made a good pace of space between him and the rest he was once walking with. 

You couldn't stop yourself from _running_ , all the thoughts and worries you had about Jean suddenly poked through the back of your head like a painful reminder, and every nerve in your body was under the control of instinct. It was like a matter of seconds, one moment you were on the ground with Mikasa and Armin?

The next thing you knew, he had his arms wrapped around your body, and you had done the exact same. It felt like years of tension was just cut like a string in the matter of seconds. His hand found its way to the back of your head, holding you against him closer. You felt his knees buckle slightly, but he remained upright. You clenched the back of his cadet corps jacket in your hands, gripping the fabric as if you were trying to see if it was even _real._

_Years of resentment._ And it had just _evaporated_ the moment you made contact with him. But a feeling a regret filled your heart, for ever letting it even _get_ to that point in the first place. You took everything about him in, his hands, the way his hair smelled, his posture. All of it. 

"I thought you were _dead,_ Y/n. Everyone kept saying you were _missing_ before I found out what was going on." He quietly said into your ear. The way Jean spoke made it sound like he hadn't even planned on talking to you like this in the first place. His voice was stable, sure. He held onto his words pretty firmly, but there was just something in the way his voice sounded that made it seem like he had no idea where he was going with any of this. 

"You left Marco for the scouts...what happened, why? Wasn't that the entire plan?" You asked, not sure what to make of it. Why would Jean come to the scouts? You thought that if he did manage to make it to the scouts, that he was gonna at least come with Marco. It was an extremely unlikely thought, you knew that, but it didn't make sense. Jean of all people? The last time you saw him, he was getting on Eren's case about the scouts, asking him why any of it actually even mattered?! 

"What the hell was all of that for, then?!" You asked into his shoulder, having to bite back the bitter way it almost came out. Instead it sounded surprised, but shrouded in disbelief. _The entire reason we didn't see eye to eye was because you disagreed with me for wanting to join the scouts, and now you're just here?! Why, what changed?!_

You didn't want to keep crying anymore, it was bad enough you got your tears and snot all over Armin from your emotional outburst. But the next thing he told you, they were what really brought out the water works. Sasha, Connie, Reiner, Bertholtd, Krista, Ymir, they all saw what happened as Jean spoke his next few words.

_"Marco is dead."_


	30. 30: Reunion part 2

m/n = mother name

End of season three part 2 spoilers in this chapter

* * *

"H-How...?" You asked, unable to move as the news ripped through your body like a spear through your back. Jeans grip on you tightened as he felt you fall slack in his arms, Armin and Mikasa came up to the two of you as the event unfolded. Both of them felt horrible for what was going on right now, they figured you probably didn't know, but seeing you go through the motions? It hurt them, in a silent way that they kept to themselves. Jean seemed to have a better grip on your situation right now, so they walked past and left the two of you to your conversation.

"We'll talk to the others for a minute, give you guys some time." Armin said as he passed you, placing a hand on your shoulder before leaving with Mikasa to talk to the others who no doubt would be catching up soon. Petra must also probably be coming up on your trail, she's probably wondering what the hell you're going on about after watching you tackle two of your friends, and then hug someone else.

"I wish I knew." Jean said into your ear, slowly letting go of you once you tried to take a step back. He watched as you wiped your eyes, doing anything you could to stop the tears from spilling out. You just seemed so tired of everything that was going on already, and then on top of this you had to be told something like that? Even though you weren't sobbing, even though you weren't shaking in the heartbreak, the tears silently slid down your cheeks. 

"Marco was the one who taught me how to use a rifle, Marco was the one who was supposed to get into the Military Police, Jean he was gonna change things." You mumbled, eyes wide and staring directly onto a daisy that poked out of the grass. It seemed like either you or Jean had previously stepped on it, wilted, with half it's petals missing in a pile right below it. Almost like some sick form of symbolism that you weren't even aware of in this moment. 

"I know, I know. You don't have to remind me. I wish I could say that he died with honor or something, but truthfully I don't even know how he ended up like that." Jean rubbed the back of his neck, eyes falling on the daisy you had seemed so invested in during this moment. He looked away from it, cringing. 

"Like _what?"_ You asked, looking up at Jean in his hollow amber eyes. "Ended up like what?" You asked again, reaching for his shoulders and putting your hands on them. You were staring at him in the face, with wide eyes that finally stopped leaking tears, but they were still red and irritated. The red veins popped out against the comparison of the white base they rested on, bringing out the flecks of light in the irises of your e/c eyes. Jean found himself getting lost in the way you seemed so broken, almost _unhinged_ in the way you looked at him. It made his chest hurt, that look in your eyes wasn't _normal_ , even for someone who was currently grieving the loss of someone they either looked up to, or considered a good friend. Jean didn't know which one it was, to be honest. Marco had a way of seeming like he was a noble person, without even trying to. He was just.. _.good,_ in nature. A saint, if you will. 

"I talked to Luka the other day." Jean changed the subject, but it only caused you to start shaking his shoulders aggressively instead. His head shook against the force you let out, while you dug your nails into the fabric of his jacket once again. He could feel your grip tightening harshly, fighting back the look of pain that was starting to form on his face. 

"Jean, how did you find Marco?!" You shouted at him, lips twitching upwards in a nervous smile, as if this was some kind of joke that Jean was trying to pull over you, some sick disgusting joke. But, you'd prefer that. You'd give anything to hear Jean say that this was a foul attempt at getting under your skin. But that look you were giving him, it only made him more anxious. It was clear that this was breaking your ability to think rationally clean in half. 

"I don't want to think about it, Y/n. I don't know what happened or how he got that way. I just just assume a titan..." He trailed off, leaving his words up to your interoperation. He watched your face fall, that nervous smile dropping off your face and turning directly downwards as you opened your mouth, only a short _"Oh.."_ left your lips. Your hands loosened on his shoulders, and your face dropped to the grass between the two pairs of feet once more.

_A titan killed Marco...no...that's, that's brutal. Someone like- Marco? He was never supposed to....what? If he had just made it to the interior, he would have **never** had to see one of those disgusting fucking things?! I'll kill them, I swear to god I'll kill every GODDAMN titan that comes near my-_

"Y/n, you need to talk to Luka again, you're all that he has left. He's your father..." Jean tried changing the subject once more, breaking you out of your thoughts. His voice pulled you back into reality, but the anger never left your heart. Your blood boiled, your skin crawled, you had never felt an anger like this in your _entire_ life, yet you were forced to stand still in your prison of a body, and _accept it._ You had to come to terms with the fact you were capable of feeling such a hatred like this, something you've never felt shake your bones in such a way before.

Not even the way Captain Bach treated you forced this emotion out of you.

Jean pulled the satchel off of his back, raising his arm above his head as the brown leather strap slid down his chest and around his other arm. He was noticing that you weren't exactly yourself right now, given the look on your face and the empty void of color that was once held in your eyes. 

"That man is just a _shell_ now, if you don't talk to him soon I'm worried he's not going to be the same ever again-"

"Why don't you talk to _your_ mom, Jean? Why do you always have to get in my damn business-"

"My mom isn't about to spend the rest of her life rotting in _JAIL_ , Y/n. My dad doesn't spend his nights _shit faced_ in the house with the front door open! You don't _get_ to look me in the eyes and tell me that my issues with my own mom are just like yours. I'll have you know that I went and visited them, I dragged your dads _limp body_ to my house and made him stay there until he gets better! Do you even know why I give a damn enough to bring this shit to your attention?! It's because I fucking _care_ about you, _and_ your parents, Y/n! I'm tired of you acting that you hate me, just so you can justify whatever the _hell_ it is we said to each other all those years ago that you never seemed to get along with. Not that it matters now, because _look_ , we both ended up exactly where you wanted to be, aren't you fucking happy?!" He yelled in _your_ face, his turn to grab your shoulders this time. No doubt, his voice reached the group of new recruits behind the two of you, you were sure that this sudden outburst ripped through the air and made it's way into the heads of everyone around the both of you.

"I'm-" You were about to start, but Jean shoved the satchel into your chest and walked past you.

"If you're gonna say that you're sorry, you can do it later. I don't wanna talk to you when we're both clearly upset about our own shit." As Jean walked past, your hands gripped the leather material, not yet daring to drag your fingers over the zipper quite yet to see what was inside.

But something about whatever was inside this bag, it made you a little uneasy. You almost didn't even want to open this mysterious package Jean had just forced upon you into your life. 

You were left to stand there in shock, as everyone else came into your view. They all seemed to be giving you a similar look, not knowing what the hell they just overhead, or even if they were supposed to hear any of it in the first place. Like they had just walked in on something they were supposed to forget about as soon as they saw your eyes.

Petra's soft hand on your shoulder from behind you, it was the defining thing that brought you back to your senses upon the looks you all shared with one another. 

_I need to stop fighting with Jean all the time. I was the one in the wrong for all these years, not him. Now I see it, I'm, such a fool._

You kept to yourself for the rest of the day, not even joining in when Eren and everyone were allowed to see each other once more. You used that time later in the night while everyone else was watching up, to get ahead on your castle duties so that way you would have less to do after you came back from the mission, that you were all going to head out on _tomorrow_.

**[Later]***

That night when you slept in your cell, you were faced with one of those strange dreams again. However, it was not a nightmare this time.

Instead, you watched through the eyes of a taller woman, sitting in a field full of tall grass, and long stalks of wheat. She wore a blue uniform, and sat atop a large rock. Her long h/c hair was barely in your vision, but there was a man there as well. She wasn't alone, and you felt trapped as if inside her mind, watching but not being able to act or think for yourself through the windows of her eyes. You were just a witness, hearing thoughts and words that came out of her mouth. Seeing the scenery before you, as if she was just a vessel in the current moment. And you were nothing more than a trapped spirit. 

_"Does it ever get easier? Having to kick our own people off the wall?" She asked, looking down as if her fingers had suddenly became so fascinating. The sadness in her heart, it was strong enough for you to feel yourself. She was a woman who had a multitude of dualities from the way her gut twisted and turned as the thoughts crossed her mind, remembering the way it felt the first time she sent a_ child _to heaven. the guilt, the anger. And yet, she had to stand there and act as though it was possible she could have maybe even enjoyed doing such a thing._

_"I had to cut off a mothers hand today. She was turned in for stealing fruit, of all things. Not even for herself, but for her children." She confessed, feeling as though she didn't even deserve to have the fingers she was staring at anymore. "An officer told me it would be a lovely sight to see one of those devils lost the hand they begged with. Kruger, I-"_

_"You did the right thing. You weren't given a choice, he was suspicious of you. You'll have to do it again, at least she wasn't killed for it." The man had chosen now to sit next to the woman, his hand lapping on top of hers for comfort. She froze in emotional pain as his fingers laced around hers, the way they gripped was not for her support, it was for his own. He had been doing these things for much longer, killing those who he was trying to protect. He was trying to prepare the woman for the future that was sure enough to come, but he was having second guesses as he had accidentally become too fond of her._

_"Eren, I have a husband." She gently slid her hand out from under his, but she never let go of the pained look in her eyes. It was as if this sentence was spoken with regret, and even with her hand slinking away. She still longed for his touch._

_From behind her eyes, you found your own heart pounding harshly in your chest, it seemed as though every strong emotion she was feeling was just being sent straight to you. This was not a love she felt for the man she considered her husband, but for the sandy haired stranger named Kruger who sat next to her in silence instead._

_There was nothing of importance in the view before the two of them, no real distinguishable buildings or objects. It was like this area consisted of nothing but a field that stretched on forever, surrounded by trees that gave them privacy. This was almost like it was their own secret place, where they could talk freely. Well, as freely as their internalized and hidden emotions would let them. You could feel every bit of tension and secrecy hidden through the blood that ran through the woman's veins, as if it was running through your own._

_A strong emotion ripped through your own heart while the two of them sat together. It became obvious to you that these two felt like they could never be together. She had rarely spoken to him informally from the way her voice sounded, always calling him by his last name seemed comfortable. Judging from the way it felt when his first name slipped out of her mouth, like a moment of weakness. You thought it as though she knew she was doing something wrong, like she was going to get into trouble if caught speaking like this to him, in that soft pleading tone._

_Reminding herself that she was a married woman, not him._

_"You'll live a full life, M/n. Take your husband and run away from all of this, go live a life you can be happy having. I had no right to drag you with me down this road once you figured out I was the owl. You've served your people well, but I think it's time to let go. Run to the mountains in the east, never come back." He didn't look at her, but she saw the way his sandy blondish brown hair flew in the wind as he took off his blue flat top, the one that matched his uniform so perfectly. His hair covered his eyes, hiding them from her view. He held his hat in his hands, and rested it over his lap as he crossed his wrists together, keeping his hands away from hers, like her life depended on it._

_"No, I can't give up yet. I've started making a plan, Kruger! I know it would be fruitless to ask you to make me your successor, you've already shot that idea down several times. But do you remember the story of that family, the one who protected the royal blood? I think it's more than just a fairytale, the same way I thought the Owl was more then a myth. I found you, didn't I? It's all science, I think that if we took a partial piece of the specimen from the fema-" This woman was about to explain what she had spent months thinking about, all her work that she had been doing in secret, she was about to bring her notes and findings to light._

_"You're going to lose yourself if you go down that path. You're a wonderful woman, despite all the things you've been forced to do under the circumstances I put you in. I wouldn't forgive myself if you went on with this plan you're about to tell me." Kruger was quick to cut her off, holding his hand over his forehead, unlinking his wrists. It looked as though he was seeing images to pictures that she hadn't even started to paint yet, the ending to a story she hadn't even begun to start telling._

_Through her eyes, you saw the desperation he was trying to hold onto, a look that just knew this woman who was so madly in love with him, a fact that he wasn't even able to wrap his head around. He just looked like he was trying to change one thing, just one. And it seemed like he was trying to save the future of the woman right next to him, regardless of who she was spoken for. It didn't matter to him that she was wed to someone else, all that mattered was that she moved on with her life._

_There was so much unspoken hurt, and broken feelings between these two adults. You could tell by the way they sat in silence. You could feel her urge to hold his hand back, despite the fact she had just told him that she has a husband not too many moments before this. As if the sudden reminder that she was married was what encouraged her to push forward with a plan, always moving forwards despite how the odds are. If she couldn't be happy with the man she truly loved, then she was going to make his plans come to light long after he was dead, in her own way. She chose that she would fight for him, in his absence. Regardless of how he felt about it. Regardless of how she had to force herself into a loveless marriage, just for appearances._

_Her urge to reach for his hand resonated with you. For, you have that same feeling when it came to someone else too._

_She bit back her thoughts, it was like she knew they were being seen by someone else. You felt her push back on the openness of her emotions, giving you a weird feeling in your gut as you continued to witness everything going on in this strange dream you were having. It all felt entirely too real. Almost impossible to think for yourself when one of them said something important, but using the context clues from the way they spoke to be able to piece things together to make any sense of the vague way they were speaking._

_"Y/n is a beautiful name, don't you think?" Kruger looked up into the horizon, where the sun was setting. It casted a golden light upon the two adults, one of them leaning back against the flat surface of the rock to bask in the rays._

_"It is. Why do you ask me something like that?" The woman looked up at him once again, her voice carried a tone of confusion, but she was very much intrigued where Kruger was going with this. Sometimes he said things that always confused her, but then he would always say that it would just make sense later._

_"No particular reason," He paused, opening his eyes and turning back to the woman. He slowly got up, put his cap back on, and turned away as he slid down off the side of the rock. His shin length boots scathed against dirt and pebbles, landing heavily on the grass below._

_"I'll see you later, M/n."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were unaware, I'm referencing the OG Eren Kruger in this chapter


	31. 31: The day of the Expedition

"Y/n, get up, come on you can't sleep forever." _That voice, it sounds like Eren?_ The voice was followed by the sound of keys jangling, and another pair of foot steps coming up from behind him. The noise brought you out of the rest of your foggy dream, slowly fluttering your eyes open, feeling a wet and sticky residue on the left side of your face with your hand as you slowly made your way in a sitting up position. 

"Huh? What's-" You looked up and saw _Commander Erwin_ opening the door to your cell, not sure why he was in the castle right now. To be fully honest, your sense of awareness was relatively out of check right now, nothing really held any form of importance as your head felt so heavy from being woken up so suddenly. You felt like you had woken up too early, from whatever dream you were just having. Standing right behind Commander Erwin was none other than Eren, holding onto the other side of the bars even though the door had been slid open to the side. Erwin flipped through the second key on the ring, tossing it over to you.

"You're late. We're heading out in an hour, you can unlock your restraints. Someone must have let you sleep a little longer than intended." Erwin left your cell, if he's in the _castle_ , that means that _today_ is the day of the scouting mission. suddenly it hit you like a ton of bricks, eyes widening while your messy hair floofed in the direction you yanked your head, taking the key and jamming it into the brace around your wrist. With a quick twist, Erwin was already out of your cell, halfway gone before Eren stood in the doorway that was once closed off.

"Y/n, were you _crying?_ " He asked, looking to smeared side of your face, hair stuck at weird places, dirt and sweat from the day before mixing in with the dried tears that must have been seeping out of your eyes in your sleep. You hadn't even noticed other than when you put your hand to it, but you didn't think you were crying? 

Surely enough, your eyes were slightly puffy, and you had those annoying crunchy bits of residue left on the outer corners of your eyes. You rubbed them together porously, groaning as you did so when it hurt to forcefully separate the icky texture.

"No, I just had a weird lucid dream. That's all. Thanks for coming and checking up on me yourself, but aren't we not supposed to be talking right now?" You asked, getting up out of your cot after sliding off the wrist restraint, "You should really go after Erwin now, there has to be an actual reason they want us separated. You shouldn't get caught lingering, right?" You saw Eren cross one of his legs over the other and fold his arms across his chest. His hair was brushed, his uniform was on and clean, he had been ready for hours by the looks of things, even had all his straps in order, and fitted his ODM gear to it. Time just felt like it was going by really slow in comparison to the long but foggy dream you just had. 

"When did you even get to sleep? I don't think I've ever seen you this tired. Didn't seem to deny the tears, either." He had a stupid proud smirk on his face, as if finding this was something to give you a hard time for. Damn, he sure had gotten comfortable being able to pick on you lately. You don't think he would have talked so boldly like this in front of you maybe a year or two ago. Maybe it was just the last real conversation the two of you had with each other that gave him this confidence boost.

"I just had a long dream, there's nothing else to it. We all get them sometimes. I'm still adjusting to waking up, seriously you need to go. I can't get changed if you're in my cell, I've probably already disappointed the commander by not being up when everyone else should be." You quickly found the hairbrush you kept in the cell, and started pulling it through your hair with a decent amount of care, but a little faster than you'd like. Wincing when you found a knot, but trying to keep yourself from ripping it out of your scalp at the same time. 

"I thought you'd be more excited, this is our first real mission as scouts after all. You said something in your sleep before Erwin got here, whose M/n? It's been a while since I heard you mumbling to yourself like that." Eren said, watching you as you raked the brush through your hair. His green eyes followed the direction of your hand, landing on your own eyes when you glanced at him from the side.

_I'll see you later, M/n._

"I had this weird dream I _already_ told you, think it had something to do with my actual mom. Do I _need_ to tell you every little detail that goes on in my brain to get you to bug off? Eren we have important things to do today!" You shouted at him in annoyance, fighting the urge to just send the hairbrush flying across the cell. 

"Well yeah, that's _why_ I'm checking in on you. We have a huge _mission_ soon. I just wanna make sure you're okay enough to go out there today. You've been kind of strange these last few weeks in totality. I'm not trying to be weird or anything-"

"Well you are definitely _strange,_ Yeager. Even if I wasn't in the right headspace, _which I am now_ , it's not like I could sit out. Me and you are kinda the big keys in this whole situation." You pointed the hairbrush at him and raised an eyebrow, something about the way his last name slipped through your lips didn't feel like it normally did when you'd use it. This time it felt like it was what you were supposed to say in this moment. A weird feeling of Deja-Vu smacking you off your feet, but leaving you planted firm in your place where you stood.

It felt like you and Eren had already had this exact exchange of words before. You didn't know how else to explain the feeling, it just did. 

"I don't mean to be snappy. I just woke up, I'm gonna get changed. Thank you for coming and checking on me, I really mean it." You felt bad for snapping at him, giving him a softer look and mustering up a gentle smile in his direction. You meant it, too. You were happy Eren took time out of his day to make sure you were okay, it didn't seem like much, but it was something. The attitude towards you, while also at the same time showing consideration? It made you feel nice. It was like an even balance. Eren returned the look after a moment, but he nodded and said something along the lines of wanting to talk to you after the whole mission was over with. 

When you got up to get the pile of clean clothes from the other side of the cell, you managed to kick the satchel that Jean had given you from your father across the room, punting it into the brick wall on accident. Petra said she had to go through it when you brought it back, just to make sure it wasn't a secret message from someone with ill intentions. That's the only reason you were able to keep it in your cell. 

You weren't expecting it to be so easy to kick. You stared at the bag from where you stood, knowing it was light but that was surely unexpected. "Huh, guess I'll have to open you up when I get back." You mumbled to yourself, looking around the cell hallway before taking off your sleeping pants and changing out of your clothes, to put on the fresh clean uniform before you. The rest of your gear was upstairs, there's no way they'd let you and Eren hold onto it in your cells. But you had some manageable amount of privacy, enough to change in. 

Kicking the bag under your cot, you grabbed a hair tie from the side of the small table that was in the room, and threw your hair up to keep it out of the way of your ODM gear after you put everything on. Your hair was starting to get a little longer than you'd like, enough to tie it into a braid and wrap it around it's self. You're sure to give it a trim by the time you come back. It's not so much a vanity thing as it is a safety precaution. It was wise to keep hair short, not just out of fear of it getting caught in the ODM gear, but from a titan grabbing you by your scalp as well.

Shivering at the thought, that would be such a horrible way to go out, wouldn't it?

The belts were always a hassle, and you were running out of time. Before you knew it, you were fully dressed and making your way up the giant stone steps of the castles underground dungeon, just to face all your new comrades. You already knew everybody there, though.

The only difference is, now you're _all_ scouts.

*

You were placed behind the new recruits, Eren and squad Levi where absolutely _nowhere_ in your sight at all what so ever, instead you sat on your horse alongside Dita Ness and Eld. Looking before you, you could spot Armin and Jean and Sasha relatively easily, alongside Reiner and Bertholtd, Krista and Ymir. They were a little more spread out, but the recruits closest to you were definitely Jean and Armin. You barely saw the back of Mikasa's head somewhere far upfront, assuming she was probably moved to be around the more skilled soldiers, due to her rank from your training days. 

The toll of a bell from above right on top of the wall rings through the air, and the birds scatter at the sound. The sky is bleak and gray, not the usual sun you've been seeing these past few weeks. You can't seem to feel exactly excited, even though this is basically what you've been preparing for for years. Something about today doesn't exactly sit right with your bones, and you don't know why. It just doesn't _feel_ like it should, or at least the way you always expected it to. 

You'd always assumed your first venture outside the walls would leave you giddy, excited, unable to sit still on your horse. Thinking back to your very first day in the military, you stood before Keith Shadis with excitement running through your legs, hoping the day like this would come. Of course you were threatened by him at first, but before he called on your name that day? You remember the electricity than ran through the fibers of your muscle, the nerves in your body. You were a hot flame of passion on that day.

And now you sit, on the back of your horse, picking at your finger nails as the anxiety starts to rise in the back of your mind. Something just feels _off_. It's that same Deja-Vu emotion from earlier, but it isn't exactly a positive reminder that settles in the bottom of your mind, like a bottle in the pond finding a bank of silt. Nobody knows what message is hidden inside the bottle, but everyone can see it sinking to the bottom. That's exactly what this feeling is coming to you, if you could find a way to visualize it. 

You don't notice it, but you find your eyes searching the crowd of heads and horses for Eren. It's nerve wracking, not knowing where he is, and him not knowing where you are. It made no sense, but Captains orders, right? No, _Commander's_ orders.

"Hey, Y/n! I had no idea you were gonna be positioned so close to me." You heard Armin say, watching the blonde turn his head around to face you, just like the very first day he had laid his eyes on you. Although, this time a hand was not connected to the top of his skull, and he wasn't giving you that freaky look in his eyes. 

"You didn't? I'm gonna be right behind you the whole time, though." _How would Armin not know something like that? It's not like- Oh._ It all clicked.

Yours and Eren's locations were being mislead to everyone else, even each other. Now it made sense.

_Why would Commander Erwin do something like that?_

"Well, I already feel a little safer knowing that much." You couldn't help but smile at the words Armin said. If anything were to go belly-up, the first thing you'd do is make sure your peers were okay. After all, isn't that the whole point of you being placed in the back? You were meant to protect the newbies. Even so, with a task like that? It's hard to forget that you're _also_ a newbie yourself. It's not like you were exactly seasoned in the art of rescue. You have a slight fear that you'd accidentally crush someone without realizing it. 

"That's why I'm here. Don't worry about a thing, I doubt anything's gonna happen, but if it does? I got your back." You winked at Armin, pushing past the anxiety that filled you at your core, and put on a brave face for your friend. It's so nice being around him again, he just seems to know how to drain out your heavy thoughts without even trying. Classic Armin. 

He turned back around after giving you a subtle thumbs up. not wanting to get you in trouble for taking too much of your attention before the mission started. 

"TITANS IN THE VICINITY HAVE BEEN LURED AWAY, THE GATE OPENS IN THIRTY SECONDS!" A loud voice called from up front, you couldn't tell who it was from, but their voice bellowed enough to get to the very back of the massive group. There were definitely a large group of people from behind you, but still. You weren't exactly up in the front or the direct middle either. 

Your gear sat heavy on both sides of your legs, some of the weight evenly distributed by the horse. You were only given one horse, while some in front of you held onto a second with them. You were okay with that, shouldering less responsibility than you were already given. _When we come back, Erwin gave me permission. I can tell them that I had nothing to do with that cult ran by Amelia about the walls._

"Hey, L/n, you listenin'?" Dita Ness said from your side, grabbing your attention. Currently, he was your captain, not Levi. In this mission, you were to answer to him first.

"Yes, Captain Ness! I'm ready, no need to worry Sir." 

"Good." He fixed the white bandanna on his head, and gave you a solid smile. You looked around what was supposed to be a common street, a good lot of civilians inside their homes watched from their open windows, and door steps. The sight before you was amazing, and you hadn't even noticed it up until now. There were a couple questionable looks on peoples faces, but some of the kids? 

The looks of hope, admiration, and awe...your heart _melted._ You didn't even think you _liked_ kids, up until now. You'd never really stop to think about it, but children are the future of the world, right? You were once a child, and now you're a teenager. You are shaping the future, along with everyone here. And those kids, the ones who stood in the windows of their homes, crouching or standing on something just to peer over the edge, they're the future that comes after you. Generation after generation, children are what push to progress the world.

You felt peace, thinking that even if your generation were to fail, the next one would just pick up where you left of. It was an optimistic way of viewing things. That's what it was you were going to fight for. You're fighting for a future, maybe one where children wouldn't have to pick up the slack, but they could advance it in a way you'd never even thought of.

You clutched your hand over your chest where your heart lay, it was a nice thought. If you fail, they'll continue. But if you fight and win, they won't have to, not like this. But they'd find another, more advanced way to continue. This win has to be for their future, so they can move forward in a way people like you could never think of. 

"This is it! THE DAY HAS COME FOR HUMANITY TO TAKE ANOTHER STEP FORWARDS! NOW LETS SHOW THOSE TITANS EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE MADE OF!"

Everyone let out a rally cheer, and held their swords to the sky.

The smile that plastered your face was so full of light, holding your blade to the sky with brilliant eyes that reeked of passion. Every drop of concern you had thrown it out the window, even if that unsettling feeling still sunk under your skin somewhere. 

As you stare at the metal that glistened with your reflection, you knew immediately that this was the moment your whole life was leading up to. This was where you got to prove your worth. 

Ah, how the sun had come out at the right time, as the gate opened.


	32. 32: The 57th Recon Mission Part 1

"IT'S OFFICIALLY BEGUN!"

Oh, how those words fit your circumstances, not quite known to you yet. 

"SCOUTS, MOVE OUT!"

*

It was a pure state of disarray. Houses crumbled, some even down to the ground, children's toys left out on the streets. It was as though they had never been moved, dropped the second fear broke out. Cursed to never be held again by a child. Single shoes laid on the ground in random places, a clear sign of being lifted off their feet, and dropping one right before their death.

The sight, it should not have been familiar to you. But it was, and you latched onto every detail as you rode by on your horse, unable to rip your eyes away from the terror that was once forced upon the people who used to live in this region. Though this wasn't Shinganshina, you can imagine the scenery there can only be worse. 

You have very few memories when it came to Shinganshina falling, only that you were in copious amounts of pain, crawling out of somewhere you couldn't recall, and a soldier who yanked you onto your feet. He carried you under his arm until he made it to a boat, leaving you and never returning. You found out later that soldiers name was Adam. 

His pocket watch bounced in your pocket as you rode along horseback with captain Ness and Eld. You felt like where you go, that watch had to follow. Adam died protecting the civilians of that district, you're alive because of him. It's the most you could do for that unknown man, one that Hannes seemed to be proud of. Through his last actions being alive, you wanted to honor him by doing the same thing. He was your savior. And you were bound to be someone else's, one could hope.

You had to rip your eyes away from everything around you with force, it hurt too much to imagine exactly how it came to be this way. Especially when you were looking upon anything that reminded you of children, that was the feeling that sunk into your heart far too deep. This is what war is, this is truly what it brings upon. 

The young, the old, sick, rich, poor, abled, crippled, smart, stupid, man and woman, war never discriminated. It just _took_.

War against the _titans_ , who seemed to be far too unforgiving of an enemy to wrap ones mind around. Given that because they don't seem to even have a reason for acting in the way they do. All they do is destroy lives, ruin families, and for what? Just because they can? You wonder if they even know the damage they cause. If they could process what they were doing, would they stop? Or would it just make them go harder. 

These thoughts were new as of late, only making you think like this since you found out you could turn _into_ one of those damn things.

But now isn't the time to get distracted by your thoughts, as the ride continues on and the groups start to separate out into other positions. 

"We've got a ten meter closing in to the left!" You heard Hange shout from the front, eyes trailing to the location she was mentioning to everyone. Your eyes locked onto a big ugly thing, had the face and hair of a man, while having a stomach that seemed bloated and large, hanging over it's waist. 

You were feeling a new sense of anger, that same feeling from earlier when Jean let you know how it was assumes Marco died. You couldn't take your eyes off it, even while your fingers gripped tightly around the reigns. You felt your finger nails digging into your skin from around the leather, only choosing to loosen up your grip when you felt warm blood softly bead up from a small part of your left palm. 

_No, I need to focus. I probably shouldn't hurt myself, even on accident. Who knows how this power works._

You looked down at your palm, watching as the wound closed itself slowly. Like the skin around the small puncture had just migrated over the hole, a single _blip_ of steam raising and dissipating once it hit your forehead. This was definitely a weird power to have, and now that you're aware of it you find yourself using it more easily. Back in your training days, you wouldn't even notice new cuts on yourself. Maybe that's because they healed before you got the chance to look at them, right? 

The sound of metal wires zipping above you caught your eyes, looking up and watching as members of the support squad flew through the air, blades brandished. They were going after that titan, and knocking it down with ease. You heard Hange yell something about wondering what was rolling around in that titans belly, and for a moment your brain came up with the worst things it could think of.

From where you rode, you heard Sasha squeal in a way that made her sound nervous, barely being able to see through the heads of those around you, you watched her section leader grab her by the top of her head and turn her eyesight forwards. You knew you had to do the same, it was everyone's job to keep moving. 

_Sasha, you got this. We all do._

Or was that something you were saying to yourself, to keep it all together?

Once everyone made it out into the open areas, the air even seemed more _fresh._

Jean, Armin, and everyone else who you could recognize slowly left your view as Erwin stuck his arm out and ordered the long range formation to go on as planned. But you couldn't help but enjoy the way that the crispness of the air filled your lungs. The grass was so green, wild flowers grew in certain sections of the layout. 

The sun was hidden behind the clouds again, but it poked its head out and casted golden rays every so often while the fluffy white mass would pass through it again and again. Birds flew past you above head, they chirped and honked at one another while they flew in their own formation. Just past all that chaos and destruction, the titans got to live in _this_.

While you followed Ness and Eld, Armin was up to your ten o'clock, just barely in your view. You felt good knowing that if anything happened to him, you'd probably be the first to know. A large chunk of the new recruits where ahead of him, scattered around. You knew your job was protection for the most part, and that was what you were going to do, if you had to. But, you were hoping it wouldn't have to come to that. 

While you rode, the distance seemed to be growing wider. Captain Ness told you that this was supposed to happen, and there was no reason to get so worried. You had to keep a cool head, but also stay alert the whole time. 

The birds you once thought were so interesting, envious of them for living so freely, became alarming. Every time one popped up and flew out of a tree, it scared you. The sudden sound would cause you to swivel your head in the direction of a crow, just for it to fly away. The air was tense, waiting for something to show itself. Sweat was starting to form on your scalp, under your hair. It was clear you were starting to become nervous. 

At this point you could hardly see Armin at all. Houses in this area were more or so bones of what was once family homes, they came far and few between. More houses, more lost memories and futures. You wished you could stop seeing what was left of peoples lives, imagining what their final moments would have been like. Apart of you wished that if the titans were going to take everything from the people, they might was well destroy what they leave left while they're at it. All it serves for is a brutal warning to just not interfere. 

You saw a couple red signals, but as the time passed, they started to dim down. Something felt wrong. 

_Black smoke._ A titan ignoring the outliers and making a direct stead for the center. 

You reached down into your holster, reaching for the flare, but Eld and Ness already beat you to the punch. You were about to turn back and say something, but the sounds of loud rumbling footsteps from _directly_ behind you was what made you shut your mouth. 

"You aren't to use your titan unless _absolutely_ necessary, break away and head to Arlert in the meantime. We'll catch up and have you return to your current position once we take out this abnormal. Eld, heads up! The napes all yours, okay? I'll go for the legs!" His white bandana remained fixed to the top of his head, but the ends of it flowed behind him in the wind. The abnormal titan stood at least ten meters tall, and walked with a weird stride. You didn't need to be told twice.

The abnormal titan seemed to be straight up refusing to acknowledge the existence of those around it, not even looking at you as you rode your horse between it's legs, right under it. _That was scary, holy shit._ You told yourself, not knowing exactly why you didn't just chose to go around it instead. You just wanted to get to Armin in the least amount of time possible. 

Pulling the green cloak hood up over your head, you found the blonde in your sights after a few minutes of riding forwards. Your horse galloped with intensity, your body jostled on top it's back with every heavy step. Gear rattling to your sides. 

"Armin! I was sectioned with you temporarily, how are things in your neck of the woods?" You said to him loudly, coming up from behind him to his left. You watched his shoulders jolt upwards in surprise as you yelled at him, turning his head sharply to see you.

"Y/n?! Don't just sneak up on me like that, especially when we're supposed to be watching for everything!" He yelled in your direction, causing you to bite back a laugh. Any normal day, you probably would have taken joy in giving the boy a slight spook. But, he was actually justified this time. You should have come up to him with a better approach. 

"Ah, I'm sorry! Captain Ness told me to break away until the abnormal was dealt with. From the sounds of it, I might be going back soon." You replied, hearing the sound of a massive titan body hitting the ground from where they were at. 

"But listen, if things _don't_ go according to plan? Come find me. I'm sure the two of us can get a handle on where the new recruits are. Don't worry about that meaning you would have to disobey orders, it's my job to keep you guys safe, okay? I'd just feel a lot better about it if I had your brain to help me out." You said to him in a serious tone, trying to get a handle on things. If you were to really have to use your titan, having Armin around to be your brain behind the brawn would be helpful. Sure, you're probably nowhere as strong as Eren is. But you know that your titan does have some strength in it somewhere. The agility and speed make up for that, though. 

Hey, at least Armin has a second horse. That can be useful later, right?

Your critical thinking skills being able to control your titan, and Armin's ability to plan out long term in the matter of moments? Communication was key, and you had to start it now. Armin looked unsure, but after a few moments he gave you a stern nod.

"Got it. If anything happens, I'll come find you." You stuck out your fist to Armin, leaving one of your hands on the reigns of the leather. Slowly, but with confidence, Armin stuck out his own fist and collided it with yours. 

"Woah, way to go! Nicely done, Ness!" Armin shouted, once he realized what had just happened after you and him finished the conversation you were having on horseback. You looked over and saw Dita Ness waving for you to return back now that the abnormal was dealt with, so you left Armin with one more thing.

"Again, if anything happens?" You asked him with a raised eyebrow.

"I'll come find you." He said, with a friendly smile on his face.

"Good. Stay safe out there." 

"You too."

_Thank you for letting me help, Armin. If it were Eren, he probably would have fought against me, and told me to focus on the mission. Well, to me? The safety of your lives is my mission. I'll stand between you all and death if I must._

You rode with your two keepers for a decent amount of time, but it was cut short when another pair of stomping foot steps sounded off from well behind. This time, they seemed heavier, and like they were coming faster. It felt more terrifying, this time. 

"Not again, seriously?" Ness said, voice loud and irritated. "You gotta break away again, kid. It's another abnormal. What in the hell are the right wing spotters doing back there?!" Eld said something, but you couldn't focus as the said abnormal was slowly starting to come into your eyesight. Weirdly enough, it didn't seem like it had skin all around it like other normal titans did. You couldn't really get a good look at it from this distance, other than the red tones of muscle that laced with the pink tones of skin and tendon.

There was something weird about it's figure, though. Normally, most titans have distorted body proportions, it was odd seeing one from this far look almost exactly like that of a woman. Almost every single titan you'd seen so far, and in books, looked like a man. Even if some had women like faces, and hair. Never really the body of a full adult woman. 

"Right. I'll head back to Armin." You said, pushing forwards on your horse, no matter how weird the situation seemed to be. That gross unnerving feeling in your gut came back, as you rode on ahead.

You reached into the pocket of your brown scouts jacket, pulling out the pocket watch to get a good idea on what time it was. When you pulled it out, you opened it only to realize the second hand had stopped moving completely. You were about halfway the distance between your captain and Armin, with a titan behind those who were supposed to keep their eye on you.

But you couldn't look away from the pocket watch, as it had now stopped being able to tell you what time it was. You didn't drop it or anything, and it was working well before the mission had started. But for some reason, it had just broke? When could it have broken? You thought to yourself, looking for just a bit longer, as if trying to make the arms move just by the thought alone. Nothing happened, and it didn't budge. It stayed stuck on 2:47 pm. 

Jamming it in your pocket, deciding you would probably tinker with it later to try and see what the problem was, you got up to Armin.

"Another abnormal?" Armin asked, you gave him a nod, and he seemed to be in deep thought. None the less he pulled out a round, and was about to fire off a black signal. But the both of you froze for a second upon actually seeing the abnormal that your captain sent you away from.

"A-Armin..." You mumbled, pulling out your own flare, loading in a black shell without even looking, just going off based by memory from where they were placed. That titan, it looked like a _woman_ , it _wasn't_ just your imagination. You sat there on the back of your horse with a slacked jaw and wide eyes, the two of you both firing off a shell of black smoke at the exact same time.

"It's moving so fast?!" Armin's voice fell short of his sentence, you could see the shadow being cast on his forehead from his hair as it fell forwards. It's true, that thing was moving so _fast_. It had shoulder length blonde hair, and the strands bounced with vigilance as the woman looking titan ran _violently_ towards your captain, only to pass him. 

"Armin, If that thing passes us, _I think I have to use my titan..."_ you mumbled out, mostly to yourself. Unsure of what you would even do in that situation, but this titan running past your captain was so goddamn fast, and it ran with a goal in mind, you could just tell. It had stone _cold_ eyes, you thought that they reminded you of the eyes of a killer. There was just something so deep in them that didn't seem like any other titan you'd seen. 

You watched that thing swat a soldier down with a single swoop. 

You and Armin shared the same look of horror, as it killed Ness next. 

Almost as if it were a _person_ inside that thing, acting in cold blooded _murder,_ not driven by an insatiable desire to _feast_.


	33. 33: The 57th Recon Mission Part 2

"Why isn't it working?!" You shouted, as blood dripped down your lips. " _This isn't the fucking time_ for this shit not to work!" You continued, taking your thumb into your mouth and biting down as hard as you could, blood squirting out as you hit a soft spot, a drop splattering across through the air, landing on Armin's cheek. You were _so_ confused, and with every bite it took? Nothing happened, you didn't change into a titan.

"Goddamn it, WHY?!" You yelled, _is it because I'm not hurting myself enough? But this is how Eren does it, right?!_

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes as you took the pinky on your right hand, and wrapping it inside of your left. You were preparing yourself for what you were about to do.

"Armin, _look away."_

You let out one, calm breath, before pulling it _all_ the way back. The initial pain ripped through your whole body, you had never done something like this before, so you were unsure of how far you _should_ go, or how far you _shouldn't_ go. But biting your hand didn't seem to cut it, for some reason. 

So you snapped your pinky back. As far as it could go, and then pushing even _more_. The nerves all the way in your wrist burned, your pinky nail connecting with the back of your hand as you forced it down, snapping it at the first knuckle, breaking _bone_. It hurt so fucking bad, tendons from inside your hand ripped as you did the action. Every muscle that tore, you felt all of it.

The pinky dangled from a single string of flesh, and you gripped it at it's base and ripped it apart, throwing it on the ground below you.

You let out a blood curdling scream _full_ of pain, blood dripping down your entire arm at this point. Exposed bone splintering at the very end of where your pinky _used_ to be. You weren't sobbing out and crying, but the tears and screams filled the air enough. If not for this female abnormal titan to be standing exactly still right now, Armin was sure that the two of you would have been long dead.

"You can't turn into a titan right now?!" Armin asked, fear ripping in every sound his voice made. He couldn't believe what he just saw you do, sure you told him to look away, but he didn't.

"N-No, _fuck_ I thought the more I hurt myself the easier it would be, I don't know why it-it isn't working?!" You cried out, voice shaking. You slammed the nub where your pinky once was along the barrel of the flare, causing another cracking sound as you shoved the splinters of bone into the rest of your hand. It just hurt more, and _nothing_ was coming out of it. 

You had used so much force with the initial bend, that it caused a bone in your wrist to snap as well, breaking up through the skin under your hand. Too much blood was starting to stream out of the opening on your wrist, from the exposed bone that pierced through the skin. You didn't mean to do _that_ , you just meant to snap your pinky off.

_IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS-_

"Y/N we have to _GO!"_ Armin shouted at you, and through the tears you were able to set yourself straight, wrapping the leather reign of the horse around your wrist on your now broken right hand, and grabbing it firmly with your left. Everything about this was terrifying, the woman abnormal that had started chasing after you and Armin, the massive stream of blood that just continued to run down your arm? All of it, everything was an absolute nightmare. You were in so much pain, but you had to continue forwards. 

_I couldn't even use my titan when I was supposed to?! How am I supposed to fucking protect everyone if it doesn't even work?! Why couldn't I do it? I tore my fucking hand apart trying to get it to work, what the hell?!_

You let out a groan of pain when the horse ran over a rock, the leather around your right wrist only making the injury you gave yourself hurt more, but not once did it _heal_. 

"Armin, it hurts so _bad._ " You _whimpered_ , breathing heavily.

"We're not dealing with an abnormal, that thing is showing intelligence!" Armin shouted to you, not taking his eyes off the terrain his horse raced upon. His hair flowed behind him, and you made your horse speed up by kicking one of your heels into the side of it. It got up right next to Armin, who looked over at you when you appeared next to him on his left.

"It's just like you, Eren, and the colossal! Y/n, that's a human being wrapped up in a titan body!" Armin shouted, eyes filled to the brim of uncertainty. The pain in your body starting at your hand was starting to turn into a numb hot feeling, and Armin looked over at you once again, only to see your head struggling to stay upright, and your eyes fluttering closed every few seconds.

"You're losing too much blood from the wound you made, Y/n you can't afford to stop right now!" He yelled to you, reaching his hand out to try and touch your shoulder, but he missed. It was clear you looked like you were about to pass out, and on top of that? You were leaving a long, heavy trail of blood behind the two of them that really put into perspective how much you just lost.

You were on the brink of consciousness, pushing yourself as hard as you could, knowing that without your control, this horse would simply just kick you off. 

"I probably...shouldn't have done that...right?" You managed to mutter out, eyes feeling heavy. the horse tugging on your reigns didn't make it easier, as she had started to run closer to Armin's horse with the lack of your control. 

"Sorry I...couldn't protect-" your horse was coming dangerously close to passing the path of Armins, if you weren't about to pull the reign in the correct direction soon, you were going to end up causing her to run straight past him in the wrong direction. 

"Y/n, don't talk like that, just stay awake!" He realized how close you were, if he could just reach over and yank you out of your saddle, he cold do it. You guys were both riding shoulder to shoulder, but the weight of your gear makes that impossible.

"Ditch the gear!" Armin shouted, tightening the reigns of his horse on the right side, enough to steer it straight while letting his other hand go and stretch to you. You, with lazy movements, moved your left hand off of the reigns, and undid the gear. Armin let go of his second horse, hoping that it would have a chance, and help the two of you if he wasn't so busy keeping it safe. 

"You're gonna have to jump, I can't do this if you aren't trying either!"

As soon as your gear hit the ground, your horse ran straight ahead of Armin's, before crossing it's path, he wrapped his one free arm around your waist, and you launched yourself off your horse. He pulled you with everything he had left in his body to his horse. He scooted back on his saddle, trying to pull you up from the side.

You stuck your foot in the opening below his saddle after he took his out, making it easier for him to pull you up. This was the hardest physical task Armin thinks he's had to do in his _entire_ life, but the moment he got you slumped in front of him, he slid back all the way behind his saddle, and let you sit in it instead. He held the reigns from around your body, this was probably one of the most _unsafe_ ways to ride a horse, he thought to himself. There was no way he was going to get you on safely, or behind him for that matter. If he was going to steer, he needed to be in front. 

He wrapped the leather around his wrists a couple times, and then slid his arms under your own from behind. You needed to be his eyes, but for all he knew you couldn't even keep them open. He kept almost losing his balance from not being able to hold onto you and the reigns at the same time, a couple instances made him think he was about to fall of his horse. 

"Hey, if you're still awake up there, rip off apart of your cloak and wrap your hand up in it, stop the bleeding." Armin tried to be brave for you in this moment, and he knew that since you kept losing blood, it was unlikely you were able to heal your wound in this moment. you head bobbed up and down with every gallop the horse took. He was glad you had the foresight to tie your hair up, it would probably be smacking him in the face right now if it weren't. 

He watched as you did what he told you to do, but with barely any strength. So, you weren't dead, that's a good sign. 

"What am I gonna do now?! I'm dead...I'm so dead. Y/n's gonna die too if I don't do anything." Armin was muttering to himself frantically, trying to keep his balance but also his grip on you, and the reigns. He was juggling far too much in this moment, and even worse? The horse he had just let go was stomped on by the unknown titan shifter. 

_She said she was going to protect us all, and now I have to keep her safe?! Please wake up, please do something. I'm not strong like you, or Eren. I don't know how much longer I can keep holding on, Y/n!_

Armin's thoughts ran aggressive through his mind, while this titan had made it's way right above the two of you, staring downwards. He tilted his head upright, gripping you in his arms even harder than before. He had let go of the reigns at this point, just wrapping his arms around you. The titan had it's foot placed in the air right above the two of you, even while your head was pointed downwards, you couldn't see any of this.

You just felt Armin's hands link together around your gut, pulling you closer to him. Your back was pressed flat against his chest, and not once did his grip loosen up. This titan was about to stomp on the two of you, and turn you both into a paste on the ground. 

_There's nothing we can do?! Y/n and I are about to die like this... and all I can do is hold her close, maybe I could take most of the crush if I lean forwards over her body, it won't hurt her as bad if I do that, right?! Now would be a real good time to turn into a titan, Y/n!_

Armin thought back to that day you and him had spoken, when you said that Eren and Mikasa would always have each other. Armin and you came to an understanding that no matter what, the two of you would also have each other. Eren and Mikasa were their own separate entity of emotions. Armin thought that it was a _sick twist_ of fates judgment that the two of you would die together like this, having sworn to protect one another, yet being unable to do it. If his final moments were a bitter stab on the words the two of you shared, then so fucking be it. 

He thought about the pinky promise you both made, and cringed when he remembered the way your bones and flesh sounded when you tore it off. The same finger, too. Everything just felt so hopeless. _But I don't wanna die, and I don't want her to die either!_

He closed his eyes, bracing for the impact.

But the titan above stomped her foot right in front of his horse, not on top of it.

You were both flown off the horse in the same direction, Armin kept his arms wrapped around you the entire time, pulling you on top of his body when he collided with the ground. Your hips went flying into his own, slamming him down with a harder push than gravity would have given him if he were alone on the horse. 

The female looking titan stopped at a stoop, right before Armin. He kept his grip on your body as if his life deepened on it, because he had the feeling that your life depended on _him_ right now. Both of you had the hoods on your cloaks up.

The titan slowly brought her hand up above his head, gently wrapping white bone like fingers on the fabric of his cloak, and bringing up his hood. He sat there, shocked, with you in his arms. It didn't pick him up, and it didn't try to kill him. It just stared down at him, with cold blue eyes. Blonde hair swung in front of her face, looking down on his features as she stared him down.

He was frozen. Even as the titan made its way with its fingers to the hood of your cape. He watched as it pulled off the fabric from your head, and something in its eyes seemed to change the moment it looked over your face, as if it had found something.

The titan then tugged on your cloak, trying to pull you out of his grasp.

"No..." Armin mumbled, realizing what was about to happen. His grip around your body grew tighter as he pulled you close. Your head fell limp forwards, you were completely unaware of what was happening, barely awake. All you could hear was soft breathing, and Armin's body moving as he grabbed you closer.

That didn't stop this female titan from prying you out of Armin's hands. No matter how hard he held onto you, no matter how tight his grip was, eventually he was forced to let go. He couldn't compete with the strength of a titan, but it was being so _gentle,_ for some reason. 

His body was pulled along with you before he let go, unable to hold on any longer than he did. His eyes were stinging with tears, fearing what was about to happen. 

"Y/N DO SOMETHING, SHE'S ABOUT TO KILL YOU!" Unsure of this titan's intentions, he screamed and shouted from where he kneeled on the ground, after his arms could no longer reach for you.

The female titan stood all the way up, dangling your limp body in the air well above his head. She held you like a ragdoll that some child had just gotten bored playing with, but her eyes inspected every inch of your body.

Blood from your arm dripped down, sending a couple drops onto Armin's forehead.

_Is this how Eren felt...when he said he had to watch his mother die?_

The fear ripped through Armin's body, while the female titan slowly lifted you to her mouth. Armin watched you kick out your leg ever so suddenly, as if you had just woken up from a dream that you were having for far too long. But it seemed to be too late for you, the female titan had already lifted your body well up into the air above her head, at any second now she would drop you into her open mouth.

"Y/N, TURN INTO A TITAN! SCREAM, DO ANYTHING, DO SOMETHING, PLEASE?!" 

It was as if Armin's words had made it to you, because the next thing that happened _shook the ground he kneeled upon._

He watched as a volt of gold and green lightning seemed to come straight from the sky, and directly to you. Or, had it gone _to_ the sky, directly _from_ you? The air felt like it was pulling up the hair on the back of his neck, a dull green over casted his eyesight and kept him from seeing what happened next.

But he heard it. He heard _you_. A loud, animalistic shrieking sound, the same one he heard come from your beast like titan back in Trost. It was heavy, it was throaty. That was the sound of an _animal_ fighting to LIVE. 

_She actually did it!?_


	34. 34: The 57th Recon Mission Part 3

bear with me here, I'm not the best at writing fight scenes, let alone titan fighting scenes. 

* * *

Armin watched in straight up horror, glad that you were on the side he was on. Because if not? That's an enemy he didn't want any part in having to take down someday. You were a _beast_ , an _animal_.

He watched the giant ape like creature, the current form you took, grab the female titan from the back of her scalp, a bundle of her blonde hair in your massive hands. Your massive body was sent hurling to the ground, and once your feet made contact, you ripped her by her hair down _with_ you. The sudden height you were being held at when she lifted you before her mouth was your biggest advantage, as it gave you all the force you needed for an attack like that. 

He watched your titan materialize out of _thin_ air, and within the next _second_ you had managed to yank the female titan down _with you_. You were obviously smaller than it, coming in at nine meters tall if you stood on two legs. 

The female titan laid out on the ground before you, letting go of her hair, to ball up your fists. You raised two abnormally long, hairy arms into the air with your hands clasped together like that. Armin witnessed you bring your fists down with an insane amount of force behind it, sending a whoosh of air right past his face as you broke through.

She turned her head at the right moment, instead sending your fists into the ground. Armin grabbed hold of the grass below him, gripping his hands into the dirt as another gust of wind was sent right over him. _Is she trying to kill the female titan?!_ Armin thought to himself, seeing the absolute _state_ of you.

You were _violent._ He's never seen you like this, to be fair you are in the neck of a titan right now, but still. The way you moved, it was so _unhinged_. He was starting to worry if you were about to lose control, or if you already had lost it. Every swing you made seemed to not even have a thought behind it, acting on impulse. At one point you had grabbed her ankle and yanked her down into the ground, taking a solid kick to the face from her as she retaliated against your hold. You had latched your sharp claws into her leg, making it so she couldn't get away from you.

Armin realized after she kicked you _again,_ that if you kept going like this, you might not be able to stop. You had taken two rough blows to the face, and he could see raw flesh start to steam out from the left side of your titans head. 

The female titan was no longer fighting back, simply trying to get away. It was like it had decided that you weren't worth the fight, and that it needed to move on without you at this point. It was more than capable of taking you out, Armin could see that clearly. So, if it was trying to get away, that meant you weren't the only target that it had. 

"Y/n, let it go!" Armin shouted from the ground, still having his hands buried in the dirt for support. There was another issue at play here, he didn't know how long he could stay out in the open like this. This was still titan territory, and for all he knew, the fight between you and the female titan could just be drawing more attention.

You didn't seem to stop, though. 

You had scaled up the top of the titans body, gripping into her arms and torso as you climbed over her on all fours. Armin could tell that this point that it might not be you controlling the titan anymore, and that maybe the titan was just controlling you. 

He stood up where he once kneeled, and made sure that his ODM gear was fit the way it should, because he was about to use it.

He watched as you _roared_ in the face of the female, spit and drool cascading out of your mouth between razor sharp teeth. She kept her arms behind her head, covering the nape of her neck. You had started raising your fists together up in the air again, getting ready for another pounding attack, but she just wrapped her legs around your shoulders and threw you to the ground besides her. 

"Y/N!" Armin shouted, shooting his hooks into your side from his distance, pressing on the gas from his canisters, sending his body flying to you. Once he made it, he unhooked his spikes from your ribcage area, and used the fur on your body to climb over you on your back as you slowly sat up. The female titan had taken notice that you weren't moving, and she had done enough damage to your head to get away in the time it took for you to sit up. She was left nearly untouched, but you were the one with half your skull crunched to a pulp. One of the eyes of your titan even hung out of the socket by a tendon, just barely holding on.

Once you made it on all fours, he shot both his hooks into your shoulders, and made his way to the nape of your neck.

"I really don't wanna have to cut you out of there, we might need to use your titan later." Armin said loudly, hoping his words would reach you. You stopped still, your titan unmoving while Armin stayed dead center where he was.

"Is that you in there, do you have control over things? Give me a sign if you are." Armin said, looking around to see if there were any titans that were coming near. None so far, but he waited for you to give any kind of response.

Steam _billowed_ up in front of his face, causing him to have to unhook his spikes and fall back. The heat was so much, but it came from your nape. He hit the ground with a hard thud, his gear hurting him in the process. The giant ape form that you took had slumped forwards on the ground, shoving it's skull into the dirt before it. 

He looked up and saw the top half of your body hanging limp out of the nape, while your arms tried to desperately pull and tug on your legs to get them out. After a good hard pull, you had managed to rip yourself out of your titan form, and do the same as Armin had done, and fall backwards out of it.

He had about a second to react, rolling over to the side. He didn't know if he could take another physical hit like that again, it was bad enough you had fallen on top of him earlier when his horse kicked the two of you off. This time you were gonna take the fall, he thinks he's done his fair share of taking a beating from you, even if it was on accident. 

Your back hit the ground right next to him, you coughed out a heavy gag as the air was ripped from your lungs. Back arching in pain from the impact, you turned your head to the side and faced Armin. Deep red lines trailed down from your eyes down your cheeks, going all the way past your chin. Titan markings. 

"A-are you okay?" He couldn't believe the first words out of your mouth were about _him_. You had sweat running down your forehead, your body was radiating heat like a fire during the middle of summer. You were in such a disastrously unkept state, hair no longer tied up, clothes soaking in some kind of unknown wet substance. 

"Y-Yeah...I was really worried about you for a moment there. I wasn't sure if it was you or not in that thing." Armin stood up, reaching his hand out to grab yours. You just laid there for a moment on your back, letting one of your arms fold over your stomach as you caught your breath. 

"Definitely me. Sorry if I got a little carried away, I just couldn't stop thinking about what would happen to you if she took me out first. Guess I got a little emotional, huh?" You looked up at his hand and took it, noticing him wince when the sheer amount of heat from your skin touched his. 

When you stood up, you had to keep your distance. Just standing close to you was a bit of an issue until your body cooled off, and you were starting to feel like something was coming up out of the back of your throat.

_That's right, I get sick every time I use my titan._

"We can't stay here for too long, we have to go find someone. Are you sure you're okay? You look a little pale." Armin took note of your body, you came out looking a little smaller than when you went in. You cheeks were hollowed just slightly, and he's beginning to think that sweat on you wasn't just from the heat of your titan. 

"Yeah, I'm good. Probably best to keep your distance at the moment." You said, taking another step back away from Armin. It sucked, really. But you kept trying to ignore the sick feeling that was twisting up your insides while you stood there.

"That titan, it doesn't make sense. It pulled back my hood and ignored me, but after it pulled back yours, it picked you up. The only difference between us is that you're a titan, and I'm not. She chose you to try and eat, but not me. Why would it need to check our faces?" Armin seemed like he was now talking to himself, placing his thumb under his chin. 

"And on top of that, she didn't try to eat anyone else we saw. She just killed them, but she tried to _eat_ you? What happened up there, anyways? Why did you suddenly change into a titan?" Armin looked at you once again, and all you could do was look back to the ground.

"I think it's because I was too scared back there when I broke my hand. I don't think the way I hurt myself matters, so much as the reason behind it. I didn't think I was ready to use my titan yet, but when I heard you screaming at me from down there, I knew that I didn't have a choice. Back then, I thought we still had another option, maybe. Even though I was panicking like I was." You lifted up your right hand, showing him that your finger had grown back, and your wrist was in one piece again.

So now you knew that you'd never have to go that far, good. You weren't exactly too keen on breaking your pinky again like that. Definitely the most pain you've ever felt in your entire life, that you're aware of. 

"Nothing to worry about anymore, I'm really light headed though. But you're right, I don't know why she wanted to _eat_ me. Maybe she just wanted to hold me in her mouth or something?" You waved your hand in his face, wiggling your fingers too. He rolled his eyes at you, as if now was the time to be taking things so light heartedly? He'd smack your hand down if it wasn't steaming from the heat your body held.

You remembered the year before you graduated, _Annie came after you._ She slid her sword under your chin and made you bleed, and only stopped when the steam raised.

But she also said that the two of you needed to _talk_ about some things? What the hell was there to talk about, and she never even made a second attempt at speaking to you, after that. 

Armin noticed the look on your face, like a light bulb had just lit up above your head.

"Y/n, what are you thinking about?"

_I kept this secret for way too goddamn long._

"During our training in the woods with those mock titans, do you remember that? Well, one time _An-"_

"Armin, Y/n!" Both of you turned your heads to the sound of the voice, in the distance you could see blonde hair and two horses coming your way. That was Reiner, he must have seen the both of you, _thank god._

"Reiner?!" You shouted, eyes full and wide. You never thought you'd be so happy to see him. It'd been way too long since the two of you even shared a word. Now was clearly not the time to catch up, but it felt nice to see him again, strangely enough. After all, he and Bertholtd had come to talk to you when nobody else did a couple of times. When Reiner came alone to speak with you, he always let you go on about yourself. He helped everyone here out from time to time, always acting like everyone's older brother. You two might not be close, but you have a mutual shared respect for one another, that much was obvious. 

"I'll tell you later, best to keep it between us." You whispered to Armin right before Reiner showed up, not sure who you could tell this too considering you kept it to yourself for so long. But Armin was definitely going to know by the end of today, that much was obvious. You're tired of keeping what happened between you and Annie to yourself. But you have a feeling something like that should only be told to certain people. You didn't consider Reiner close enough to know about it.

Before Armin could respond, Reiner showed up and pulled his horse behind him around you both.

"Woah, holy shit that fugly thing is _you?"_ Reiner pointed to the carcass of your steaming titan not to far off from where you and Armin stood. "I mean, I know I've already seen it but damn, it's weirder up close." There was a look in Reiner's eyes that you managed to catch, one that faded just as quickly as it came.

 _Maybe he's just worried about us?_ You thought, trying to explain the look he had when he saw your titan. 

"Yeah, well who else could it be? It definitely wasn't _Armin,_ and it's not like there's another beast titan out there. As far as we know, I'm the only one." You said, watching as Armin made his way to the horse. You shook your limbs out, letting all the stress and tension out as you stretched your legs. You weren't feeling nearly as sick as you would normally, maybe because you weren't in your titan for too long? But you were definitely weren't cooling off by too much. 

"Is that what you're calling it, the beast titan?" Reiner asked, looking down at you with a questionable look. It was like he was trying hard not to laugh at you for something you had just said. Maybe he was gonna make a joke that everyone else had already probably thought of, calling you the monkey titan inside their heads or something. 

"Well calling myself a Goliath seems a little arrogant, right?" Not sure why you had always grown such an attachment to that word, it just made sense. In your own head, you wanted to call it that at least. Not sure why, but it just felt fitting, right? A _Goliath_ , that's what you wanted to be. A Goliath was a beast, but one that everyone could consider a hero. You wanted nothing more than to embody that entire idea. A monstrous beast, one that fought for humanity. 

"Can you both ride, this is full blown titan country. We can't stay here any longer than we already have. Neither of you can be without a horse right now. I shouldn't have talked for so long, for all we know more titans are coming here." Reiner was quick to change the subject, a little too quick. But he had a solid point, so that justified it. 

"Armin can, I don't think I can ride with him. I came out of the my titan too hot, I think I already burned him earlier when he was right at my nape. The steam was _too_ hot, I don't think it's a good idea for me to be around him until I've cooled off, I don't wanna risk making things worse." You said, watching as Armin got on the back of the horse.

"That's fine, I can take it. Get on behind me, once you've cooled off enough you can get on Armin's horse. I don't think mine could take my weight plus yours for a long period of time, so eventually you'll have to ride with him." Reiner gestured to Armin, but you walked forward to Reiner on his horse with caution.

"Are you sure? I'm literally steaming still." You placed a hand up to the back of his, pressing your palm on top of the back of his own. He winced for a moment, but still he nodded. 

"Yeah, I said I can take it. Just don't push yourself against me consistently. I'm more than happy to help you out and switch off. You'd do the same for me, right?" He asked, extending his hand to you, knowing it would burn if you took it.

"Of course I would." You took his hand, and he pulled you up with a good amount of force. You swung your leg over the back of the horse, not even having thought about the kind of pain the horse would endure with you being on it's back like this. _God this is so horrible, I'm so sorry. I feel like such a terrible person for making you do this._ You thought about the horse, grimacing as it became physically uncomfortable under you. Something about hurting animals really just upset you, like any normal person obviously. 

"Thanks, Reiner." You said into his ear from behind him, but keeping your chest away from his back. You held onto the sides of the horse, refraining from wrapping your arms around him to keep your steady. 

"Anytime, Y/n. Seriously, if you ever need help with anything, I'm your man." Armin was riding off towards the female titan, in the direction he had seen it go. Reiner followed behind closely, but enough to keep his words from reaching Armin.

"I'll be sure to remember that. Same goes for you, you really saved our asses back there. Again, I'm sorry if I'm burning you. I'll try to make it stop, but honestly? I don't know if I can." You said to him, a sorry look on your face that you knew he couldn't see.

"It's fine, I don't take it personally. It's not like you're trying to actively hurt me, right? Just glad you're in one piece, that's all." Reiner steered the horse directly behind Armin, following him.

His choice of words seemed odd to you. What about Armin? He seemed so focused on you in the moment. Reiner always has taken a weird interest in you throughout the years, but you just assumed that's how he was. You never thought about it until now, when he was being so particular about your own safety. 

"Well, Armin's okay too thank god. I had to fight that damn thing as a titan, I'm clearly no match for it. It's got pretty hair though, but it's so easy to pull. Vanity and titans clearly don't go along." You joked, trying to light up the tension regardless of the weird questions you had rolling around in the back of your head.

Reiner had caught up to Armin, now riding besides him.

"Has a nice lookin' ass, too. Ever seen an abnormal with a rack like that?" You gasped once you heard him talk like that, picking up your hand and smacking him upside the head. Did he not just hear you say you had to fight that thing?! 

"You're such a pervert, god. That's a _titan,_ Reiner! I can't even begin to explain to you how fucked up that is, if you don't even understand it yourself." You snapped from behind him, all the different kinds of ways that was gross, and you didn't even have it in you to explain to him how wrong that statement was. 

"That's not an abnormal, it's a person controlling a titan. Y/n and I already went over this, but you should know too." Armin said, stopping the bickering that he felt was about to happen between the two of you. 

"Wait, what?" Reiner seemed surprised, reasonably so. He turned his head, taking his eyes off the grounds before him. You watched forwards, making sure nothing was in the way while he talked to Armin.

"I'll explain in a second, we need to fire off a signal to warn the others." Armin said, getting out his flare gun, but struggling with his hands. 

"Work, you piece of garbage! This is an emergency!" Armin muttered, frustrated with the equipment he was given. Any other time, you'd probably laugh at Armin for the faces he was making. The way his voice sounded when he was irritated was something you didn't get to hear often.

Although, a shot rang from behind the three of you instead.

"Hey, its alright. Look's like Jeans got you covered." Reiner said as the person from behind you all came into distance. You were excited to see Jean's face, now with the four of you together, everything felt much better. If you had to use your titan again, this would be a pretty good solid crew for back up if you needed it. Two top ten ranked soldiers, and Armin's brain? That's an actual score on your part if you were forced into another fight with that female titan again. 

The four of you heard more shots off to the right, looking into the sky as yellow smoke filled the air.

"That's not good..." You mumbled, unaware of the fact that your arms had lapped around Reiner's waist as the time went by, your body became a little uneasy just holding onto the sides, you felt like you were going to fall. But Reiner seemed to do a good job of ignoring the heat your body was putting off, that or he just kept his mouth quiet about the entire time out of respect for you. The horse, however, you were worried. 

"The right wing has suffered too many casualties to continue." Reiner said, matter of factly. But his voice held a tone of concern. 

"Yeah, apparently most of them were wiped out by a titan ambush. I don't know how it happened, but it was bad. Sonsa' bitches were lightning fast. The spotters didn't have time to react, whoever's left is trying to hold them off, but that means now there's nobody on lookout duty. Talk about a set back, right?" Jean caught your eyes as he spoke, the moment he looked at you a sense of concern seemed to drop from his eyes in a specific regard. But he kept the worried look about the circumstances, though. 

"I saw your titan back there, did you have to use it or something? The head was bashed in, everything okay?" It was clear that Jean was trying to not be so obvious about his concern for you, but it was hard to hide. 

"Yeah, I'm fine. There's another titan that's like me and Eren roaming around with us right now. She caught up to us and I had to fight back or else Armin and I were gonna die." You said, keeping your arms around Reiner's waist. It was starting to get a little concerning to you how much he kept the burning feeling to himself, surely at this point he would have something to say about it, right? He didn't have to go this far to spare your feelings on the matter. 

"Wait, she came from that direction." Armin said, as if realizing something,

"Does that mean, could she have lead the titans here like a commander?" He was alarmed at the thought of it, and for good reason too. 

"Who, her? Why the hell is she running from us, is that the titan that Y/n had to fight off?" Jean was starting to get a little worried, you could hear it in his voice.

"What Y/n said was true, not sure how or why, but she has the same power that the both of them seem to have." Armin repeated your earlier sentiment, it seemed as though Jean hadn't actually taken you seriously when you said it earlier.

"Please say you're joking." Jean let up, sweat visibly dripping from his temple.

"What makes you think that?" Reiner asked, speaking up on the topic now. You felt him tense in your arms, reminding you that you had been holding on far too tight at this point. You loosened your grip, and leaned back a little bit. 

"Titans eat _people_ , but they're not murderers. Sure, they kill us in the process, but that's not their intent. They just feed on instinct like any creature. This one was different, when the others went for her nape, she struck them down in cold blood. Swatted them like flies. She didn't eat them, she killed them! But when she managed to get ahold of Y/n, she lifted her up in the air and tried to swallow her whole. She chose to make an attempt at either consuming her, or keeping her in the mouth. And Y/n isn't a normal human, she's a titan. It would make sense why she didn't eat regular people, but attempted to possibly eat Y/n." Armin's words caught Jean by surprise, you could hear him choke back on his spit from where you rode with Reiner.

"That bitch tried to eat Y/n? Are you serious right now? Why the hell are we following her, then!?" Jean was loud in his concerns, you looked over at him with an unsaid apology in your eyes. It seems yet again that Jean was made to worry about your safety. This time he didn't even know about it until it would have been far too late. 

"The titans that took out the right wing, I think she brought them here," Armin continued on with his thoughts, not wanting to be in the middle of another heated conversation between you and Jean. Now wasn't the time, now was quite literally the _worst_ time. 

"Just like the colossal and the armored when they struck. I just know it, she has it in for us." Armin spoke with conviction, this wasn't a thought, no this was a fact. There was nothing anybody could say to try and convince him otherwise. You could feel Reiner tense up again, another reminder that maybe your arms had gotten too tight as the time went by. You didn't even realize it, but you weren't nearly as close to him as you were last time he tensed up.

"Or perhaps more specifically, she's looking for someone. She must of had a reason for trying to eat Y/n, so she's definitely going after particular people. At which point the question becomes _who else, and why."_ Armin paused, thinking more about it.

"Oh my god. She's after Eren, isn't she? If the reason she tried to snag me and not the other people, is because I'm not just a human, wouldn't it make sense if she would go for the only other person who wasn't fully a human either?" You asked loudly from over Reiner's shoulder, getting a firm nod from Armin.

"See, that's exactly what I was thinking too. I think the only reason she let you get away was because you were putting up a fight. If she's a person in there, she might be thinking of ways to get you at a later time when you aren't so driven to take her out." Armin had just confirmed your worst fears. You were worried that thing was gonna turn around and snag you at any given time, and now that he's said it out loud? New fear unlocked. You weren't sure if you could go through that again, she really kicked the hell out of your face. 

"Eren? He's with Levi squad, they're spearheading the right wing." Reiner said, causing you to grow a confused look on your face. How did he know where Eren was? You weren't even told about it.

"Wait, Levi's team? I'm pretty sure you're wrong there, big guy. My copy of the plan had them in the left wing." Jean said in response, making you snap your head back over to him this time. What the actual hell?

"That's odd, because my copy of the plan had them at the front of the right wing too. Now that I think about it, it doesn't make sense. Putting them in the vanguard like that wouldn't be smart strategically speaking." Armin clarified.

"Wait, you guys were told where Eren was? I was left completely in the dark about it." You declared, not exactly sure why everybody else even got a hint of an idea where Eren might be. It seemed so utterly confusing to you. You had no idea what the hell was going on in this moment.

"So, where do you think Eren really is?" Reiner asked, leaning forwards on his horse. The scenery seemed to be going by too fast for you to catch a good look on, but it didn't matter in the long run, right? 

"Where else do you think he'd be? The safest position long range formation would probably be rear of the center rank I assume-"

"Armin! Now isn't the time to be chasing our own tails about this. We have to get word out about how dangerous the situation just became. Smoke signals aren't gonna cut it, who knows how many people she's already killed? At this rate, she'll cut down the command squad, if we let that happen the formation will go to hell and we'll all die." Jean was irritated with the fact that you all spent so much time speculating, and not enough action. 

"You got a plan?" Reiner asked Jean, looking over at him. Once again, you were Reiner's eyes as he kept his attention on the scout to his left.

"More of a wing and a prayer. Look, we've gotta try and distract her so that the platoon has a chance to retreat. If we're careful from this distance, we should be able to manage it, and make it out alive." Jean looked down, away from Reiner and you.

"Well, maybe anyways." He said softly afterwords.

"I can use my titan to-"

"You're not doing _anything_ right now, Y/n. I'm not gonna stop you from using it, but I think you should only use it if you have to. She might just wipe the floor with you if you've already had to use it once. You don't look like you're in any condition to go too hard right now." Jean cut you off, not even wanting to hear whatever half baked plan you could manage to muster in the time it took for him to say what he just said. 

"Jean's got a point." Reiner said to you. 

"Don't underestimate Y/n, Jean. You didn't see her in action like I did. It was nothing on the way she acted in Trost, Y/n's a natural born _predator_ when it comes to her titan." Armin looked away from Jean after talking to him.

"You might not be as strong as Eren, but I saw the way you fought back there. But you have to keep in mind, she's smarter than she looks too. From her perspective, we're little more than ants to her. One swipe of that arm, and we're all flattened." 

Jean had a nervous look on his face after hearing that, you saw the uncomfortable smile creep up like a toy that had a swappable face. 

"Is that a fact? What a terrifying thought." Jean let out a nervous laugh, reminiscent of the way you reacted when you found out Marco died. It made you feel uneasy to see Jean like this, wondering if he felt the same way when he saw you do it first. 

"Seriously, what have you done with the real Jean? No offense man, but the one I knew could only be accounted on to look after himself." Reiner said, causing you to give him another smack upside the head.

"Ow! What the hell was that for, Y/n?" Reiner muttered to you from over his shoulder, looking back at you for the first time this entire ride.

"Jean cares more than he lets on, you shouldn't say stuff like that. It was incredibly rude of you." You said with an agitated look. You appreciated the effort that Reiner was going through for you, but you weren't just gonna sit there and let him insult Jean's character. Even if he was _partially_ not exactly wrong.

 _"Your people skills need work, Reiner._ Believe me, friend. I'm still all about number one. I just don't want to end up as a pile of bones that nobody knew were mine. The thing is, I get it now. I understand what needs to be done if we're gonna survive through this! Last time I checked, nobody forced us to take on the position. Now are you with me, or not?!" Jean yelled in the direction of you, Armin, and Reiner. 

You couldn't help the smile that was forming on your lips at the words Jean said. Something about seeing him take charge like that was just amazing, you never expected it out of him, but he did nothing but show it to you in that moment.

The two of you locked eyes, and he could see the emotion you were sending him. He looked away once he realized what you were probably thinking. No, what you were thinking.

_Don't look at me like that. I can't have you giving me the same eyes that Marco did right before he died._

This thought was one that was sure to probably keep him up at night, if you all got to live long enough to make it that far at least.

"Everyone, pull your hoods all the way over so it covers you completely. She wont try to kill you if she can't see your face. If she's looking for Eren, she won't mow us down unless she knows for sure we're not him." Armin yanked up his hood, upon hearing his request, you did the same.

"Good idea. As far as she knows, any one of us could be him underneath this getup. That's somehow actually an encouraging thought." He followed suit and did the same with his own hood.

"Not gonna lie, the way you and Y/n clung to Eren like a security blanket all the time used to creep me out. But I always knew you were _brilliant."_ Jean said with conviction of his own near the end of his sentence, reminding Armin that a good handful of people were more than aware of his smarts and brain power. 

"Um, okay thank you. Not exactly sure how I ought to take that, but thanks." Armin sounded so confused, maybe a little weirded out. But his plan was going to start, while the four of you all had your green hoods up.

You noticed Jean kiss the knuckles on his right hand, holding a blade between his fingers. 

But little do you know, that was the hand he held someone's bones in. Not even sure if they were Marco's or not.

The four of you were ready to pull of whatever the hell it was Armin was getting ready to accomplish. 

"Y/n, I can't promise that you won't have to use your titan again. Are you okay to do so if you have to?" Armin asked, looking over at you with a concerning look in his soft blue eyes.

"I'll do what I have to, don't worry too much about me." You replied, giving him a soft look in return. 

You were going to do what you had to do, no matter what it took.


	35. 35: The 57th Recon Mission Part 4

The four of you rode closely behind the female titan, at this point your body had cooled off enough to switch off with someone else. You all made a stop for a brief moment so you could get off, you couldn't stop saying sorry for Reiner the entire time after words too. You were incredibly sorry for any pain you inflicted on him, but he just kept saying that it was nothin' he couldn't handle. His back had become _extremely_ sweaty, though. It was kind of gross. Not like you were one to talk, however. Seeing as you were basically dripping in the sweat from earlier. You weren't nearly gross now as you were then, but still. You had no place to judge.

"She's slowed down a bit." You mumbled into Jeans ear from right behind him. Your lip barely touching the shell of it, causing him to freeze up on his horse. The hair stood on the back of his neck, and the exposed skin back there got warm and flushed pink.

"D-Don't whisper in my ear like that, it's fuckin' weird!" Jean hissed back at you, not turning his head because he knew just how close your face was.

"We're supposed to stay quiet if talking about a plan, don't you get it? I'm not trying to be weird, if anything you're the one being weird by making it weird. Weirdo." You said back to him, in that same whisper even still.

"Do you think now is really a good to be trying to get under my skin? Incase you haven't noticed, there's a titan up ahead of us, one that apparently tried to _eat_ you." Jean dropped the attitude in his response, but instead he sounded more harsh. You wrapped your arms around his waist a little tighter, feeling the turbulence of the horse as it ran over pebbles and rocks.

"If that's what you think I'm trying to do, then you've got some issues you need to work out on your own. All I did was try to tell you that she's slowed down a bit. I think you've got a good shot at getting up there and going for near nape, or just doing something to try and distract her. I'd control your horse from down here. If she's a person in there like me, she'll protect her weak spot." You said to him quietly, using your grip on his waist to keep him close so he couldn't mis-hear what you were trying to tell him. 

_Plus, you're not my type anyways, Jean-boy._

"Killing her is out of the question, though. Don't try to go be a hero. She just needs to be distracted, once she is I can use my titan. Maybe I can subdue her, or something. If she's focused on trying to catch you, she might not notice me coming." You said to him once more, keep your voice low and quiet. 

"Yeah, like she's not gonna notice a giant monkey coming right for her. What if you cant change into your titan, huh? Also, what if she completed ignores you and keeps going for me, do you think I could take her out?" Jean said in the same low voice you were speaking to him in, one of his hands made its way down onto his hip where you rested yours. Latching onto your own, as if trying to ask for your strength in this moment. You squeezed back, hoping it was doing what he needed it to.

This really had become your way of sharing concern, at this point. There was nothing romantic about holding hands, it was just a testament of strength, and courage now. And those of your friends who understood it, got the message. It started with Armin, and now Jean does it too. You considered anyone who held your hand like this within your most inner circle, people you'd do anything for. 

"I don't have ODM gear, I can't do anything. Guess you'll just have to put your faith in me or die for humanity just because I whispered some half baked idea into your ear. Or you could always just hand yourself over to the titans, if you felt like it." Your grip tightened around his hand, and he scoffed at the lame attempt at encouraging him you just gave. 

"You're one hell of a bitch when you choose to be, L/n."

"And you're one hell of a jackass, given the time of day. So which is it, Kirstein?" You brought your other hand in front of Jean, taking out one of the blades from his scabbards and slicing your hand open on the side of the metal. You brought it back once you made a wound on yourself, understanding now that as long as you had broken your skin in some way, all you needed was the conviction to follow through if you wanted to change into a titan. It wasn't so much about hurting yourself and then changing as soon as it happened, it was more so the drive you had behind that feeling. You had to have the goal in mind, not just an injury on your body. But as long as you had an injury on your body, you could actually follow through. It's not like you could just have a goal, and be in perfect condition. One had to happen before the other, this you now understood.

"Just don't get your blood on me. Scoot back, I need to be able to stand up on the back of my horse." Jean had thought that this ploy of yours was a little manipulative, but the same thought crossed his mind too. He was thinking of a relatively similar idea in the back of his head. 

"But you got one thing wrong. I'm gonna go for her achilles tendon, not her nape. She might just swat me out of the air before you even have a chance to transform." Jean said sternly, getting ready to move on.

"Smart. I didn't think of that one." You said as you scooted yourself back, holding your hands on the sides of his horse and gripping them as tightly as you could, trying not to fall off but give him enough space so he could stand upright. Before he got up, he turned to face you.

"You got my back?" He asked, a serious expression. There was no longer any joking material in the air, this was a do or die moment.

"Of course I do. I'm more than confident I can change into a titan if I have to. I'll always have your back, Jean. You don't even have to ask." You gestured to your bleeding hand, that was tugging on the horses hair to keep yourself upright. He nodded to you in return, a peaceful look on his face.

"I have the feeling I'm gonna be putting my life in your hands too often for us to count later on. Good to know how you feel." With that Jean turned away from you, and pulled his legs up under his body from the saddle of the horse. You reached forwards and held it down, not only to keep him upright, but yourself as well. You looked up at him from where you sat, almost in awe that he was actually going through with it.

He shot off his hooks at the ankles of the female titan, and as soon as he propelled himself into the air, she stopped in place and twisted her body around.

"Shit!" You hissed out, worried about something like that happening. The wire chord snapped as soon as she stomped over it, pulling it taught. You watched as Jean was sent flying in the air, with no real target to hold onto anymore.

You stood up on the horse yourself, jumping directly upwards knowing that it didn't need to be there when you landed, because you simply just _weren't_ going to land it.

_I need to protect Jean, I told him that's what I was going to do, and now I need to follow through!_

With that determined thought in mind, you yelled out and felt electricity running through your body, starting at the open slice on your palm. Your arms were no longer out in the open air, instead muscle tissue wrapped around them in the matter of a couple seconds, red tendons encapsulating your entire body. Hot air was expelled around you, and that same bolt of lightning from earlier shot from your body upwards into the sky, sending a dark green tone to overcast everyone for a brief moment.

You felt yourself _rising_ in the air as the beast that you take the form of started to materialize, the same red tendons from earlier started to form on your face, under your eyes. They seemed to be growing as the moments passed, until they were fully connected to the nape, covering what was left of your body until you were fully submerged in the neck of your titan. 

Running was no longer an action that took two legs, as your titan used it's hands to propel itself forwards. You ran towards Jean at top speed, unaware of how terrifying you looked from his point of view. While you made your way over to him, the female titan had slapped the horse right out from under Armin, giving you something else to be worried about in this moment.

You turned your head while inside the nape, the titan you were controlling did the same action. Armin was bleeding on the side of his face, and you watched as his ODM gear rattled and got stripped from his body during the fall.

_I can't be in two places at the same time, I didn't think about that. Did she do that to distract me? Because if so, it fucking worked._

You didn't have a choice, you were forced to go get Jean seeing as you were more than already halfway over to him. But the female titan was making her way over to Armin, lurching over his body in a squatting position. 

You couldn't communicate to Jean what you were trying to do, but you had an idea. 

You picked up Jean in your hands, seeing the look of confusion blast over his face the second you did the action. You used your other hand to point to the female titan, a big long, yellow nail extended in her direction. With the hand you held Jean in, reeling it back. He positioned himself on your palm to maintain his weight distribution, adjusting himself as you pulled him higher into the air.

_I hope you know what I'm trying to do here, and this might seem nuts, but you put your faith in me, right?_

You pulled your arm back all the way, and then swung it forwards with Jean still inside it. Catapulting him into the air faster than the gas in his tanks could have ever done. He seemed to understand what you were trying to do, because the moment he was in the air, he shot his hooks into the shoulder of the female titan as he flew through the air towards her.

You ran after him, seeing that the female titan had already turned her body around to face him. She extended one of her legs and then bent it once again, squatting with both her knees parted with an open field of range. She pulled back her arm, ready to smack Jean clean out of the air.

She used an open fist to try and catch him, but he unhooked one of his wires and swooped below her hand. He twisted himself around her body, using the speed you gave him from that throw to push himself faster than she had the time to react. So instead, she just covered the nape of her neck with her hand.

_Shit, he has nowhere else to go. I need to catch him or lunge at her. But if I lunge at her, I risk her smashing Armin the second she see's me coming._

You ran behind her where Jean was in the air, not knowing the fact that Jean was thinking he was about to die. The female titan had wrapped her fist up, and swung it back. She was about more than ready to just yank him down and slam him into the ground.

The feet on your titan skidded in the dirt, and you positioned yourself right under Jean. You knew what you were about to do was gonna suck, but if you didn't do it, Jean was gonna die. And you couldn't have that. 

You bent your knees at an angle, and pushed the palms of your titans hands into the ground. It was as easy as walking, now. All you had to do was act like you were doing this as a normal person, and the titan followed your actions. You put force into your ankles, and launched yourself up into the air with an open mouth. you were sure to curl your lips over your teeth, and cover the back of your throat with your tongue. You left no real opening for the possibility of Jean sliding down the back of your throat, or you accidentally crushing him between your teeth. From his perspective, this must be a real nightmare. The whole idea of putting Jean in your mouth was really uncomfortable, but it was about to be a lot worse for him.

Better this than dying, right?

"JEAN, DON'T LET THAT SUICIDAL MANIAC DIE IN VAIN!" You didn't have the time to think about what Armin just shouted, you needed to focus on what you were currently in the middle of doing, even though it was alarming what Armin had just shouted off the top of his lungs.

As soon as his body was in your mouth, you closed your lips shut, landing on the ground with a massive _thud_. You could feel him banging on the roof of your mouth, and kicking at one of your front teeth. It was such a weird feeling, you couldn't take the time to process it, instead just turned your head and spit him out.

He landed in a puddle of saliva from your titan, gasping for air as he hit the ground. Both of hos blades clattered next to him, you were thankful he didn't use them on you in the moment of the shock. He wasn't prepared for you to do something like that, as disgusting as it was, it might have just saved his life.

He leaned over and started coughing, trying to get every drop of spit out of his mouth that didn't belong there. His hair stuck flat to his forehead, clothes drenched in slippery clear substance.

But the female titan stayed there, in that squatting position frozen. You stayed leaning over Jean, like a bear protecting it's cub. 

"SHE DID IT, SHE'S THE ONE WHO KILLED HIM! I TOLD HIM THE RIGHT WING WAS SUICIDE, BUT HE WENT ALONG ANYWAYS!" Armin shouted again, was he talking about Eren? But Eren wasn't there, right? You looked between the female titan and Armin, and the look he gave you just explained everything. Even as he sat there, blood dripping down his face, Armin had come up with yet another plan. Eren wasn't dead, he just had to make everyone think that he was.

"AND NOW HE'S DEAD, THANKS TO HER!" Armin was real good at acting, you've noticed. But you had to play along, and not freak out. Eren isn't really dead, if he was you're sure that Armin would be doing a hell of a lot more than screaming, right?

The female titan stayed frozen in place the entire time, giving Jean more than a couple of moments to fix his gear, and wipe all the slime out of the important parts to make sure it would still function. He wanted nothing more than to yell up at you never to do something like that again, but he understood that was probably the only way you could have saved him in that moment. He's sure to fill your ears about it later, though. Even you knew that. 

You saw Reiner coming up on his horse, riding into her direction and yanking his hood off. _Why the hell did he just pull his hood off?! He's gonna fucking die-_

"I saw it with my own eyes! His entrails were stuck to the bottom of her foot!" Armin was less aggressive with his yells now, having already caught the female titans attention away from Jean and himself. But Reiner stayed riding his horse in the direction of the massive woman, getting ready to shoot his hooks off.

You watched him jump off his horse, and ready his blades for an attack. You reached your hand out to grab him, but he slipped through your fingers anyways. You were too late.

He was already in the air, and just as soon as he had made any head way, the female titan grabbed him and squeezed her fist around him.

You yelled out, to you it sounded like your own voice bouncing off the meaty walls of the inside of your titan, but to everyone else? That was a blood curdling roar, one that had just made it very obvious that she had gone too damn far. You watched him struggle in her grasp, getting ready to push yourself off your feet again in her direction to go straight for her. But what would you even do? What if she just crushed him the second you took off? To you, she was holding Reiner hostage, leaving you with no other choice than to just remain still over Jean.

Her thumb covered his head, and the _sound_ hit you first.

You were frozen. 

"Ough!" Jean let out an unintelligible yell from under your body, you felt him walk directly back into one of your legs. Holding onto it for support. "Reiner...oh _god."_ He continued, gripping the wire-like fur that stuck out from your leg. You felt him wrap his fingers around it, and pull. 

She had just shoved her thumb over his head near the only opening on his hand, and crushed him into her palm. You couldn't even process what just happened, because it all went by so fast. She had done the exact thing you were worried about her doing if you chased after him. And so you wasted your one and only shot, letting Reiner die just because you didn't know what to _do?_ Even now, you can't get a handle on it. She just squished him like a _bug_. 

Blood spurted everywhere, and everything was silent for a moment, while you were still unable to move out of the realization of the massive mistake you just made. This was a massive trauma starting to build in your mind, Reiner was a comrade, he was a _friend._ Not all that long ago, he told you that he would be there if you ever needed him.

And you couldn't be there for the moment he needed help. All because you hesitated. _Reiner's blood....is on my hands now._

Or so you thought. 

He let out a loud yell, a cry of fight. Just as quickly as you thought Reiner had died, he managed to emerge out of the finegers of the female titan, spinning his blades around his body, sending fingers flying through the air. You reached out your hand to catch Reiner, he stuck his hooks into your palm and used you to rebound onto the ground below him, making a direct run for Armin before swooping the blonde up in his arms.

You grabbed Jean in your palm from under you, and held him close to your chest over your heart, and cupped your hands around him as a sort of protective shield. You ran off in the same direction Reiner had Armin, watching as the blonde bounced over his shoulder from the action Reiner was doing.

"Mikasa's been hogging so much of the limelight these days, I can't believe I forgot how much of a badass Reiner is!" You heard Jean yell from inside your hand, you couldn't exactly respond to him, other than letting out a gruff sounding grunt in agreement.

"Odds are that bought the platoon more than enough time, I say we follow suit and get out of here!" Reiner yelled, you used your other free hand to reach for him and Armin, picking them up high into the air, and putting them on your shoulder. You felt Reiner immediately grab onto a long tuft of your brown fur, Armin doing the same. There probably wasn't enough space for all three of them in your hand, but with Reiner shooting off his hooks and using them to stabilize himself and Armin on your shoulder, it made running with the three of them on you all that much more easier.

"If she doesn't have an appetite for people just like you said, I'm guessing she's not gonna follow us!" Reiner yelled over your shoulder, you let out another grunt in understanding. It was truly all you could do to communicate in the moment, not sure how else to speak. You kept trying, though.

"Alright! Look's like she's retreating, poor things running home with her tail between her legs." Reiner went on yet again, but you couldn't turn back to see which direction she had run to, hoping that it wasn't the way that Armin thought Eren was at. 

You needed to see if you could talk, it was beginning to be a problem in terms of communication that you couldn't. You would scream, yell, but no sounds were coming out quite yet. Only muffled unintelligible noises escaped the lips of your titan, until something finally slipped out.

"Rrrr-"

"Huh?" Reiner tugged on your ear with the hand that wasn't keeping Armin upright, noticing something about you was different this time when your titan opened it's mouth.

"Rrright..."

The voice came out jumbled, monstrous in a way, but you managed to do it. You got out a word, even if it was one. 

Right. You were trying to convey the fact that you understood what Reiner was saying, the word 'right' making it's way out of your lips like a bat out of hell. And it _wasn't_ an easy feat. 

But you did it, even if it was just this once. As soon as you seemed to _obtain_ this new ability, a single word rang through your head, one that you felt like you hadn't heard in _far_ too long.

_Coordinate..._


	36. 36: Stuck

This didn't feel like any other time you used your titan.

The weaves of tissue felt tighter around your arms and legs this time, your mind fully wrapped up by the nerves, feeling trapped. You know that you got the three boys you carried away to safety, they now sat under a tree waiting for you to get out of the nape. But you weren't, for right now. You tried, doing what you remembered doing last time. But it wasn't working, you were stuck.

_What's going on, who are you? Why do you keep telling me that word? Why can't I get out?!_

You were unable to speak with your own voice, feeling silenced by the wraps of tissue as they covered the bottom half of your face. 

_What is it you want, Y/n?_

That same voice from earlier asked back, ignoring all your other questions. It was familiar to you in a way that a mother would speak to her child, calm and caring, soothing but still holding a layer of command. She had a soft voice, and with that question, you felt your hands grip around the tissue that bound you down even tighter.

' _I want to get out of here! Why am I stuck in the nape? Am I gonna be here forever? Armin, Reiner, and Jean! They're all waiting for me to get out!'_

The panic was beginning to set in, trying to pound upwards on the base of the nape where you were being kept, but your hands disobeyed the orders you were giving them. You were starting to worry if you were gonna be stuck like this for the rest of your life, trapped inside the body of your titan with no real escape. Like a prison.

_You have to have a reason to continue, right? This strong urge to want to become a soldier, is it just to feel respected? Or are you trying to make a name for yourself, one that people will only remember after you've died for a cause they believe in?_

The words being spoken directly into your mind felt violating, uncovering a feeling that you never knew you even had. Whoever was speaking, she had just taken the lid off a boiling pot, and watched as the water started to boil over. 

' _NO! That's not why I- no, I'm doing this for myself! I'm doing this because it's what I want to do! If I didn't become a soldier, all the adults in Trost would have seen me as a coward! You don't know what it's like, do you?! By the time you come of age to enlist, you either become a soldier, or-'_

_Or what, Y/n? Live a peaceful life within the district you fell in? Maybe choose a simple life, working in the fields? Someone has to do it, some have to choose the fields. If they didn't, then who would? The adults in Trost would not see you as a coward, that's just a projection of how you would see yourself. You want to know what's out there, even if you already have a vague idea. Or is it a hope? You couldn't stand the thought of living a normal life, no, not you. You want to know what the first nine years of your life held, don't you? You think you're special, simply for not knowing. Is that right?_

Your eyes widened big, almost hurting and straining your vision. The nape felt hot, steam rose above liquid that wavered at your knees. Some kind of fluid, one that no doubt would burn the body of anyone else who touched it. Yet the voice of the woman kept going, almost growing stronger the more you fought against her. 

_You could have had a normal life, if you chose not to enlist. Jean would come home and visit you from his training on every break, you'd have meals with his family every Sunday. He'd tell you all about his fondness for Mikasa, his dislike of Eren, his friend Marco. Maybe he'd even bring up Armin a couple of times. You would never have met the people who's names run through your mind every day. But you would sit there in home of the Achen's, and wonder what your life would have been like if you joined Jean in the military, isn't that right? You would have felt...left out?_

 _'STOP IT! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!'_ It didn't matter how loud you yelled, your voice didn't seem to work right now, in this part of yourself. You were convinced that now you were strapped down by the tendrils of your own mind, it just so happened to take the shape of the nape of your neck.

_You can't get rid of yourself, Y/n. What is it that you WANT, what you keep fighting for even right now. Those boys you call your friends, would you die for them? Eren, Mikasa, would you die for them too? Commander Erwin, if he ordered you to die, would you do it? There are two versions of you that exist within your own mind. The one who craves intimacy and friendship, and the other that will go the extra mile just to prove she's worth something on the battlefield. Which version of you do you think is the real one? You know that you can't have both, right?_

_'WHO ARE YOU?! YOU'RE NOT ME! I SAID GET OUT OF MY HEAD!'_ You tugged your arms back, trying to wrap them around your body. Your arms didn't do as your mind wanted, instead those scorching hot vines of skin and tissue wrapped around your back, pinning your arms and legs still to your sides, keeping you upright like a plank. 

_If you want out, you have to realize who you are. Y/n L/n, what does that mean to you? Whose last name is that, why did you keep it? You didn't take the Achen family name when you were rehomed in Trost. You insisted to Samantha that your name was Y/n L/n, so who is that girl? Who is the girl that name belongs to? Did you take it from someone else, who do you think M/n is? Do you believe that to be the woman who birthed you? Ah, but Samantha is your real mother, right? She was the one that raised you, took you in. Yet you've made no real effort to even talk to her within the last three years. Jean wasn't lying about Luka, that man is on his last leg. If it weren't for Jean, who knows what state Luka would be in right now? Even when you refuse to do things for yourself, that boy still forces you to see the consequences of the actions you try so hard to run away from. So will you keep running away, for the rest of your life?_

The womans voice was beginning to split in two, sounding more like your own, in a higher pitch, and one in a lower tone. Both of these voices were your own, and you were being forced to hear the thoughts you shoved so far back into the deepness of your subconscious. 

_And what about Eren? You think he's special. Is it because you want to be special, like he is? His father, Grisha, that man has a secret basement that everybody believes to be the answer to humanites prayers. What do you have to offer? A silly sketch of a man nobody has ever seen? In what way does that compare to the promise Eren has made? Are you jealous of him, so now you're trying to be like him?_

_'DON'T TALK ABOUT EREN, SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!'_

_Or, is he special to you, as a person? You find peace in those moments at the castle alone with him, right? Even the bickering, and the fighting, you look forwards to it. You feel conflicted as a person, keeping so many things to yourself. It wouldn't hurt you if you didn't care about him. If you chose to stop glamorizing the idea of him and the future he could bring in your head, it wont hurt so bad. Don't you want to stop the hurt? Why do you actively chose to live in pain, and denial? Keep pushing everyone who gets too close away, and you'll only turn out like M/n. You'll be forced into the same gruesome death that she had, if you keep living like this. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, are you going to change that? Are you going to make something different happen, or are you going to keep letting everything happen over and over again. You do the same thing every time. Doesn't it ever get boring to you?_

A hot burning pain shot through your left shoulder, turning your head to look at it, only to see the glimmering metal of a blade. It seemed like one of them had decided to jam one of their paring blades into your nape, in an attempt to get you out. 

The fluid below you at your knees boiled, sending up a steam of hot air. The pain in your shoulder only worsened, but you were forced to actually take in the words that you think were coming from your own mind, no you knew they were from your own head. These thoughts, they aren't new. But some of it doesn't make sense, either.

 _'What's that supposed to mean?! I've never done any of this before!'_ Muffled through the muscle wrapped around your mouth, you managed to use your actual voice for the first time during this whole internal collapse. 

_I just want you to admit it to yourself, that you know there's two seperate entities of you locked inside your own mind. It's not a diagnosis per say, but it's fact. Your friends up there can keep trying to cut you out, but you're the one not letting them do it. You're the reason that fluid is boiling, you made it get so hot with your anger towards me that now you're using it to hurt your friends. It burns them, you know that right? They're burning themselves just trying to get you out of this mess you put yourself in. You need not forget the real reason you're doing this, and it just so happens to be the bonding between those two people you've created in your mind to help you cope with the surroundings you're always around. You might hate whoever is in that female titan that just tried to rip you away from your friends, but you and that girl have more in common than you will ever know. The fear, it isn't real. You need to rip away that feeling and stand above it._

You felt the blade that was jammed into your shoulder reel back, looking up through one eye to see the sunlight through the steam piercing through the opening above that they made with the blade. You could overhear Jean telling Reiner that the steam was too hot, and that he wasn't going to be able to cut you out without his help.

' _What am I doing to them?! Why am I hurting them?! MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING!'_

_Anything? Even steal? What about murder, would you do that? Thankfully, I'm only asking you to be honest with yourself. All you have to do is remember who you really are, what it is you want. What is that, a future? Not just any future, you want them in it too, don't you? You want a future with Eren, Mikasa and Armin most of all. Even if it's conflicting with the way you view the world around you. Somehow, you always manage to leave Jean in the dust with it all. And Annie, what is it you thought she wanted to tell you? Why didn't she kill you that day in the woods during training? She's more then capable of doing it, and in the woods like that alone? She could have gotten away with it, too. A simple training accident, and she just happened to stumble across your body. It would have been the perfect lie. Armin would probably weep for you the most, Jean might not understand how to even process it. You would have filled Eren with more rage than that boy already carries. Giving Mikasa a heavier burden, having to look out for him more than she already does. You know you're not a burden, but you'll become one if you don't start to be honest with yourself. So I'll ask again, what is it that YOU want?_

"I WANT TO BE FREE, OF ALL OF IT, _EVEN YOU!"_ You screamed at the top of your lungs, in accordance to Reiner and Jean above you, tearing open the nape of your titan with their pairing blades. You pulled yourself out of your titan, reeling your head back, hair soaking from the liquid that felt all too much like the safety of a womb. Now you were forced out of that soothing feeling, one that would only hurt others. What was considered your safe space, would only be the hell of another person. 

A single blade stuck out from your shoulder, they must have shoved it in again and you didn't even realize through the torment of your own mind. It seeped out of your flesh, body healing itself, while rejecting the metal blade that pierced through your left shoulder. You heard it hit the ground, followed by the bodies of your friends being blown back as the gust of steam forced them away from you. 

"She's out! You did it, Jean!" You heard Armin yell from your right, causing you to push your soaking wet hair out away from your face, off your forehead. Gasping for fresh air, you kept your eyes tilted up to the sky.

Birds. You saw five of them, flying right over your vision. You mind couldn't help but wonder if each one of those birds stood for you, Eren, Mikasa, Armin and Jean. Because they were the strong factors that helped you gather the courage you needed to break free of the turmoil you were stuck in, having to listen to all of that. It was taking a mental toll on you in there, but once you broke free? You felt like maybe, you were supposed to hear all of that after all. 

_But I still don't know what the coordinate is, or what that word is even supposed to mean to me?_

"Glad you're finally out, Y/n. Now we can start focusing on the problem, at hand." Reiner said, from below. He was rubbing his hand against his forehead, as it trying to wipe sweat off of it. 

The four of you were stranded in the middle of titan territory, with only one horse to name of you all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small update for today because I'm not really feeling the most motivated rn, but holy heck over 1k hits and 54 kudos????? I usually use Quotev first and foremost, I only made the fanficition available here as a backup incase my account information was ever lost (I honestly don't remember my log in, thank god I was still saved by being logged in on my laptop, I'm probably gonna figure that out tomorrow)  
>  I never expected so many people to view my fanfiction or even like it for that matter, I'm gonna be honest with you here, I don't even know what a kudo is. That's how little I've used this site ahhhHHH I'm so sorry lmao but anyways.
> 
> Thank you all so much for taking the time and reading my fic, I got a lot of inspiration from random different sources that I wanted to apply in the AOT universe, mostly from other Animes and Manga. 
> 
> Thank you to those who comment, and leave kudos! You're the reason I have motivation to keep writing even on my bad days. :D I was genuinely shocked when people here started liking this fic, because I always thought that ao3 had a different standard for writing whereas on quotev it was much more lax. Honestly I was kind of afraid of someone commenting spelling errors, or minor plot issues Ive had. But none of you have done that, so I don't really think I need to be so afraid of judgement from others to that degree. 
> 
> Ahhh this note is so long, and kind of self deprecating. Have a good day!


	37. 37: The 57th Recon Mission Part 5

"I know our situation is bad right now, but do any of you have a canteen? I'm gonna throw up." These were the first words out of your mouth when everything was settled and the situation at hand became very obvious. Drenched in sweat, or whatever fluid it was in the nape. Your body let off steam, most of it coming out of your left shoulder.

"Y/n, I think you need to sit out for a minute. Whenever you get out of your titan, you get really sick." Armin tossed you his canteen from his distance, landing within about three feet of you. You took no hesitation in grabbing it, but as soon as your hand made contact with it, you lurched forwards on your knees. 

It felt like all the skin on your face was being pulled into your skull, eyes about ready to pop out of the sockets. The bile in the back of your throat forced its way past your lips, and you had to turn your head to avoid throwing up all over the canteen Armin threw to you from where he sat with Reiner. You hands found the ground not too long before you had fallen to your knees, throwing up almost violently. 

_This fluid looks like the stuff that was inside the nape of my titan, why the hell is it so damn hot?!_

Jean took a step back, not wanting to know what that stuff would do if it touched him, seeing as it burned any plants that laid under it's path. The steam coming up from it made him nervous, wondering about the state of your insides if you were able to throw that stuff up without screaming from the sheer pain of it all. 

"Damn, that stuff reeks. Don't come near me for a while with your gross ass vomit breath." Jean pinched his nose, speaking in a nasally way that just made his voice sound even more asshole-ish than it already had the tendency to carry. 

"Don't titans throw up after they've had their fill of people and what-not? Does Eren throw up like that after changing back to being a person again?" Reiner asked, lacing a white bandage around the base of Armin's skull, weaving it through his hair on the top of his head. 

"What, you sayin' I ate somebody before all of this? I was literally in your eyesight the whole time." You choked out after the last of the vomit dribbled out of your mouth, wiping the last few drops of it off your chin and looking back up at Reiner through your wet hair. 

"I'd _never_ eat a person, hell I can hardly stomach meat anymore after finding out I can turn into a titan. The whole idea of eating a living thing seems kind of off putting now, given my circumstances." You paused, thinking that well, Sasha's about to be a real lucky girl from now on. You're bound to give her any meat that comes your way, dairy and eggs aren't really the same in that regard. You just don't see yourself eating meat without thinking about titans for the rest of your life at this point. Meat is good, too. Damn it. Still, you can't seem to humor the idea even. Hange's words about the cannibalistic people didn't help, either. She really set the score for you on that one.

"And no, Eren doesn't get sick. It's just me." _It's like my body is rejecting the damn titan form that I take, god a little late for that, aren't you, you weird beast thing? I guess I'd be no use if I was sick like this while I was inside my titan, though._

As if by even thinking about it, you had the sudden urge to throw up yet again. Everybody kept their distance from you while it unfolded, it was a weird sight seeing you on your hands and knees like that, heaving out for air as every gust of pink and white vomit just escaped your lips. Dry heaving noises, choking, the whole nine yards. You definitely had a fever again, not nearly as bad as that time with the canon fire incident though. You're more than certain that you were still fit to ride a horse, just had to give it some time. 

Not like you were all going anywhere any time soon, and that would normally be a good thing in your situation, if not for the fact you four were stuck in the middle of titan territory, and the only line of defense being you and ODM gear. And you're way out of commission, and Armin's gear is shot for the time being. You don't even have your own gear anymore, to make things worse. You had no real defenses left, made to rely on everyone around you from this point onwards. 

"What makes your titan so different from his? Disregarding the appearance, this kind of thing doesn't seem normal. You're weaker, and thinner too." Armin said, giving you a concerned look. You hated it when one of those three looked at you like that, but it all boiled down to them just being concerned about your well being, and caring about you. 

_What is it you want, Y/n?_

You wanted to be happy with them. It's just that simple. Those words from earlier just reminded you of that, there's no sense in getting mad, or showing irritation every time somebody looks out for you a little. It wasn't a habit that you did every single time, but the amount of times you've raised your voice at Armin or Eren over small things that they wouldn't let go of in the past before all this? Well, today it stops. All of it stops.

"Do you hear yourself? Turning into a titan isn't normal in the first place! Whatever it's doing to her, it might just happen to Eren later on for all we know. We don't know anything about anything, Armin." Jean was quick to respond, a weird way of coming to your defense.

"I know that, it just seems like it's _killing her,_ in a way. I've never seen anybody get sick like this other than that plague that broke out all those years ago, the one my parents used to talk about." The one that Grisha helped cure. That must be what Armin is talking about right now. 

"H-Hey don't say that, I don't need to think that using my titan is killing me, it'll just make me use it less. What if we have to use it at some point later on, and I can't commit to it again like earlier? I don't want a repeat of that whole event to happen again." You said nervously, getting up on your knees and sitting back on your ankles. you reached for the canteen and opened the lid, bringing it to your lips. 

"I know that, but living in ignorance is worse. We have to think realistically here. You need food, water and a doctor right now, Y/n. None of that is available to us other than the food and water part. I'll share some of my nutritional bars with you, the military handed these out to us before we left. Since you came late, I noticed you didn't get any. I ate this morning, so don't feel bad about it. But, at least we know you aren't contagious. If that was the case, we would have known long before this." That's true, you were around Eren, Armin, and Mikasa for a long period of time, and you're sure your sweat probably soaked into their skin during the cannon incident. The way they were holding you, if you were contagious? They would have been too sick to attend the trial. 

You caught the bars that Armin threw to you, Jean gave you one of his as well. They tasted like shit, just dehydrated nutrients of whatever the hell they put in these things. Packed full of calories, though. Good enough for anybody who's gone days without food. But you couldn't ignore the hypothesis that Armin had just said out loud. 

Maybe using your titan _was_ killing you. There's no other explanation for why you would get this sick, and Eren didn't. But there's also the possibility of Eren just getting sick way later on. But, why would you get sick immediately after, and not him? Even if that was the case, why would it take so long? But for you, it's an instant. 

"We'll worry about it later. Right now, we need to figure out what we're gonna do. If I don't die by sickness, I'll die with the three of you out here if we just keep sitting here with our thumbs up our ass, talking about how sick I get from god knows what." To be honest, you just didn't want to think about it.

_So will you keep running away, for the rest of your life?_

"No, I-" _Just don't want to get caught up in that right now! There's a bigger problem here._

"Look, she's even talking to herself now. You gonna get delusional from whatever's making you sick, too? We can't have that right now, you said it yourself! We have to put our heads together, I'll go try and get my horse to come back, first." Jean said, walking past you off about a good ten feet. You heard him whistle, and then say something about how Reiner's horse comes back like an old lover, yet his wont. 

"One, if not two, of us have to stay here if Jean can't get his horse to come back to him. I'm still too hot to ride with either of you. I know I probably put you through hell earlier, I'm sorry Reiner. I'll choose to stay, if that makes things easier." You said, realizing now that Reiner was probably thinking the same thing. There was no _possible_ way at all for all four of you to fit on the one horse left. And Reiner is too big to ride with Jean. Both you and Armin could fit on a horse, but your heat is still the ongoing issue. You'd just burn Armin, and you're not sure if he could take it the same way Reiner ever so gracefully did.   
"Don't worry about it, you're like a free sauna-"

"Good joke, wrong time." You deadpanned up at the bulky blonde. 

"It's not fair. We got out of that fight alive, barely by the teeth of our skin. And now we have to think about who else we have to leave? I already volunteered myself, but Armin is hurt, Reiner? You're too heavy to ride with someone." You said, thinking clearly now. "Though, Armin being hurt is the biggest reason why he shouldn't stay, but that can also be an argument for why he _should_ stay if it came down to it. But that just means you and Jean have to share a horse, and you're too freakin' huge! Life is so messed up, what the hell? I can't even think of an answer without balancing my morals on a damn _needle_. If Armin and I both stay, we'll have no means of defense! His ODM gear fell apart, even though you two are putting it back together, that's not enough time to do the right amount of repairs. And mine is-"

"Y/n, you're thinking about it too much. Why shouldn't you go with Reiner or Jean? You're small enough for it to work, it's obvious that either you or me is staying, we both can't go together. You're right about our ODM gear, but you're trying to come up with a solution that gets us all out of this mess." Armin was quick to stop the worried rambling from blurting out of your mouth anymore than it did, but he gave you a harsh reality in the same breath.

Armin was telling you that if you weren't going to stay, then he would. You two would be separated. 

"What? No- I thought I lost you when the female titan attacked us back there-" You were starting to panic a little. You? _Leave Armin?_ Absolutely not. 

"You think I don't _know_ that? I held onto you for as long as I could, and I _still_ couldn't keep you with me! She grabbed you from my _hands,_ Y/n! I already lost Eren once-" Now it was Armin's turn to grow frantic, throwing his hands up in the air as he spoke, nearly knocking Reiner upside the side of his face in the action. 

_"You're not losing me,_ idiot!" It hit you. Back at the cannons, Armin said that he thought he watched Eren die. There must be some kind of emotional turmoil he went through the moment that the female titan plucked you from his grasp, making him wonder if he had to watch another friend go down the same way. Eren came back, yeah. But that was before everyone, even he, knew that he could change into a titan. Armin was certain that if you got eaten at the time he thought you were, there'd be no coming back from it. He would have watched you die just like Eren did, just like how Eren described his mother dying. 

"I promise you, Armin. You're not gonna _ever_ have to watch a titan eat me like that. I'm not gonna die on you, so stop worrying about it!" That was a promise you were making, setting it in stone now. You were going to make sure that no titan was ever going to eat you, and if one were to? Well, Armin simply couldn't be there to witness it. You can't tell what your future has in store for you, you aren't a clairvoyant, obviously. But, the most you can do is making sure you don't die in a way like that, much less with Armin around to see it.

But he didn't look away like you asked him to, during that moment when you ripped your pinky off. 

Shit.

Would Armin really listen to you, in the event that you were dying? If such a thing were to happen, especially like that, would he willingly turn away? 

What if it was Armin?

What if it was Mikasa?

What if it was Eren?

What about Jean-

Reiner-

Bertholtd-

Sasha-

Connie-

_**MARCO.** _

_No. I can't keep thinking about it, not like this, not at a time like this. We're in so much deep shit right now, we can't get caught up in emotional prefixes **like this**. _

"How's your head, Armin?" Changing the subject to his wellbeing, the two of you seemed to drop it when you both realized it was fruitless at the moment. 

"Still a bit fuzzy." He said back, rather blankly. Jean's whistles in the background seemed not caring for the conversation that had just taken place, or the thoughts that plagued your mind. It's hard to get a handle on things like this, you think you always know what to do until actually being put in the scenario. All those lessons, all those classes about what to do on the actual field, it was nothing in comparison to the real deal. 

"It's a hard choice, but the both of you are right. Somebody has to make the decision." Reiner said, standing up. He wasn't wrong, nobody here was in the wrong. Even if it came out in an emotional, jumbled mess of questionable choices on who gets to stay, and who doesn't. 

"Y/n weighs the least, she either goes with me or Jean. If not her, then Armin." Reiner was about ready to make the choice for everybody, if nobody spoke up. Which means that he actually thought your argument about you and Armin staying together or leaving together had an actual point. There was no reason to leave two defenseless people out here, limit the loss by one. 

"Jean, don't even _think_ about going to get your horse on foot. You'll just die." You shouted over your shoulder to him, trying to ignore the harsh reality that Reiner spoke into existence. But your eyes landed back on Armin, who had already been staring at you from where he sat. It was as if he was pleading with you to go with Jean or Reiner, asking to take your place in terms of volunteering yourself. 

You shook your head at him, still refusing to justify leaving him. If you had to use your titan abilities again just to keep Armin by your side, then you're willing to try, no matter the cost it takes to your body. You made a promise to Armin, and you intended on keeping it. Eren has Mikasa, and so now Armin has you. _Tough luck, bowl cut. You're stuck with me. One way or another, I'm not gonna let you just stay here. If I have to overpower Jean and Reiner? Then I guess I'll just have to go down trying, if that's what it takes. The only way I'm leaving on horseback **without you** is while I'm kicking and screaming._

"Wait, we should fire off a distress signal! If the formation continued straight ahead, the row 3-4 team should be near by now." Armin thought of a solution, one with a little too much hope to rely on. But you're ever so _more_ than willing to give that a shot, as opposed to leaving him here.

You got up, and stumbled into Reiner's shoulder.

It felt _way_ too familiar, like that _day_ passing by the alley when you were chasing after Mikasa, Eren and Armin. His height, the position of his chest, the way your head hit his shoulder. It just felt exactly like the stature of that person you bumped into way back before the night of the graduation ceremony. This whole feeling almost threw you for an entire loop. 

Reiner caught you as you fell over, grabbing you by your waist and another hand grabbing your right one. Your knees had bent, and given out under you. You were staring back up at him with a slack look in your eyes, as if realizing something that didn't quite make sense to you at the moment.

"You shouldn't stand so quickly, you might throw up again." Was all he said, before taking his strong hold off your hip, and letting go of your hand once you had readjusted your feet back under your body. It felt weird, and you didn't know what to say. Eventually, as Armin pulled out his flare for a distress signal, you let out a weak, but soft 'thank you'. 

"I can't imagine someone is gonna see that and think, wow, gee I sure wonder who needs a horse right now." Jean said, scoffing and firing off his own signal right after Armin's. 

"We might be down a couple horses, but at least we still have you." You said in his direction, earning an irritated sound of annoyance from said boy in discussion. Trying to get rid of the weird feeling you just got from Reiner, but still wanting to try and actively take part in conversation.

"Even when Eren isn't here, he still manages to talk through your mouth. How's it feel, Y/n? Being that suicidal manic's mouthpiece even when you two are so far apart?" 

"Are you forgetting that I defended you when Reiner said that the old Jean would never do something so brave? I bet you would implode if you ever heard Eren-"

"We wait three minutes. If nothing comes of it, we decide." Reiner said loudly, stopping the two of you from bickering any more. The last thing you all needed was for each of you to rile one another up. Jean's negativity, and your harsh way of not being able to know when to stop talking. It wasn't going to collide well, not when you take into consideration the fact that they might have to leave Armin or you here. Everybody was starting to get the feeling you weren't gonna handle it well, not after hearing you make an open ended promise about the sanctity of your life when it comes to a titan killing you. It was obvious, the other two knew that you weren't gonna separate from Armin without putting up a fight. Armin even knew that. 

"I'll stay." Armin was quick to project himself into the equation, giving you that same look from earlier as he did it.

"Armin, _no-_ " You were about to detest, but Armin spoke back up again.

"But, there's something I want you to tell the commander for me, keep it as personal as you can." Armin was talking low and quiet now, but in the distance you could hear the sound of horses galloping, coming closer. It wasn't long before Jean spoke up, too.

"Hey! Look over there, whoever's out there, they got two horses with them!" Jean shouted loudly to the three of you, instantly making any fear of having to legitimately choose leave your minds. You felt relieved, looking over to Armin and dropping the worried face you had this entire time.

Eventually the face of the savior came into view, and you realized it was none other than Krista!

"I knew it! That girl is an actual _angel._ God, we're so lucky right now. It's _just like her_ to think of others at a time like this!" You were loud, and excited. You weren't close to Krista, but having to share a room with her for a good amount of time? She was an incredibly sweet girl, though kind of distanced sometimes when she chose to be. You two didn't talk much due to the sheer amount of training you put in, honestly you only used your dorm to sleep in, and any free time went to Mikasa, Armin or Eren. 

Kinda makes you realize what you might have missed out on, now. If you had stayed in your cabin dorm for more than you did, well maybe you'd know the blonde a bit better than you do now. To be honest, she didn't talk about herself much. Most of her free time got swallowed up by Ymir, anyways. But it still begged the question. Could you have been friends with her? Like, actual friends? You know she's a nice, sweet and caring girl. She always seems to put others first. 

_Maybe I should talk to her more, after all of this is over. I could do with making some closer friends, right?_

_Friends._

_Is that what all I want really boils down to?_

_Is that what that question meant?_

_What I want, it's not to be liked. It's to like others, now I think I understand it._


End file.
